100 Best Sheldon Cooper Quotes

Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I can't afford a house, but I'm flattered you'd want me next door.
Sheldon: Of course I would. You don't have enough friends to throw a party.

Sheldon: [looking at himself in the mirror wearing a superhero t-shirt for the first time] Wow, I might look TOO cool.

Sheldon: [Missy's trying to extract a splinter with a needle] What if you slip and stab me in the eye?
Missy: I'm not gonna slip! Who always wins when we play...
[eyes widen, runs off and gets Operation to use the game tweezers]

Mary: [on the phone] I see, Dr. Sturgis.
[glancing at Sheldon]
Mary: Yes, that is unforgivable behavior. Okay. Bye.
Sheldon: [she hangs up] Did he apologize?
Mary: No. He is very upset with you.
Sheldon: Well, I'm upset with him.
Mary: That doesn't excuse you from trying to get him in trouble with Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon: Who else was I supposed to tattle to? I doubt his mother's still alive.

Sheldon: [Screaming, while the boys at the party are holding him up in the air, mosh style] PUT ME DOWN! I SAID, "PUT ME DOWN"! PUT ME DOWN, I'M NOT ENJOYING IT!
Georgie: Missy, what are you doin' here?
Missy: Cutting loose. What are you doin' here?
Sheldon: [Boys lowering him] Slowly, slowly, slowly!
[sighs in relief]
Georgie: And you, too?
Sheldon: Hello, Georgie!
Georgie: You're not supposed to be here!
Sheldon: Neither are you! You're grounded!
Georgie: Come on! Both of you are goin' home, now!
Sheldon: Oh, thank goodness!
[Missy groans]

George: There we go. Nice little bite-sized pieces.
Ms. Hutchins: Thanks, George, but I-I think I can manage.
George: No, no. My pleasure.
Missy: He feels so guilty, he'll do anything you ask him.
George: That's enough from you.
Missy: He bought me an Easy-Bake Oven when he closed the car door on my thumb.
Sheldon: Unlike my mother, who feels no guilt after hurting her children.
Mary: How dare you. I am trying to keep you safe until such a time as you can make adult decisions.
Sheldon: I can make them now.
George: Hey, hey. We have a guest. Let's pretend like we like each other.

Dr. Edward Pilson: Okay, Sheldon, this first battery of tests measures basic problem-solving abilities.
Sheldon: Is the Kaufman test or the Wechsler Intelligence Scale?
Dr. Edward Pilson: Are you familiar with those?
Sheldon: It's embarrassing, but I enjoy a little light reading in the bathroom.

Sheldon: And how are you doing?
Ms. Hutchins: Since when are you interested?
Sheldon: My father told me I should be kind to old people.
Ms. Hutchins: How old do you think I am?
Sheldon: My father also told me if a woman ever asks you that, it's a trap.
Ms. Hutchins: Smart man!
Sheldon: But I'll say 53.

Sheldon: So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light years away could only be saved by Jesus?
Pastor: Sure.
Sheldon: Even though they never would've heard of him?
Pastor: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Pastor: What? Why would his appearance be terrifying?
Sheldon: He has four limbs and they have eight.
Mary: Okay, that's enough.
Pastor: No, no! I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons. I suppose I should've been more specific. Sheldon, if these creatures were born without sin, they don't need to be saved by Jesus.
Sheldon: What if an octopus Adam and Eve brought sin to their world? Would they need to be saved by a human Jesus or an octopus Jesus?

Sheldon: Dad, can we afford a computer?
George Sr.: You do my taxes. What do you think?
Sheldon: [pause] Never mind.

Sheldon: Ugh!
Pool: Why don't you like me?
Sheldon: You're full of bacteriae.
Pool: So are you, but you don't hear me saying Ugh!. It's rude. Look - I may just be pool water but I still have feelings.
Sheldon: Sorry, water.
Pool: Come on! My PH level is 7.4 and with 3 ppm of chlorine I'm cleaner than your daddy's plate after Thanksgiving dinner.
Sheldon: Wow, that's pretty clean.
Pool: Look how clear I am, Sheldon. You can see all the way to the bottom. Closer... a little closer... a little closer.
Pool: [hand-shaped water emerges from the pool] Gotcha!
Sheldon: [waking up] Pool Monster!

Missy: How come you're not eating your snack?
Sheldon: I prefer my snack to be a reward for homework well done.
Missy: You're like an old person.
Sheldon: Thank you.

Sheldon: My ultimate goal is to one day devise the grand unified field theory.
Gary: Oh, you're one of those are ya?
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Gary: Well, Kurt Godel's incompleteness theorem eliminates the possibility of a unified theory.
Sheldon: You want us to believe that?
George Cooper Sr.: Sheldon?
Sheldon: That's interesting. Tell me more about how Einstein's life goal was nothing but folly.

