1000 Best Tom Ellis Quotes
Dan: I even skipped out on some of our wedding planning to see Body Bags 6. Remember?
Chloe: *That* was the big emergency?
Dan: It was totally worth it. It was a great movie.
Lucifer: Yes, it was. Better catch phrase, wasn't it?
Lucifer: "Not on my watch."
[They laugh]
Lucifer: Maybe I should get a catch phrase.
Lucifer: I've gotten to know all of you in my time here, which is what makes this, my final case, so difficult.
[Turns to guy]
Lucifer: Dougie, in the motor pool, who helped put a siren on my car, thank you for that.
[Turns to young uni]
Lucifer: Cacuzza, in evidence, who always let me inspect the cocaine seizures first.
[chuckles]
Lucifer: And you, nameless uni, I think I'll miss you most of all.
Keri: Please tell me you're here to put me out of my misery.
Lucifer: Could be, yes.
Lucifer: I have a story for you, Reporter. One I've never told a human soul before. I take *no* part in who goes to Hell.
Reese: Then who does?
Lucifer: You humans.
[Chuckles]
Lucifer: You send yourselves, driven down by your own guilt, forcing yourselves to relive your sins over and over. And the best part? The doors aren't locked. You could leave any time. It says something that no one ever does, doesn't it?
Lucifer: Nothing for the birthday girl to worry about. I want you to focus on one thing only, Detective. That is getting older.
[Chloe makes a face]
Lucifer: Now, I've always had an interest in the personal protection business, Rob.
Bob: Bob.
Lucifer: Bob, right. Is that short for "Robert"?
Bob: No.
Lucifer: Fascinating. It's lovely getting to know you like this. Your hopes, your dreams.
[Claps his arm]
Lucifer: Been working out as well.
Chloe: Are you coming?
Lucifer: No, I'm not really interested in you and what you're doing. I think I'm just gonna stay here and chat to my new friend, Rob.
Bob: *Bob*.
Lucifer: Bob. Right. Bob. Big fan of old Bobby here.
[Looks at the sky]
Lucifer: In fact, if someone were wondering about my list of favorite people, Bob might just be at the top.
Bob: Really?
Lucifer: I sense your disapproval, Maze. What is it?
Mazikeen: I just can't understand why you would save a human life.
Lucifer: Well, there's... something different about her that I don't quite understand, and it vexes me.
Mazikeen: Maybe it's not her that's different.
Lucifer: Is there where I'm supposed to ask, "Whatever do you mean?"
Lucifer: Detective, I can't believe I'm saying this, but there are more important things than me right now.
Lucifer: What? You want me to babysit the priest?
Chloe: I babysit you all the time.
Lucifer: Maybe I'll tag along.
Chloe: It's never gonna happen.
Lucifer: Care to wager?
Amenadiel: Honestly, Luci, who cares how you spend your nights?
Lucifer: Um, *everyone*. My exciting lifestyle gives regular people something to aspire to. I provide hope.
Amenadiel: You're just trying to stall your return to Hell.
Lucifer: Oh, I really hoped to get a few more drinks in before you worked that one out.
Lucifer: It was a wonderful time.
- Men wore hats.
- Hemlines were on the rise...
- And so was crime.
- Rationing was over, the boys were home from the war, and the air was full of big band music and possibility.
- An old friend had reached out, asking me to meet her for a drink at the garden club.
Lucifer: [to Charlotte] Have you ever considered finding, well, I don't know, a-a place of your own?
Amenadiel: Yeah. Somewhere away from Dad, maybe?
Lucifer: Yes. Somewhere familiar, warmer, perhaps?
Charlotte: You want... You want me back in Hell?
Lucifer: Well, not "in" Hell, per se, but in charge of Hell. I mean, after all, it is a kingdom without a ruler.
Amenadiel: He is right. I mean, there's a great opportunity for upward mobility.
Lucifer: You just made me sing again. This has to stop!
Chloe: I don't know why, but I actually thought he'd be proud of me.
Lucifer: Well, disappointing fathers is a rite of passage, Ms. Decker. Take it from someone who's made a living out of it.
Lucifer: Aha! Her favorite beverage. Well, surely this is evidence that Maze is guilty. And well hydrated.
Lucifer: So, someone's killing charlatans. Ah. The worst kind of scum. Next to boy bands.
Eric: I saw your "lease"... It was written in lipstick on a stripper's thong. Not exactly legally binding.
Lucifer: Hm. Well, maybe we can write the new one in blood. I find that to be quite binding.
Lucifer: You don't want inferior Ecstasy out there on the streets, ruining orgies and dubstep parties, now, do you?
God: But I'm sure everything will turn out just fine.
Lucifer: That's what you said about the bloody dinosaurs!
Dan: My entire life imploded because of you!
Lucifer: What?
Dan: My marriage!
[Swings knife]
Dan: My job!
[Swings again]
Dan: My snacks!
Lucifer: What?
Dan: I know you ate my pudding!
Lucifer: You're really going to smite me over a tub of sweetened goo?
Ella: Average height, average build, no visible scars or tattoos. I mean, even his shoes are so boring.
Lucifer: Mm, no wonder he's stealing sneaker secrets.
Lucifer: What if I told you I wasn't Lucifer anymore?
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: I've decided to try and walk a mile in another man's shoes. See the world from a different perspective.
[Looka at Dan]
Lucifer: I'm going to learn how to Douche. I... may have to rephrase that one.
Amenadiel: I know you think you're friends with Pierce. I get it, but I am warning you, Luci. He has but one selfish goal. And working with him will only incur Father's wrath.
Lucifer: [laughs] That's the bloody point!
U.S. Marshal Luke Reynolds: They won't talk to law enforcement.
Lucifer: Oh, you'd be surprised. I mean, after all, she has the Devil at her side.
Lucifer: If we don't get you back to Heaven before the detective gets to you, then she is quite literally toast.
- My sweet boy!
Lucifer: He's not real.
- Mom: Lucifer!
- My sweet boy.
- J' mama j'
- Uriel!
- J' come here ♪
- ♪ 'cause this house don't feel like home j'
- J'noj'
Chloe: Lucifer, you could go as Todd.
Dan: [Chuckles] Yeah, no, no, seriously. Look, he looks just like you.
[Todd is a balding, schlubby guy with glasses]
Lucifer: Has all that masturbation finally caught up with your eyesight, Daniel? No one'll believe that even if I tell them I've had a face *and* body transplant.
Lucifer: Give me all the usual background info. What about his priors? Any speeding tickets, overdue library books?
Lee: How the hell am I supposed to know any of that?
Chloe: You don't decide who gets punished and how.
Lucifer: That's exactly what I do.
Brunette: [Chloe is interviewing all of Lucifer's exes] He even did this thing with a Pan flute and a butternut squash...
Lucifer: I was improvising. I didn't have any zucchinis.
Hipster: ...He did this thing with my Tibetan singing pot and artisan honey.
Lucifer: It's a game I play called, "Do I make you horny, honey?"
Handsome: ...With some Vaseline and a car battery.
Dan: What?
Lucifer: That was a move I call, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Lucifer: You're saying the blade can sense my emotional state? It's the most powerful weapon in the universe, Mum... The sword that guarded Eden, not a groovy mood ring.
Chairperson: [Running AA meeting] Uh, the theme of the day is your lowest point.
Lucifer: Right, my lowest point. Well, geographically, that would be Hell, of course. Hard to get much lower than that.
Chloe: I've been thinking, and Linda does have a point. Feeling powerless is no joke. I'm so used to dismissing your crazy antics that I haven't been taking you...
[Notices holster]
Chloe: Seriously? A gun?
Lucifer: Well, I like to call it "our" gun.
Chloe: Can we ask you a few questions?
Helena: Eat me!
Lucifer: Yes, please.
Lucifer: Let the debauchery begin.
Chloe: Finally some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.
Lucifer: I can assure you He's in no way meteorologically-inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing and that was a one-off.
Lucifer: There was a picture of our dead man standing next to a very distinctive décolletage.
Amenadiel: You identified a human by her boobs?
Carly: It was dark, and I was looking through a window. Geez, do I have to do all your work for you?
Mr. Glantz: Carly, tone.
Carly: Should I roll over and fetch, too, Dad?
Lucifer: Parents. Am I right?
Chloe: What choice do I have?
Lucifer: To ride shotgun with the Devil, for starters.
Ella: You need a favor?
Lucifer: Yes, your scientific expertise on a discreet matter.
Ella: Mm. Paternity test?
Lucifer: What? Do I look like someone who'd be so irresponsible?
Lucifer: [Maddox is threatening them with a baseball bat] Take a swing and I'll shove that so far up your ass you'll have splinters in your stool.
Lucifer: You insist on letting an impossibly attractive flight attendant come between us. And not in the fun way.
Lucifer: [as Trixie hands a lollipop to Maze] Oh, love me a lolli!
Trixie: Sorry, wussies don't get any.
[She gives a fist bump to Maze]
Charlotte: I apologize for my human form, but... at least this one has supreme hindquarters.
Lucifer: You're lying.
Charlotte: No. They're quite sturdy, feel it.
Lucifer: I wasn't referring, nor will I ever refer, to your butt, Mother.
Father: I'm not afraid of dying.
Lucifer: Well, you should be. It's really boring where you're headed.
Lucifer: I tell them I'm the Devil. It tends to go over... well, I guess, reviews are mixed at this point.
Lucifer: Is that my toothbrush?
Eve: You're worried about your *toothbrush* being in my mouth?
Lucifer: When Charlotte had her mini-death, she went to Hell. Forest haunted her Hell loop and now is haunting her nightmares... which, sidebar, Dan is also a part of, so things are heating up there.
Charlotte: Oh, well, that sure is nonsense.
Lucifer: Oh, don't worry. The detective won't believe me.
[Chloe glares at him]
Lucifer: See? It's classic us.
Lucifer: [to Mazikeen] Room mates? You and detective Decker? Hoh... no no no no no no. And have I mentioned no. And also: no!
Mazikeen: You're not my boss anymore.
Lucifer: Well, that may be. But I can't have the women in my life teaming up. I'll be outnumbered. Dad forbid you manage to have sex with her before I do.
Lucifer: The three signs of puberty: acne, pubes, and wings.
Linda: [to Lucifer] I'm concerned that you're returning to a familiar pattern of...
Eve: Denial.
Linda: That's exactly what I was going to say.
Eve: Don't you just hate it when he takes the exact wrong message from every single conversation?
Linda: Oh, my God! Every single time!
Lucifer: [Annoyed with the bonding] Right. Why don't we get back on track?
Lucifer: There are certain perks to having a boyfriend who works with the LAPD. An endless supply of handcuffs, for one.
Lucifer: [to valet] Return it with so much as a scratch, and I'll see you in Hell.
Lucifer: So... why are you in trouble?
Trixie: [pointing to another student] See that girl over there? She was bullying me. She created a fake Snapchat account and used it to make fun of me. So... I kicked her in the no-no-touch-touch square.
Lucifer: [seeing he's confused, she indicates the genital region] Oh! Oh, I see. Well played. Well played, indeed.
Lucifer: So if I give people the opportunity, they'll tell me what to do?
Linda: Exactly, like...
[Serious]
Linda: Bring back my baby's daddy from Hell.
Lucifer: [Not listening] Yes, yes. Thank you. I've got to go.
Linda: [Hopeful] To Hell?
Lucifer: I just can't imagine someone so obsessed with obeying the rules of suburbia.
[Snapping at Pierce]
Lucifer: Where do you think you're going? I cook, you clean, remember?
Lucifer: You're gonna have to lose those clothes. They're a serious problem.
[Charlotte starts undressing]
Lucifer: Taking you home, 'cause this being out in public thing obviously isn't working. And then I'm going to see my colleague.
[Lucifer looks at his mother]
Lucifer: Mum!
[looks away realizing she's standing there nude]
Charlotte: Yes?
Lucifer: You're... naked!
Charlotte: Well you said clothes were a problem, so problem solved.
Lucifer: In the bloody car, will you!
[he takes his jacket off and covers her]
Lucifer: I'm going to be traumatized for eternity. Thank you very much for that.
Lucifer: You're still fantasizing about heavenly rebellion? Just let it go, Mum. Been there, done that, big fall.
Charlotte: But that's just it. Why do you think you lost that fight?
Lucifer: Oh, I don't know, let's have a think, shall we? Not enough cardio?
Lucifer: Honesty. The engineer of my demise.
Chloe: [Chasing a suspect in an ice cream store] Freeze!
Lucifer: Ha. "Freeze," good one.
Lucifer: Chloe.
Chloe: I don't want to die.
Lucifer: I won't let you.
Lucifer: [singing gleefully] Crime solving Devil, it makes sense, don't overthink it.
Lucifer: The moment you chose to pull the ripcord on your dubious plan, Dad chose to screw with you. By giving you exactly what you wanted. I mean, come on, really. It's God 101, isn't it?
Vincent: There's only ever one hard copy since she does all her writing on that typewriter.
Lucifer: Yes, and... well, her dying on that typewriter as well, it seems.
Lucifer: Dad's all-powerful.
Axara: Works in government?
Lucifer: Mmm. Rules the universe.
Axara: Freaking politicians.
Charlotte: Just making sure you're not getting into trouble.
Lucifer: Oh, that's no fun.
Lucifer: That was disappointing.
Chloe: We haven't hit a dead end yet.
Lucifer: No, no. When I heard his name was Pool Boy, I pictured a much more Baywatch-esque suspect.
Lucifer: PhD in psychology, certificate for behavioral therapy. I should have thought this woman had figured out human interaction, yet she provoked someone into killing her? Therapists don't really know anything, do they?
Chloe: Ooh, Lucifer's projecting his personal issues on the case. Guess we are back to normal.
[Lucifer chuckles]
Ella: Ah, man. I got into it with my shrink a couple of weeks ago.
Lucifer: What? You see a psychologist?
Ella: I know. You wouldn't think so, right? 'Cause I'm so upbeat all the time. But up here
[points to her head]
Ella: -- lot of darkness.
Lucifer: Really?
Lucifer: You landed on my bullet wound. That's exactly the jolt of blinding pain I needed to bring me 'round.
Dr. Valerie Haynes: I have more than I could ever want.
Lucifer: Do you, now?
[to Dan]
Lucifer: Watch and learn.
[Turns back to Dr. Haynes]
Lucifer: Surely, there must be something that you desire.
Dr. Valerie Haynes: I... Mm. I'm... I'm really all good.
[This is a first]
Lucifer: [Turns up the mojo] Come now, there's really nothing you want deep, deep down?
[Dr Haynes shrugs]
Meg: [Standing behind the doctor] I want the miracle of birth!
Lucifer: Trying to solve a murder here, love, but I'm sure you can find someone to help you with that. Eventually.
- Brothers and sisters.
- That is so sexy.
- Not now.
- Right. Of course.
- Definitely later.
Michael: Very cute. Little demon army.
- But you still don't stand a chance.
Chloe: Hey, what's with all the gift baskets?
Jed: They're from my fans. They found out my place blew up, and they've been sending me stuff from all around the world. It's crazy how devoted they are.
Lucifer: Devoted to you? Yes, that is crazy.
Lucifer: I am the devil, and Le Mec is just a man. A bloody Frenchman, to add insult to injury!
Lucifer: Someone was making the case all about themselves. Slightly unprofessional, but I forgive you, Detective.
Chloe: What, are you anxious to get back to your new friend?
Lucifer: Please. The Devil friends with a priest? That's absurd.
Chloe: It's absurdly adorable.
Ella: [On Axara's twitter] Well, I've gone through them all, and on a scale of #ILoveYouAxara to #IWantToLiveInYourSpleen, there's, like, a zillion suspects.
Lucifer: A zillion and one if you count me.
Chloe: You weren't even aware of her until this case.
[Lucifer scoffs]
Chloe: Okay, name your favorite song.
Lucifer: Well, um, there's so many...
- No, see, you're doing it again.
Lucifer: New I.D., bank account, passport.
- I know just the person to go to.
- Oh.
- Damn, you're good.
- Yep. [Door shuts]
Lucifer: He's your brother. Where do you think he'd go?
Marcus: I don't know, we're not exactly in touch. It's been a few millennia.
Lucifer: Right. Attractive female cop struggling to be taken seriously in a man's man's world - that it?
Chloe: Yeah, something like that.
Lucifer: Well, they're threatened. You're clearly smart and have notable instincts. Ignore them. Trust yourself.
Marcus: How do you know that he's God's favorite?
Lucifer: It's a long story, involving a flaming sword and a space vagina. But the quick version: a book said it, so it must be true.
Lucifer: [Lucifer finishes singing Creep. a gun cocks next to his head] Have I played that song too much? I have, haven't I? Still, there are less drastic ways to put in a new song request. What's your poison? Poison? Abba?
Lee: Revenge.
Lucifer: I'm not familiar. But if you hum a few bars, I bet I can keep up.
God: Hey, does this mean you're not angry at your dad anymore?
Lucifer: No, I'm not angry. I'm bloody furious.
Lucifer: Would it kill you to knock?
Amenadiel: Your door is an elevator!
Lucifer: This is the man forcing me from my home, he can't even make a proper suicide jump.
Chloe: But I'm sure your father has a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Lucifer: I do, thank you. Maze was about to kill the first man, whom she used to scare the first woman away, so I had to go and nab some bride-soothing demons, aka, half the guest list.
Chloe: Maybe not perfectly normal, but...
Lucifer: The prophecy, it's coming true. "Evil will be released," right? Well. The only question that remains is what kind of monster will I be when it's done releasing?
Dromos: You didn't write, you didn't call. You didn't even send a burnt offering. The-the demons of Hell?
[whispering]
Dromos: They need a king.
Lucifer: Very well. Dromos of the Lilim, by the power of Grayskull, blah-de-blah-de-blah-de-blah, I hereby name you King of Hell.
[Does a vague knighting gezture]
Lucifer: There you go. Throne's all yours.
Lucifer: We know that you found the totem, Judd. And we believe that Melinda stole it from you. So perhaps you found out and had a bit of a tiff?
Judd: [scoffs] What? You guys are high.
Lucifer: Oh, I wish.
Lucifer: People like to tell me things, those deep, dark, naughty little desires that are on their mind.
Amenadiel: She came here for the old you. The one she remembers from the garden. The one who sowed chaos and destruction for his own amusement.
Lucifer: Now you're making me nostalgic.
Bianca: I can't even count the times that Chet has come close to destroying everything I've built.
Charlotte: Children always find new ways to test us.
Lucifer: [Listening from the police van] She's talking about Amenadiel.
Charlotte: Put us through Hell.
Lucifer: ...That one's me.
Lucifer: [about Amenadiel] Ever since he found out he's Dad's favorite, he's been a bit of a dick.
Marcus: What do you mean?
Lucifer: Well, lots of chest puffing and peacocking. I mean, even more than usual.
Lucifer: [Interupting Dan's stand-up] Next you're going to say his willy's so small that when he wants to have sex he needs to call out a search party. Or that his Weiner is so small that his testicles look like they're giving the tiniest thumbs up.
Lucifer: The man is clearly a thief. Let's go give him a good throttling.
Chloe: I'm leaning towards just talking to him.
Lucifer: And *then* throttling. I suppose a little foreplay never hurt anyone.
Lucifer: What is it that you really desire?
Esther: I... I... want to stop posing and lying!
[Emotional]
Esther: It takes so much effort to make these pics look so effortless. It's exhausting!
Lucifer: Well, so you're saying it's just all a facade?
Esther: I don't even know what that word means! I'm not worldly at all!
Mazikeen: I talked to the copycat. Well, "talk" isn't exactly the right word.
Lucifer: Well, did he scream anything of value?
Lucifer: Hello there, I'm Lucifer. Lucifer Morning...
Katarina: Yes
Lucifer: Yes to what?
Katarina: Anything.
Lucifer: [Smiles] Still got it
Lucifer: How is the Silver City?
Amenadiel: Still Silver. Still a City.
Chloe: No one wants to work with me.
Lucifer: Well, I'm available.
Lucifer: Did Joey steal from you, so you made a brutal example of him? Well, guess what? I love making brutal examples of people.
Chloe: I am choosing to be here, and if you're not gonna help, you should probably just leave.
Lucifer: Well, we both know I'm not gonna do that. I'm your partner.
Amenadiel: You know that Father...
Lucifer: If you finish that sentence, I will punch you in your... mysterious ways.
Amenadiel: There I was. wandering the corridors of Hell, when... I heard a voice. A voice that I never expected to hear in Hell.
Lucifer: Who was it? Mother Teresa, Mr. Rogers? Adele?
Charlotte: I want my family back.
Lucifer: I'm afraid that's not possible.
Lucifer: In my time here on Earth, I've learned everyone deserves a second chance. Even me. Even you, Michael.
Robert: Devon was the heart and soul of King Clay. I can't tell you how hard it's been.
Lucifer: [Believes he had an affair with the victim] Emphasis on the "hard."
Lead: How the hell did you make it out here anyway?
Lucifer: Look, just give me a moment, and I'll be out of your...
[Is about to say 'hair', notices guard is bald]
Lucifer: Look, just move.
Lucifer: [in Amercian accent] Detective Decker, step away from your vehicle. Put your hands in the air and walk towards me peacefully. If you do not - I repeat - if you do not, we will have no choice but to shoot you with our new bazooka. We've actually been waiting months and months to use it, so, on second thought, please, speed away.
Dan: You gonna help me or not?
Lucifer: Of course, Daniel.
Dan: You gonna make fun of me all day?
Lucifer: Of course, Daniel.
Lucifer: Okay, who wants to kill me?
[Maze and Amenadiel raise their hands]
Lucifer: I am never alone. I'm constantly surrounded by people. You know? I party whenever I desire. My bed never cold.
Linda: Lucifer, being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things.
Lucifer: Are they?
Lucifer: You need to take me seriously. You need to believe what I'm saying. Otherwise, you'll never understand... I'm a monster. A monster who... deserves to be punished.
Linda: I believe you feel that way. And I want to understand. I truly do! But, Lucifer, you have to help me. I need you to be honest with me. Completely honest about who you are.
- you can suss from a little church confessional.
Chloe: Help! Help!
- He... [groans]
- Pull!
- Lucifer!
Lucifer: [distorted] Enough!
Linda: Lucifer, you didn't invent the idea of giving favors!
[chuckles]
Lucifer: [Glares]
Linda: Ha, yep, forgot who I was talking to.
Lucifer: Hmm.
God: Son?
- Uh... and your dad.
Penelope: Chloe?
- And my mom.
- Ah... ready for our double-Decker date?
Lucifer: It's not my home, it never was.
Linda: And neither was Hell.
Lucifer: No. No, that was somewhere I was sent as punishment. Like the DMV, but less screaming.
Lucifer: Dr. Linda just canceled my session. She won't take my calls. I think I truly scared her off.
Chloe: Something happened with your shrink?
Lucifer: Yes... and it's all your fault. I mean, you're the one who suggested I open up to her.
Lucifer: [after Charlotte attacks him] What did you expect me to do? Stab you with the blade and have it be ignited by my joy?
Lucifer: Underneath here there's prohibition tunnels everywhere. Howard Hughes used to use them to sneak his mistresses away from his other mistresses.
Amenadiel: Since you refuse to return to Hell, I can't possibly face our siblings or...
Lucifer: Dad? Yeah. Quite the judgmental one,
Chloe: We should stop stepping on each other's toes, because we both clearly want the same thing.
Lucifer: Oh, that's very forward of you, Ms. Decker. Yes, I will have sex with you.
Lucifer: There's a good chance the doctor won't be able to revive me. And we don't want me to stay dead, do we?
[Amenadiel shrugs]
Lucifer: That was a rhetorical question.
Lucifer: It's best if everyone involved just goes back to normal.
Linda: Easier said than done, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Yes, you may be right.
[Has a thought]
Lucifer: Maybe I should *do* normal rather than just say it.
Linda: Huh?
Lucifer: Help speed things along a little. Ah. Another nugget. Thank you, Doctor.
[Leaves]
Linda: Yep. Back to normal.
Frank: We had a rivalry. He had his whole doorknobs thing and, as for me...
