The Best J. Pat O'Malley Quotes

Old: Well, little monkey, I have a confession to make. You see, I'm a fraud.

Mr. Bryant: [Joe enters Mr. Bryant's garage] Yes, sir, can I help you?
Joe: Maybe. My name is Joe Mannix. I'm a private investigator.
Mr. Bryant: Something wrong?
Joe: Well, I'm looking for a Lee Thomas.
Mr. Bryant: So am I. He's gone.
Joe: When was the last time you saw him?
Mr. Bryant: Oh, 4:00 yesterday afternoon. He left for the park. Crazy about baseball. He manages a kid's team.
Joe: What else can you tell me about him?
Mr. Bryant: Why? Is he in trouble?
Joe: I won't really know until I find him.
Mr. Bryant: Well, I can't really tell you much, Mr. Mannix. He's pleasant, but kind of quiet, and he never talked much about himself.
Joe: How long has he worked for you?
Mr. Bryant: Oh, seven or eight months. Good mechanic, great hands.
Joe: Any idea where he's from?
Mr. Bryant: No. But he never gave me a minute's trouble. He did his work, never watched a clock. I can't pay him what he's worth, but I let him sleep upstairs. There's a room and bath up there.
Joe: Did he have a girlfriend?
Mr. Bryant: [thinks for a second] Uh, not that I know of.
Joe: I wonder if I might borrow a wrench or some tool that might have his fingerprints on it.
Mr. Bryant: Why?
Joe: Well, Lee Thomas didn't exist up until eight months ago. That's when they issued his Social Security number.
Mr. Bryant: You figured he changed his name, huh?
Joe: It looks that way. Well, if his prints are on file, we'll find him, and if I can put a name to him, maybe I can help him.
Mr. Bryant: Well, his toolbox is over there on the bench.
Joe: [walks over to the tool box] This one?
Mr. Bryant: Yeah, that's the one.
[Joe opens the box and looks inside, he then takes out his handkerchief and pulls out a wrech]

Joe: [sitting at the counter of Lou Weldman's bar] Hi, Lou.
Lou: What do you know, Joe?
Joe: [referring to Weldman's dog] How's Harry?
Lou: Still the mathematical genius.
Joe: How's his spelling?
Lou: Spelling?
Joe: Can he spell the name Archie Preston?
Lou: He's a smart dog, but he ain't that smart.
Joe: But you are, Lou. Where can I find Archie Preston?
Lou: I'll tell him you want to see him when he comes in.
Joe: First, I'll take a look in the back room.
Lou: There... there's nobody there.
Joe: Well, I'll take a look anyway. Oh, Lou, you press that button, and I'll sic Harry on you.

Leo: Do you, uh, live with these two girls?
Jack: Oh, yeah!
[Leo gives a conspiratory wink]

Judge: What else is this hobo charged with?
Bailiff: Transportin' moonshine.
[puts a jug on the Judge's bench]
Judge: Smells like Tennessee Tranquilizer.
Daisy: You got a good nose on you, Judge. That's just what it is.
Judge: Who are you?
Daisy: I'm her Granny and I made that stuff you're sniffin'.
Judge: You may approach the bench.
[whispers to Granny]
Judge: How would you like to go fishin' too?
Daisy: Can I take Elly and her bear with us?
Judge: I insist on it.
Daisy: It's a deal.
Judge: Bailiff, is there any more of this here evidence?
Bailiff: Yes, your honor, 3 jugs.
Judge: I want it all impounded on my boat. Court's adjourned.

Old: You see, Jenny, my real shape, I mean, the way I really look...
Jenny: Isn't this the way you really look?
Old: No.
Jenny: Have I ever seen you the way you really look?
Old: No.
Jenny: [smiling] Gee, I bet you're icky!
Old: [with mild affront] There are those who found me quite attractive.

[first lines]
British: [Col. Hogan enters his office] Hogan.
[closes the door to his office]
British: Bit of a dirty trick flying into London for an hour, being a free man, and then dropping you back at Stalag 13.
Col. Hogan: Breaks up the day, sir.
British: [laughs] You're a good man.
[pulls down a map]
British: Guess what this is.
Col. Hogan: D-Day, sir?
British: D-Day, and forget you saw it.
[rolls the map back up]
British: Now, I can't tell you the exact date, but I can tell you this much: You have to be clear on the highest level of intelligence- the old man himself. But, the date will be soon.
Col. Hogan: It's been a long time coming, sir.
British: A long time. And we don't want any mistakes- not on our part.
Col. Hogan: Yes, sir.
British: Of course, we could use a few mistakes form Jerry. And that's why you're here, Hogan. Have a drink?
Col. Hogan: No thanks, sir.
British: Well, don't mind if I do. Now, the German General Staff knows something is up. They're meeting tomorrow to pend a strategy- *that* we know for a fact.
Col. Hogan: Very good intelligence, sir.
British: And we know more. Our bombers have pounded just about every spot in Germany they've used for a meeting place. So they're going where they don't think we'll follow them- Stalag 13.
Col. Hogan: You're gonna bomb us?
British: [nods] It's been brought up. And we check it. Which is where you come in, Hogan. Sit down.
[Col. Hogan walks to the chair in front of his desk and sits down]
British: Hogan, you have quite a reputation for the offbeat, the bizarre, and for bringing it off.
Col. Hogan: I have a good crew, sir.
British: You're going to need them. Now, sometime in the next very few days, the greatest Amphibious force in history is going to hit the coast of France. When it does, we need desperately some indecision from the Germans before they react. Hogan, we want nothing less from you than to tie up the German General Staff. Can you do it?
Col. Hogan: I must say, sir, it's quite a challenge.
British: That's good enough. The means, we leave up to you.
Col. Hogan: Thank you, sir.
British: Oh, and one more thing. Our informant will also be at Stalag 13. She's the wife of General von Scheider- German Chief of Staff.
Col. Hogan: That's a pretty good informant.
British: Well, yes and no. You see, we founded her years ago before she married von Scheider. And after that, we lost contact with her, deliberately. Too risky. And now, there's no reason to hold back. This is it. Use her if you can, Hogan. But remember, she has been away for almost a long time. Don't trust her completely unless you have to.
Col. Hogan: Yes, sir.
British: [opens his office door] Good luck, Hogan.
Col. Hogan: Thanks.
[they salute]
British: Carry on.