Sheldon: Good news. I found a way to take a break from science.
Mary: That's great. What is it?
Sheldon: A fantasy book series called "The Lord of the Rings".
Mary: It's got "the Lord" in it. That's something.

Missy: Trust me, 20 years from now you're not gonna be sitting around, talking about Star Trek and reading comic books.
Sheldon: Would you like to bet on that?

Sheldon: [whispering] Let's make this quick.
Missy: Why are you whispering?
Sheldon: This is how people speak when they're being naughty.
Missy: I wouldn't know. I'm naughty all the time.

Sheldon: Church *and* football? At least "60 Minutes" is on tonight.

Sheldon: [Sheldon and Meemaw are playing poker] I bet a nickel.
Meemaw: Hang on there a minute, moon pie. I want to teach you somethin'. Look at your cards
[holds up hand mirror]
Meemaw: and then look in the mirror.
Sheldon: Hey, I'm smiling.
Meemaw: Uh-huh, and what does that tell me about your cards?
Sheldon: That I like them?
Meemaw: Attaboy. Now... look at my face. Tell me what you see.
Sheldon: That you're old.
Meemaw: It's a good thing I love you. I'm gonna look at my cards again.
[Frowns]
Sheldon: You're unhappy.
Meemaw: Which means...
Sheldon: You don't have good cards.
Meemaw: So... I'm gonna see your nickel and raise you a quarter.
Sheldon: Quarter?
Meemaw: You can fold.
Sheldon: No, I have good cards, you have bad cards. I'm in. Nines and fives.
Meemaw: Mm, that's too bad. Three queens. You lose.
Sheldon: What? But you weren't happy.
Meemaw: I made you think I was unhappy.
Sheldon: But that's lying. You lied to your moon pie.
Meemaw: I bluffed my moon pie.
Sheldon: Do people know about this?
Meemaw: Sheldon, what's on a person's face is not always what's in their heart.
Sheldon: Well, this changes everything. How do you know who to trust?
Meemaw: You don't. That's what makes life interesting.
Sheldon: [v.o] Meemaw liked to teach me things that kept me awake at night.

George: How do we get your mom on board with you goin' where Sturgis teaches?
Sheldon: Well, how did you get her to agree to marry you?
George: Aw, that won't work. She don't drink anymore.

Sheldon: [voice over] Of all the afflictions that can befall a child, one reigned supreme. Beyond scraped knees and paper cuts, nothing strikes fear in the hearts of kids around the world like a splinter.
Sheldon: [Screaming in slow motion] NOOOOOOOO!

[Sheldon and Tam have just finished having lunch with their new friend Libby in the school library]
Tam: So, we eat at library every day. You're welcome to join us. It's much better than the cafeteria.
Sheldon: It's quiet, and a lot less food gets thrown at us.
Libby: Yeah. Maybe I'll see y'all tomorrow.
Tam: Right... maybe y'all will.
Sheldon: Bye, Libby!
[turning to Tam]
Sheldon: . "Y'all"?
Tam: I'm assimilating... shut up.

Dr. Flora Douglas: I must tell you, in all I've been here, I have never seen such glowing letters of recommendation from a student's teachers.
George Sr.: Well, that's real nice to hear.
Dr. Flora Douglas: Now, listen to this: "Putting aside his superior intellect, Sheldon is a delight to have in the class. He's fun-loving, easy to get along with, and always ready to help another student."
Sheldon: That doesn't sound like me at all.
Mary: Sure it does, sweetie.

Sheldon: I thought evil thoughts didn't occur until puberty.

Meemaw: This necklace has been in our family for generations. It belonged to a Comanche warrior who gave it to your great-great-great-great grandma.
Sheldon: Why'd he give it to her?
Meemaw: Well, according to family lore, she was, uh... a very accomodating young lady and, uh, they hit it off.
Sheldon: That's a bird feather.
Meemaw: Eagle feather.
Sheldon: Doesn't matter. I don't like birds. Birds are filthy.
Meemaw: [taking the necklace and pulling the feather off] Okay. Fine. One featherless family heirloom for you to take with you and keep you safe while you're away.
Sheldon: You don't actually believe this has magic powers, do you?
Meemaw: Oh, for god's sake, just say thank you.
Sheldon: Thank you.
[she gives him a comforting hug]
Sheldon: There's a price tag on it.
Meemaw: [pulling the tag off] No, it doesn't.