Lucifer: You kill people in swimming pools, hence the name Pool Boy. It's very clever. I see what you've done there.
Frank: Allegedly killed.
Amenadiel: I'm pretty sure that my issues are much bigger than yours. Trust me.
Lucifer: I think we all know nothing is bigger than mine.
Lucifer: I'm sorry, but you'd have to tie me down with steel chains to have sex with you.
Axara: I'd be up for that.
Lucifer: No! What... it wasn't a suggestion!
Charlotte: You need to see that this Chloe you so adore isn't worthy of you.
Lucifer: I admit I enjoy working with her, but adore, that's a bit much.
Charlotte: Oh, please. You've sacrificed more for her than you ever have for anyone else. Have you forgotten? You killed your brother, my son, to protect her. Do you think there's anything even remotely similar that she would do for you?
Amenadiel: So what happened?
Lucifer: It was terrible, Brother. I was kidnapped.
Amenadiel: No, Luci. I meant Mom.
Lucifer: Oh. Well, didn't you get my text?
Amenadiel: What, you mean the string of nonsensical emojis? Fire, Sword, Doughnut, Spaceman, Clock, Dancing Lady, Flashlight, Thumbs Up?
- Been a while since I had a good hunt.
Lucifer: That tingling sensation running up your spine...
- Inevitability.
- And the bit running down your leg?
- Fean j'j'
Linda: You don't know why for sure your wings have returned.
Lucifer: They've returned because Dad is a control freak. He's pissed off that He can't get Mum back, so He stuck my wings back on. But I am not His Mr. Potato Head.
Lucifer: Right now, I can't show you, so I'm just going to have to tell you. Detective, Chloe, I *am* the Devil.
Chloe: No, you're not. Not to me.
Ella: You can't touch this!
Lucifer: Yes, I get it. It's the lyrics to the song.
Ella: No, it's because I haven't bagged it yet
Chloe: Thank you for your time.
Lucifer: Yes. Thank you.
Lieutenant: [Turns to co-star cluelessly] Do they seem familiar to you?
Beautiful: I'm totally into cosplay. I could dress up as a devil and make it really sexy.
Lucifer: I have no desire to have sex with myself. Not right now, at least.
- What's that?
- Shattered tibia.
- Ooh, ouch... orbital fracture.
- It was first perfected in the hellfires of tyre.
- Oh, the humerus crush! [Laughs]
Lucifer: Love that maze!
Chloe: Oh, god.
Lucifer: Not quite yet.
Chloe: We found him.
Lucifer: Who? The missing link?
[Looks at photo]
Lucifer: Proof of human/rodent copulation?
Dan: [about Beckett] She took my badge.
Lucifer: Oh. Well... good news is at least I got your phone back.
[hands over phone, Beckett has sent the message "Sorry, not sorry losers"]
Lucifer: That little bitch.
Father: We might not always understand it, but God has a plan.
Lucifer: Yes. I know. But why does everybody always think it's a good plan?
Lucifer: Once upon a time, the Devil went to New York City.
Dan: Not everyone has cash to burn.
Lucifer: Well, you should. I mean, sometimes I'll just light it on fire and throw it up in the air to see who...
[Chloe and Dan give him dirty looks]
Lucifer: That was a turn of phrase, wasn't it?
Chloe: 250 guests. You know what that means.
Lucifer: Great party.
Chloe: 250 suspects.
Lucifer: My name is Lucifer Morningstar and I... love drugs! Love them! Mmm! Yummy, yummy, yummy. Can't get enough. And... I've got lots of money...
[Flashes roll of cash]
Lucifer: Mmm, that I love spending on drugs. Not even picky. I'll do any of them. Mix them together sometimes.
[Turns to the group]
Lucifer: You ever done a he-she? No? A neon nod? A donk? Ah. Yeah, he knows what I'm talking about.
[Points to a guy]
Lucifer: That man has definitely donked.
Chloe: [about her birthday gift] What is it?
Lucifer: It's the bullet from when you shot me. Remember in the warehouse, early in our partnership?
Chloe: Oh. Yeah. I remember.
Lucifer: Well, I thought since I'll never likely penetrate you, I'd commemorate the one time you penetrated me.
Lucifer: And we only had sex twice more.
Linda: Mm-hmm.
Lucifer: But I'm a "ten times a day" man, Doctor. "Big Ben strikes ten," as they say. I'm Big Ben.
Linda: Yeah, I got that.
[Continues]
Linda: Is it possible that the word "boyfriend" is what... stopped the clock?
Corrina: Maddie was a friend. The person who introduced me to the Glory Way. God, I can't believe that she's dead.
Chloe: I'm sorry. The glory what?
Lucifer: The glory hole.
Corrina: The Glory *Way*.
Ella: Not the murder weapon. This is a .380, and the murderer used a 9mm.
Lucifer: All that means is that he hid his other gun somewhere else. So come on. Prostate exams for all the puppets.
Lucifer: What's your greatest desire?
Grace: My greatest desire... is to stop shooting this exploitative garbage.
Lucifer: Garbage? What are you talking about? What you're doing is art.
Chloe: Is it, though?
Lucifer: Well, despite the unwelcome reminder of Dad and my wings, I've never wanted pudding more in my life.
Charlotte: A book? That's what Zeke smuggled for me? Is this a joke?
Lucifer: Well, if it were, I would have chosen something funnier, like Douglas Adams or Freud.
Dan: Diamonds are pretty easy to track. Each one of them has a serial number laser-etched into it.
Lucifer: I usually get them to add crude drawings to the back of mine.
Mazikeen: You were shot and you bled. No sharp objects until we find out why.
Lucifer: Oh, quite the opposite. The danger of getting hurt's positively thrilling.
- That is unfortunate.
- But I still don't understand why you need me on this case.
- Roll her over.
- That's why.
Lucifer: "Hail Lucifer"?
- J'j'
Amenadiel: I don't need you to show me around the city.
Lucifer: Well, of course you do. This is an exciting time, brother! Now that we're making Los Angeles our home, the City of Angels can finally earn its name.
Lucifer: I take the vows of marriage very seriously.
Chloe: And that's why you chose an idiotic, bedazzled tweener as your partner.
Andy: It's called a "booty call." You ever have one?
Lucifer: Of course not. Booties call me.
Lucifer: You can't understand, Detective. And you never will.
Chloe: Well, if you won't talk to me, then... please, talk to someone else. You have a therapist. Talk to her, before it eats you alive.
Lucifer: [Confronting suspect] I know you killed Kevin Winstead. And I know you killed that intern at the hospital. Yeah. Burned her body. Only her cranium was left in the smoldering, smoldering ashes.
Chloe: ...Lucifer. Lucifer. Are you talking about an episode of Bones?
Lucifer: Wha...?
[Thinks]
Lucifer: Oh, yes. Oh, yes, no, I suppose I am, actually. Yes, episode 306. "The Intern in the Incinerator."
[Turns to suspect, who is the actor from said episode]
Lucifer: Yes, of course. You were quite good.
Matt: Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, that wasn't an easy role.
Lucifer: This is my fault. I should never have got you involved in any of this from the start.
Linda: It's not like I didn't know I was dealing with the most powerful, well... the most dysfunctional family in the universe. Lucifer, I walked into this with my eyes wide open, chose to be your friend and face all that comes with that. The good, the bad and the crispy.
Chloe: God, what am I doing here?
Lucifer: Wrong deity, but, yes, that is the eternal question.
Chloe: No. I mean here, in a bar, with you.
Lucifer: Well, I don't know. You tell me, Detective. I mean, despite your proclaimed revulsion, you can't deny that there's a connection between us. Tell me, what do you actually want?
Chloe: You mean what do I desire more than anything else in this life?
Lucifer: Yes.
Chloe: Mm-hmm.
Lucifer: No tricks. Not that they work on you, you freak. Seriously. I'm... I'm curious.
Chloe: I don't know. What... what I told you's true. I-I really do want to help people. My father was a cop. He was a great cop. My mother was an actress. Really cheesy one. I tried the acting thing. I took off my top. Wasn't really contributing to the betterment of society.
Lucifer: Oh, disagree. I love that movie.
Chloe: So I quit. Decided to become a cop like my dad and, uh, dealt with the whole "Hot Tub High School" thing, until, um, I became a detective and found a whole new way to ostracize myself.
Lucifer: Ah, the... reason your ex-maggot was pressuring you to close this?
Chloe: Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. There was a case, a shooting on Palmetto Street where a cop was shot, and I saw it differently than pretty much everyone in my department, including my ex. And I stuck my neck out, and it backfired.
Tío: Where are you two from?
Lucifer: [Speaking at the same time] Down south.
Amenadiel: Up north.
Lucifer: I know that I've been acting...
Chloe: Insecure. Childish. Possessive.
Lucifer: Well, I was going to say "strangely".
Lee: What the hell?
Lucifer: Precisely.
Chloe: Feel free to jump in and help me.
Lucifer: Joy of joys.
Lucifer: Have I done something to offend you?
Chloe: Only every time I see you.
Chloe: He said, "When the devil walks the earth and finds his first love... evil shall be released."
Lucifer: Well, this is wonderful news.
Chloe: It sounds kind of bad.
Lucifer: Oh, it's bad. It's bad, but... it explains why I'm changing.
- I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth.
- Even if it meant my own sister going to jail.
- Maybe moira was right about me.
- Maybe I do ruin everything I touch.
Lucifer: She was right.
- You should've stayed away from everyone you cared about.
Lucifer: For the record, Detective, I'd like you to note that I haven't once asked you about your evening with Pierce. I realize it's none of my business.
Chloe: You're right. It's not.
Lucifer: But Miss Lopez thinks you boned.
Chloe: WHAT?
Lucifer: Her words, not mine.
Lucifer: [Eve is sittting at Chloe's desk] Okay, where is the detective? You haven't murdered her and assumed her identity, have you?
Lucifer: What's the worst thing you've ever done to someone, without killing them?
Les: I once ate someone's kidney in front of them.
Lucifer: Ew. Well, that's a non-starter. I refuse to put any part of Daniel in my mouth.
Michael: It's all part of a bigger plan.
Chloe: Plan? What, to make me dislike you even more?
Michael: No. But... Spoiler alert! It is gonna be epic.
Lucifer: Don't be such a Debbie Downer, Daniel.
Mazikeen: I can't believe I'm saying this, but Amenadiel is right. You are changing.
Lucifer: I don't mind the odd smart-assed remark, Maze. They can be quite amusing. But don't you dare disrespect me.
Mazikeen: Or what? You'll cry really hard on my shoulder?
Lucifer: You will not speak to me this way!
- Olivia: Lucifer morningstar has volunteered to act as liaison in the Paola Cortez case.
- You're welcome, Decker.
Lucifer: Steady on.
- That wack job's gonna totally get me killed.
- J'j'
Michael: [to Lucifer] I take Heaven, you take Hell. It's kind of poetic, if you think about it.
Chloe: We'd like to ask you a few questions about Kevin Winstead.
Phil: The answer's yes... he's a douchebag.
Lucifer: Did you know that he was murdered?
Phil: No, but it's nice to get good news for a change.
Lucifer: I'm sorry, strange, disheveled gunman, have we met?
Linda: [On the phone] What you doing in Vegas?
Lucifer: Well...
[Sees Ella all dolled up]
Lucifer: Don't you look ravishing.
Linda: Lucifer?
Lucifer: Uh, sorry, I've got to go, Doctor. Speak soon.
[Hangs up]
Chloe: ...What did he say at the end there?
Linda: Um, something about...
[Tries to cover]
Linda: ... Radishes.
Dan: I don't know whether to laugh or to shoot you.
Lucifer: Surprise me.
Trixie: Isn't he funny, Daddy?
Amenadiel: What, there's no music in Hell?
Lucifer: Only for torture and usually out of tune. Lately, we've been playing music by this chap named Bieber. Gosh, you should hear the screams.
Lucifer: If I wanted to attend an art class, I would have at least had the sense to take one with a nude model.
Lucifer: How did we get stuck with the "B" team, anyway?
Chloe: Lucifer, this is Lancaster PD. The crime scene is on the L.A. border, so they're here helping.
Ella: I mean, I think they're doing a great job.
Dan: [Arrives at the scene] Geez. These Lancaster guys are a bunch of tools.
Lucifer: I'm not the Devil, I'm just a man who's delusional.
Lucifer: Welcome to Devil Time.
- So, we're still good to be roomies, right?
Linda: Ineed you to be honest with me about who you are.
- No more lies.
Lucifer: Very well.
Chloe: He had a drug problem, right?
Lucifer: Well, only if you consider ingesting millions of dollars of cocaine a problem. I call it a Tuesday. But apparently it's frowned upon.
Lucifer: Reese?
Lucifer: What, you know him as well?
Linda: My ex-husband, Reese...
Reese: Linda. Stay back.
Lucifer: Your ex-husband?
[Cheerily, at Reese]
Lucifer: So we're tunnel buddies.
Lucifer: I'm going to learn how to Douche.
Lucifer: Congratulations, Amenadiel. Or should I say... Amenagod.
Linda: What's bothering you right now?
Lucifer: Well... right now I'm experiencing a very odd feeling. It's - it's like a fat man sitting on my chest. But not in a fun way.
Lucifer: Let's speak to the security guard, if only to prove that this Rivers is indeed a con man so I can freely punch him in his smug, mildly handsome face.
Amenadiel: There will be real consequences, Luci, for all of us. Especially me.
Lucifer: You know, I liked you better drunk.
Dan: What the hell, man? SWAT?
Lucifer: Yes, well, this is when I normally get into a spot of danger, so I called in for backup like a responsible detective would.
Lucifer: [Being threatened by Brian] What about hedge trimmers?
Marcus: Tried it. Didn't work.
Linda: How's that saying go? "We're all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars".
Lucifer: The stars are just gas bags, and I never would have fed Oscar that line had I known how much I'd have to hear people quote it back to me.
Linda: [Stunned] Oscar freakin' Wilde? Really?
Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Now, *he* was an interesting bachelor.
Dan: Why leave the murder weapon behind?
Chloe: Maybe whoever did this freaked out and ran? We've seen it before.
Lucifer: Yes, we have, from the lowest form of scum on earth... like Pierce.
Jed: It's scary seeing another DJ die. Makes you realize life's short.
Lucifer: Some not short enough.
Lucifer: You give your child money every time she swears? Oh, bravo, Detective.
Chloe: No, no, no. She pays for every bad word she says.
Lucifer: Ah, well, then I'm even more impressed.
Chloe: Really? Thank you, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Impressed that you extort money from your offspring. I mean, what a ridiculous idea.
Lucifer: Ah, the diamond industry. Surely the greatest joke someone other than me played on the world. Thousands of dollars for lumps of old coal.
Lucifer: No offense, brother, but on the list of things I'd like to wake up to, your face falls somewhere after a horse's head and Coldplay tickets.
Lucifer: Where would I and therefore Abel go next?
[Looks at attractive woman in a tight dress]
Lucifer: Wherever she's going.
Michael: Lucifer finally does what he's supposed to do, without whining about it, and he gets praised. He rebelled against Dad. Almighty God, for god's sake.
Lucifer: You don't even have your powers.
Amenadiel: Yeah, thanks for that reminder, Luci.
Lucifer: Choreographer with a bum leg? Is this one of those, "those who can't, teach" scenarios?
Charlotte: If you didn't want the blade found, you shouldn't have left it in a hole in the ground!
Lucifer: A filled-in hole in the middle of nowhere, which no one would've possibly found if not for you.
Charlotte: Yes. Well... there's that.
Lucifer: Besides, where else am I gonna hide it? Lux? You know how many people traipse through there each week?
Charlotte: Well, I don't know. Your bedroom, then.
Lucifer: Worse.
Marcus: Turns out Abel killing me didn't remove the mark.
Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Yes, I got that from the whole "you still being alive" of it all.
Lucifer: Come on, Detective. You can't seriously believe I killed that pathetic malcontent.
Chloe: It doesn't matter what I believe.
Lucifer: That's all that matters, Detective.
Lucifer: To truly go full Detective, I require a partner who's clever and unpredictable, handsome, sexual.
[Looks at Dan]
Lucifer: Suppose one out of four will suffice. Well done, Daniel.
Dan: Wow. Which one of the four am I?
Lucifer: As you can see, the Devil does indeed wear Prada.
Nigel: You slept with your therapist?
Lucifer: What? O-only in the beginning. Then she decided that I shouldn't pay for therapy with sex. So, such strong morals, don't you think?
Lucifer: I'm not sure what lead I'm following here, but am I supposed to let them punch me, too?
Dan: What? No. I screwed up. Okay, Lucifer? I let my anger get the better of me and now Chloe's gonna pay for it.
Lucifer: What, so this isn't some elaborate game of bloody possum?
Dan: Of course not!
Lucifer: Oh, well, in that case...
[Escapes his bindings]
Lucifer: [about Azrael's blade] What am I supposed to do, dip it in some whiskey and light a match?
Charlotte: Last time it caught flame, you were angry, so think about your Father, that should do it. L
Lucifer: All right.
[Stares at the knife dramatically. Nothing happens]
Lucifer: Nope. Right, back to my whiskey plan.
Lucifer: The good news is, I think you're right. I think Amenadiel does have the child safe. The bad news is... I think it's my least-favorite place...
Lucifer: Is it me, or is your plan going down in flames?
Lucifer: How much do you hate your brother on a scale of one to ten?
Marcus: One thousand, infinity plus one.
Lucifer: This next song is for a, ah, special someone. A woman who says she doesn't need me anymore.
random person in the crowd: I need you!
Ella: We are talking designer poison, here.
- So, how do we get an antidote?
- Well, that right there is the tricky part.
- Designer poisons need designer antidotes.
Lucifer: Detective!
- It won't stop.
Ella: Why do you like this Wesley Cabot guy so much?
Lucifer: Well, he rips men's hearts out, wipes out entire villages, never says thank you, and he's applauded for it
Ella: Oh, him... as opposed to you. That's right, because you're the
[Whispering]
Ella: Son of God.
Lucifer: Exactly.
Ella: Yes. I get it. I mean, Stanislavksy would be very proud of you.
Lucifer: Okay, for the last time, I am not a method actor.
Ella: So method of you to say. Damn, you are good. Hey, can you cry on cue?
Carver: [shouts] You. Are. A Player! Own it!
[crowd cheers]
Lucifer: [sitting up] Excuse... excuse me! Excuse me, question!
Chloe: [low] What are you doing?
Carver: The Q&A's after the speech, buddy.
Lucifer: No, but it's quite pressing. What if you have all those manly whatnots and the woman still doesn't respond?
Carver: You may think you have them, but you don't.
[Chloe nods]
Carver: That's why you're here, right?
Lucifer: From now on, think of me as your human shield. Or "Devil shield", rather.
Eve: Uh, what am I looking at?
Lucifer: Demons from Hell. In freshly dead bodies.Well, it's both something old and something new in something borrowed with plenty of nasty blue bits. So I'd call that a grand slam.
Lucifer: Now, this poor victim, *she* is boring.
Chloe: We don't know anything about her.
Lucifer: Oh, don't we?
[Looks around apartment]
Lucifer: Generic artwork, dull clothes, beige furniture. I mean, even her fruit bowl's so tragically safe... No mangoes, no papayas. Not even a measly avocado.
Ella: [Freaking out] Look what I've done to my brain. Okay, I have been partying all the time, like, like, like, all... all the time. I-I think... I don't know, I think I've just been looking for a connection, something, anything since I lost what I had with the Big Guy, and now I'm gonna...
[Eve kisses her]
Lucifer: Ladies. Oh. It's a comfort to know I'll expire erect.
Lucifer: Our dung beetle is protecting someone who's following in his footsteps. Protégé, perhaps.
Chloe: I found out someone else was following Robbie, and someone's been uploading photos online today from Nick's company. Last one was posted one hour ago from a party that's still happening. Our killer could be there.
[leaves]
Lucifer: [staying at the bar, glass in hand] Right.
Chloe: Are you coming or what ?
Lucifer: Oh sorry, I thought this was the part where you leave me behind and say something like "Lucifer, Stay. Good devil."
Chloe: I'd rather keep my eye on you.
Chloe: He told me about a prophecy.
Lucifer: [Scoffs] Right. What is it this time? Frogs about to start falling from the sky, or... perhaps 'winter is coming'.
Vanessa: I own a small ranch outside of Buenos Aires.
Lucifer: Lovely, I knew some folks who moved to Buenos Aires back in the day.
Vanessa: Oh, good people?
Lucifer: Nazis. No extradition treaty in Argentina. Just a nasty bunch of miscreants hiding in plain sight. Gosh, they got away with murder.
Chloe: What is with all this "yes, and" stuff?
Lucifer: Oh, just some improv thing I was hoping would knock me out of my idea dry spell.
Chloe: But you're literally just saying what you would normally say, with the words "yes, and" in front of it.
Lucifer: Yes, and... it's clearly not working. Stupid Daniel.
Lucifer: Since you're here, you can help me decide. Moscow Midnight or Blue Lagoon?
Amenadiel: That's the same shirt.
[Lucifer gives him a look]
Lucifer: Hello, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Really?
Lucifer: How's the album sales doing?
Jimmy: What album?
Chloe: Soundtrack to "Time Will Tell," which you produced. Whitney Houston hit the top ten for album sales after her death. Michael Jackson hit the stratosphere. Not sure you'll achieve such heights having Delilah killed, but that sure is a boatload of royalty checks headed your way. Guess you really needed the cash, huh? Which is why you had to pay the shooter with your watch.
Lucifer: The watch Delilah gave you. Now, that's just sick. But then you are, so...
Chloe: [drawing her gun as he grabs a hostage] Hey, Jimmy?
Jimmy: I made her, and she ruined me. She humiliated me. She owes me.
Lucifer: You're not God, Jimmy. You didn't make her. But you did destroy her. So I'm gonna punish you.
Jimmy: You back off, you freak. I mean it. I am not going to jail for that bitch. No chance.
Chloe: Listen to him, Lucifer. Back off.
Lucifer: I told you, it's fine. I'm immortal.
Lucifer: That was a clucking waste of time.
Chloe: [about a painting of the Devil] Looks just like you.
Lucifer: Pfft. I manscape.
Chloe: We're not... normal.
Lucifer: No.
Chloe: We... we're us. And we're... incredible.
Marcus: I have walked this Earth for thousands of years. I have seen everything, I have done everything. I have watched everything I've ever known turn to ashes over and over again.
Lucifer: Oh, it's almost like you're in...
Marcus: Hell? Yeah.
- That cartoon.
Lucifer: Oh, the style is quite familiar.
- This must be the heart of his torture.
- Oh, she's his mother.
- Just watch your cartoons, Jimmy, and everything will be fine.
- I'll be right back.
- Well, I was his inside woman, and now I'm yours.
Lucifer: [Gunshots] Why is it that sometimes
- I'm immortal...
- And other times
- I'm all too human?
- It appears that you make me vulnerable.
Lucifer: Will he be coming with you from now on? Because he is killing our banter.
Chloe: Absolutely not, no. Pierce and I only came...
[Realizes what she just said]
Chloe: Drove together just this one time. One time.
- You are gonna be more than sorry unless you tell me everything.
- Please. Please, don't...
- No!
- No! No!
Lucifer: No, don't!
Ella: I know, God works in mysterious ways, and bad things happen for a reason. But this many bad things...
[Exhales]
Ella: I just... I'm having a hard time finding any reason. Why would He do all this?
Lucifer: Well, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't actually think it's my Father's fault.
Amenadiel: Oh, these poor creatures. They know not what they do.
Lucifer: I beg to differ. Everyone here is well aware that they're doing me.
Lucifer: Hanging out with a cop in Las Vegas is like bringing your grandmother to an orgy.
- Oh. Go, go, go.
Lucifer: We're just looking for a young lady about 21, 22-years-old.
- Goes by the name of Mira.
- We, um, have a photo of her here, if you want to come take a look.
- No one's in trouble, promise.
- We're just worried about her.
[Woman] Did you say Mira?
Chloe: Ella, are any of these pieces here big enough to get a partial from?
Ella: Probably not. But, hey, someone invented glue for a reason. Right?
Chloe: You're going to reassemble all those pieces?
