The Best Matt Hobby Quotes

Pastor: Oh, and tell Sheldon, I spoke to my seminary professor and the official ruling is God would appear to the octopus aliens in octopus alien form and save their eight-legged souls. Praise Jesus! I should put that in a sermon.

Pastor: Mary, I am so sorry about today. I understand why you're upset, but the church is still your family. I just hate to see you walk away from the Lord.
Mary: [pauses and sighs sadly] Feels like He's walking away from me.

Pastor: There was no big bang. There was only the Word.
Sheldon: Was the the Word "kaboom"?

Pastor: I thought I'd talk this morning about how it all began. Now, everybody knows how on the first day of creation God said "Let there be light." And there was light. And when God saw that light, he knew that it was good.
Meemaw: [Sees Sheldon raise his hand] Oh, here we go.
Pastor: Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: You said he didn't create the sun until day four.
Pastor: Yeah.
Sheldon: So how could there be light the first three days?
Pastor: God is light.
Sheldon: So God's a photon?
Pastor: God's what made photons possible.
Sheldon: And what day did he do that?
Pastor: I would think day one.
George Sr.: [softly, to Mary] If I grab my chest and keel over, maybe we can get out of here.
Mary: [softly to George Sr] That's a terrible thing to say.
Pastor: ...because the first day had just begun.
Sheldon: So, before the Big Bang?
Pastor: There was no Big Bang. There was only the Word.
Sheldon: Was the word "kaboom"?
Mary: [softly to George Sr] Okay, do it.
[George Sr. feigns chest pains]
Mary: We gotta go.

Sheldon: So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light years away could only be saved by Jesus?
Pastor: Sure.
Sheldon: Even though they never would've heard of him?
Pastor: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Pastor: What? Why would his appearance be terrifying?
Sheldon: He has four limbs and they have eight.
Mary: Okay, that's enough.
Pastor: No, no! I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific. Sheldon, if these creatures were born without sin, they don't need to be saved by Jesus.
Sheldon: What if an octopus Adam and Eve brought sin to their world? Would they need to be saved by a human Jesus or an octopus Jesus?

Pastor: And now, why don't we take a moment to pray, uh, keeping in mind that our prayers should not be for our own benefit, but for our family, friends, fellow Texans, Americans of all races and religions and the world. Well, most of the world. Y'all know what countries to pick.
Mary: [to herself] Lord, please look after my family. Give them everything they need to be happy and healthy. And this lovely young girl with me tonight, help her stay on the path of righteousness.
Veronica: [to herself] God, please look after my sister. You can find her at the women's correctional facility in Lubbock. Help her seek salvation in you instead of cocaine, marijuana and bass players.
Georgie: [to himself] Jesus, I'm sure, even from Heaven, you can see how hot the girl sitting next to me is. And I know I'm not supposed to pray for myself, but here's the deal: if you can get her to fall in love with me and, you know, make some bad decisions, I swear I'll come to church every Sunday.
Mary: [to herself] And thank you for bringing Georgie tonight, even though you and I both know why he came. Speaking of which, whatever he's praying for right now, ignore it.
Veronica: [to herself] And please protect me from impure thoughts, and teach me to respect the sanctity of my body.
Georgie: [to himself] Now, if for instance, she and I were to go skinny dipping and one thing were to lead to another under the moonlit sky, get this: not only do I become a devout Christian, I will also bug everybody I meet to do the same. And you know I can be real annoying when I set my mind to it.
Mary: [to herself] Amen.
Veronica: [to herself] Amen.
Georgie: [to himself] I'm gonna take your silence as a yes.
[beat]
Georgie: Amen.

Pastor: Sometimes people say to me, "Pastor Jeff, how do you know there's a God?" And I say "It's simple math. God either exists or he doesn't." So let's be cynical. Worst-case scenario, there's a 50-50 chance, And I like those odds.
Sheldon: [raising his hand] That's wrong.
Mary: [sotto voce] Shelly, put your hand down.
[to Pastor Jeff]
Mary: Sorry, Please continue.
Pastor: That's okay, Mary. It's Sheldon, right?
Sheldon: Yes, sir.
Pastor: Well, Sheldon, why don't you come on up here and tell me why I'm wrong.
Mary: No!
Sheldon: Okay.
[heads on up]
Pastor: Let's give him a hand, everybody.
Missy: [waking up] What's happening?
Meemaw: [to Mary] Shelly's gonna eat him alive.
Pastor: So, you were saying?
Sheldon: You've confused possibilities with probabilities. According to your analogy, when I go home I might find a million dollars on my bed or I might not. In what universe is that 50-50?
Pastor: So, what do you think the odds are that God exists?
Sheldon: I think they're zero. I believe in science.
Pastor: So you don't think science and God can go hand in hand?
Sheldon: Science is facts, religion is faith. I prefer facts
Pastor: Mm. I understand that. Here's a cool fact for ya. A lot of famous scientists believed in God. Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, even Charles Darwin.
Sheldon: So Darwin's right about God and wrong about evolution?
Pastor: Now you're gettin' it. Let's give it up for Sheldon, everybody! What a good sport.
Sheldon: [v.o] But I wasn't a good sport. At that moment, I vowed to come back the following Sunday and destroy Pastor Jeff.

Pastor: You mean like s-e-x?
[Spelling the word out]
Peg: Who are you spelling that for?
Pastor: [Looking at Peg and pointing upwards, and spells out the word] G-o-d.

[Pastor Jeff is mediating a fight between Meemaw, Mary, and their neighbor Brenda]
Pastor: Ladies. Do I need to remind you that we are Christians? In all our behavior, in all our actions, we must constantly ask ourselves the question: "What would Jesus do?"
Meemaw: Can I say something?
Pastor: Would Jesus say it?
Meemaw: [pause] Never mind.

Pastor: What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening.

Pastor: When we first started dating, everything was wonderful.
Mary: That's when it is wonderful.
Pastor: All the problems started when we got married.
Mary: Well, marriage will do that to a relationship.