[Sheldon is holding his first Mathology sermon in his garage]
Sheldon: Welcome to the Church of Mathology. Today I'd like to talk about prime numbers, and why they bring us joy.
Billy: Hallelujah!

Oscar: [on Sheldon's dorm room] Didn't I see some lady in there?
Sheldon: That's my mom.
Oscar: Dude, his mom is hot.
Darren: What is wrong with you?
[to Sheldon]
Darren: Don't listen to him. He thinks any female with a pulse is hot.
Oscar: I don't think *your* mom is hot.

Sheldon: Turtle poop!
Meemaw: Okay, someone needs to teach that kid to swear.

Sheldon: [At the bar] Dad?
George: [Startled] The hell are you doing here?
Sheldon: I need to talk to you.
George: How the hell did you find me?
Sheldon: It's not like you come home smelling like coffee.

Missy: I can't believe Mom and Dad are fighting over a case of beer.
Sheldon: I don't think it was about the beer. There's more subtext to it.
Missy: Maybe you're right. Then again, I don't know what subtext means.

Sheldon: Dad?
George Sr.: Yeah?
Sheldon: I'm glad you came to get me.
George Sr.: Me, too.
[George turns on the radio; Sheldon bolts up upon hearing "The Mighty Quinn"]
Sheldon: No!

Sheldon: Oh, dear. I wonder if Radio Shack makes a defibrillator.

Sheldon: And so, our little social circle grew from two to three. An early example of how people are just drawn to me.

Sheldon: What's it like to be Jewish?
Ira: Oh, it's terrible; I don't recommend it.

Sheldon: Do you ever wish that you weren't smart?
Dr. John Sturgis: So I would be short, lonely and stupid? No, that seems worse.

Tam: Why weren't you at math class?
Sheldon: That NASA guy treated me like a child, and I intend to prove him wrong.
Tam: You *are* a child.
Sheldon: Tread lightly, my friend.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Mary: Confiscating your comic books. You can have them back when you're 18.
Sheldon: You're taking Casper the Friendly Ghost?
Mary: Ghost is sacrilegious. Nothing friendly about that.
Sheldon: Very well. There's one more book that belongs to the box. Filled with adultery, genocide and even human sacrifice.
[Tosses the Bible on the pile]

Sheldon: I've decided to learn self-defense.
Tam: Why?
Sheldon: I'm quite small, and will be for several years. Maybe even more, if I'm a late bloomer.
Tam: Your Dad's big. Maybe you'll take after him.
Sheldon: We both like my Mom. I think that's where the similarities end. Y'know, one of the books mentioned a Vietnamese martial art.
Tam: Vovinam. I'm a blue belt.
Sheldon: Wow!
Tam: Don't be impressed. It's what you get when your Mom buys a uniform.
Sheldon: Do you remember any of it?
Tam: I don't even know where the belt is.

Sheldon: I was trying to be more like Georgie.
Mary: That's a dumb idea. We don't want Georgie to be like Georgie.

[Last scene. The phone rings. Sheldon answers it]
Sheldon: Hello?
Dr. John Sturgis: How dare you accuse me of plagiarism! And to my colleague no less. This is my reputation you're jeopardizing.
Sheldon: Well, give me the credit I deserve and I'll stop.
Dr. John Sturgis: We've been over this. You made a helpful suggestion and then you arrogantly assumed that it entitled you to a co-author credit which it doesn't.
Sheldon: But I was the one who...
Dr. John Sturgis: [interrupting] I've been your friend and mentor. The idea that I would steal from you is both personally and professionally insulting.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but...
Dr. John Sturgis: [interrupts again] Sheldon, I don't want to see you in my class anymore.
[hangs up the phone, dialtone]

Missy: [Mary has been tapped to re-vamp the church's Hallowe'en festivities after complaints the previous year] So it's not gonna be scary?
Mary: It will, but without all the blood and gore.
Missy: But I like blood and gore
Connie: Hang on. Y'all are tryin' to scare people into joinin' the church?
Mary: Yeah, but people like gettin' scared on Hallowe'en anyway. Why not make 'em jump in the right direction?
Sheldon: Actually, fear has been a recruiting tactic used by organized religion for centuries. When you add guilt to keep people in line, it's an extremely efficient form of crowd control.
Mary: Our religion is based on love, Sheldon, not fear.
Sheldon: What happens when people don't follow the rules?
Mary: They burn in Hell.
[everyone stops eating their dinner, stunned]
Mary: Because God loves 'em.

Sheldon: I think I've been lied to about California. No one on this campus is tan at all.