Lucifer: I'm fairly certain there are people in Hell being forced to do exactly that right now.
Ella: Oh, I was the kind of kid who did jigsaw puzzles picture-side down.
Lucifer: KillShare is...?
Scotty: It's a dark web chat site for those interested in, well, killing.
Ella: Jeez, there's a site for everything.
Marcus: I should have known that you wouldn't be able to figure this out.
Lucifer: Well, I mean, the good news is we've got all the time in the world to do so.
Marcus: For me, that's a bad thing.
Lucifer: It hurts not being accepted for who you are.
Lucifer: But me, I'm a wonder-seeker.
Chloe: You seek wonder?
Lucifer: Well, also drugs, debauchery and now certain extinct whiskeys.
Lucifer: I'm surprised that you'd date someone so on in years.
Chloe: Huh? What are you talking about?
Lucifer: Oh, believe me, Pierce is, uh, well, he's much older than he looks. And we all know that dating older men has its downsides: performance, stamina, you know, the important bits.
Lilith: I'm not talking about sex, Lucifer. I'm talking... about an emotional connection.
Lucifer: Oh! Absolutely not.
[Chuckles]
Lucifer: It would take a literal miracle for me to want something like that, and I'm fairly certain my father's not handing those out anymore.
Amenadiel: You... are a mockery of everything divine.
Lucifer: Thank you.
Chloe: Asking the obvious here, but was your stuff illegal contraband, too?
Lucifer: Define "Illegal."
Mazikeen: I'll get him talking.
Lucifer: No. We've only got one shot at this. We can't risk him lawyering up or dying.
Lucifer: Oh! To Love Is to Die. Impressive work. I mean, to be a man playing a woman playing a man. It's absolutely dizzying.
[Gets a look]
Lucifer: What? Should I have said spoiler?
Delilah: Did I... sell my soul to the Devil?
Lucifer: Well, that would imply the Devil's actually interested in your soul.
Lucifer: But you are here on Earth, so, if it's any consolation, you couldn't do worse than our father.
Amenadiel: How do you know that?
Lucifer: Because ours was literally never there.
Dan: I really don't think it's the missing woman, Lucifer. It's a little unusual for a woman to strangle someone.
Lucifer: But look at the size of the bruising; clearly not man hands.
Ella: I've seen some guys with some pretty tiny lady hands.
Lucifer: Dan doesn't count.
Dan: Oh, man, what the hell? Are you here to work, or are you here to play games?
Lucifer: I'll have you know I take the School of Dan quite seriously, even if it does involve skinny-fit jeans.
Chloe: Go home. You're tired.
Lucifer: Okay. Fine. But, only if I can borrow these.
[Holds up her handcuffs]
Lucifer: I promise I'll bring them back.
Chloe: Please don't.
Chloe: You don't get to decide who gets punished and how!
Lucifer: That's exactly what I do.
Lee: [Lucifer's eyes glow red] I didn't hallucinate, did I?
Lucifer: What do you feel? Confusion? Disgust? Terror?
Lee: Mostly terror.
Chloe: Wait.
Lucifer: You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
Chloe: You sure?
Lucifer: Yeah, I'm fine.
- Detective!
- Detective!
- J'j'
Lucifer: Now, he would know not to put onion skins down the garbage disposal.
Marcus: You know, why *wouldn't* I put onion skins down the garbage disposal? They're garbage!
Lucifer: They're compost!
Marcus: You know what? Thank God that this marriage is over.
- Just shoot me, detective, please.
- Because maybe you'll finally realize...
- Son of a bitch, that really hurts.
Lucifer: She shot me, and I bled.
- That's not possible.
- Well, don't think about it too much; It's exciting.
- The fun's just begun.
Lucifer: These are the future leaders of America, Detective., engaging in sex, drugs, and... lecherous behavior. Makes me proud.
Lucifer: All my self-hatred is also self-inflicted. No one to blame but myself on that.
Dan: You tortured a suspect?
Lucifer: I didn't lay a finger on the spineless cretin,
Lucifer: I can think of worst places to die. For one, Florida.
Amenadiel: What's the plan?
Lucifer: Plan is to get a drink. Can't think when I'm sober.
Remiel: I may not like you, but I hate Michael even more.
Lucifer: Now there's a ringing endorsement for my campaign poster.
Lucifer: Let me get this straight. I just spent millennia down there diligently doing everything He asked without complaint, and you have one sleepover in Hell and Dad tells you your watch is over?
Chloe: Any idea of how long it took the poison to activate?
Ella: Well, it's hard to say for sure, but best guess, maybe 24 hours?
Lucifer: I hope poor Ricky made 'em count. Enjoying what little life he had left with sex or friends.
Chloe: Or sex *with* friends.
[Lucifer stares at her, dumbfounded]
Chloe: I just figured that's where you were going with that.
Lucifer: All my time with Dr. Linda has been about exploring the denial that I'm in, but I've overcome that now, I've had an honest-to-Devil epiphany. Now all my problems should just, you know, go away.
Lucifer: I'll show you out, if you insist.
Charlotte: I'm not going anywhere.
Lucifer: So we're assuming that our killer listens to this juvenile program? We've narrowed our suspects down to anyone who doesn't have satellite radio, and Ms. Lopez.
Chloe: I am gonna tie a bell around your neck at some point.
Lucifer: Oh, sounds like a fun bit of foreplay.
Dan: Perry hired him to go behind the Triad's back to kill Boris, knowing that they'd punish him for it.
Lucifer: Clever Perry, killed two birds with one stone. Three, if you count the chicken.
Linda: The fact that he came to this emotionally mature insight on his own... Impressive. Shows a sign that he's grown.
Lucifer: Bully for me. Now can we jump to the part where you teach the detective how to, you know, return my mojo?
Linda: Yeah... Scratch emotional maturity.
Michael: I guess you need a strong stomach if you're going to be God.
Lucifer: I see what's happening here. A mysterious figure handing out favors, probably dashing and handsome. You think I'm the Sinnerman. Well, truth is...
Marcus: You're not the Sinnerman. He's smart, and calculated.
Lucifer: [aggrieved] You don't know me. Maybe I am the Sinnerman. Surprise!
Lucifer: Rebranded? Does it come with a new scent? Free toy inside?
Chloe: [to the two Diablo actors] I have to bag the whole place for evidence, and you both are not cops. So play time's over. Out!
Lucifer: Don't take offense. She used to say the exact same thing to me.
Lucifer: I love L.A. Even the homeless have an IMDb page.
Lucifer: There's no point. The Detective's a safe distance away now.
Marcus: No, it's good. I came prepared. As I recall, this can kill you pretty well.
Lucifer: A fair fight it is then, Cain.
Lucifer: If we're gonna get revenge on Dad, we've got to be committed.
Marcus: I've already married you. I'm not sure how much more committed I could be.
Lucifer: You're an inspiration, Miss Lopez. And if there were more people like you, then... well, the world would be a far better place.
Lucifer: His name's Louie pagliani.
- He's a local loan shark and all-around dirtbag.
- I thought I dealt with that human stain last time I was here.
- Yeah, well... this is Vegas.
- This town is always up for an encore.
Lucifer: What's your name?
Lee: Said out, bitch.
Lucifer: Mr. Said Out Bitch, tell me, what is it you really desire?
Reese: My wife, who's the smartest and funniest person I ever met, and the only woman that I've ever loved, is sleeping with another man. A sleazy, arrogant, womanizing piece of garbage.
Lucifer: Well, then, why are you wasting time trying to pick me up?
Lucifer: Why do humans think they can rectify one evil with another?
Lucifer: I clearly didn't do this woman a favor, because she's... well, a dentist.
Lucifer: Detective, this is a chance for me to use my devilish strength. You can see what I'm truly capable of.
Chloe: Or I can just point my gun at him and yell, "Freeze!"
Lucifer: Devil emoji? That's it. I'm talking to a copyright lawyer today.
Lucifer: [Walking right past a couple of bodyguards] Hello chaps, just looking for the head of a big drug cartel. Is he home? Vicky?
Lucifer: These are some clothes that my nephew has grown out of. It's creepy how children do that, isn't it?
Chloe: So, what now?
Lucifer: Well, I mean, I've obviously proven myself to be an invaluable crime-fighting tool. You're a pariah in the department. I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Don't you?
Chloe: Who the hell are you?
Lucifer: I told you, I'm...
Trixie: [running in and hugging him] Lucifer!
Lucifer: [obviously uncomfortable] Uh, yes. Hello, child. Um, just...
[picking her up and putting her on the bed]
Lucifer: Why don't you save some of this unpleasantness for your mother, yeah?
- And if you can't,
- I can just shoot you in the face, put you out of your misery, no?
Lucifer: No, Vincent.
- Nobody will be shooting anyone in the face.
- Clearly, you're going to need a little more time.
- Uh, that'll be the doughnuts and the pastries for you, Vincent.
Chloe: Trixie's best friend Landa got a new All-American doll, and now Trixie wants one. So what does she do? She destroys her old doll, expecting me to replace it.
Lucifer: Mm, impressive. But, then, I'd expect nothing less from the shrewd little minx.
Lucifer: So you're inside the man that murdered you?
Dan/Vincent: Yeah.
Lucifer: Daniel! Only you could do something so completely, absurdly ridiculous.
Lucifer: That's Daniel. He's a douche again.
Eve: Oh, shall we punish him too?
Lucifer: Believe me, his existence is punishment enough.
Lucifer: I have an effect on people. It's a way of pulling out their deepest desires, revealing the truth within. It works on everyone. Everyone except for Chloe Decker.
U.S. Marshal Luke Reynolds: Jesus!
Lucifer: Not quite.
Ella: [about victim] A fellow nerd. I'm sure you're in a better place now.
Lucifer: Well, even if she's in the worst place, it'd be far more interesting than this, because this poor lady, definitely a shoe.
Chloe: Delilah was shot to death by a drug dealer. And looks like Delilah herself kept the guy pretty busy. You know, it's sad, it's ugly, but it's not rocket science. Something probably went south between them. She gets riddled with bullets, and a nice little act of God takes him out.
Lucifer: You know, it doesn't work like that, Detective,
Jack: So when you find out the best thing that ever happened to you started with a lie, well, it's like building a house on quicksand. Sooner or later it all falls apart.
Lucifer: Sorry. Got lost in a daydream, on account of your problem being so extraordinarily boring.
Chloe: Right now, Maze needs a different kind of help.
Lucifer: What, some strong drugs and a lobotomy?
Chloe: We've have an injured groom and a deceased bride.
Lucifer: Oh, they got to that "till death do us part" nonsense quickly, didn't they?
Chloe: The bride suffered a gunshot wound to the chest.
Lucifer: Chest? Shooter didn't go for the head? First rule of zombie killing.
Marco: Who the hell puts green onions and ranch dressing on a sandwich? You better hope that your friends are better at finding people than they are at taking food orders. 'Cause I'm beginning to lose my patience!
Chloe: [Whispering] Dan wouldn't make a mistake like that.
Lucifer: Are you sure? I once saw him eat a marble 'cause it was in a candy dish.
Jeffrey: Yes, we were having an affair, but that's over. Broke off last week.
Lucifer: You didn't have to kill her to break up with her, did you?
Jeffrey: Of course not!
Lucifer: Oh.
[sighs in relief]
Lucifer: But I don't even get murdered by a dentist. The great Lucifer Morningstar's final foe is a... dental receptionist.
Amenadiel: You see, Father wants me to just... To just be there for you. To have your back. Now that you're evolving.
Lucifer: There was this, ah, soul that I used to torture back in Hell. And like a good masochist, he'd call the shots. "Burn me. Freeze me. Hurt me." So, I did. And this went on for centuries. Until, one day, for some reason, he missed his daily punishment. And when I returned, he was crying. "Please, my king," he said, "Don't ever forget me again. I promise I'll be good." It was then that I realized he was so full of self-loathing, void of any self-respect, that no matter the depth of my cruelty, whatever minuscule attention I paid, gave meaning to his... pointless existence.
Amenadiel: Why are you telling me this?
Lucifer: Because he reminds me of you. And you think I've changed? You, the former angel, powerless and pathetic, a disgraced failure with no better way to spend your days than yipping at my heels for scraps to remind you of a time of when you once mattered?
Amenadiel: Hm. I know what you're doing. And you can kill the messenger if you must. But just know that I am here for you.
Dan: He's a dude and he's straight.
Lucifer: That's never stopped me before, Daniel. I'm so good at flipping men, they call me "The Skillet."
Charlotte: Deep down, I know what I helped cover up was murder.
Lucifer: I believe her.
Chloe: Really?
Lucifer: Mm.
Chloe: Why?
Lucifer: Well, which quintessential response would you like? The obscure enigmatic one or the blunt nonsensical one?
Chloe: [Looking at victim's notebook] So what are these, jokes?
Lucifer: A charitable description, Detective.
[Reads]
Lucifer: "Avocado, how about avoca-don't?" Would it be rude to throw tomatoes at a corpse?
Lucifer: I'm simply saying that we should be focusing on more pressing criminal issues.
Chloe: Such as?
Lucifer: Well, I'm glad you asked, actually.
[Opens newspaper]
Lucifer: The death of Celeste McDougall. Very suspicious, indeed.
Chloe: She was 92.
Lucifer: Yes, and fit as a fiddle. I mean, look at that smug face.
Linda: I didn't know that they could grow back. Are wings like... body hair?
Lucifer: No. Don't be so ridiculous. This is Dad's latest stunt. A celestial spanking, if you will. I suppose that's what I get for giving Mum her own universe.
Lucifer: Know this... when I find out what someone truly desires, I find out their greatest weakness. And that's not a parlor trick, Sinnerman. It's power.
Lucifer: I'm trying to take my focus off someone very dear to me.
[Looks at the sky]
Lucifer: But... a friend, actually. Well, no, indeed, more a coworker.
Ella: Why don't you tell them about your crimes?
Roxie: What?
Lucifer: Yes. J'accuse. First of all, of mixing Corinthian and Doric columns in your McMansion.
Linda: You don't think you deserve any of the blame for what happened with your mother?
Lucifer: No. That's between her and Dad.
Linda: Then whose fault is it?
Lucifer: Well, I suppose none of this would have happened if Amenadiel had been watching over Hell like he was supposed to.
Linda: I thought that was your job.
Lucifer: Well, it was, but when I abdicated, it became his. Sort of like a game of hot potato.
Lucifer: So, Detective, looks like you've solved another case because of me.
Chloe: I solved this case despite you.
Linda: [to Amenadiel] Stop! You lied to me about being a doctor, so you could manipulate Lucifer, who is actually your brother. Somehow. Do you realize the ethical position you put me in?"
Lucifer: [laughing]
Linda: [to Lucifer] And you. Let me guess. You were going to make a sexual joke about putting me in a position?
Lucifer: [a little shamefacedly] ... that's true... yeah.
Lucifer: [Recreating crime scene] Can I have a gun? I feel like Nikolas would definitely have a gun.
Chloe: No...
Dan: Actually he was more of a hammer guy. Liked to break fingers and arms.
Chloe: Okay...
Dan: Some legs and teeth.
Lucifer: Right. Can I have a hammer, then?
- with that mentally ill nightclub owner, w-what's-his-name.
Erika: [ecstatic] Lucifer!
- Lucifer!
Lucifer: That's right, say my name. Say my name.
Charlotte: Lucifer?
- Is anyone here?
Lucifer: Detective! Hiii.
Tyson: [after Lucifer speeds them to the edge of a cliff] I don't want to die! I'll come with you, tell you anything!
Lucifer: Smells like you might need a change of underpants first, Tyson.
Lucifer: What's the point of extorting and murdering if you don't get to do what you desire? Even if it is, Dad help me, bocce ball.
Lucifer: What are you gonna do, spoons to the eyes? Ants inside his urethra. A Urethra Franklin, as I like to call it.
Lucifer: I've come back to help. Any leads yet?
Chloe: I need your help like I need a third boob.
Lucifer: [to Linda] The detective listened in whilst we charmed Jamie. Well, I charmed. You babbled mostly.
Chloe: She was a drug addict?
Oscar: Don't judge her. A lot of us were.
Lucifer: Oh, I'm not judging. I love drugs. In fact, do you think she might have any lying around?
Lucifer: Here's the deal. We can have as much naked cuddle time as you desire, but... you're gonna have to listen to me, too. There's a few things that I'd like to discuss with you. You know, just a... an existential dilemma or two. Deal?
Linda: Yes.
Lucifer: Lovely.
Chloe: [Watching a video of Maze apparently stabbing a guy] You told her to blow off some steam?
Lucifer: Well, I was really hoping she'd choose Catalina.
- Lucifer, how did you even get this number?
Lucifer: Excuse the mess, but it's so good of you to come, detective Decker.
- Thanks for being super-cryptic in a really unhelpful way.
[Chuckles] What's the emergency?
- Well, it's-it's better to show than tell, really.
Chloe: I can tell you're worried... And that's actually really endearing... But Dan's there.
Lucifer: That's worse.
- Yeah, it's what he said in the e-mail.
- I did? I...
- What? He was an awesome math tutor, and now he helps me with my taxes.
Lucifer: Detective.
- I think I'm the killer.
Lucifer: I guess this is good-bye.
Marcus: Yeah.
Lucifer: But, on the bright side, see you never.
Reese: I'm married... to a woman, thank you very much.
Lucifer: Oh. Does she know you're gay?
Chloe: So, for someone with so many hit movies under their belt, why is he so broke?
Ryan: Exotic cars. Private islands. You know what costs more than an albino tiger? The upkeep on an albino tiger. He blew through his money. Didn't listen. And now there's no more coming in.
[to Lucifer]
Ryan: Thanks again.
[Leaves]
Lucifer: Such a tragedy.
Chloe: Well, it's always a tragedy when someone gets killed.
Lucifer: No, I'm talking about his tiger. I would have bought it if I'd known.
- I mean, could you be any worse of a shot?
Lucifer: Oh, come on.
- Che... it's like he's not even trying.
- Not her, you idiot... me!
- Shoot me!
- Drop your weapon now.
Ella: Okay, so based on the burn pattern, which is pretty gnarly in this case, it looks like the highest concentration of accelerant was placed, well...
[Gestures to the victims genitals]
Ella: Here.
Lucifer: Goodness gracious, great balls of fire.
Chloe: [Not assumed] Lucifer.
Lucifer: I mean, I've heard of hot pants, but this really brings new meaning to the term "fire crotch," doesn't it?
Chloe: *Lucifer*.
Lucifer: Wait. I have more. "Smokey Bobinson". "Weekend at Burnie's".
Ella: His burning bush?
Lucifer: Oh, very good! That was actually me, by the way, so don't tell anyone
Sinnerman: The only way she'll survive is if I take you to her.
Lucifer: Right. Who's up for a field trip?
Lucifer: It's just your friendly neighborhood Devil.
Lucifer: If all the apples are bad, maybe it's the tree that's the problem.
Melvin the Magnificent: For just twelve dollars, our deluxe ceremony of Anubis includes this ceremonial mask, two acolytes, and a drum made from the skin of a Vestal Virgin, a gilded sacrificial dagger, and one live... chicken!
Lucifer: It never ends well for the chicken.
Melvin the Magnificent: Or you might prefer our economy package. Only six dollars! And the chicken heart comes pre-sacrificed for your convenience.
Tourettes: Pig farts! Crash and burn.
Lucifer: Oh, I see, you're one of those. Right.
Chloe: [Angrily] What are you doing?
Lucifer: Consulting!
Chloe: Then consult less.
Chloe: What about Hell?
Lucifer: [Chuckles] Oh, right. That's what this is about, is it? You probably want to know who's down there, don't you? Well, many may surprise you. Jim Morrison, for instance, Gary Coleman.
[to Jacob Williams]
Lucifer: Do you want to destroy me? Get in line!
Lucifer: Oh, have a drink. Two, if you like. Who says the Devil can't be charitable?
Chloe: If I'm gonna be forced to work with you again, I call the shots.
Lucifer: You most certainly do. Right in the leg.
Lucifer: All work and no play makes the detective... a shoe.
[Holds up monopoly piece]
Chloe: Dan slept with Charlotte?
Lucifer: Trust me, you're not half as disgusted by that as I am.
Chloe: Is there anyone who hasn't slept with that woman?
Lucifer: Uh...
[Raises a hand]
Lucifer: I get it now. So your boring attire is like camo for the average Joe. Blend in, catch the baddie off guard. Afterwards they'll forget you're even there. That is very clever, Daniel.
Dan: [Goes to approach suspect] Rodney Lam. LAPD. No sudden moves. You're under arrest.
[No response]
Dan: Rodney?
Lucifer: ...Maybe we blend in so well he doesn't even see us.
Lucifer: I didn't wanna have to do this. But... one last time before I am God. Tell me, Carol, what is it you truly desire?
Carol: Really! I am all good.
Lucifer: Oh! Did not have you as the complex type. But come on... there must be something in there, huh?
[Looks Carol with his intense stare]
Carol: I want someone I can spend the rest of my life with. Someone who loves me for who I am. Somebody I can wake up next to in the morning and just totally connect with.
Lucifer: Oh! I see. You want sex.
Carol: [after being released from Lucifer's stare] No! What? No!
Lucifer: Well, you are in luck my friend. Because you are looking at a literal sex god. One determined to help you get laid.
Carol: [laughs] Yeah, No! I am pretty sure, I don't need your help to find the right person.
Lucifer: Hmm.
Carol: Besides, if I have gone this long...
Lucifer: Oh, I see. I mean I get a squirrelly myself after a dry patch. How long has it been exactly?
Carol: I... I don't know, fourteen, maybe fifteen...
Lucifer: Days? Oh, that's awful.
Carol: ...Months.
Lucifer: [Lucifer horrified] Fifteen months?
Carol: Shh!
Lucifer: How can you even walk properly? Yeah, thank future me, I am here. We need to remedy this situation immediately.
Chloe: Dan slept with Charlotte?
Lucifer: Trust me, you're not half as disgusted by that as I am.
Chloe: Is there anyone who hasn't slept with that woman?
Lucifer: Detective, does that mean you're on my side now?
Chloe: Lucifer, this is your home, I've always been on your side.
Ira the Beardy Hipster: Secrets are part of the game, but they're part of life, too. At the end of the day, aren't we all putting on a facade?
Lucifer: Well, I know I am.
[Whispers to Chloe]
Lucifer: Pretending that these people don't stink like a pack of wildebeests. Do they actually bathe on this show?
Kylie the Rocker: I can hear you!
Lucifer: Can you? But can you smell me?
Lucifer: You don't seem too bothered by my being the Prince of Darkness.
Linda: I'm willing to work within your metaphor.
Lucifer: Right.
Linda: Sometimes it's easier to make intimate issues about something bigger than yourself.
Lucifer: Well, there are few things bigger than myself.
Linda: I'm well aware.
[giggles]
Trixie: You're gonna be in trouble if my mom finds out.
Lucifer: What? I said I'd drive you to school. I never specified which one. So play along, and I'll deliver my end of the bargain.
Mr. Taylor: Mr. Morningstar?
Lucifer: Yes.
Mr. Taylor: Hey. Mr. Taylor.
Lucifer: Ah.
Mr. Taylor: You're here for the Starford tour?
Lucifer: I am indeed. I am indeed. And this little creature, who gets whatever she wants...
Trixie: [offering her hand] Trixie Morningstar. Nice to meet you, sir.
Mr. Taylor: [laughing] Hi.
Lucifer: Ah, lovely.
[first lines]
Jacob: Save your soul! It's up to you! I ask you to repent! Repent your sins before it is too late! It is the end of times! The Devil walks among us!
Lucifer: Padre, you have no idea how right you are.
[chuckles]
Lucifer: But there's no need to be angry about it. Enjoy the ride.
Jacob: Bless you. Have you seen the face of the Devil?
Lucifer: Oh, every morning in the mirror, pal.
Jacob: Exactly! He's in all of us! In our every moment of weakness. Look at this world! The sin, the lust! It is the Devil's touch.
Lucifer: N-N-No, don't give me credit for all that. You humans do plenty all on your own.
Linda: Okay, so, how do you angels work? I know Amenadiel can slow time, and your other brother Uriel could predict patterns. So why is your gift desire?