Col. Hogan: [Col. Hogan and his crew enter their cabin with a new prisoner, Corporal Walter Tillman]
[pointing at an empty bunk]
Col. Hogan: That one's yours, pop.
Corporal: Okay, Hogan.
LeBeau: It's Colonel Hogan.
Corporal: Yeah? Well, I'll remember that.
Col. Hogan: What outfit were you with, pop?
Corporal: 605th engineers. After that, I went airborne. Don't ask me any questions about baseball. Any German spy knows more about it than I do.
Col. Hogan: You know how it is, pop. Can't be too careful
Corporal: Yeah, I know. Knock it off with that pop routine, will ya?
Col. Hogan: Unless that's the way you want it.
Corporal: That's the way I want it.
Carter: Hey, look, American cigarettes!
Corporal: Give me those!
[everyone looks at Tillman with suspicion]
Corporal: Well, it's the only pack I got.
Kinchloe: Yeah, well, there's a war on.
Col. Hogan: Tillman, didn't your mother ever teach you anything about sharing?
Newkirk: Maybe his mother doesn't know he smokes.
LeBeau: Well, maybe we should take his cigarettes away so his mother won't be unhappy.
Carter: Yeah, that's what we ought to do.
Corporal: Well, don't start anything. Someone might get hurt.
Newkirk: What gave you that idea, pop?
Col. Hogan: Knock it off! Go take a shower, Tillman.

Judge: You're in contempt of court just from the way you look.
Milburn: It's not my fault. I didn't sleep a wink last night. They were building a scaffold outside my cell.
Judge: Yeah, we gonna hang that big city banker that ran off with my wife.
Milburn: Hang him? Why?
Judge: He brought her back.

Judge: Is that the degenerate criminal I had to give up my fishin' trip for just when the bass started bitin'?

Mrs. Mendelbright: [unsuspectingly drunk on hard cider] Well, I'd better go upstairs and get my shatzel... I mean, my stachel...
Oscar: Huh?
Mrs. Mendelbright: The thing I put my clothes in - my valoose.

Jed: Your honor, Mr. Drysdale is a real good friend of ours. I can vouch for his character.
Judge: If I was to turn him loose, is he the kind of a banker that would run off with my wife?
Jed: Naw, he wouldn't do nuthin' like that.
Judge: Well, in that case, we might as well take him fishin' with us. Prisoner is sentenced to cut bait.

Jenny: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE] I don't understand something. If your people have a Council and all these rules, what do they need a king for?
Old: [CUTTING-ROOM FLOOR-LINE] Well, as a very wise - if somewhat cynical - gentleman once said, "People don't want leadership; they want convenience." That gentleman was my father. And, even if they shouldn't, I suspect his words apply just as much to your planet as to mine.

Old: Well, all those who wish to play Spaceman raise their hands
[All raise]
Old: All right. And this time, Jenny, you're the Martian.
Jenny: Naw.
Old: Oh, it's your turn.
Jenny: I know but, gee, Ben, I can't turn into things the way YOU can.

Old: [lying in the next hospital bed] You do something to your hand?
Salvadore: No. I came here for a good night's sleep. The Waldorf was gettin' on my nerves.
Old: I bet it hurts.
Salvadore: Yeah, it hurts.
Old: You're still lucky, though.
Salvadore: My luck wins prizes.
Old: [coughing] No, I mean, I've got this awful congestion in my chest.
Salvadore: Are you gripin' about a cold?
Old: At your age, it might just be a cold. But at mine, it could easily turn into pneumonia. You know, young man, you could break both legs and an elbow, and you'd still be swimming inside of a month.
Salvadore: Yeah? Well, if you think this is so great, well, let's swap. You take my busted hand, and I'll take your lousy cold.
Old: [laughs and then begins to cough again] It's a deal.

Jenny: It's a Martian! Somebody shoot!
Howie: [aiming their finger-pistols] Boing-boing-boing-boing...
[Grabbing at his heart, the monster collapses]
Old: I think ya got 'im.

Sheriff: Sorry about the delay, your honor, but the bear got loose and treed your wife.
Judge: Was that Phoebe he chased up a tree?
Sheriff: Yes, your honor, and I'm afraid she's still up there.
Judge: [to Mr. Drysdale] How much you want for that bear?