Sheldon: [on a dinosaur skeleton at the museum] Oh, my.
George Cooper Sr.: Yeah. I'll bet he'd dresses down to about 6,000-7,000 pounds of USDA prime.
Sheldon: You'd eat him?
George Cooper Sr.: He'd eat me.

George Sr.: So, today we found out about a school in Dallas for really smart kids.
Sheldon: When can I start?
Mary: Hold on. Dallas is far away, so you'd have to live with another family.
Sheldon: Do they have a dog?
Mary: Uh... we don't know.
Sheldon: Well, can you make some calls?
Mary: I guess, but wouldn't you miss your mom and dad?
Sheldon: Oh. Yes, I suppose I will.
[Mary smirks confidently]
Sheldon: So, when are you calling about the dog?
Meemaw: You know him so well.

Mary: Sheldon, I understand why you're upset, but you still owe him an apology.
Sheldon: Then you don't understand.
Mary: Well, for now, it sounds like you two could use a little quiet time.
Sheldon: Fine. I'll switch over to Dr. Linkletter's class. He's a foot taller than Sturgis and can reach more of the chalkboard.
Mary: What I meant was... maybe it's time to take a break from your college classes.
Sheldon: What? Why? I've gotten straight A's.
Mary: I know you're smart enough for college. I'm just not sure you're mature enough.
Sheldon: Well, it appears you've backed me into a corner. I would throw a tantrum right now, but that would just prove your point.
Mary: [he stands to leave] Where are you going?
Sheldon: To play with my trains. Which may sound immature, but it's a hobby many old men enjoy.

Dr. John Sturgis: When I was in the psychiatric ward, I learned that people who are struggling emotionally often just need to be heard.
Sheldon: Hmm. Sounds difficult, but I suppose I could try.
Dr. John Sturgis: Another thing I learned in the hospital is that some people believe there are weird mole men living in tunnels deep inside the earth.
Sheldon: [a bit disturbed] Well, this has been mostly helpful.
Dr. John Sturgis: And you're mostly welcome.

[Sheldon has been given in the lead in his High School production of Annie]
George Sr.: Wanna talk to you 'bout this play.
Sheldon: I'm excited about it, too.
George Sr.: Y'know, if you play the part of a girl, people might make fun of you.
Sheldon: Mr Lundy's trying to push the boundaries of drama in East Texas. One way to do that is cross-gender casting.
George Sr.: Let me rephrase that. If you play the part of a girl, people *will* make fun of you.
Sheldon: In Shakespeare's time, the men played all the female parts. No-one made fun of it.
George Sr.: If Shakespeare went to public High School, it'd be a different story.
[after a discussion of both sides, it's clear Sheldon is determined to be Annie]
George Sr.: Can you at least wear pants instead of a dress?
Sheldon: I'll give you a definite 'maybe'.

Mary: Flora, I have to ask about the living arrangements. That's our main concern.
Dr. Flora Douglas: Well, I think I can reassure you about that. My husband and I have been hosting a student for the last several years who recently graduated and is now at Princeton. So we have a guest room available in our home.
George Sr.: That's very generous of you. Does your husband work at the school also?
Dr. Flora Douglas: No, he's retired. He was an astrophysicist for NASA.
Sheldon: [his interest piqued] Please tell me you don't have a dog.
Dr. Flora Douglas: No. We're both allergic.
Sheldon: [turning to Mary] I'm tingling.

Mary: Well, I'm happy to report that my potato salad is once again the hit of the potluck.
George Sr.: That's great, honey.
Mary: I feel sorry for Pam Staples. No one's touching her potato salad.
Sheldon: If you feel bad, then why are you smiling?
Meemaw: 'Cause sometimes your mommy's a big ol' hypocrite.

[flashback to a camping trip with Sheldon, his father and brother in silhouette in a tent]
Sheldon: Moth! Moth!
George Cooper Sr.: Sheldon, it's like a butterfly.
Sheldon: How is that better? Butterfly! Butterfly!
[Sheldon runs screaming from the tent]

Sheldon: It's not fair. You bought Missy a Ring Pop.
Mary: Yeah, for ten cents.
Missy: And I'm worth every penny.