Lucifer: Well, that's a good question, actually, I suppose. When I first went to angel school, they sorted us into different houses for different powers.
Linda: There's a school for angels?
Lucifer: No.
[laughs]
Lucifer: There's no Hogwarts in the sky.
Jack: You get a description?
Gertie: Sure, sure. Handsome. Kind of beefy. Short-haired, strong jaw. Usually wears a plain blue suit. Oh! And an eye patch.
Lucifer: Well, you might have led with that.
Charlotte: Detective
Dan: Counselor.
Lucifer: Douche.
Dan: Dick.
Dan: I still don't get it, man. Why the hell are you following me around all of a sudden?
Lucifer: Because I want to learn what it's like to be you, Daniel.
Lucifer: This afterword could explain how to overcome my own form of writer's block. We need to find it.
Chloe: The *killer*. You mean we need to find the *killer*.
Lucifer: Exactly. So they can hand over that book.
Lucifer: Ah, hello again, my little cannonball. Sorry, I didn't introduce myself earlier. Lucifer. Morningstar.
Young: Seriously?
Lucifer: Yes, yes. I'm the Devil, hope you'll hold it against me.
Young: Lucifer Morningstar, the guy who owns Lux?
Lucifer: That's me.
Young: [laughing] No, it's not. I've seen him before. His beats are sick.
Lucifer: [he's taken aback] I very much beg your pardon. Beats?
Young: Yeah. He performed at a rap battle last week in the Valley.
Lucifer: [offended] Every single part of that sentence horrifies me.
Young: It is so gross that you're pretending to be someone you're not.
Lucifer: [in disbelief] Uh!
Young: [walking away] Even your accent is fake.
Anthony: [Chloe is pretending to be Candy] Why do you want to divorce Lucifer?
Chloe: Um... Well, I just feel like we're supposed to have a partnership, and it just totally feels like it's not working anymore.
Anthony: Mm-hmm. And you two have been married for...
Lucifer: Five days.
Lucifer: I can't believe there's so much paperwork for one single convent. I mean, they're nuns, after all. How many interesting things can happen to them, really?
Lucifer: Glad to see you're hard at work.
Ella: You know, studies show that the brain does some of its best work when it's not trying. That's why great ideas come in the shower.
Lucifer: Well, I know you said that today is the day that I disappear, but your mom and I have decided not to panic, so I'm building a panic room.
Lucifer: I guess we'll just have to go nut to butt, have Charlie do the foxtrot, cover each other's sixes and all that. You know? Hooah!
[Pierce gives him a look]
Lucifer: Military terms. Weren't you a serviceman?
Marcus: Yeah. We don't talk like that.
Bobby: I want out of this hell. Every day I come to work, and I tell stupid jokes with puppets. *Puppets*!
Sheila: Bobby. What are you saying? This is a dream gig.
Bobby: It's a nightmare! You know what the biggest joke is?
Lucifer: You?
Bobby: ...Me!
Charlotte: Well, what am I supposed to do, just sit here and hide?
Lucifer: See a movie, go to a museum. Catch up on what's happened over the past few thousand years. You'd be surprised.
Charlotte: [after sending Lucifer a trio of strippers] I tried to find ones that resemble your detective. Then again, all humans look alike to me.
Lucifer: No, you did, um, well, remarkably well. But what on Earth for?
Charlotte: Since anger didn't work, I wanted to incite a different emotion. See if that would get the sword fired up.
Lucifer: A foursome isn't an emotion, Mum!
Lucifer: Look, I'm really trying to listen, so if you're telling me that you'd like to stab me, then...
[Stands arms outstretched]
Lucifer: Just avoid the old parsnip, for old time's sake.
Lucifer: I have no idea what "The Sin Bin" is, but I approve.
Lee: Are you sure this is my hell?
Lucifer: Well who else's would it be?
Lee: I don't know, but I'm thinking that you're just here torturing yourself.
Lucifer: What are you so upset about? I mean, it was a valuable teaching moment for the children. They are our future, after all.
Chloe: You're teaching them to grow drugs!
Lucifer: No, no, no, I'm teaching them to *sell* drugs.
Lucifer: [Finding Pierce at Chloe's house] I just didn't expect to see you here. On a weekend. Wearing open-toe, non-work-related Birkis.
Lucifer: My clever detective.
Chloe: You said it, he's the villain. If it walks like a duck, it talks like a duck, it probably murders like a duck
Lucifer: Oh, good idea, duck. Have you ever been to the Mistral? They do a wonderful duck à l'orange.
Chloe: Are you drunk?
Lucifer: I wish. Pesky supernatural metabolism keeps getting in the way. Still doesn't stop me trying, though.
Chloe: Ok, I get it: you wanna feel new things.
Lucifer: Exactly!
Chloe: [Chloe unexpectedly lamps him one hard on the cheek] How's that?
Lucifer: Bloody hell, that hurt! Do it again!
Mazikeen: I forgot my knife. Must have left it here somewhere.
Lucifer: Oh, no, not one of your Hell-forged blades... that is a loss.
Mazikeen: Not a blade. A knife. Forged in... I don't know, China.
Mazikeen: So now this is my fault?
[Storms out]
Lucifer: Demons. Am I right?
Chloe: Lucifer, name-calling isn't gonna help.
Lucifer: [after pretending to be a priest and listening to a confession] For your penance: ten bloody Marys and a good shag.
Linda: You cut them off, didn't you?
Lucifer: I did, yes. But then they grew back, so I cut them off again. It's like whack-a-mole back there.
Lucifer: [Discovering Pierce is still alive] Shouldn't you be, I don't know, having tea with Hitler by now?
Chloe: You're really tan. Are you, uh, are you a surfer?
Blue: Well, I'd sure like to surf... in your eyes.
Lucifer: [Listening in van] Ugh, dearie me. He's lucky it's not a crime to be a cheeseball.
Lucifer: Miss Lopez is stronger than you think. Stronger than she thinks.
Lucifer: Mum, this is Candy, my wife. I'm sorry that we didn't invite you to the wedding. We just decided no enemies.
Sam: I don't know your dad. Unless, is your, is your dad the Sinnerman?
Lucifer: Quite the opposite.
Dan: I can feel your negative vibrations from across the room, man.
Lucifer: Well, then you should probably move even further away. I've just given the detective space for the moment. You can give me space forever.
Lucifer: You don't happen to recognize this unfortunate looking chap?
Ping: Hmm, don't recognize him. You have any pictures of him without his clothes on?
Linda: The Angel of Death? Is he... uh, is he another one of your brothers?
Lucifer: Sister, actually.
Linda: The Angel of Death is a chick?
Lucifer: Yes, I sort of wish we were back to talking in metaphors.
Linda: That makes two of us.
Lucifer: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I believe we need to focus.
Ella: This is the Teflon Totem. Only one is hidden on The Cabin per season. You find this bad boy, and you are safe from elimination. Guess where I found it?
Lucifer: Well, if it keeps you safe from "elimination", I'd say tucked right up in...
Lucifer: [coming back to the precinct] Oh. Burnt coffee and body odor never smelled so good.
Lucifer: Reach for the unexpected, and allow yourself to be surprised.
Linda: Maybe we should explore the possibility that being vulnerable can be a good thing.
Lucifer: No, it can't. It means you're at someone else's mercy.
Linda: Then maybe you should just stay away from everybody. Stay away from Chloe.
Lucifer: But... I don't want to.
Reese: I'm gonna expose you for the fraud you are. And save this woman. Don't you try and stop me.
Lucifer: I won't. She might, though.
Veronica: Who is this guy, Lucifer? He doesn't seem very fun.
Reese: You're not tied up against your will?
Veronica: Um, no. I'm pretty into this. At least I was until you got here.
Chloe: Lucifer!
Lucifer: [Wakes up] Am I dreaming? No, wait, I can't be; you're both dressed.
Chloe: You can't just walk in there in your three-piece suit and say,
[in a terrible Lucifer imitation]
Chloe: "Hello, drug dealers!"
Lucifer: I would never do that.
Lucifer: [at the karaoke bar] Annyeong, mayagsang!
["Hello, drug dealers!" but in Korean]
Charlotte: I just want a chance to start - OVER.
Lucifer: But... going HOME?... That's not starting over-that's-that's going BACKwards...
[realizing the meaning of Chloe's words]
Lucifer: ... and that's not good for anyone... so it's time for you to move forward, mum.
Chloe: Let's not jump to conclusions. It's not like the video shows her actually stabbing our Vic.
Lucifer: No. Merely plucking her knife out of his chest.
Benji: You're not paparazzi? Oh, thank God.
Lucifer: Ugh. Man, the things Dad gets credit for.
Ella: [about the victim's stomach contents] Okay, so we got rice, coconut, snails... all typical for someone on a survival reality show. Here's what's not typical. We got sugar, flour, cacao, raisins, cherries and rum?
Lucifer: Uh, that is the ingredients of Hungarian rum balls.
Ella: That is oddly specific. And... actually, a pretty good guess.
Lucifer: Spent a lot of time with Attila, actually, back in the day.
Lucifer: You and Maze are like snow pants and elephants. You don't mix.
Lucifer: Madame, please! Ground your helicopter.
Amenadiel: Apparently, there's a tradition here on Earth to ask someone to be a back-up parent in case something happens to the child's real parents.
Lucifer: Oh. Are you seriously asking me, evil incarnate, to be the child's godfather?
[laughs]
Lucifer: The irony.
Lucifer: Well, in my experience, problems are like Bible salesmen or genital warts. If you pretend they're not there, sooner or later they disappear.
Chloe: Look, I know what you're doing.
Lucifer: Being the most selfless devil you've ever met?
Linda: Okay, can we go back to the Angel of Death? Is he... uh, is he another one of your brothers?
Lucifer: Sister, actually.
Linda: The Angel of Death is a chick?
Lucifer: People sometimes kill people with whom they're in love. The heart's mysterious.
Lucifer: What do you want?
Ty: [looking at Ali] Her.
Lucifer: Well, then "carpe diem," my friend.
Chloe: Okay, last night was a fluke. For both of us. Never happened, leave it at that.
Lucifer: Right. You snore, by the way. Like an Albanian field wench!
Linda: You've never mentioned your mother before. Why is that?
Lucifer: Well, you wouldn't understand, would you?
Linda: I'd like to.
Lucifer: So what have we got, Booth?
Chloe: Booth?
Lucifer: Yes, the FBI agent on "Bones".
Chloe: The TV show?
Lucifer: Uh-huh. Watched all 12 seasons. It's riveting stuff. It's like watching a documentary of us.
Lucifer: Did Klumpsky ever meet his inspiration? Did he ever get a good look at him?
Mazikeen: No.
Lucifer: Are you sure?
Mazikeen: Five broken ribs, a torn rotator cuff, and "It's a Small World" on repeat? Yeah, I'm sure.
Herb: That millennial pervert has turned our little slice of heaven into a devil's playground.
Lucifer: Well, I'll be the judge of that.
Lucifer: Hello, murderer.
Chloe: Originally, the show was much edgier. About a guy dealing with his insecurities about his, um...
[Flustered]
Chloe: W-Well, I really don't want to tell you.
Lucifer: Ooh. Well, now I need to know.
Chloe: [Signs] Dealing with his insecurities about his, um, micropenis.
Lucifer: All right, well. Hold me closer, tiny donger. So you're saying we're looking for a needle in a penis stack.
Chloe: See, this is why I didn't want to tell you.
Chloe: Why do you care who I'm with?
Lucifer: Because he doesn't... He doesn't deserve you.
Chloe: Then who does deserve me?
Lucifer: Someone. Someone better?
Lucifer: I need to have a child.
Lucifer: [approaching Paolucci in a bar, he taps him on the shoulder] Excuse me.
[Paolucci turns around]
Lucifer: Hello.
Anthony: What do you want?
Lucifer: Well, firstly, let me state that I'm in no way standing up for my associate...
[he gestures to Chloe at the bar behind him]
Lucifer: Detective Decker.
[Lucifer turns back to face Paolucci]
Lucifer: But on behalf of myself, and only myself, I think you're a complete sack of ass.
[Lucifer hauls back and punches Paolucci into a group of cops]
Lucifer: I was complaining to the detective about some posts of mine that have been removed from a web site for roosters of award-winning size. You see, I was posting pictures of my-...
Chloe: Okay. Okay.
Marcus: Now that I know I'm dying, I don't know what I was so afraid of. I'm going to Heaven.
Lucifer: You really believe that?
Marcus: I told you, Lucifer. I don't regret anything I've done.
Lucifer: Yes, but that was before you killed Charlotte Richards.
Marcus: No! No, that was an accident.
Lucifer: Well, you pulled the trigger. You ended her life. You chose to kill her. Deep down, you know you're a monster. And that you belong in Hell, where you would torture yourself with that truth for eternity. 'Cause no matter what you tell yourself, you can't outrun what you've done, what you truly are.
Marcus: And neither can you.
Jerry: Taking care of your gear is the sixth stepping stone on the Firehawk Path to healing.
Lucifer: Ah, is stepping stone seven, "Use said gear to kill someone you hate"?
Lucifer: [Chloe shoots the killer to save his life] Why did you do that?
Chloe: He was gonna kill you.
Lucifer: No, no, no, no, no, no. You just... you just let him off too easy. He needs to pay! He needs to suffer! He needs to feel the pain, not escape it!
Chloe: Don't worry. I'm sure where he's going, the pain's coming.
Lucifer: No. No, it's not, actually. And you know why? Because *I'm here* and he...
[gunshots ring out and she falls to the ground]
Lucifer: [final line] Oh, my me.
Sexy: You here for business or pleasure?
Lucifer: Oh, pleasure. Always pleasure.
Linda: You've been complaining about having weird dreams lately. Including one where you couldn't control your wings.
Lucifer: I've also dreamt I was king of the centaur people. Doesn't mean I'm gonna start wearing horseshoes.
Lucifer: She was very generous with information after I was very generous with the old...
Chloe: Okay, I don't want to know.
Lucifer: Maze? Ah, good, you're still here. I have a job for you.
Mazikeen: On my way out, Lucifer. No more jobs.
Lucifer: Yes, yes, I know. You don't work for me anymore. Very clear. But I have a feeling you're gonna love this one. Just think of it as a parting gift.
Lucifer: Another good deed but still no rush like before. Am I doing this wrong?
Chloe: In so many ways.
[first lines]
Lucifer: [behind woman on building ledge] Go on. Go ahead, jump. You know you want to. Hmm? Trust me, it's a warm welcome.
Young: Won't it hurt?
Lucifer: Oh, there's only one way to find out...
Lucifer: Okay, one Ecstasy dealer coming right up. You two can meet me at Lux in an hour.
Marcus: Sure.
Lucifer: Right. Daniel?
Dan: Yeah?
Lucifer: You can stay.
Lucifer: [Looking at a giant prop chicken] That's the biggest cock I've ever seen.
Chloe: What else can you tell me about Jana? I need to put together a victim profile.
Lucifer: Well, I mean, she gave incredible...
Chloe: And I'm not talking about her sexual skills.
Lucifer: Right.
Dan: [At Six Flags] I hate these places.
Lucifer: What? Women on adrenaline highs, massive potential for wardrobe malfunctions.
Ella: Somebody wet his whistle with poison.
Lucifer: That blows.
Chloe: Oh, are you praying or-...
Lucifer: Yes, usually works. He must've gone for a wank or something.
Linda: I'm going to need a good metaphor. Hmm. Let's use... you... as an example.
Lucifer: Oh, role play. It's been a while, Doctor. We don't have the clown masks with us, but I'm still game.
Lucifer: I see the cocaine is working.
Ella: [Speaking a mile a minute] Really? How can you tell? I don't feel any different.
Lucifer: Oh, I don't need your help anymore.
Chloe: Then why are you still here?
Lucifer: Because this case matters to you. Therefore it matters to me. We- we're partners, Detective.
Lucifer: You are?
Chloe: Yeah.
- She just kept me from making a big mistake.
- Detective!
- I... jana...
- Wheels up, captain?
- I'm afraid this flight's grounded.
Lucifer: You're quite adorable when you're flustered.
Chloe: I... I'm not flustered. I'm nauseous.
Lucifer: Now you're blushing; I'd say I'm making headway.
Chloe: Okay, look, let me make myself perfectly clear. I will never, ever, ever sleep with you. Never. Okay? Got it?
Lucifer: Playing hard to get, I like it.
Chloe: When Hell freezes over, Lucifer...
Lucifer: I can arrange that, actually.
Lucifer: No way in Hell I'd ever return to, well, you know.
Lucifer: [Looking at body] This is not Candy.
Ella: [shouting] Oh, man, that's awesome!
[Everyone at crime scene turns to look at her]
Lucifer: Sorry, my-my friend here. Not a fan of the deceased, I'm afraid.
Ella: Mean, she was just so mean.
Lucifer: Women.
Lucifer: [on stakeout] This is the longest I've sat in a parked car and not had sex.
Chloe: Ew.
Lucifer: Now the sword's complete, we can get on with our plan.
[the piece falls from the sword]
Lucifer: ... Or not. Maybe there's another piece missing
Amenadiel: [Annoyed] Or maybe a dragon has to breathe on it. Who knows?
Lucifer: [Arriving at Dr. Martin's office] Mum. What are you doing here?
Charlotte: Oh, you know, girl stuff
Lucifer: Naked girl stuff?
Lucifer: Where's Maze?
Amenadiel: Well, I was gonna ask you the same question.
Lucifer: Perhaps your snoring drove her away.
Lucifer: Detective, does that mean you're on my side now?
Chloe: Lucifer, this is your home. I've always been on your side.
Roberta: She has so much cocaine up her nose, it would snow if you shook her.
Lucifer: Yes, I've tried that.
Lucifer: Well... I never thought I'd say this, but... enjoy the rest of your life.
Chloe: [to Jamie] Can you explain why a witness said that they saw you speeding away from Wesley's dojo this morning?
Lucifer: Welcome to Devil Time.
Chloe: What are you doing?
Lucifer: Trying out my new catch phrase.
Dan: "Welcome to Devil Time"? What the hell does that mean?
Lucifer: She knows what it means.
Jamie: ...I have no idea what that means.
Lucifer: I have 7 billion problems and only love one.
Chloe: So, Grey and Amanda have zero connection to the shooter. But the shooter had the same watch as Grey. That can't be a coincidence. Maybe Delilah gave him one, too, like kind of a go-to gift. I...
Lucifer: Well, that would imply she was actually sleeping with that maggot.
Chloe: Really? Jimmy, 2Vile, Grey Cooper. That's three other maggots she's sleeping with. I don't think there's a lot of discretion going on with her.
Lucifer: Yeah. I suppose you got a point.
Lucifer: I realized granting favors defines me. I mean, you wouldn't ask Superman not to fly? A Kardashian not to selfie?
- Every hell loop is different, so we could be in for anything.
- I'm ready.
- Well, I hope so, because knowing Jimmy, it's probably quite twisted and terrifying.
- Good news is, I shall be in complete...
Lucifer: Control?
Amenadiel: All of those demons, all of those tormented and tortured souls, where do you think they go?
Lucifer: Don't know, don't care. Not my problem, brother.
Eve: I needed to apologize for... for all of it, and everything I've put you through.
[sniffles]
Eve: But I realize... I mean, you're not this perfect guy I made you out to be
Lucifer: You suck at apologies.
Lucifer: And so there we were, the detective and I, standing in her kitchen, and... she made me... a sandwich.
[Looks at the doctor]
Lucifer: I believe this is the part where you tell me it's much more than just a sandwich. For example... maybe it was a gesture of intimacy. You know, the slices of bread representing, perhaps, the detective's trust?
[Thinks]
Lucifer: Or... was it a mistrustful sandwich? I... Doctor, please, what delicious message was she sending me?
Linda: What about Hitler?
Lucifer: The sandwich is Hitler?
Linda: Maybe, if you thought about how your actions affected her, she might be more receptive to how you feel.
Lucifer: So what you're saying is I need to make it all about her for a change?
Linda: Exactly.
Lucifer: And then she can make it all about me. That is brilliant, Doctor.
[Leaves]
Linda: ...Should've seen that one coming.
Mazikeen: Good luck mojoing a blind guy.
Lucifer: I don't need eyes to find out the Sinnerman's desire, ergo his weakness. There are other ways to learn what someone wants.
Mazikeen: What ways?
Lucifer: [Has no clue] Just... ways.
Ella: Is it really so crazy? I mean, what if God was one of us?
Chloe: Just a slob, like one of us.
Ella: Exactly. Or just a..
Chloe: A stranger on a bus.
Lucifer: My father would never use public transport. That song is completely unrealistic.
Lucifer: Do you mind if I play the me's advocate for just a second?
Lucifer: You know, I'm still no closer to figuring out your secret.
Dan: Because I don't have a secret.
Bobby: We never used that puppet. It was my imaginary friend's imaginary friend. The character didn't land.
Lucifer: I wonder why.
Lucifer: Since it very well be my last night on Earth, let's go to the bar.
Trixie: My parents wouldn't like that.
Lucifer: Wouldn't they? Sounds like grown-up problems to me.
Lucifer: Not accurate, historically speaking, but quite bloody. My old friend Tutankhamen would've loved it.
Chloe: Partners to the end. Right?
Lucifer: Partners to the end.
Lucifer: I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Dad.
Marcus: Why are you doing this?
Lucifer: How am I supposed to solve the mystery of how to kill you if I don't understand you first? Your strengths, your weaknesses, because everyone has a kryptonite, Lieutenant.
Lucifer: Apparently, they have 12 different types of whiskey.
Amenadiel: Yes, humans are funny with their infinite capacity for distractions.
Lucifer: It's not distraction, Brother. It's choice.
Lucifer: There's not a scratch, Detective. Impressive marksmanship.
Chloe: Actually, I was aiming for you.
Lucifer: [about his nightmare of Chloe's death] It's not the sort of dream I'm used to. A lot less nudity.
God: [after waking up from his "God" persona] What this? What-What just happened?
Lucifer: What are you talking about? We just beat Santa.
Lucifer: I grant you... entrée to all things me. And give me your phone.
Amenadiel: Okay.
Lucifer: Right. Now you have access to all my social media accounts: Instagram, Snapchat, Grindr...
Chloe: Amenadiel. You're my dad?
Amenadiel: [laughs, then clear throat] Of course not.
Chloe: So "laid a blessing" isn't a euphemism?
Lucifer: Well, not in this case, at least.
Chloe: Unis found Sandy Shaw in her car in a parking structure.
Lucifer: Oh, well, I hope our case didn't ruin your kissy-time with Dan.
Chloe: What is with your recent obsession with my love life?
Lucifer: Obsession?
[laughs]
Lucifer: That's awfully defensive. Probably indicates deeper issues, wouldn't you say?
Linda: I agree. Why are you so defensive, Lucifer?
Chloe: Good question!
Lucifer: Et tu, Doctor?
Linda: Lucifer, you asked me to analyze the situation.
Lucifer: No, I asked you to help figure out what's wrong with her.
[pointing at Decker]
Chloe: Did you now?
Linda: Nothing's wrong with her. She's a woman balancing a lot on her plate, and, as far as I can tell, doing a fantastic job.
Chloe: Why, thank you. You're right, Lucifer, she's amazing.
Lucifer: No, she's verbal Ebola. Where's the button to put the glass up?
Chloe: [scoffs] This isn't a limo, Lucifer. And, Dr. Linda, you should really join us more often.
Lucifer: [scoff, sighs] Getting double teamed is usually much more fun than this.
Chloe: Mmm. Gross.
- Is this thing on?
- I keep waiting for god to talk back to me, too.
- But you know what, don't get discouraged, okay?
- He is listening, it's just a one-way intercom kind of deal.
Lucifer: Come on, brother, where are you?
Lucifer: [On the Phone] Candy, darling, I can't talk now. About to catch a killer.
[Killer garottes him from behind]
Lucifer: Gonna have to call you back!
Lucifer: Detective. Is that you? Hope you have come to your senses.
Malcolm: Well, that depends on who you ask, Mr. Morningstar.
[gun hammer clicks]
Malcolm: I'm here to murder you.
Lucifer: Well... that is a buzzkill.
Delivery: You Dan Espinoza?
Lucifer: How dare you.
- Oh, don't worry, she'll show up.
- She's not gonna miss her aunt's wedding.
- I'm not so sure, she got her mum's stubbornness.
- I mean determination.
Lucifer: Uh, there she is.
- Rory! There's a seat here.
Mazikeen: Me and the other demons would get bored, so we'd switch up the Hell loop. Okay? It would always be you killing him, but at different times, different places. He was a fast learner.
Lucifer: So, what you're saying is Hell made him multilingual and completely adaptable?
Marcus: And we put him in the body of a young woman.
Mazikeen: Smooth move, boys.
Lucifer: Don't play silly buggers with me, Mum.
Chloe: They're shooting their ad campaign here on Stage 69.
Lucifer: [On his phone, not listening] Mm-hmm.
Chloe: Should be just past the creepy flasher.
Lucifer: That's nice.
Chloe: Lucifer, I know you're not listening to me. Creepy flasher? Stage 69?
Lucifer: [Looks up] 69? What-- where?
Lucifer: I am your father, and I demand that you shoot me!
Lucifer: For the next day or so, I'm going to need you to be unpredictable. Whatever you normally do, just do the opposite.
Chloe: Too bad. I was totally going to have sex with you today.
Lucifer: Really?
[Smiles, then realizes]
Lucifer: ... Oh. Well played, Detective.
- Not exactly.
Lucifer: Wait.
- What just happened?
- Maze is right.
- Rivers is innocent.
- Which means she's in more trouble than she knows.
- J'j'
Lucifer: I'm the Devil. I speak everything.
Lucifer: What is it you all desire?
Carly: Get rich.
Firehawk: Instagram model.
Bonehead: Be my own boss.
Firehawk: Play video games!
Colin: My father's love.
Lucifer: Urgh.
Dan: [Running to catch Beckett, who has stolen Lucifer's car] What, Beckett? Yup. I'm looking right at her.
Chloe: Dan, where are you? You were supposed to be at the precinct hours ago.
Dan: I... uh, yeah. Sorry. Battery.
[Hangs up, Lucifer strolls up]
Dan: What, you couldn't run? I mean, it is your car.
Lucifer: Oh, I'll get it back, unlike your dignity.
Ella: The whole point of a favor is to do it for free, okay? And then you just trust the love will come back to you somehow. Favors are about faith.
Lucifer: Ugh. Please don't ruin favors for me.
Lucifer: Dad be damned.
Lucifer: [trying to free his hand from Trixie's] Do we have to be touching? Don't you have a leash or something for when you go out?
Trixie: Do you want to sell this or not?
Marcus: You must be Lucifer.
Lucifer: Morningstar, pleasure.
[puts out his hand]
Marcus: There was an investigation last year. We interviewed, what was it, 92 of your sexual partners? I think I'll refrain from physical contact if you don't mind.
[Lucifer scoffs]
Marcus: You don't seem reckless. Narcissistic, hedonistic. That I see.
Lucifer: Well, thank you very much.
Marcus: Not a compliment. Your file's as long as my johnson.
Lucifer: Quick read then?
Marcus: Hardly.
Lucifer: Well, I for one don't need a file to ascertain you haven't even had a snog in ages, have you?
Marcus: Accurate.
Chloe: Jed, meet Lucifer.
Lucifer: "Jed"?
Jed: Yeah, it's my real name. What's yours?
Lucifer: [Scoffs]
Chloe: Malcolm has Trixie. If I get him his money, he'll let her go.
Lucifer: Right. Because if Malcolm's established anything, it's his trustworthiness.
Chloe: What choice do I have?
Lucifer: To ride shotgun with the Devil, for starters.
Lucifer: What I hate more than anything is a liar, a charlatan, someone who doesn't believe in what they say.
Lucifer: Believe me, there is no winning when you play by a twisted tyrant's rules.
Chloe: That was Trixie's school calling. Apparently, she's been using some very creative language today.
Lucifer: Oh. Do tell.
Chloe: Well, she called her math homework a "cluster duck" and her teacher a "mother flunker".
Lucifer: [amused] Did she not call anyone a "sock sucker"?
[Chloe looks at him, pissed]
Lucifer: What? It's just someone who sucks socks.
Chloe: I can't believe you're teaching my daughter loophole swear words.
Lucifer: In my defense, "mother flunker" was entirely the little deviant's creation. And very clever of her, I might add.
Lucifer: Well, I suppose I do know what it's like to fall. And also to rise.
- A woman who says she doesn't need me anymore.
Lucifer: Yeah.
- Well, I say she's wrong.
- And I'm gonna prove just what I'm willing to do for our partnership.
- That's right, rock a sweet '903 jam.
Dromos: Hell has been really bad since you left.
Lucifer: Oh, well, that's a shame, 'cause it was a real vacation destination before.
Lucifer: Oh, i haven't heard music like that since... well, since the Silver City.
Amenadiel: What, there's no music in hell?
Lucifer: Only for torture, and usually out of tune. Lately we've been playing music by this chap named Bieber. Gosh, you should hear the screams.
Chloe: Oh, and by the way, we need to talk.
Lucifer: Four most terrifying words in the English language.
Lucifer: What's your deepest, darkest fantasy?
Lexy: To have sex in the ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese.
Lucifer: Not what I was expecting.
Lucifer: Here's me being super-duper helpful: before the orderlies took the victim away, she told me who did attack her.
Chloe: Great. Who is it?
Lucifer: Santa Claus.
[Chloe sighs]
Ella: You see the bruising and the semi-circular marks on her neck?
Chloe: Strangled.
Lucifer: Aha. Long fingernails, which means the killer's female.
Ella: Not necessarily. I mean, the marks aren't deep. It could just be a dude who's not serious man-groomer.
Lucifer: Come on. It's so obvious; your cinder-hellion had just plunged a screwdriver into the poor lad, when she was interrupted by the chambermaid, who she then snuffed out with her bare hands.
Chloe: Chambermaid? Who's the killer, Mrs. Peacock in the library with the candlestick?
Lucifer: It's classic Dad. Hanging the final piece of the Flaming Sword right under our noses... Well... Your nose, this entire time
Amenadiel: You're being awfully glib.
Michael: [posing as Lucifer] I'm always glib, brother.
Lucifer: [At a solarium, after throwing a thug through a wall full of drugs] Oh! Oh look at that: snow storm in a tanning salon, how ironic.
Lucifer: Should I go after her?
Chloe: No. We all have a choice. Let her make hers.
Lucifer: Everyone thinks they know what He wants. Amenadiel did when he first got here, now Uriel does. Human wars have been waged because of it. Dad showed me an open door. Does that mean I was meant to take you back to Hell or was he insinuating that Hell was getting drafty? Nobody bloody knows, because the selfish bastard won't just tell us!
Lucifer: I'd do a spit take but it's single malt.
Mazikeen: [about Dr. Martin] How about proof of all the good she's done? Like this guy. Lucifer Morningstar.
Lucifer: Oh, that's quite flattering.
Mazikeen: ...The worst patient anyone could ask for. He is a back-stabbing, selfish, narcissistic little devil. He's greedy...
Nigel: Is there a point to this?
Lucifer: Yes, I'm wondering the same thing.
Chloe: What is Trixie doing coloring crime scene photos at a desk when we have a psychotic killer in custody?
Lucifer: Well, she's done wonders with that mangled corpse, though. Very artistic.
Lucifer: Let's find those balls.
Lucifer: Have you tried grenade down the throat?
Marcus: Yes.
Lucifer: Acid bath?
Marcus: Mm-hmm.
Lucifer: Devoured by wolves?
Marcus: Yes.
Lucifer: Dropped into helicopter blades?
Marcus: Yes.
[sighs]
Marcus: I've been trying to kill myself since the Bronze Age. I have tried everything. Even jumped into a volcano once.
Lucifer: What, you survived molten lava?
Marcus: Yeah, it was a rough six months.
Amenadiel: [Talking about Charlotte] There's something going on with her.
Lucifer: Yeah. Or it's just that time of the millennium.
Judd: I'm sorry for the asshole act, it's just for the cameras.
Lucifer: What do you mean, an act?
Judd: It's the best way to win the cash. I studied every season of The Cabin. 62% of the time, the villain wins. So to play the odds, that's the role I'm playin'.
Lucifer: Michael needles peoples fears. It's what he does. But we also know he's all bark and no bite. Don't you remember, growing up? He'd get under your skin with one of his schemes, then you'd give him one of your atomic wedgies, and that'd be that.
Amenadiel: I don't think a wedgie's gonna do it this time.
Chloe: Ella; we have to proceed as if this missing woman is still alive, okay?
Ella: Yeah.
Chloe: I don't want to find another body.
Lucifer: Trust me, you will not find another body.
Dan: [Enters] I found a body!
Lucifer: I'm not the one who hid a gun up a puppet's backside. Or have all the puppets got guns in them? If so, I'll set my DVR.
Lucifer: Careful. I know how to handle snakes.
Marco: Look, shooting him was an accident. Okay? I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to do it. I-I'm just trying to... I'm just trying to fix things.
Lucifer: Oh, don't worry about it, pal. You just give me the gun, and I'll even things up.
Mazikeen: So, you lost a 14-year-old kid.
[Points at Dan]
Mazikeen: And she stole your badge
[Points at Lucifer]
Mazikeen: And your car?
[laughs hysterically]
Dan: It's annoying, isn't it?
Lucifer: Well, it is when she does it.
- Sure. Why don't we talk about it over game night?
- Oh, wait. That's something you only do with Trixie, who is not even his real daughter.
Chloe: Rory!
- I do not believe this.
- You guys, come over here.
Lucifer: Game night happened twice.
Dan: Criminals like Maddox, they use art sales to cover up money transfers. They could demand any price for a piece of art, and in return provide whatever it is their clients really want.
Lucifer: Can he provide an eye bath? I'll need one after this.
Lucifer: My brother died.
Linda: Amenadiel?
Lucifer: No, I... another brother. I have many.
Linda: Lucifer, I'm so sorry.
Lucifer: Oh, it's fine, what's done is done.
[about Yellow Viper]
Chloe: He doesn't have to talk to us. He really seems to care about those kids.
Lucifer: It's odd for a criminal. Or anyone, really.
Lilith: All this time you've spent on Earth... have you ever connected with a human?
Lucifer: I've connected with thousands of humans. Once, Caligula and I made a human train of 37...
Mia: [about her affair] Before I knew it, we were...
Lucifer: Hitting a home run? Digging into the dugout? Slamming it out of the park?
Linda: Killing a human is against your father's rules, not your own. And you've recently learned that angels self-actualize.
Lucifer: So you think... that I'm punishing myself for killing a human?
Linda: I'm wondering if... you're punishing yourself for enjoying it.
Lucifer: Rest easy. I'm not a thief. Your valuables are untouched. Unless, of course, you consider your wife a "valuable". In that case, I've touched her several times. Twice this morning.
Lucifer: What is it you desire?
Dave: I-I want someone to buy my art because they actually like it.
[sighs]
Dave: Clients only buy my paintings because they're forced to as part of our deal, but... I know they just throw them away. And treat 'em like trash.
Lucifer: An insult to trash.
Dave: All I want... more than anything, is just... is to be treated like a real artist.
Lucifer: Really? That's it? Well, miracles aren't my thing, but I'm sure we can come to an arrangement.
Lucifer: if we pop Abel into a body this young, you could be stuck with him for another 70 years. That's a lot of quality time.
Officer: Partner name and badge number!
Lucifer: Oh, for goodness' sake. Detective Decker. I'm afraid I don't know her badge number. But I'd say with certainty she's a 34-B, if that helps.
Uni: Checks out.
Lucifer: Well, of course it does... I'm never wrong when it comes to cup size.
Dan: Don't mess with us right now, man, it's my wife...
Lucifer: Ex-wife.
Dan: My ex-wife's life is on the line.
Dave: You... so you're trying to help your *ex*-wife? Something's wrong with you, buddy.
Rosie: The angel... he took one of my figurines. Gabriel.
Lucifer: Right. Try lending him some money. Your tune changes rather quickly.
Chloe: You know everybody here. I mean, who would have a dark secret that they would want erased?
Steve: Uh, everyone.
Chloe: What? It's a charity event.
Lucifer: Ah, charity is the perfect way for criminals to launder their images. Donate a thousand dollars to distract from the million you just filched.
Lucifer: Vatican investigator? Sounds like a soon-to-be-canceled TV show.
Amenadiel: What's going on here?
Lucifer: Uh, well, Brother, when a man and a woman really care about each other, they do a special cuddle for the cameras, which they sell for money.
Amenadiel: Luci, I know what porn is.
Assistant: Debbie did get into a rather ugly fight with the parents of a child who'd been denied admission. It got vicious.
Lucifer: Ooh. Fisticuffs? Beat-down at the bike sheds after the final bell?
Assistant: No, verbally vicious.
Lucifer: Ah, terrible grammar.
- I am! I'm here!
- Who cares about fate?
[Sighs] Rory.
Lucifer: Try not to gloat.
- I'm sure she'll be just as happy that she was wrong.
- Guess who's here?
Lucifer: What are you doing, Detective?
Chloe: Sending him an e-mail.
Dan: What?
Lucifer: [Reads over Chloe's shoulder] "You pathetic sad sack. No wonder you didn't get tenure. Your experiments are as ugly as you are." Well said, Detective.
Dan: Seriously? Insulting a serial killer?
[Sarcastic]
Dan: That's an awesome idea.
Lucifer: Thank you.
[Turns back to Chloe]
Lucifer: Also, his mask is a bit lame. Could've been much creepier. Put that in.
Mazikeen: Did you know that Linda and Amenadiel are a thing?
Lucifer: Linda and Amenadiel are doing what now? How'd you know?
Mazikeen: Well, I saw them in her office. "Talking." They were clearly about to bone.
Lucifer: Right, you do realize that talking in her office is *literally* Linda's job?
Trixie: This dagger. Has it ever killed anyone?
Lucifer: Not yet, no.
Trixie: [Holds up handcuffs] Do these work?
Lucifer: Uh... that depends on who you're asking.
Chloe: [to Dan] If you're upset about what the lieutenant said, you're not alone. He's not a fan of mine, either. And I still can't believe he called me "Lucifer's partner."
Lucifer: You are my partner!
Linda: [about Amenadiel] if what you say is true...
Lucifer: What? That he's got a stick so far up his ass you can see it when he yawns?
Linda: That he's a fallen angel.
Lucifer: Oh, yes, that, too.
Lucifer: Look, it's not about me. What happens now - that's up to you.
Lucifer: I am here because I'm the King of Hell. This is my job. This is my duty.
Lee: Now who's making excuses?
Lucifer: You curtail the free will of these rebellious souls by making them follow your rules, and then you trick them into thinking they've changed by giving them wings? A most vile manipulation. And completely unoriginal, I might add.
Axara: if I hid under a rock every time there was an issue, I'd still be doing bar mitzvahs.
Lucifer: Also, you'd be under a rock. Most unpleasant.
Lucifer: I hear this case involves a band, so, lucky for you I bring my much-needed musical expertise.
Candy: [to Chloe] Did you know he plays piano? Like, better than Elton Tom.
Lucifer: Quite a unique fellow, aren't you?
William: Mm.
Lucifer: There's a word to describe you, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's like a shower, but French. Oh, I'm sure it'll come to me.
Lucifer: I was promised a gang war. Instead I get a cry baby. This is boring.
Lucifer: You don't have to do this, Vincent.
Vincent: Oh, I... I don't have to, but I want to.
Lucifer: if you could just de-enlighten me, that'd be lovely, thank you.
Linda: I find that people make Los Angeles their home for one of two reasons. Either they're running from something, or looking for something.
Lucifer: Oh, and which one are you?
Linda: I'm not the one on the couch, Lucifer.
Lucifer: I don't understand why she won't help me.
Linda: May I remind you that you did break her trust and kidnap a man while working on a case together.
Lucifer: Well, technically, we kidnapped each other.
Chloe: Are you saying you don't believe in Lucifer?
Onyx: Look, mate, the devil ain't gonna buy me an Aston Martin.
Lucifer: Well, not with that attitude, he won't.
Lucifer: I hate to break it to you, Cain, but there's only room for one immortal in the detective's life, and that position's already been filled.
Chloe: Who leaves their door open in la?
Lucifer: No one. Lock's broken.
- I'm okay.
Lucifer: Right.
- Well, I'd stay for the family reunion, but it's giving me terrible ibs.
- So, look forward to seeing you soon, Chloe.
- I don't.
- Bye, now.
- Glad you're not dead.
Chloe: Where were you last night, Helena?
Helena: I was on fresh meat patrol.
Lucifer: Ooh, good for you, Helena.
Chloe: No, it means training a new crew.
Reese: I saw his real face. If you see it, then you'll know.
Linda: I have seen it. And I know. I know how unsettling it can be.
Lucifer: Yes. And if you're this unsettled by me, I'd hate to see what you're gonna do to the scoundrel who's been sleeping with your wife.
Lucifer: Star Trek? Please, Miss Lopez knows more about that stuff than you ever could.
Ella: [SPEAKING KLINGON]
Lucifer: See? She even speaks Chewbacca.
Chloe: I'm not afraid of you anymore.
Lucifer: You're not?
Dromos: You see, this is what I'm talking about. It's so sweet, I'm gonna puke.
Belinda: [Tracking rattlesnakes] Do you know how long I have been waiting for copulation?
Lucifer: You and me both.
Belinda: Clearly, you're not aware of how rare sound recordings of rattlesnake sex are?
Lucifer: Well, it's not my strong suit, no.
Joel: We wanted to show the world that you-you can't just leave people.
Lucifer: [Grabs him by the neck] You don't get to decide who someone wants to be with.
[Lets go]
Lucifer: And neither do I.
Joel: Does this mean you're-you're not, you're not gonna...
[Lucifer punches him in the face]
Linda: No, it can't be.
Lucifer: Why not? And please don't say "because."
Linda: Because!
Chloe: After it became a family show... the micropenis got removed.
Lucifer: Did anyone even notice?
[Chuckles]
Penelope: I played this role before, 16 years ago.
Lucifer: Well, maybe it's like butt stuff. Easier the second time around.
Lucifer: Those are the personal notes from the actor who played Diablo. He had a fascinating insight into the character. Some wild theories about self-loathing, but we can't get it all right.
Chloe: This isn't gonna work.
Lucifer: I agree. A gingham pocket square can be a bit aggressive, but I'm feeling it.
Ella: Glitter's just an occupational hazard for Madison.
Lucifer: Oh, no, she was a stripper.
Ella: No, elementary school teacher.
Lucifer: I can reveal the truth about the Supreme Being you've chosen to impersonate. I bet you wanted to be God because He's benevolent, all-powerful, yada yada. But in actual fact, He's a dick.
Lucifer: What in Dad's name are you doing?
Chloe: I can let my guard down with you. I don't do that with anyone else. You make me vulnerable. And... maybe that's okay.
Lucifer: Detective... if it's any consolation to your pride... it appears you make me vulnerable, too.
Chloe: [Referring to the victim] Okay, Ella, what do we have?
Ella: BlueBallz.
Lucifer: You, too?
Ella: No. Blue Ballz, with a "Z".
Lucifer: Sometimes the people closest to you can turn on you. Wouldn't you agree, Detective?
Chloe: Maybe,
Lucifer: Angel or creeper, brother. It's a fine line.
Chloe: Have you ever considered donating any of your vast fortune to charity?
Lucifer: I've put many a nubile law student through college, thank you very much, several of which were named Charity, so...
Lucifer: I had the perfect title for The Plunge 2. 2 Deep 2 Plunge. With the number two, each time,
Lucifer: Instead of... the word.
Lucifer: She flew to Florence last week just 'cause she fancied eating some gelato.
Chloe: She went on a plane to get ice cream?
Lucifer: Well, when you say it in English, it sounds silly.
Emma: I'm not proud of what happened. But I was upset. I just found out Robbie was cheating on me.
Lucifer: Well, completely understandable. I mean, what else are you supposed to do when some parasite inserts himself into your relationship?
[Glares at Pierce]
Lucifer: What do you think you're doing?
Charlotte: I'm taking your lead, son. Learning about your beloved humanity.
Lucifer: By dancing at my club?
Charlotte: Well, I saw all the people on the tables smiling and I wanted to discover what they were so happy about.
Lucifer: Oh, is it possible it's the money that I pay them?
Lucifer: If you killed her, I swear to Dad...
Lucifer: [to Pierce] Brothers. Am I right? I mean, you get it. You killed yours.
Chloe: I mean, the way she talked about your dad and- and what he put her through.
Lucifer: Mm-hmm. Betrayal, torture, Hell, et cetera. All true.
Chloe: Mm-hmm. I just cannot imagine raising kids with someone like that.
Lucifer: Sympathy for the goddess, detective?
Ella: I think the Devil gets a bad rap
Lucifer: [Perks up] Oh! You do, do you?
Ella: Sure. I mean, what did he really do that was so bad? What, rebel against his dad? Ask some naked lady if she wanted an apple?
Lucifer: Be still my heart. Do go on.
Ella: I suppose he does run Hell. That's not so great, you know, with the torture and eternal damnation.
Lucifer: I'm retired. And besides, I didn't create Hell. I just worked there.
Lucifer: Right, I'm clearly needed on the front lines. You just stay here and do what you do best.
[enunciating]
Lucifer: Nada.
Marcus: I had a gut feeling about this case. I wanted to see if I was right.
Lucifer: As much as we appreciate your digestive feelings...
Reese: This is all your fault. You ruined my life. You drove me to do things I never would've done. And now... there's a dead girl down there because of you.
Lucifer: What is it with you humans? Huh? Always blaming me. I never make any of you do anything.
Lucifer: Detective Douche... Daniel. Dan. Why don't you put down the knife, hmm? Bury the proverbial hatchet and all that? I mean, I know we've had our differences in the past, but we're friends now, right?
Dan: You ruined my marriage.
Lucifer: I'll take that as a no.
Lucifer: The plan is simple. I'm going to try to understand why the detective would want to marry that overstuffed man ham, and then make her see she's deranged.
Chloe: Lll, we can't just leave.
Lucifer: Oh, yeah? Watch my cartoon keister do just that. And not the one on my bloody chin.
Lucifer: If I cut you exactly in half, would there be two Pierces?
Marcus: No. Only one side would heal. You see, I call it the, the "master molecule" theory...
Lucifer: Yes, yes, Wolverine rules. I get it.
Lucifer: I know that you'll always protect me. No matter how mortal I become, the Devil can depend on that.
Mazikeen: Yes, you can. Whatever the danger, I'll be there to stop it. Whether you see it coming or not.
Lucifer: That's my Maze.
Lucifer: Oh, my Dad.
Lucifer: He broke my Maze.
Lucifer: [Catching Dromos trying to feed Charlie tainted milk] Surely you've heard, breast is best.
Chloe: Finally, some rain. Maybe someone up there is looking out for us.
Lucifer: I can assure you, he's in no way meteorologically inclined. Apart from the whole Noah thing, and that was a one-off.
Marcus: Well done, Lucifer. Way to be a good influence.
Lucifer: How dare you say that!
Chloe: What are you doing here?
Lucifer: I'm here because I could really use your expertise. You're not busy, are you?
Chloe: Actually, shocker, I am busy. And it's really not a good day for... your... Luciferness.
Dromos: What's so great about Earth anyway?
Lucifer: Well, no offense, but the company's far greater, the work more interesting, and the liquor far superior.
[Takes a drink]
Lucifer: Mm! And I've just become an uncle and someone needs to teach my nephew about sex, 'cause, well, my brother's certainly not capable.
- Or clever detectives from learning about said espionage.
- I'm not saying anything more without my lawyer.
Lucifer: Ah, wonderful.
- Well, if he works for yates, that means his lawyer is
- Charlotte Richards, right?
- j'j'
Dan: So the band was right, the ex-wife was violent.
- Look at these.
- She was arrested for domestic abuse two years ago.
- I mean, charges were dropped, but...
Lucifer: Detective!