Pat: [Sheldon, Dr Linkletter and Dr. Sturgis walk into a bar run by a woman named Pat] Look. You seem like nice folk, but yankees ain't popular around here. I suggest you be on your way.
Dr. Linkletter: Sorry to have troubled you.
[turning to the others]
Dr. Linkletter: Let's go.
Sheldon: Excuse me. My colleagues may be from the north, but for your information, I'm a Texan, born and bred. I know that real chili has no beans, and when my meemaw says, 'Bless your heart', she means something very different. Now my friend here is in need of help. And since our state motto is literally 'Friendship', may he please use your phone?
Pat: Well, dang.
[produces a phone from behind the bar]

Norman: Excuse me.
Sheldon: Hello. Welcome to the Lone Star Train Museum. I'm Docent Sheldon Cooper. If you have any questions...
[taps his "Ask Me" button]
Norman: You know where the bathroom is?
Sheldon: Indeed I do. You'll want to chug along past our authentic Southern Pacific Sunset limited whistle, then keep going past our conductor's uniform, which was worn on the Texas and Pacific Railway. Then you'll come upon...
Norman: Son, I have to take a leak.
Sheldon: It's in the back.
Norman: Thank you.
Sheldon: And our toilets flush, unlike the ones on trains before 1889.

Sheldon: How long do I have to sit here and sulk before someone asks me what's wrong?
Mary: Maybe people are tired of hearing about it.
Sheldon: Ms. Hutchins, would you care to chime in?
Ms. Hutchins: Oh, I-I don't want to get in the middle of a family issue, but... I will say that I once had a falling-out with someone very close to me.
Sheldon: What happened?
Ms. Hutchins: We ended up parting ways on bad terms. I-I still regret it.
Sheldon: But you were right and they were wrong?
Ms. Hutchins: You know what? It doesn't feel like it matters anymore. And not a day goes by that I don't miss them.
Sheldon: Perhaps I do owe Dr. Sturgis an apology.
Ms. Hutchins: I was talking about your mother.
Sheldon: I'll circle back to her.

Rabbi: [Sheldon consults a rabbi to explore becoming 'a Jewish person'] All right, here's what I'm gonna tell you to do: Read your Bible.
Sheldon: Already did. Cover to cover.
Rabbi: Really!
Sheldon: Quiz me.
Rabbi: No, that's OK, I believe you. All right, my advice to you is to stay with the faith of your parents.
Sheldon: What else y'got?
Rabbi: OK. Then I'm goin' to tell you to be your own man.
Sheldon: But I want to be a great scientist like Albert Einstein.
Rabbi: Sheldon, when your days are over, God will never ask you, 'Why weren't you Einstein?' But he might ask you, 'Why weren't you Sheldon?'

[Tam tells Sheldon that claiming to have no sins is the sin of pride]
Sheldon: Your religion is making me feel bad.
Tam: That's how you know it's working.

Missy: Why can't we watch DuckTales?
Sheldon: 'Cause we don't learn anything watching DuckTales.
Missy: It's TV. We're not supposed to learn.

Sheldon: Good news! We found investors for the grant database.
Mary: Oh, honey! That's great.
Sheldon: And even more good news - you no longer have to drive me to school, because I'm dropping out to work on it.
Mary: What? No, you're not.
Sheldon: But they won't fund the project unless I'm working on it full-time.
Mary: I don't care. You're finishing college.
Sheldon: [pointing to his brother] But you let him drop out.
Mary: And look how his life turned out!
Georgie: Hey!
Mary: I'm sorry, Sheldon, but you're gonna have to tell them no.
Georgie: I've got a job, and a cool garage to live in.
Mary: *sigh*
Sheldon: This doesn't have to be permanent. I can always go back.
Mary: People always say that, and then life gets in the way. *I* was gonna go to college after I had Georgie, and then I didn't.
Georgie: [smugly] And look how her life turned out.
Mary: This discussion is over.
Sheldon: This is so unfair.
Missy: [walks into kitchen with the others] What's going on?
Georgie: Sheldon wants to quit college.
Missy: So I'm the only one who's not a dropout? Who saw that coming?

Sheldon: [to Tam] Don't eat my fluffernutter!

Sheldon: [narrating] The science fair may be a competition, but when the goal is promoting knowledge, we're all winners.
Principal: And the winner of the Medford High School Science Fair is... SueAnn Ludlow!
Sheldon: You've got to be kidding me!
Mary: Shelly...
Sheldon: You people are crazy!
George Sr.: [sotto voce, while picking up Sheldon and carrying him out of the science fair] All right...
Sheldon: You're celebrating mediocrity! Mediocrity! MEDIOCRITY!

Sheldon: Did you see that?
Missy: Yeah, there's someone in the back yard. They're trying to get in!
Sheldon: Oh, no! What do we do?
Meemaw: [opens the back door, the kids scream and Missy sprays her with the fire extinguisher, Meemaw spits out frost] Will one of you get me a towel?

Mary: Why does the kitchen smell like whiskey?
Sheldon: [points to Missy with an overly bandaged finger] Ask her.
Mary: [sees his bandage] Oh, my Lord!
Missy: [smirking] Ask me what I did to Meemaw.