Lucifer: [about Lenore, the wife of a former mobster] Or she found out the truth about the man she loved and it drove her away. What do you think she would have felt in that moment? Horror? Disgust? Mild arousal?
Lucifer: If I kill a human, then I lose my wings! And, because I've been such a naughty angel, I get my devil face back, and... bonus!... I rid humanity of our sightless psychopath. Three birds, one Sinnerman.
Chloe: You should probably head home, Lucifer. 'Cause no victim, no case.
Lucifer: Oh, very well. I supposed there'll be another murder tomorrow. Fingers crossed.
- Well, slightly better than good.
Lucifer: But I meant as a person, Linda.
- I hope you know that you truly are one of the most wonderful friends that the devil could ever have.
- I do now, Lucifer.
Ella: Well, you do you.
Lucifer: Oh, I always do.
Courtney: The band, they thought I was uncool, but it was Ash, he was the selfish, childish one.
Chloe: I completely understand. I was with an immature partner, and it was maddening.
Courtney: It's crazy-making.
Chloe: Yeah, wanted to kill him.
Courtney: I didn't say that...
Lucifer: [Watching the interrogation] Ouch. Shade. I wouldn't take it too personally.
[Gives Dan a pat]
Dan: Yeah, right.
[Rolls eyes]
Ella: Check it out, petechial hemorrhaging, ribboned skin, ocular discharge.
Lucifer: [Chuckles, Chloe gives him a look] Sorry. She said "discharge". It gets me every time.
Eve: I killed him... and-and-and then, I... kind of, sort of summoned a demon from Hell into his body?
Lucifer: What?
Eve: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Charlotte: Your brother is the Lightbringer, Amenadiel. He just needs to apply himself and get angry.
Lucifer: Well, I can't just get ang...
[Amenadiel ouches him in the face]
Lucifer: Aah! Bloody hell!
Amenadiel: Well, it was worth a shot.
Lucifer: Right. Maybe Amenadiel should try it. Here, why don't you hold it, and I'll kick you in the...
[Aims for his groin]
Charlotte: Boys!
Chloe: You were right about the implants. They were pulled from the market years ago for rupturing.
Lucifer: Aaah. A moment of silence for those poor, mishandled breasts.
Lucifer: The way to hell really is paved with bad acne-prone intentions.
Lucifer: Isn't that the point of these programs, Detective? To show there's no such thing as stereotypes?
Chloe: Yeah.
Lucifer: That in real life a Mary Ann might be hiding inside the body of a Ginger, or vice versa, which is my personal preference, actually.
- but turns out, it's just my old life.
- And I'm... not sure if I want to go back there.
- Hey, but Dan's probably still into it, though.
- Hmm.
Lucifer: Thanks so much for dinner, bye.
Anya: Bye, have a good one.
Chloe: [about the Sinnerman] You saw him? What does he look like?
Lucifer: Black fellow, early 40s, though he dresses like an old man. Would you believe he wore a sweater vest? His greatest crime yet.
Lucifer: I knew TV writing isn't all hookers and blow like the 80' s, but I had no idea how sad it had got.
Amenadiel: You've spent more time with humanity, you may understand them better than I do.
Lucifer: Well, most of that time, I was naked, but true nonetheless.
Lucifer: What do they say? Laugh like no one's listening? Dance like you're standing on the corpses of your enemies?
Amenadiel: I've made a decision about my son. And even though in my heart, I... I believe it's right, I know it's gonna be painful.
Lucifer: Oh. Right, that. Well, 79 percent of American boys are circumcised, so you'll be in the majority if you go that way; however, it does reduce sensation by about 32.8 percent, according to Dr. Oz.
Azrael: Remember when we used to prank Amenadiel? Please tell me he still has that hilarious angry face.
Lucifer: Still angry. Still hilarious.
Caleb: I was thinking about quitting YEA altogether.
Lucifer: You were going to break up with the entire club. How does one specifically say nay to YEA?
Lucifer: [about Charlotte] I'll never get to see her again.
Chloe: I know. I still can't believe it.
Lucifer: Well, at least you'll get to see her, Detective. Eventually. In heaven. But I, well, she's gone somewhere I simply can't follow.
Lucifer: Don't think I haven't noticed you watching me. I know what this is about.
Reese: You do?
Lucifer: Yes. And the answer is no, I will not sleep with you.
Ella: Barry here died from a sniper hit.
Lucifer: Ah, it's definitely not Maze's style. She prefers her violence up close and personal, believe me.
Amenadiel: We need the most love when we're being most unlovable.
Lucifer: No offense, Brother, but I don't need love from you. I get plenty from naked strangers.
John: Always a pleasure to see you, Lucy. It's time.
Lucifer: Excuse me, ladies. Seems like you're not only ones who wants a piece of me. See you later. Johnny. I'd like to say it's a pleasure to see on you my Earth outside my club. It's not.
[to Mia]
Lucifer: Hello. Don't believe we've met. Lucifer Morningstar.
Mia: Lucifer Morningstar, as in...
Lucifer: The devil. Yes, exactly. So tell me. What is it you desire?
Mia: I... I, uh... I desire to get my father back.
Lucifer: Daddy issues. Why didn't you say so?
John: Look, we don't know if you have an Oliver Queen on your world, but ours has, uh, shuffled off his mortal coil.
Lucifer: A soul retrieval, blah, blah, blah, the worlds are ending. It's all very Biblical, John. Okay, okay. I'm only doing this 'cause I only owe you for Maz.
John: Yeah, you do.
Lucifer: [to Diggle] You remind me of my brother, by the way - tall, dark, annoyed by me.
John: You gonna help us our not?
Lucifer: Oh, flirt. The devil always sees through on a deal. Take this card. You have a limited time once inside Purgatory, and once the picture complete fades...
John: Our souls will be decimated, blah, blah, blah.
Lucifer: And trapped in eternity forever, so I don't recommend it. Consider us even, John Constan-tine.
John: [chuckles] Constantine.
Lucifer: Is it? I don't care. Always a pleasure doing business with mortals.
Lucifer: Oh, phones... They can be so distracting.
Lucifer: Oh, I think I understand.
Linda: Probably not.
Lucifer: [Looking at his burnt arm and scoffs] The Devil gets burned by fire. Could this be any more ironic?
[Decker chuckles at the statement]
Lucifer: Ah. Does my pain amuse you, Detective?
Chloe: A little bit.
Lucifer: This is your lucky day.
Lee: It doesn't really seem like it.
Chloe: You smoked evidence?
Lucifer: Well, it would have gone to waste otherwise.
Lucifer: [about Beckett] Yeah, she just ran off to get us a couple of churro...
[Looks over, she has disappeared]
Lucifer: Oh...
Dan: [laughs] In your face. She read you like a book. All day long you're making fun of me for getting duped by a kid and you lost her, too.
[Realization hits]
Dan: You lost her. Oh, that's bad. This is really bad.
Chloe: Maybe I'm tired of playing a cop in the movies, you know? Maybe... Maybe I'd like to play detective for real.
Lucifer: What? Hang up the glitz and the glamour for a badge and a naked man with a harpoon?
Lucifer: And then there's potential reason number 55 the detective would accept Pierce's proposal: drugs. EUI... Engaged Under the Influence.
Axara: So you're gonna be my bodyguard? Are you even a real cop?
Lucifer: Consultant, actually.
- Something's wrong with you, buddy.
Lucifer: Maybe not the best time to push that particular button.
- Yeah?
- If she's anything like my ex,
- I say let her die.
Lucifer: Okay, you've all been chosen to help with a very special mission called "Operation: Help Lucifer Escape from the Hospital".
God: Mm, it's a little on the nose, son.
Lucifer: You are literally the judgiest person in the universe.
- If that's the case, then why is he selling this?
Lucifer: Holy guacamole.
- He was lying to us. It's theirs.
- Hide one truth, you're probably hiding something else.
- Well, I wonder what that something else is.
- Looks like we have some hippies to find.
Lucifer: So Jana's killer had it in for this poor chap as well, did they?
Chloe: On the upside, looks like he didn't have anything to do with this case after all. Pretty sure you didn't sleep with this guy.
Lucifer: Uh, actually, you're wrong about that, Detective.
[Sadly]
Lucifer: Raj. So fit.
Lucifer: What is it you normally do?
Mr. Taylor: Uh, I'm the movement and wellness mentor.
Lucifer: So you're the P.E. teacher. Lovely.
Trixie: Parents, they're a mystery.
Lucifer: Well, I'll give you that.
Lucifer: No, no, much as I'd like to see *Crouching Tiger, Hidden Douche*, I'd like to win this. I was pointing at Maze.
Lucifer: Finally, Maze, answers will be mine.
Mazikeen: Right.
Lucifer: If you could say that with less sarcasm, I'd appreciate it.
Mazikeen: No, no, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure a human jail will stop a soldier of God.
Lucifer: That's actually *more* sarcasm.
Marcus: So you can take the girl out of the ecstasy biz, but you can't take the ecstasy biz out of the girl.
Lucifer: Well, actually, it's not ecstasy. It's more sort of a home-brew Adderall. It's very smooth.
[sniffles]
Marcus: [to Chloe] Did your partner just admit to snorting evidence?
Lucifer: The only thing I admit to is being very focused on this case.
Linda: Let's start thinking about Rory, and how she's feeling.
Lucifer: Odd. That's what Maze said.
Linda: That is odd
Lucifer: Lucifer reaches to touch crotch
Chloe: DONT touch the charred crotch walks away mumbling never thought i would every had to say that without looking shouts DONT
Ella: Ixnay on the ot-nay andy-cay.
Lucifer: Sorry, is that German? 'Cause if it is, it's absolutely awful. Trust me, I should know. Hitler was a talker. Well, screamer, actually.
Linda: It's easy to let external factors... define us. Especially the traumatic ones. But only if we let them.
Lucifer: [Sudden epiphany] We all have itchy butts.
Emily: [Walking in on Max talking with Chloe and Jessica] What's going on here? Max, I thought it was gonna be just us. I'm not really down for a four-way.
Lucifer: [Enters] Make that five. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm not down, either.
Lucifer: Candy's not a killer.
Ella: No, just a thieving con woman. You knew her one week.
Lucifer: TWO weeks.
Chloe: If she didn't blackmail you, then who did?
Myles: Beats me.
Lucifer: Right. Well, you better not be pulling our legs.
[laughs]
Chloe: Did you notice anything strange in the last few days? Any unusual behavior?
Timmy: Like what?
Lucifer: Like someone carrying a small apothecary bottle marked with a skull and crossbones perhaps?
Lucifer: Stop hitting me.
Mazikeen: Then explain.
Lucifer: Well, I'd like to, but you have a tendency to get emotional about things.
[She punches him in the face again]
Lucifer: Aah! Case in point.
Lucifer: Okay, Detective, this next part will be much easier if you're not here, so I'm gonna politely ask you to leave, okay?
Chloe: I'm not going anywhere.
Amenadiel: Oh, come on, Luci. There must be hundreds of porn stars in Hell.
Lucifer: Sadly, no, on account of all the good work they do here on Earth, I assume.
Lucifer: There are only two reasons to drink alone, brother. Either you're a chronic dullard, or you're trying to avoid your problems. If it's the latter, I approve.
Amenadiel: My problems are your problems.
- ♪ I don't believe that anybody I
- ♪ feels the way I do I
Lucifer: Well, I'll be damned.
- ♪ backbeat, the word was on the street I
- ♪ that the fire in your heart is out I
- ♪ and I'm sure you've heard it all before I
Lucifer: Back your mysterious ways already?
God: All part of My plan.
Judge: Who the hell do you think you are?
Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar, Your Honor. My apologies. I had no idea I was dealing with a man of such stature. In my defense, when we came in last night, I was blindfolded by your wife's underwear.
Blindfolded: [Trying to hit piñata, falls into Lucifer] Whoops! It's so hard.
Lucifer: Yes, always, but why don't I help you with your stick first?
Lucifer: You may have crossed paths with God, but you certainly never made a deal with the devil now, did you?
Linda: Sounds like there's a lot of blame to go around.
Lucifer: Yes.
Linda: Is there anyone you might be leaving out?
Lucifer: Anyone I'm leaving out. Um... Oh, you're right. Yes.
[Dr. Martin looks hopeful]
Lucifer: If you'd fixed my existential problem earlier, none of this would have happened. Well, good on you for taking responsibility, Doctor. It's very noble.
[She sighs]
Lucifer: First, Dad puts the detective here, and now you're trying to manipulate me with Ms. Lopez. Why does everyone think I need help meeting women?
Lucifer: Look, I know you two are useless when it comes to women. But Daniel, you surely should have some sort of self-help mumbo jumbo advice for me.
Dan: You want my advice?
Lucifer: Sadly, yes.
Lucifer: Here's something I can do that other people, rhymes with Shmierce, cannot.
Lucifer: Oh, you're right. No time for a quick drink, then.
Chloe: We're on duty.
Lucifer: You are the oldest young person I've ever met! And coming from an immortal, that's saying something.
Eve: Found a way out of heaven.
Lucifer: I didn't think that was possible. For humans.
Eve: What can I say? I've always been a bit of a rule breaker.
Chloe: Well, I thought that maybe this could be our new normal. If you like.
Lucifer: What, you work and I drink? What's not to like about that?
- and voila.
Lucifer: Why would he have any desire to blackmail his own star client, a client he's all about protecting?
- Ty's agent told you that Debra killed Ali.
- He did, yeah.
Lucifer: Daniel. Your head is mostly empty.
Dan: [Distracted] Huh?
Lucifer: Exactly.
Kevin: I never saw him myself. Uh, but I saw his car. He has a-an awful '92 Geo Metro in-in Polynesian green.
Lucifer: Ugh.
Kevin: Right?
Lexy: She was also the SAT prep administrator, so helped me get into my first choice. It was Harvard.
Lucifer: What advice would Miss Baez give to, say, a student in a relationship who, I don't know, needed to break up with someone?
Lexy: Oh, well, I wouldn't know. My boyfriend and I are super-solid. We'll probably get married. After we both finish college. At Harvard.
Chloe: Is it true you're the head of the Ferrante mob family?
Lucifer: Well, come on. Answer her.
Charlotte: [Defense lawyer instincts kick in] You do not need to answer that.
Frankie: I don't?
Charlotte: [Backtracks] ... But it would be helpful if you did.
Lucifer: Right. Enough of this "bad cop, worse cop."
Mazikeen: Too bad your little protege isn't around to collect the check.
Chloe: [watching a news report that Delilah's record sales have soared, something in her mind clicks] Oh, wow.
Lucifer: What?
Chloe: Delilah didn't give that watch to the drug dealer.
Scotty: My nerd squad. We're developing a virtual reality game where the user gets to be a serial killer.
Lucifer: Humans. Honestly.
[about the dead security guard]
Lucifer: Getting murdered is probably the most exciting thing that ever happened to him.
Lucifer: Are you sure the detective is your mother? Could she be from somewhere else? Does she have any special powers? What about any markings? Scars, on her back perhaps? There's some chocolate cake in it for you.
Trixie: I want cash.
Lucifer: It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Sinnerman: Likewise.
Lucifer: Always gratifying to find out that one's nemesis is altogether lacking in style.
Lucifer: I think for the sake of the detective, I'm going to take a time-out from my Dans-formation.
Lucifer: I suppose that what I call "powerless" is what everyone else calls a Tuesday.
Lucifer: [undercover with Pierce as a gay couple] Plastic plates? What are we, barbarians? Don't you have any china in there?
Michael: Guess what? When your twin is the Lightbringer, turns out you have no choice but to live in the shadows.
Chloe: [holding axe to Lucifer] If I pushed this into your chest... it would kill you?
Lucifer: Yes.
Chloe: Because I'm close to you?
Lucifer: Yes.
Chloe: But you jumped in front of it anyway?
Lucifer: Yes. And I would do it again. And again. Don't you know that, Detective?
Amenadiel: Michael's become... untouchable in the Silver City.
Lucifer: Well, he's not in the Silver City now, is he? So excuse me while I go touch him.
[Starts to leave, turns back]
Lucifer: I can see how that's a poor choice of words.
Chloe: I know how fans can get obsessed with their idols.
Lucifer: Yes, and... with their boobs. Like after you did Hot Tub High School, Detective.
Linda: I think people come here to reinvent themselves, and that's why I think you're here. To reinvent yourself.
Lucifer: Why would I mess with perfection?
Paddy: Warmed them up for you, Mr. Stompanato.
Tommy: Thanks, boys.
Trixie: [Interrupts the story] Wait, hold it!
Lucifer: Oh, for crying out loud.
Trixie: I thought you said Mr. Stompanato. "Mr." is a man.
Lucifer: Did you or did you not request a gender-balanced narrative? I'm simply following your instructions.
Lucifer: You need to take the detective out and have fun. Three drinks should do the trick.
Mazikeen: Sucker's bet. Easy.
Lucifer: Yes, but you're not allowed to tie her up and pour booze down her throat.
Mazikeen: ...Less easy.
- You see? Never easy.
- You have a futon, right?
Lucifer: There he is.
Traffic: You know why I pulled you over?
Lucifer: Well, obviously, you felt the need to exercise your limited powers and punish me for ignoring the speed limit. It's okay. I understand. I-I like to punish people, too. Or at least I used to.
Lucifer: [after re-arranging Chloe's desk] I'm particularly proud of the new filing system, complete with a "Sexy Victims" pile, "Obvious Killers" pile. And "Boring Crimes" pile, to be ignored, of course.
Lucifer: Do we get to kick in the door? As your self-sacrificing partner, I volunteer to go first.
Chloe: No, there'll be no kicking in of anything, unless we have a warrant, or people are in immediate danger. You better start taking this case seriously.
Lucifer: Bend the knee, brother.
Lucifer: You came down here to tell me this why? Just to torture me?
[sighs]
Lucifer: I suppose this is the appropriate place for it.
Marcus: It's now time for Plan "C."
Lucifer: I didn't realize we had one.
Marcus: We don't. But we'll think of something.
Eve: The Mayan! That's it!
Chloe: Okay, it's a venue. Rents to concerts, and also, I think, church groups.
Lucifer: Sex, drugs, rock and roll and my dad. That sounds like the oxymoronic venue we're after.
Chloe: For having this not be your business, you're certainly talking to a lot of people about it.
Lucifer: I know. I just wish people would stop prying
Donovan: [Lucifer is raiding the bar at Lux] Mr. Morningstar. We're going to need those.
Lucifer: Not as much as I do.
Lucifer: What is that sound?
Linda: Oh. My boobs. I'm pumping. Wearable breast pumps. Best invention since the epidural.
Jay: I'll get my act together, I promise.
Lucifer: No need to promise, Jay Lopez. Because I'll be watching you, and if you ever disappoint her again... I'll come for you.
Lucifer: Go. Release your inner Devil.
Amenadiel: But what should I do first?
Lucifer: Oh, I don't know. Get laid.
Mazikeen: What the hell am I, Lucifer... A pawn in some plan of yours?
Lucifer: No, I wouldn't put it like that.
Mazikeen: Of course you wouldn't, because that would actually require you understanding how you affect people. How you hurt them.
[She hits him in the nuts]
Lucifer: Oh! Aah! You seem to be the one doing the hurting at the moment.
Chloe: We've been trying to find a connection between the two, and so far all we have is you.
Lucifer: Well, I wish I could help you.
Chloe: What, you didn't get details between the sweet nothings?
Lucifer: Quite a few, actually. But they were mostly about what he desired, which I doubt you want to hear.
Lucifer: I sympathize with what Daniel's going through, but I refuse to be a scapegoat for which something I bear no responsibility. It's a theme in my life.
Lucifer: Ah. I know that look. Either there are new sandwiches in the vending machine, or you have a lead.
Lucifer: It's not a secret if I'm telling you the answer!
Lucifer: Desire is the ultimate expression of free will. I help people do whatever... or whomever... they want.
Lucifer: [Lucifer's answering machine] Hello. This is Lucifer. You know what to do... preferably in the nude.
Lucifer: What do you want from me?
Amenadiel: I've been watching you, Lucifer.
Lucifer: You perv.
Amenadiel: And I'm not sure I like what I see. You're showing restraint, mercy.
Lucifer: You're scared I'm turning my back on the dark side, bro?
Amenadiel: Lucifer, there is a balance here that we must maintain. I strongly suggest you do what I told you to do and go back to Hell.
Lucifer: Don't threaten me, Amenadiel. I mean, you don't want to start a war.
Amenadiel: I would love a war.
Lucifer: Hawaiian print? The eighth deadly sin.
Lucifer: You know I don't lie, Detective.
Chloe: But you also don't tell the whole truth.
Lucifer: The guru with the doo-doo juju has been picked up.
Reese: I just want Linda to love me.
Lucifer: You're still in love with your ex? What about your wife?
Reese: She *is* my wife.
Assistant: No phones on campus, please. Sends a message that our arms aren't actually available to our children
Lucifer: Right.
[Turns to Chloe]
Lucifer: Detective, this school is weird, and, yes, this case is boring.
Dan: if Maze did this, would any of you really be shocked?
[They all speak at the same time]
Chloe: Yeah.
Lucifer: No, not at all.
Ella: I would. There's no way.
Lucifer: Charlotte, where are you going?
Charlotte: To join the Peace Corps, donate my entire savings to an orphanage, or build a shelter for blind, one-legged puppies.
Lucifer: Well, as long as you're not being over-dramatic.
Chloe: [Murder victim is surrounded by breast implants] What are all these?
Lucifer: These are boobs. Yes, I'd know them anywhere. C-cups to be precise. Oh, look at these.
[Picks some up and starts juggling]
Chloe: Please don't... juggle the evidence, Lucifer.
[Looks at Reese]
Chloe: But it's fine if he does, 'cause, you know, they've already been processed.
Lucifer: They're called "fun bags" for a reason!
Lucifer: Hey, I should get my own desk.
Chloe: Not happening.
Linda: I'm going to give you 60 seconds then re-surge your heart.
Lucifer: Sixty seconds? I've had orgasms that last longer.
Lucifer: Consider the suspect well and truly pumped.
Chloe: [Looks at her dad] F-F-For information. Uh-huh. He means pumped for information.
[Turns to Lucifer]
Chloe: What happened to doing your hypno-eye thing? With the eyes.
Lucifer: Oh. That's what you meant.
Chloe: Yes.
Lucifer: Oh, no, we went at it like little bunnies. Next time you should be more specific.
Lucifer: Family. Can't live with them, no longer have the tools to banish them to an alternate universe.
Lucifer: How did you move on from the detective when I showed up and replaced you?
[pause]
Lucifer: And please, don't say improv.
Dan: You didn't replace me.
Lucifer: Well, true, true. I suppose that would imply we're on the same level.
Dan: [Lucifer is dressed exactly like him] Oh, man, what the hell? Are you here to work, or are you here to play games?
Lucifer: I'll have you know I take the School of Dan quite seriously, even if it does involve skinny-fit jeans.
Lucifer: I'm trying to recreate their first date.
Linda: You're... What? Wait. You're trying to Parent Trap God and the Divine Goddess?
Lucifer: What? It worked in the movie.
Chloe: How do we find three demons and a baby?
[a passing cop gives them a look]
Lucifer: Three Demons and a Baby. That's one of my favorite movies.
[both chuckle awkwardly]
Lucifer: Not as good as the original, though.
Lucifer: Isn't that ironic? You want your wings back and didn't get them, and I...
[Stops himself from admitting the truth]
Lucifer: ... Get whacked over the head and hauled out to the desert.
Amenadiel: That's not ironic.
Lucifer: Well, not "ironic" ironic. More... Alanis Morissette ironic.
Lucifer: [after Chloe Decker takes Lucifer's joint and stamps on it] No, it's puff, puff, pass, not puff, puff, stomp angrily!
Reese: She cares for you. How'd you do that? How did you convince her that the Devil, of all people, was good?
Lucifer: I don't know. I just... showed her my true self.
Reese: But how could she accept you after that?
Lucifer: Well, maybe she did because of that.
Lucifer: It seems you're a bit of a two-pump chump.
Lucifer: Have a candy, Candy.
Lucifer: [Walking in on a suspect watching porn] LAPD. Show us what's in your hands.