Mary: I just realized something. College applications cost money just to send in.
Sheldon: They do?
Mary: Fifty, sixty dollars a pop. I don't think you have that kind of money, do you?
George Sr.: [Sheldon's glaring at her] Excuse me, I... I have to go take a cold shower.
[hides his crotch with his napkin as he gets up]

Sheldon: If I don't go to college, what am I supposed to do? Spend all my days in high school? How sad is that?
Ms. Hutchins: Pretty sad.
Sheldon: You always did get me.
Ms. Hutchins: Sounds like you're feeling misunderstood.
Sheldon: I am. By Dr. Sturgis, my mother, and possibly the entire Vietnamese culture.
Ms. Hutchins: Do you understand that I'm in a little bit of pain right now?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. I should be exhibiting compassion. Aw. Wait, I can do better.
[trying again]
Sheldon: Aw.
Ms. Hutchins: [sarcastic] Nailed it.

George Cooper Sr.: Sheldon, sometimes being right isn't the most important thing.
Sheldon: I'm glad you feel that way because, boy, are you wrong.

Sheldon: And who says you have to be mature to go to college? I've seen "Animal House".
Meemaw: You have?
Sheldon: Well, I've seen the poster. Those people are not college material.
Meemaw: Moon Pie, I know you don't like to hear this, but there are some things in life that can only be learned in time.
Sheldon: So you must have learned 'em all, huh?
Meemaw: Get out of my house.

Sheldon: [Once he finally fished out the hot dog slice from under the fridge and picks it up with tongs] Whew! That was driving me crazy.
[Then before he drops it in the trash, he talks to it]
Sheldon: Thank you for getting me into college.

Connie: [dropping Sheldon off in his classroom] Okay. I'll see you later.
Sheldon: Are you sure you don't want to stay with me?
Connie: I don't think so. I don't really understand this stuff.
Sheldon: That's how I felt when we watched Dirty Dancing, and I stayed.
Connie: When Patrick Swayze takes his shirt off in here, I'll be back. You have a good one.

Mary: I bet, when you grow up, you will be surrounded by lots of smart, wonderful friends.
Sheldon: I can't see that happening.

Sheldon: [looking at his mother's new makeover] Is your new job fighting Batman? Because you look like the Joker.

Mary: Missy, don't forget that you have to pick out a present for that birthday next week.
Missy: Mom, it's Melissa now.
Mary: [under her breath, to Brenda] Middle School!
Billy: Who's Melissa?
Missy: Me.
Billy: Then who's Missy?
Missy: Missy is short for Melissa, like how Billy is short for William.
Billy: I don't understand.
Missy: You know how your real name is William...
Billy: I'm Billy.
Sheldon: No, we call you Billy, but your real name is William.
Billy: But my underpants say 'Billy' in them. Mom, is my name William?
Brenda: [reluctantly, in a whisper] Yeah.
Billy: [somewhat panicked] Then whose underpants am I wearing?

Sheldon: [about Professor Ericson] I don't know how I'm going to last all semester with this free wheeling hippie.

[Sheldon has been sent to the principal's office for talking back to his science teacher. He's waiting in the principal's secretary's office, while she talks to Principal Petersen]
Principal: Does he know I'm in here?
Sheldon: [over PA] Attention students and faculty:
Principal: Oh no!
Sheldon: This is Sheldon Lee Cooper.
Principal: [jiggling his office doorknob, but it won't open. Sheldon has jammed it with a chair from the other side] What the hell...
Sheldon: We're taught that hard work pays off, but that's not true. I cam up with a solution to save Earth from killer asteroids. And lost the science fair to Sue Ann Ludlow and her frizzy hair machine.
[cut to Sue Ann in class, looking confused]
Sheldon: But is wasn't just me who lost. We all lost. Wake up people. The system's broken.
[cut to his brother, Georgie, looking embarrassed, in class]
Sheldon: Real innovation isn't valued. Nowadays, it's all about flash and style. I blame MTV. Luckily, my parents can't afford cable.
George Sr.: [cut to his father, George Sr., in hallway] I can afford it.
Sheldon: [cut to principal's office, where Petersen is climbing out his window to get to secretary's office] I urge you all to rise up! They can't send everyone to the principal's office. Chew gum in class! Use a #1 pencil! Go nuts!
Sheldon: [Principal Petersen is climbing through secretary' office window] This is Sheldon Lee Cooper, signing off! Live Long and prosper!
[runs out of office]
Principal: You'd better run, you little punk!

Sheldon: You could organize your recipes.
Mary: My recipes are organized.
Sheldon: On index cards, like a cave person.
Missy: Cave Mom. I'm gonna call you that from now on.

Brenda: [Sheldon is dressed as Mr. Spock] I'm gonna have a little chat with your mother.
Sheldon: Seems unlikely. My mother's on Vulcan.
Billy: My mother's on Valium.

[Sheldon has chosen Psychology 101 as his elective]
Mr. Givens: Thanksgiving weekend approaching, it's a perfect opportunity to observe family dynamics, and how our parents, relatives and siblings affect us. Now...
[Sheldon's hand shoots up]
Mr. Givens: Yes, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I don't find that interesting.
Mr. Givens: Well, tough knuckles, that's the assignment. Now you'll all be expected to collect data on your family, form a hypothesis and make a prediction.
Sheldon: So you're giving us homework for Thanksgiving?
Mr. Givens: [with a sly smile] Yes.
Sheldon: Oh boy!

Sheldon: So, where exactly is the telescope?
Dr. Prakash: Hawaii. We just access its data.
Sheldon: Ah.
Dr. Prakash: And what are we looking for?
Sheldon: Well, you're looking for these numbers here to change that would indicate that the star is dimming, possibly because an orbiting planet is passing in front of it.
Dr. Prakash: Mm-hmm.
[chuckles softly]
Dr. Prakash: Star Trek made this seem a lot more fun.

Sheldon: Good luck with fingerpainting.
Missy: You're gonna get your ass kicked in high school.
Mary: Hey! language!

Sheldon: [encouraging Missy] Do good baseball.

Principal: [He's in his office comforting a female student who is crying. It becomes apparent its because she's pregnant]
[Offering her a Kleenex]
Principal: These things happen. My mother had me when she was young.
Sheldon: [Busts in the door] Sorry to interrupt! I can't find my safety goggles!
Principal: Well, they're not here.
Sheldon: I have to find them! Nothing's more important than protection!
[after he leaves, she starts wailing louder]

Ms. Ingram: [in the teachers' break room] I mean, why'd I bother becoming a teacher? He knows what I'm gonna say before I say it, or I say it and look like a dumbbell.
Ms. MacElroy: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: [flashback] Ms. Ingram, may I offer a suggestion?
Ms. Ingram: [trying to hold back her frustration] What?
Sheldon: Never mind. You do it your way.
Ms. Ingram: No, no. You tell me. Tell me how I'm wrong.
Sheldon: You assumed an extra axiom of Euclidian geometry without stating it.
Coach: [returning to the break room] Was he right?
Ms. Ingram: 'Course he's right. He's always right.
Ms. MacElroy: Tell you what I do. I send him on little errands. Like, the other day, I told him "Go to the supply room and get me a framastan."
Coach: What's a framastan?
Ms. MacElroy: No such thing. I made it up.
[they share a laugh]
Ms. MacElroy: He was gone the whole period!
Coach: That's genius.
Ms. Ingram: I'm using that.
Ms. MacElroy: Don't use "framastan". That's mine.

Sheldon: Are you head of the drama department?
Mr. Lundy: And the coach of the girl's volleyball team, which if you ask me is the real drama department.
Sheldon: Was that a joke?
Mr. Lundy: I thought so.

George Cooper Sr.: Who the hell is this?
Sheldon: This is Nathan. He's been to four comic-cons
Meemaw: And he's leaving.
Nathan: Are you sure?
Meemaw: Beam your ass out of here.
Nathan: Yes Ma'am
[stands up]
Nathan: One to beam up. Energize.
[flashes the Vulcan hand symbol and transports away]
Sheldon: OK, that last part didn't happen, but boy, that would've been neat
Sheldon: That was so neat.

Sheldon: Why would I steal glitter? I already have a sparkling personality.

Sheldon: [Scene is interspersed with Sheldon conversing with Dr. Sturgis Linkletter and Dr. Sturgis in their respective offices] You should know, I'm replacing you with a more courageous mentor.
Dr. John Sturgis: I'm sorry to hear that, Sheldon.
Sheldon: One who's not afraid of new ideas.
Dr. Linkletter: Great.
Sheldon: Don't think of it as me walking away, think of it as you being left behind.
Dr. Linkletter: I'm okay with that.
Sheldon: Thank you for helping me on my journey. But you're like a rocket booster that must be discarded for me to reach escape velocity.
Dr. John Sturgis: I understand.
Sheldon: I'm walking away now.
Dr. Linkletter: Goodbye.
Sheldon: I'm walking backwards, so it seems like you're fading into obscurity.
Dr. Linkletter: Neat.
Sheldon: Take care... .Farewell... .Ciao... . Bon voyage.
Dr. John Sturgis: Arrivederci... What a charming young man.
Dr. Linkletter: Kook.