Chloe: No, raise your hands above your head where we can see them.
Lucifer: Well, it might be a gun, Detective.
Chloe: [Trying not to look] It's not a gun.
Lucifer: Based on the security around that doorway over there, and the fact I've been here many times before, that is an illegal gambling den.
Lucifer: I don't believe I've seen you since...
Lilith: Marie Antoinette's coming-out party.
Lucifer: And come out she did. Shame what happened to her.
Linda: [as God sits with her] I'd like to thank God for... I missed you being up there. Thank you, God, for this food and the company. And... oceans. And napkins. And shoes. And light. And...
Lucifer: That about covers it, doctor. Amen.
Lucifer: Well, maybe our poor killer's just Chaetophobic.
[Gets looks]
Lucifer: Fear of hair. Always fun when they turn up in Hell. Lots of wigs involved.
Lucifer: You have a light inside of you that brightens the world, and a smile so infectious that it captures the heart of anyone lucky enough to see it.
Reese: You know now. And you're still seeing him?
Linda: Only professionally, Reese,
Lucifer: Much to my disappointment.
Lucifer: So what if Amenadiel is playing doctor with the doctor? So our old flames are having a fling. I don't care. Why should you?
Chloe: Derby Divas versus the Blazing Banshees. It's derby's most notorious rivalry.
Lucifer: Oh, ladies to go. I'll take two.
Chloe: [Watching the skaters] Whoa! Nice sausage.
Lucifer: What? So, those aren't ladies?
Dr. Chan Ahn: [Looking at a bad drawing of Lucifer's wings] You have moles that large on your back? You need to get them checked out, have them removed.
Lucifer: But I tried removing them in the past, but the stubborn buggers always seem to grow back. I just need you to dress them up a smidge. Maybe you could... attach some white feathers or tattoo them. Something cheery, flowers, maybe.
Lucifer: Oh, maybe Dan could do with a vacation. Who do I know in one of those countries where they hunt American tourists for sport?
Chloe: Is there anything I need to know about how to fight a demon?
Lucifer: Not really. Just that they are super strong, scary and mean. Like Maze.
Lucifer: Once upon a time, there were two brothers... Cain and Abel. They fought, as brothers often do, over everything.
[Points to drawings of stick figures on a whiteboard]
Marcus: What's that supposed to be? Are we shaking hands or holding spiders?
Lucifer: That's you and your brother pummeling each other over a pet rock. And here's you two scamps tugging on both ends of a snake.
Marcus: That's not how it happened.
Lucifer: Well, artistic license, my friend.
Lucifer: You have experience with emotionally fragile men, don't you?
Chloe: You're self-aware today.
Lucifer: No, I meant Dan.
Lucifer: I love the mentally ill. I mean, who isn't amused by someone who thinks they're Elvis or Napoleon or Wesley Snipes?
Chloe: Who found the body?
Dan: God.
Lucifer: Ah! See?
Lucifer: It's me. It's Lucifer.
Chloe: Do you expect me to fall for that again?
Lucifer: But... Look at the hair... or the perfectly arranged pocket square. Could Michael pull this off? I don't think so.
Devin: [Outside a gated nudist community] Sorry, but rules are rules. You want to go inside, you got to get naked. Either that or get a warrant.
Chloe: Fine. I'll get a warrant.
[Turns around, sees Lucifer has stripped]
Chloe: Lucifer!
Lucifer: Oh, when in Rome, detective.
Chloe: Please put some clothes on. We are professionals. Ella, see if you can get a warrant from Judge...
[Sees Ella is also naked]
Chloe: Vickers.
Ella: Bucket list?
Lucifer: This is the real way to move forward, Mum. To create a whole new world. Your own world, without Father.
Charlotte: What about you? Amenadiel, my children?
Lucifer: You know that if we go back to Heaven, then there will be a war. And in war... there are always casualties.
Charlotte: The last thing I want is to hurt my children.
Lucifer: I know. So, please... . Let there be light.
Lucifer: [Trying to get Dan to be more like him] This is where I'd make a clever pun about the underdog.
Lucifer: This man clearly has an oversized ego, comparing himself to the likes of Johnny Kane and Dr. Scott. If we threaten that ego, trust me, he'll respond.
Dan: How do you know?
Lucifer: Because I know his type, Daniel. Used to live with him, in fact. Called him Dad.
Amenadiel: [Charlie is crying incessantly] If you're going to stay... You have any ideas how to stop this?
Lucifer: Have you tried whiskey?
Lucifer: Do you have to bring a bounty back alive? Would just the head suffice? 'Cause that is her thing. Maybe we could just super glue him back together on delivery.
Chloe: You are lucky my daughter likes you so much.
Lucifer: Yes, I'm starting to respect the deceptive little parasite.
Jed: In hindsight... that's when the relationship was at its best.
Lucifer: Better without sex? Not relatable.
- Look, it's very difficult to explain, but believe me when I say that there are many, many lives at stake here.
- So, please, just put the gun down, huh?
Lucifer: No!
- N n“
Amenadiel: [about the corvette] Don't you need some sort of key to start it?
Lucifer: You know me, Brother. I can turn anything on.
Mazikeen: We all learned to torture by torturing him.
Marcus: What'd you do to him?
Mazikeen: Well, Abel would be out partying, and then, you'd show up.
[Does a gorilla walk]
Marcus: I don't walk like that.
Mazikeen: Yeah, you do.
Lucifer: Yes, you do.
Lucifer: Tell me, Moira. Did killing your sister make it go away?
Moira: What?
Lucifer: Your self-hatred, of course. If so, do you think if I made a dummy of myself and murdered it, it might work for me?
Lucifer: We're surrounded by ne'er-do-wells, and he thinks the culprit came from the outside. Delusional.
[Looks at group of teens]
Lucifer: Killer's obviously here.
[Points]
Lucifer: Probably him. Shifty eyes.
[Spots red-head]
Lucifer: Or... no, sorry... her. The ginger... She's got that "I like to watch the life drain out of people" look.
Lucifer: Maze! You haven't wished me happy birthday.
Mazikeen: The Devil doesn't have a birthday.
Lucifer: Well, I do now. I burned my wings. I feel reborn.
Lucifer: Doesn't matter whether you're a sinner! Doesn't matter whether you're a saint! Nobody can win, so what's the point? What's the bloody point?
Chloe: You're the devil. But you're also an angel.
Lucifer: I'm not sure that I am an angel anymore.
Chloe: What do you mean?
Lucifer: After I killed Pierce when my devil face returned... I never checked to see if my wings were still there. I still haven't. Afraid that they're gone. For good reason.
Chloe: Well, you know... I think you should look. Maybe you'll be surprised at what you find.
Lucifer: You see, that's just it, Detective. Eve sees me in a different way. But so do you. That's what makes you so... So special. The fact you see me that way. But I don't like how that makes me feel either.
Lucifer: So you're asserting dominance over a woman in order to learn how to stop asserting dominance over women?
Todd: She did tell me about the story itself. How it had a peaceful, grounded ending. No scandals, no insiders versus outcasts. Just... people finally understanding each other. The way she described it, it... it sounded beautiful.
Lucifer: And boring.
Chloe: We found your prints all over that murder weapon.
Ben: [Nervous] You did?
Lucifer: We did?
Chloe: We didn't, but now I know you killed him.
Lucifer: Ah. Nice bit of improvisation there, Ms. Decker. I don't care what the critics say. You do have range.
- Creepy how children do that, isn't it? [Chuckles]
- Anyway, lthought they'd come in handy for Rory, the tiny one inside you, that is.
- Oh, thank you.
- That's, uh, that's very thoughtful.
Lucifer: May I?
- Yeah, come in.
Lucifer: [to Eve's uber driver] Right, get her home safely, alright... Hold on. You're not Rafael with five stars.
Kid: [Pulls out gun] The necklace. Now!
Lucifer: I am canceling this ride.
Chloe: Excuse me, Grace Foley?
Grace: Wha-- why are your clothes still on?
Lucifer: I ask myself that all the time.
Lucifer: All this time I thought it was Him pulling the strings. I've started to realize that we are the responsible parties. It's quite devious of Him, if you think about it. We've no one to blame but ourselves.
Ella: Screw that. I blame Pierce.
[Looks at the sky]
Ella: And, Big Guy? You and I are on rocky ground.
William: Who the hell are you?
Jack: Jack Monroe, PI.
Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar, Devil.
Lucifer: What I felt for her was smoke and mirrors, courtesy of dear old Dad. I mean, He clearly expected me to zig, and so I zagged.
Linda: And does Chloe know that you've... "zagged" Candy?
Lucifer: Yes. She just fired me.
Linda: Shocking.
Lucifer: Detective, will you go to the prom with me?
Marcus: It represents my immortality, my curse. I hate it.
Lucifer: Yes, yes. You hate living forever 'cause you can't see how much fun it is.
Jimmy: Please don't kill me.
Lucifer: Oh, Jimmy. You're gonna wish that's all I did to you.
Linda: Just because she didn't choose Pierce doesn't mean she chose you.
Lucifer: And just because she un-chose Pierce doesn't not mean she didn't choose me.
Lucifer: I decided to get a jump on the case and take a few things off your plate. Which, I might add, is the opposite of Pierce, whose job it is to put things *on* your plate.
Chloe: Hey. I've been looking for you everywhere. I tracked your phone's GPS.
Lucifer: Well, here I am.
Chloe: Well, we should wrap up the arrest report. And by that I mean paperwork, not some celebratory drink that you'll then turn into a moment.
Lucifer: Yes, Well... I've changed my mind about that, actually. I've realised it would never work out between us.
Chloe: Really?
Lucifer: Yes. So from now on, no more attempts at moments. I'd be honoured to simply continue working by your side. If you'll have me.
Chloe: Of course.
Lucifer: Good.
Chloe: Yeah. It's not like you to give up.
Lucifer: No, I haven't given up. I had an epiphany of sorts. You deserve someone worthy of you. And that isn't me.
Chloe: That's not what I've been saying, Lucifer.
Lucifer: I know. It's what I'm saying. You deserve someone better. Because you, Detective, are selfless to a nauseating degree. You always put your daughter first, even though the ungrateful urchin does nothing to contribute to the rent. So... You deserve someone worthy of that grace. Someone who knows that every crime scene breaks your heart, even though you'd never admit it. Someone who actually appreciates your impossibly boring middle name, "Jane". And more importantly, Detective, you deserve someone as good as you. Because, well, you're special and I'm... I'm not worth it.
Chloe: Yeah. You're probably right.
[kisses Lucifer]
Lucifer: Detective...?
[Chloe kisses him again]
Greyson the Lawyer: I'm a lawyer, so I admit, I'm used to doing whatever it takes to win. But I'm not gonna kill anybody.
Lucifer: And what about romantic liaisons?
[Looks at Chloe]
Lucifer: I mean, it's hard to stop an attraction, just because you're working together... I mean, playing a game.
Ilene the Ex: I would never fraternize with the enemy, sir. Eyes on the prize.
Lucifer: [Being shaken awake] Fetch me the goat!
Trixie: What's your name?
Lucifer: Lucifer.
Trixie: Like the Devil?
Lucifer: Exactly.
Trixie: My name's Beatrice, but everybody calls me Trixie.
Lucifer: That's a hooker's name.
Trixie: What's a hooker?
Lucifer: Ask your mother.
Chloe: You're under arrest.
Lt. Herrera: Oh, come on. Really?
Lucifer: Yes. Really. And if it's any consolation, I suggested we beat you to death with our bare hands, but the detective insisted we do it by the book. And considering I know where you're eventually going to go, that's fine by me.
Ben: What the hell?
Lucifer: Now you're catching on.
Chloe: Lucifer...
Lucifer: Ah! Speak of the me.
Lucifer: I didn't expect you to be so happy to lose your first fight ever, Brother. And to a human, no less.
Amenadiel: Nice try, Luci, but we both know this doesn't count.
Lucifer: Ah.
Amenadiel: Not to mention the fact that no mere mortal could ever stand a chance against the full power of my God-given...
Lucifer: Forget it. I regret mentioning it.
Lucifer: Detective, meet my new friend. Uh...
Reese: Reese.
Lucifer: Ah. Owner of the pieces.
Dan: What is that smell? And why is there... crime scene tape all around my desk?
Lucifer: Because trust me, Daniel, Cornelia committed a very serious infraction over there.
Lucifer: Glenn, tell me... what is it you desire?
Glenn: I want Bob Goldbach to die.
Lucifer: Oh. Case solved, Detective. Here I was, worried we'd be rusty.
Lucifer: Well, this case seems to be in very capable hands. So off I go.
Chloe: All right.
Lucifer: I mean, after all, you did take down the head of the Yakuza in single-hand combat. And defeat the Armenian mob in a rather spectacular car chase through Rome... although, strangely, it looked a lot more like Vancouver to me.
Lucifer: Well, guess what, brother, you don't need to kill me, because I'm done here. I've had my fun on Earth, and...
[Lucifer sighs]
Lucifer: there's no reason for me to stay anymore. You win. I'll go willingly. Please, just... take me back to Hell.
Amenadiel: No.
Lucifer: [to Dan] People like you. they find you helpful, like duct tape or a trusty socket wrench. I want you to teach me your secret. I want you to show me how to be a tool.
Lucifer: His desire was to become the new Godfather, a Scarface for millennials.
Chloe: You introduced him to the mob?
Lucifer: ...I may have gotten him an internship.
Michael: You know that won't kill me.
Chloe: [shoots him a couple of times] Yeah, but it makes me feel better.
Chloe: History and religion have painted a pretty awful picture of you, haven't they?
Lucifer: You couldn't be more right, Detective.
Chloe: So... You don't bite the heads off of children?
Lucifer: Uh, no. Of course not.
[laughs]
Lucifer: I detest the little creatures. And I'd certainly never put one in my mouth.
Linda: And you've left Hell behind to take a vacation in Los Angeles?
Lucifer: Well, where else would I go?
Ella: El Espinoza called in sick, I'm afraid.
Lucifer: Ah, did he look in the mirror again? I told him not to do that.
Michael: Why do you have to fight the inevitable?
Lucifer: It's the only way I know how to fight.
U.S. Marshal Luke Reynolds: When you're dealing with someone like Bob the Knob...
Lucifer: [Snorts] Sorry. Seriously? "Bob the Knob"? What was he in Witness Protection for? Bad porn?
Chloe: Care to explain why you sent Johnny Kane a threatening e-mail yesterday at 9:10 a.m.?
Lucifer: Busted, Mr. Hoffing. You may as well come clean now. Pun intended.
Julian: You two are not at all what I pictured when I heard the cops were here. Kudos.
Lucifer: We're not cops.
Ella: I'm actually a forensic scientist.
Lucifer: And I'm the Devil.
Lucifer: New visitors policy. Hot women turning up unannounced are no longer welcome. Especially those who are secretly my mother.
Lucifer: Do you know, I never thought I'd say this, Detective, but we need to go to Canada.
Chloe: He was firing at you. Why aren't you... more dead?
Lucifer: You're having a very hard time with the immortal thing, aren't you?
Lucifer: Ironically, we're in Hell and finally I'm ready to be God.
Chloe: Lucifer, we just got together. You're already finding things to freak out about.
Lucifer: I'm not finding anything, Detective. All I've done is lose stuff.
Chloe: You look like hell.
Lucifer: Ha! Not heard that before.
Chloe: Well, after 57 phone calls, twice as many texts, the billboard off Sunset, and the ill-conceived stripper-gram...
Lucifer: In my defense, Roberto came highly recommended.
Charlotte: For the first time since I woke up on that beach, I thought, "Finally, something that makes sense. Of course I'm sleeping with Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome." Uh... uh... But now you're saying that's not... not even that's the case?
Lucifer: Look, I can assure you that you and I have not or will not ever, ever, ever... sleep together.
Lucifer: We can't miss the part of the case where we chase the suspect. Or you chase and I watch,
Chloe: I mean. Or you could help this time.
[Runs through crowd]
Chloe: Out of the way. Out of the way.
Lucifer: [Grabs a tire off the wall and throws it at suspect] See? Didn't have to chase him at all. He got tired.
[Chloe glares at him]
Lucifer: Oh, come on, I thought that was one of my better puns.
Lucifer: Sand literally gets everywhere.
- Yeah, it does.
Chloe: Lucifer, oh my god.
Lucifer: Well, there's an oxymoron.
Dan: A murder, it's like a gigantic puzzle, only you don't know what the corner pieces are, or what it's going to look like when it's done.
Lucifer: You just described torture. Trust me, I know.
Amenadiel: Why are we here?
Lucifer: Well, two reasons, actually. Uh, boobs.
Amenadiel: [sighs] Why am I not surprised?
- Who stole them?
- They were yours.
- No, don't!
Lucifer: Someone's got them, mazikeen.
- Someone's got my wings.
Lucifer: How much did you owe?
Lee: Like, 700,000 dollars, give or take a few.
Lucifer: For that much, I'd have killed you myself.
Lucifer: Well... welcome to the club of parental deceit, child. It's a lonely place, but that's the price of being clever.
Father: I got word from a colleague of mine in Rome that she'd met with a priest who was hell-bent on banishing the devil from Earth.
Lucifer: And you all get paid to do this? I'm genuinely asking.
God: Is this one of those times when you say one thing and mean another? Because I certainly didn't invent that.
Lucifer: If you're referring to sarcasm, I'm not sure I'm smart-alecky enough to take credit for that. "Smart" being in the title, which I'm sure you'll disagree.
God: There he goes again.
Chloe: [lying in hospital bed] Thank you.
Lucifer: You're welcome. And, besides, you know, you're far too interesting to let die.
Chloe: You saved my life because I'm interesting?
Lucifer: Wildly irritating as well, but yes.
Marcus: We just spent the last half hour wandering past billboards of women's lingerie.
Lucifer: And your problem is?
Kylie the Rocker: Thank God you're okay.
Lucifer: He certainly had nothing to do with it.
Lucifer: Detective would you like to use your newly acquired charms on this lovely chap?
Chloe: Well, yes, I would. I just don't want to rub salt in your wound.
Lucifer: Well, obviously I'd love you to rub something else, but we're learning to share, aren't we?
Lucifer: The world has no god! Clearly I belong on this couch.
Lucifer: [a whimpering man is held prisoner, his head covered, as Lucifer and Maze come down the stairs] Finally ! The would-be Prince of Darkness.
Ronnie: Payment due upon delivery.
Lucifer: I'd like to examine the goods first.
Ronnie: Your dime.
Lucifer: [turning around the man] Right. Let's see the face of my impostor.
[Maze uncovers the man's head]
Mazikeen: [laughs] The resemblance is uncanny.
Lucifer: It most certainly is not.
[Maze giggles]
Lucifer: How could anyone think that you were me ?
The: [with a fake british accent, trying to sound assured] You know who you're messing with ? I'm Lucifer freaking Morningstar !
Lucifer: [faking surprise] Oh ! Are you now ?
Lucifer: [about the burning cabin] I wouldn't go in there, Detective. It's hotter than... well, you know.
Chloe: If there's even the slightest hint that she is unsafe, your duties are revoked.
Lucifer: [scoffs] Right.
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: You said "dooties."
- I'm sorry, father.
- But we shouldn't be surprised.
- I mean, Lucifer isn't mature enough to...
Lucifer: Sorry, I'm late.
- I brought souffle.
- Risen perfectly, just as you like them.
[to Ty]
Lucifer: I've met your type before, so desperate to control their lives, they forget to enjoy it.
Lucifer: The last person I opened up to, I hurt. A lot. Let alone I've hurt my own flesh and blood. It's all I seem to be able to do.
Carmen: I would like to introduce you to the first item up for bid... the Lost Chains of St. Paul!
Amenadiel: [Watching from the crowd] Paul's wrists were too thick to fit in those chains.
Lucifer: I know. That man never could pass on dessert, could he?
Lucifer: You parents, always with your lessons. Or as I like to call them, mind games. Well, I'm about to get to the bottom of my Father's latest.
[Enters interrogation room]
Lucifer: It's Charlotte time!
[Sees middle-aged man]
Lucifer: You're not Charlotte.
Larry: And yet people get us confused, like, all the time.
Lucifer: It's not your job to punish, Marshal Reynolds. It's mine.
Michael: One tall non-fat almond milk latte with sugar-free caramel drizzle. It's your favorite, come on. Come on.
[Chloe knocks it away]
Michael: Hey! That was, like, seven bucks.
Chloe: [about the one-legged choreographer] He's also the creator of America's Next Prima Ballerina, the show that Reina was gonna host, until she reneged on her deal and it cost him a fortune.
Lucifer: Right. Well, I don't see why he wouldn't take such a loss in stride.
[laughs]
Lucifer: You see what I did there? "In stride"?
Linda: You said I could ride along because my knowledge of the case could come in handy.
Lucifer: To be fair, you did say you'd tail us if we didn't bring you.
Lucifer: Speak of the Devil's mum.
Amenadiel: I know who did this.
Lucifer: I'll drive.
Lucifer: The detective is annoying me with questions that clearly won't lead anywhere, so I need a favor.
Mazikeen: Favors are your thing, not mine.
Lucifer: [echoing] You're lucky the detective isn't here.
- You'd be cleaning my blood out of the couch.
- J' no mercy, no mercy j”
- I are you ready for the devil, man? J' j' are you ready for the devil? J'
- I are you ready for the devil, man? J'
Eve: "When the devil walks the earth and meets his first love"; means you consider me to be your... first love. Ergo! You love me.
[Kisses him]
Eve: Oh, my God! I can't believe you said it first. I've been dying to say it for so long.
Lucifer: Have you? Interesting you should focus on that part of the prophecy, when evil being released really is the relevant part.
Linda: [about Maze, who is sitting next to Lucifer, on the verge of tears] She thought you abandoned her. That you didn't care how that affected her.
Lucifer: But those sort of things never bothered her be-
[He finally notices that Maze is crying]
Lucifer: ... Before.
Amenadiel: So that's who you were with... Chloe and Trixie. Well, so much for wine, women and song.
Lucifer: Technically, all of those things were represented, when you count the post-game karaoke.
Lucifer: [Making out with a bridesmaid] Detective, I found you a lead.
Chloe: Where--in her mouth?
Lucifer: Yes, actually. Imagine what I can find in other orifices.
Lucifer: What do you do when someone has betrayed you? Normally I'd go straight to punishment, fire, brimstone, public humiliation via YouTube.
Lucifer: Oh, no. Mounting my wings, like some decorative stag head.
Chloe: Thank you very much, Dr. Martin. We'll be in touch. All right, we gotta go.
Lucifer: Yes, of course, but I... I made a deal, so I'm gonna have to hold up my end of the bargain. You wouldn't mind waiting outside?
Chloe: [sotto] Are you seriously talking about having sex with her right now?
Lucifer: Well, it won't take long.
Linda: I do yoga. Hot... yoga. I'm freakishly flexible. Want to see?
[demonstrating]
Linda: Wow! I really tried to keep that one in.
Lucifer: Well, you tried; that's what matters.
[Chloe gets up to leave]
Lucifer: Uh, look, I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check. I will be back, okay?
Linda: I certainly hope so.
Lucifer: My word is my bond.
Lucifer: All we need is your fingerprint.
Bree: Well, my finger goes wherever the lady tells me it goes.
Madison: The good news is bad feelings can be harnessed into good actions. My son Ranger knows this. Right, Ranger?
[Ranger silently picks his nose]
Madison: Would anyone else like to try?
Lucifer: Yeah!
Madison: ...Would any of the *children* like to volunteer?
Lucifer: [Whispers] For a progressive school, it's rather ageist.
Amenadiel: Your wings are missing?
Lucifer: [chuckles] Sorry, is there an echo? Isn't that what I just said?
Amenadiel: What exactly am I supposed to do with that news?
Lucifer: Use your angelic powers to soar around the city and find them. I mean, really, what good's an angel if he can't help a brother out? Am I right?
Lucifer: Sorry, ladies, but it's hard for me to enjoy a triple-Decker with my mother's hands all over it.
Lucifer: Just don't give me your "resting Pierce face."
Lucifer: All right, first off, a... a makeover. Clothes. Shoes. Here's an idea, try smiling.