Missy: [in church, listening to a sermon about 'evil thoughts'] I'm having an evil thought right now.
Sheldon: What?
Missy: "I'm going to kick you in the balls when we get home."

Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Mary: Yeah.
Sheldon: That boy has an exposed tattoo.
Mary: He does.
Sheldon: I wonder if he knows that's in violation of the dress code.
Mary: Speaking of which, how about we lose that bowtie?
Sheldon: [protectively] Why?
Mary: Look around, honey. None of the other kids are wearing one.
Sheldon: Well, perhaps I'll start a fad.
Mary: No, you won't. Please trust mommy.
[seeing he's reluctant]
Mary: All right, tell you what. You take it off, and this weekend, I'll take you to Radio Shack.

[Sheldon reads the signature just added to his unpopular petition to keep his school's science requirement strong]
Sheldon: 'Ben Dover'. Thanks, Ben.

Missy: Suck it up. You always get everything you want.
Sheldon: That's not true.
Missy: You got a computer. I'm reading a booger book.

[Sheldon is angrily vacuuming while Missy is watching the television]
Missy: I can't hear Oprah!
Sheldon: I don't care!

George Cooper Sr.: [after a thunderstorm rains out the shuttle launch] Sheldon, can I tell you a secret?
Sheldon: Sure.
George Cooper Sr.: I've never really understood how thunder and lightning work.
Sheldon: Didn't they teach it to you in high school?
George Cooper Sr.: Well they probably did, but I got hit in the head a lot during football. Can you explain it to me?

Sheldon: What do we have to sterilize the needle?
Missy: Mama uses lit matches on them.
Sheldon: We're not allowed to play with matches.
Missy: Well, what else will work?
Sheldon: Alcohol.
[cut to Missy pouring a glass full of whiskey]

[Sheldon has been diagnosed with an ulcer]
Dr. Eberland: Has he been under some unusual stress lately?
Sheldon: Yes. She won't take me to Radio Shack.
George Sr.: Go wait outside.
Sheldon: [to Dr. Eberland] I've read some interesting research about treating ulcers with antimicrobials.
George Sr.: Go!
Sheldon: [leaving exam room] And you're surprised I have an ulcer.
George Sr.: I'm surprised I *don't* have one!

Missy: [Last lines]
[as Pastor Jeff and Officer Robin leave after getting married]
Missy: Where are they going in such a hurry?
Sheldon: Maybe they can't wait to open their wedding presents.
Meemaw: [to no one in particular] Someone's getting unwrapped.
Sheldon: [to Missy] Told you.

[flashback to a fishing trip]
Sheldon: [frightened after catching a fish] Get it away! Get it away!
George Cooper Sr.: Calm down. It's an itty-bitty thing.
Sheldon: No, *I'm* an itty-bitty thing!

Sheldon: [Dr. Pilson shows Sheldon part of a psychological test] A lion sitting in a chair, holding a pipe.
Dr. Edward Pilson: Good. But what do you think is on his mind?
Sheldon: How should I know? Maybe he's wondering why he's posing for a silly picture instead of eating a gazelle.
Dr. Edward Pilson: Anything else?
Sheldon: What exactly are we doing here? I thought the purpose of this study was to find out how smart I am.
Dr. Edward Pilson: That's what we're doing, but there are different kinds of intelligence.
Sheldon: Poppycock!

Pastor: There was no big bang. There was only the Word.
Sheldon: Was the the Word "kaboom"?

Mr. Givens: [Comes back from the restroom and sits down at the bar] Alright, let's get me drunk.
Sheldon: Hi, Mr. Givens.
Mr. Givens: Oh, come on!

[Mary has just said the 'Amen' to a prayer in her backyard garden, then turns to see Sheldon standing next to her]
Mary: Oh - uh, Hey, Baby.
[she pauses to regain her composure]
Mary: What's wrong?
Sheldon: Is it that obvious?
Mary: Well, you are outside, where birds live.
Sheldon: True. I'll make it quick. I'm experiencing what the Germans call 'Weltschmerz'.
Mary: Uh-huh, and what do Americans call it?
Sheldon: The pain of the world.
Mary: Sounds more fun in German.
Sheldon: Most things do.

Georgie: [Reading from a list on how to get rich] 'Sell blood or other non-vital organs.'
George Cooper Sr.: Mm, give 'em your brain. You're not using it.
Sheldon: [laughs awkwardly]
George Cooper Sr.: I think that's the only time I've ever heard you laugh.
Sheldon: That's the only time you've ever been funny.

Sheldon: Fiddle-faddle!
Meemaw: The F-word. He's really mad.