[Amenadiel pulls an awkward grin]
Lucifer: Right. We can work on that.
Lucifer: Thought you could use a hand, but...
[Sees severed hand on counter]
Lucifer: Looks like someone beat me to it.
Lucifer: Why did Rory tell us this was my last day if there's nothing we can do about it. It's such a... buzz kill.
Dan: Stay away from me. Don't hurt me.
Lucifer: Says the man who shot me.
Lucifer: Chloe Jane Decker... would you consider spending the rest of today with me and our daughter?
Chloe: How can I say no to that?
Lucifer: A celestial impregnating a human... How is it even possible?
Amenadiel: And, if it is, how has this not already happened to you?
Lucifer: True.
Esther: You guys mind if I post that I'm totes helping a police investigation?
Lucifer: Absolutely. Do you mind tagging me?
Lucifer: Mack... Or should I say... Hack?
[Mack looks confused]
Lucifer: Waste of a pun.
[to Chloe]
Lucifer: You're gonna have to spell it out for him, Detective.
Chloe: Pure Honey, they've been here for years. Maybe they didn't like the competition moving in next door.
Lucifer: Destroy the rival hive and suddenly he's back to being queen bee.
Lucifer: I'm telling you. Obi Wan Can't-See-Me is Maggie's only hope.
Lucifer: Do you know, of all the ways you humans try to control your lives, these silly New Age superstitions are by far the most embarrassing.
Lucifer: Why do they always associate me with goats? I mean, I don't even like their cheese.
Chloe: Can you give us the access to your security footage?
Lalo: That's above my pay grade. You'd have to talk to the big man upstairs.
Lucifer: God?
Lalo: Uh, no. The company's owner.
Dan: Did you spike my coffee?
Lucifer: It's the only way to get through yet another tedious and useless task. You're welcome.
Lucifer: [after Charlotte hurls them through Lucifer's piano] Well, now look what you've made her do. I've just had this tuned!
Amenadiel: *Me*? How about you suggesting Hell as a retirement home? Nice. Maybe if you had just mentioned the pottery class or water aerobics, she would have gone for it.
Chloe: Lieutenant, we need you on this case.
Lucifer: [sighs] And I normally love threesomes.
Lucifer: I never thought Amenadiel's Rod being used in my sex life would be such a great thing.
Lucifer: What sort of casino back room is this anyway? I mean, where's the dangling lightbulb and the bloodstained floor? Where's Joe Pesci?
[Looks at the guards]
Lucifer: It seems maiming us isn't even in their agenda. Quite frankly, I'm disappointed, gentlemen.
Lucifer: Detective! Woohoo!
Lucifer: Just getting ready for a little sting operation.
Amenadiel: Right. I should've assumed you'd be busy.
Lucifer: The Devil's back.
Amenadiel: It's dangerous for humanity to be exposed to divinity.
Lucifer: Well, I wouldn't sit on that couch... Left a lot of divinity there.
Lucifer: That whole "mark of Cain" thing was so dreary, so nihilistic. There are far better ways to spend my time.
Linda: Oh?
Lucifer: Yes. Well, I could brew my own artisanal beer. Take a nude painting class. Buy that pet shark I've always wanted.
Lucifer: Like a wise therapist once said to me, I can't give you the right answers, only the right questions.
Lucifer: [to Chloe] How can I call you "the detective" if you're not actually a detective?
Erik: I don't mind a fellow struggling comic busting balls. It's when a millionaire starts punching down that I get pissed. Or that good-looking jerk from the club.
Lucifer: What? Who's he talking about?
Chloe: Dan.
Lucifer: Right. Are you sure?
Lucifer: God, this was much easier in The DVC.
Marcus: DVC?
Lucifer: My research text. Also a movie. By the way, Tom Hanks is a national treasure. Also a movie. Not as helpful, though.
Linda: I know you've been through Hell... I suppose we can discuss that another time.
Lucifer: Oh, no, no, there's no need for censoring, Doctor. Candy and I have no secrets. Isn't that the key to a successful marriage?
Linda: And how are you coping since your... Travels? Any warning signs of lasting trauma? Denial?
[Looks at Candy]
Linda: Rash decisions?
Lucifer: No, no. I think I've thought through everything quite carefully.
Candy: He's a thinker, this one!
Linda: God cast you out because He needed you to do the most difficult of jobs. It was a gift.
Lucifer: Gift? He shunned me. He vilified me. He made me a torturer! Can you even begin to fathom what it was like? Eons spent providing a place for dead mortals to punish themselves? I mean, why do they blame me for all their little failings? As if I'd spent my days sitting on their shoulder, forcing them to commit acts they'd otherwise find repulsive. "Oh, the Devil made me do it." I HAVE NEVER MADE ANY ONE OF THEM DO ANYTHING. Never.
Chloe: This an extremely high profile case. We are doing this by the book. I cannot have you terrorizing him.
Lucifer: I would never.
Chloe: Or threatening to tear his arms off.
Lucifer: That happened one time.
Chloe: Or hanging him from a window.
Lucifer: I solemnly promise that the man's feet will remain firmly on the ground.
[Body falls from the sky]
Lucifer: The Detective is a detective, so I'm being a mystery.
Lucifer: In human terms, once upon a time, a boy met a girl, and they fell in love. They had sex. The only trouble was, they were celestial beings, so that moment created the universe.
Linda: Mm, the Big Bang?
Lucifer: Never knew how appropriate the name was until now, did you?
Chloe: [Looking at Jana's phone] All threatening texts. All sent from the same number. This last one, just before she got to your place.
Lucifer: "Ditch the loser from Lux"? Oh, this is terrible. She was seeing someone else at Lux?
Chloe: I think it means you.
Lucifer: Look, I know you think I'm a bad guy, but I'm simply trying to catch our dear friend Malcolm so I can tear his arms and legs off. This has nothing to do with you.
Chloe: You know I can't let you do that.
Chloe: Trust me, you do not want to talk to me right now.
Lucifer: You're right, I don't. You look scary.
Lucifer: Poor Pauline.
Chloe: Pauline?
Lucifer: My friend who works the intake desk at the precinct. I'm helping her through a bad breakup. We've grown quite close since yesterday.
Lucifer: A canine killer. Seems they can't trust you with a real homicide, Daniel.
Ella: Nope. The bitch is innocent.
Lucifer: You tried waterboarding?
Mazikeen: Twice.
Lucifer: Bamboo under the nails?
Mazikeen: Do I look like an amateur?
Lucifer: Nickelback on repeat?
Mazikeen: That's where I started.
Dan: You better stay out of it, or I swear to God, you're gonna be sorry.
Lucifer: Must we bring my Father into this?
Lucifer: [Lucifer has been shot and is lying on the floor bleeding profusely]
[Sound of Lucifer's Heart Beating]
Lucifer: I don't know if this is all part of the plan... or if you can even hear me...
[laughing Weakly]
Lucifer: But if you're up there... DAD!...
[laughs]
Lucifer: I need a favor...
[Gasping]
Lucifer: I'll be the son you always wanted me to be...
[Choking]
Lucifer: I'll do as you ask...
[Heartbeat slowing]
Lucifer: go where you want me to... I-in exchange... all I ask... is that you protect Chloe.
[Heartbeat Stops]
Lucifer: [as Chloe wakes up in the hospital] Well, look who's back.
Chloe: How long have I been out?
Lucifer: Three years.
Chloe: What?
[he snickers]
Chloe: You're such an ass.
Lucifer: Thank you.
Lucifer: Clearly, I got the fashion sense in the family. Word of advice: I'd lose the trench coat, 'cause as it stands, it's less cool, brooding angel, more sort of "pedophile chic."
Jacob: Unless you have actual cause to charge me with something, this little chat is over.
Lucifer: Oh, I'm the devil, Tiernan, I have all the cause I need.
Chloe: Your girlfriend Daria Mitchell was found murdered last night.
Davis: Murdered?
Gisele: Girlfriend? Is there a waitress you haven't slept with?
[Storms off]
Lucifer: My gosh. Is hipster infidelity really more egregious than homicide?
Chloe: Beckett Wilson. She was the doctor's next patient. She found the body, she was pretty shaken up.
Lucifer: Talk about shock therapy.
Azrael: I mean, you know Ella, there's just something about her. She's so positive, she makes you feel like...
Lucifer: Good about yourself.
Azrael: Yeah, exactly.
Ella: The home screen is... two eyes?
Charlotte: Human female breasts.
Lucifer: No. That is a woman's perfectly freckled rump.
Chloe: So our lead on the killer is a pair of butt-boob-eyes.
Chloe: You sent her a threatening text. "Ditch the loser from Lux."
Andy: Yeah. She said she was hooking up with some DJ named Lucifer.
Lucifer: [Outraged] DJ? How dare you!
Marcus: [about the Sinnerman] It's not a name to throw around. Not even at the precinct. That's why I came here to talk. He's that dangerous.
Lucifer: So am I.
Marcus: My brother is in Hell?
Lucifer: Yes, of course. In fact, he's our oldest tenant.
Marcus: I knew it. Do you know how many times I've tried to tell people Abel is the asshat? No one ever believes me.
Lucifer: It's a very difficult day... because...
Chloe: Today.
Lucifer: Today is...
Chloe: The first day.
Lucifer: The first day..
Chloe: Of..,
Lucifer: Of...
Chloe: The trial
Lucifer: Trial of...
Chloe: ...My dad's killer.
Lucifer: Trial of my dad's killer!
[Confused]
Lucifer: Nietzsche?
Ella: I'm actually writing my own book about a forensic scientist who talks to ghosts.
Lucifer: You are? Tell me, what do you do when you run out of ideas?
Ella: Oh, I never run out of ideas. I've got way too many. My problem is how to choose.
Lucifer: Well, there's no need to rub it in.
Lucifer: It turns out you were right, Doctor. It's impossible to control your feelings. And anyone who does risks turning into a murderous lunatic with a child of below-average intelligence,
Chloe: Mm-hmm.
Lucifer: My no-good manipulative bastard of a brother is trying to steal it out from under me.
[Miss odetta] Ah.
Lucifer: In fact, there are just a few swing votes left.
- Can you tell me how to convince my siblings
- I'm the right man for the job?
Ella: You must be Detective Decker's civilian consultant.
Lucifer: Lucifer Morningstar.
Ella: Cool.
Lucifer: I was expecting a different reaction considering your choice of bling.
[Looks at her cross necklace]
Ella: Oh. Dude, I had a friend named Adolf, okay, Adolf. I didn't hold it against him.
Lucifer: He's weaseled his way into her heart, and I don't understand how, but I need to.
Amenadiel: Well, good luck. And I will come up with a plan that will *actually* work.
Lucifer: Daniel, there you are. I need some advice in an area I assume you have extensive expertise. What does it mean when a woman recoils at your touch?
Lucifer: Never bring a knife to a devil fight.
Lucifer: How does this God Johnson know Samael, hmm? My name.
Amenadiel: Oh, wait, I know.
Lucifer: You do?
Amenadiel: The Internet! It's truly amazing what you can find online. Have you seen that video with the cat that jumps inside the box?
Lieutenant: I found this... where Matt was killed. Fell out of his pocket. Just a little thing I like to call "evidence."
Chloe: You stole evidence from the crime scene?
Lucifer: To be fair, Detective, that is absolutely on-brand.
Jeffrey: I started seeing my ex, Emma. We had gone to counseling. It was rough at first, but ultimately it helped bring us back together.
Lucifer: Now you tell me!
Marcus: Last time you talked to him, he gouged his own eyes out.
Lucifer: Yes, a minor inconvenience, especially for him. I mean, can you imagine living in L.A. and not being able to enjoy the sunset?
Chloe: The Sinnerman is an urban myth; He doesn't exist. He's a boogeyman that criminals use to hide their bad behavior. "The Sinnerman made me do it."
Lucifer: Yet another thing he's stolen from me, being blamed for the bad deeds of men.
[pause]
Lucifer: He can keep that one, actually.
Lucifer: I got the files, didn't I? I did what I had to do
Dan: Oh, please, don't give me that crap. You never do what you have to do, Lucifer. You only ever do what you *want* to.
Lucifer: That is not true. There's a lot of things that I didn't want to do.
Dan: Oh, really?
Lucifer: Yes. Because if I only ever did what I wanted to do, then right now, I'd do this.
[Punches Dan in the face]
Ella: Time of death was two hours ago, but apparently he's been missing for almost two days.
Lucifer: Ooh, that's a long time on a sex rack. Not a record, but quite impressive.
Lucifer: I'd rather return to the fires of hell than spend a night in Tarzana.
Lucifer: Amenadiel seems to think I owe you a chat. So I'll start by saying I do not forgive you.
Charlotte: I deserve that.
Lucifer: [as Chloe calls] Speak of the Devil's girlfriend.
Lucifer: I had to run home to replace your ghastly scarf. One thing I refuse to hate about myself is my style.
Ella: The ballet shoe had traces of olive oil, Evian and beeswax.
Lucifer: So our killer's a bumblebee with expensive taste?
Father: I know the divine is real. And I also know that evil walks the earth. And that you, Mr. Morningstar...
Lucifer: Oh, brother, here we go.
Father: ...Are not it.
Lucifer: I really need to put a lock on that elevator.
Linda: God and His ex having a fight to the death? Sounds kind of bad for, you know, humanity.
Lucifer: [Waves hand] Oh, you'll probably be fine.
Linda: *Probably*?
- It's because you're special, Decker.
Lucifer: What if the sinnerman was the one working for someone else?
- The world's first murderer, marked by god and doomed to walk the earth alone for a tortured eternity.
- It's quite the moniker.
- Wouldn't you agree, Cain?
Chloe: Maybe he doesn't want to go in half-cocked.
Lucifer: I should definitely be full-cocked.
Lucifer: [Trying to care for Cornelia, the dog] I mean, at least the detective's human dependent can be bribed with chocolate and cash. But apparently, chocolate's toxic for Ms. Picky here. And she ate my wallet.
Josh: I thought you weren't real cops. I mean, a guy named Lucifer and the chick from Hot Tub Hotel?
Lucifer: "High School". Hot Tub High School. She wasn't in the sequel.
Lucifer: Don't be ridiculous, Daniel. Nothing's changed. I'm still the same person, charming, beloved. And you're still the same person too, useless, tolerated.
Chloe: I'm just trying to piece together a timeline. A lot can happen in five minutes.
Lucifer: You can't be suggesting...
Chloe: ...That you slept with her? I'm not.
Lucifer: No. That I'm a two-pump chump. If we'd slept together, she wouldn't have left until the morning. Believe me.
Chloe: What?
Lucifer: I promise you
- I can get to that antidote without harming myself.
Chloe: How?
Lucifer: We don't have time to explain.
- Do you trust me?
Chloe: Yes.
Lucifer: Then go.
- Go!
Chloe: Dr. Martin, we know that, um, Delilah was having a clandestine affair with a wealthy, married man, so if you just tell us his name, we will be on our way.
Linda: I'm sorry, I can't do that.
Lucifer: Oh, she's one of the complex ones. Linda, darling, why don't you tell me? Hmm?
Linda: Well, I can't. I want to, but I can't.
[laughing]
Linda: Oh, you're the devil.
Lucifer: Correct. Now, come on, Dr. Martin. I know you want to.
Linda: Oh, man, and it's really, really juicy, too.
Lucifer: Ooh, I bet it is.
Linda: No, I can't.
Chloe: What did you do to her? Did you roofie her?
Lucifer: Oh, no, it's not her fault. She's just reacting to me. Just watch and learn, okay? Right, the answer is yes, we can take a trip to pound town if we must, but first, you're gonna have to tell us, Linda, okay?
Linda: [wating to hold back] Um... okay! It's Grey Cooper.
Chloe: Grey Cooper? Seriously? That is juicy.
Lucifer: Grey Cooper, the actor? The one who's married to Amanda what's-her-chops?
Chloe: Yeah, yeah.
Lucifer: Oh, no, he's horrible. So square-jawed, so handsome, so vanilla. Oh, I'm really quite disappointed in Delilah. That's truly terrible taste in the opposite sex.
Chloe: Okay, a list of everyone you've slept with in the last eight weeks.
Lucifer: Right, you'll need a much bigger notepad.
Amenadiel: Maybe celestial beings and humans... Luci, maybe they aren't that different.
Lucifer: What, are we talking in bed? 'Cause we all know my skills are preternatural.
Lucifer: We need to bust Maze out. Let's smuggle her something she can use to escape.
[Looks around, grabs a stabler and a sandwich]
- I'll be...
- I'll be the new you.
- Okay, I've never once done that.
Lucifer: My point exactly.
- Meet Lucinda. Come on.
- Gosh, this is gonna be harder than I thought.
- Hey, man, what's up?
Lucifer: Oh, Daniel.
- Is it too late for you to come back?
- I'm so sorry. You forgot something.
- All right, man. I'll be right there.
- Fantastic.
- Idiot.
Lucifer: Uh, Detective, you seem to have left on the central locking!
Chloe: Act like a child, get treated like a child.
Lucifer: Wha...? Isn't it illegal to leave your child locked in a car?
Axara: You can make yourself useful. Unless that's just a prop.
[Gestures to his piano]
Lucifer: Prop? Please. Mozart, Liberace, Elton.
Axara: Who?
Lucifer: All the greats were my pupils.
Chloe: What happened?
Lucifer: You're safe. That's all that matters.
- I'm fine right here.
- This... is my sanctuary.
Lucifer: Well, your sanctuary just got shot to high heaven, padre.
- But if you're looking to lay low,
- I believe I know just the place.
Lucifer: I can't read it.
Charlotte: But you speak every language.
Lucifer: Speak, not read. I've always found tongues much more useful.
Lucifer: He's a spry one. Or she. No sign of her anywhere. I mean, him. This is head-spinning, isn't it?
Chloe: Daniel Moore, vegan chef. Curiously found with raw meat in his mouth.
Lucifer: Ah. So vegans can't enjoy a healthy sex life?
Lucifer: I don't want to be a monster.
Lucifer: Hello, Wyrzbeski. Tell me, apart from a more pronounceable name, what do you desire?
Wyrzbeski: Is this about Secret Santa? 'Cause you're not supposed to ask people what they want. That gives it away.
Lucifer: You stalked your father's murderer right before he was killed. That was a terrible move, Detective.
Lucifer: Actually, you know what, I'll boil you alive. Yeah. Top most painful way to die, according to BuzzFeed.
Mazikeen: Prick got what he deserved.
Lucifer: He was my brother.
Lucifer: Ms Lopez, you are an enigma, wrapped in a hoodie under a jaunty ponytail.
Sinnerman: It really is true, how the other senses kick in once one is removed.
Lucifer: I can remove a few others if you'd like.
Lucifer: That's Destiny Page's number. No one in their right mind would ignore her.
Dan: Wait, Destiny Page, the pop star?
Lucifer: Mm-hm.
Dan: How would you know her number?
Lucifer: Funny story...
Dan: Never mind, don't wanna know.
Marcus: I'm still human. I still feel all the pain that comes with death. It's just the wounds heal.
Lucifer: Sounds like a bitch.
Marcus: Yeah, well, I don't have to tell you what sort of sick sense of humor your father has.
Lucifer: Hello, mean girl. Did you know there's a special section of Hell reserved for bullies? So, have fun.
[she screams as he shows her demonic eyes under his human ones]
Chloe: [coming out of the principal's office] What did you do?
Lucifer: Oh... I just think someone's feeling a little guilty.
Linda: You're not concerned?
Lucifer: Oh, please. Maze and I have been through the plagues, the floods, the Dave Matthews Band.
Lucifer: Because if the devil can be redeemed, then anyone can.
Vincent: And if you can't, uh, I can just shoot you in the face. Put you out of your misery, no?
Lucifer: Huh? No, Vincent. Nobody will be shooting anyone in the face. Clearly, you're going to need a little more time.
Lucifer: Mum and Dad together are their own worst punishment.
Mazikeen: No biggie.
Lucifer: Wrong. Big biggie. Huge biggie.
Linda: Things were much less complicated when I thought you were just another average delusional patient with a complicated family.
Lucifer: Well, I've never been average, Linda. Mentally, physically... And as you know... sexually.
Linda: Oh, my God. I had sex with the Devil.
Lucifer: Many, many times. And you're welcome.
Lucifer: Trust me, I've been doing this a long time. I know evil.
Lucifer: "Hello Malkie"
Ella: You need a favor?
Lucifer: Yes, your scientific expertise on a discreet matter.
Ella: Paternity test?
Lucifer: What? Do I look like someone who'd be so irresponsible?
Lucifer: How do we find Abel? Keep an ear out for someone babbling in Sumerian?
Mazikeen: Oh, no, no. He speaks in English. And all the romance languages. Arabic, Mandarin. I mean, he's a little dated, and his Hindi needs work.
Chloe: Ella's working on cause of death.
Lucifer: Well, he obviously drowned in this vat of semen.
Chloe: It's pudding, Lucifer.
Lucifer: Sure, I've heard it called that, too.
Rosie: An angel, who saved me. It flew in here, and it just chased the evil man away.
Lucifer: [laughs] I'm sorry, sorry, it's just the only thing my siblings would chase away are a good time.
Lucifer: Sooner or later, you are going to disappoint them all over again! And so you'd rather stay away for all eternity.
Lee: You're right. It's true, all of it.
Lucifer: [to himself] It is...
Linda: Of all the cities in the world, Lucifer, why did you decide to come to Los Angeles?
Lucifer: Well, the same reason as everyone else. Uh, the weather, porn stars, Mexican food... mm!
Linda: You know, you say... you say people are phony here, but I think people come here to reinvent themselves. And I think that's why you're here. To reinvent yourself.
Lucifer: Why would I mess with perfection?
Lucifer: Why do they blame me for all their little failings? As if I'd spent my days sitting on their shoulder, forcing them to commit acts they'd otherwise find repulsive. "Oh, the Devil made me do it ." I have never made any one of them do anything. Never.
Mazikeen: I asked you to talk. And you blow me off and hide in a freezer? I thought we were past all of this.
Lucifer: Oh, sure, yeah, thought I'd just hang around in here like a frozen side of beef just to avoid you. Hello! I was a prisoner!
Chloe: The killer inserted a knife into her throat, made two very precise cuts, slashing her vocal cords.
Chloe: Sounds like someone went to a lot of trouble to make a point.
Lucifer: Yes, I smell an annoyed neighbor who's tired of her singing.
Amenadiel: Can we please talk about the immediate problem here? Like all of us archangels gathered here on Earth, out in the open for all of humanity to see!
Lucifer: Relax, brother, this is LA. No one will even notice.
Chloe: We got to make a pit stop.
Lucifer: What? No, absolutely not.
Chloe: My kid got into a fight. I got to pick her up.
Lucifer: What, can't she get herself home?
Chloe: She's seven.
Lucifer: Look, I'm not here to help you run errands. I'm here to help you solve a homicide.
Chloe: Really?
Lucifer: You're supposed to be on my side, you know.
Linda: No. I'm supposed to help you process your emotions so you can deal with them constructively.
Lucifer: Yes, by being on my side and realizing that I'm right.
Chloe: This is a serial killer.
Lucifer: Yes. The Completely Justified Killer of Phonies.
[to Reese]
Lucifer: If that's what you name him, I want credit.
Chloe: Kinley's vial? You kept that?
Lucifer: Well, I didn't think it was something I could just toss down the drain. I was gonna chuck it out with my spent batteries.
Marcus: Your research was watching The Da Vinci Code?
Lucifer: And the sequels!
Lucifer: Oh, no, no. Not this. Better a snuff movie, a human centipede, clown porn, but not improv!
Lucifer: [Regarding Willie "The Sausage Prince"] My dear friend Sigmund would have had a field day with you.
Lucifer: Oh, His plan for me was quite clear.
Father: How do you know it's finished?
Lucifer: The demons in question are Dromos and Squee. Hardly the brightest bulbs in the hellfire chandelier.
Mazikeen: I hate those two. Especially Squee.
Lucifer: Well, everyone hates Squee.
Lucifer: [laughs, while looking at Chloe's phone] Oh, full of '90s jams, I see. The Bangles, N'Sync, Right Said Fred?
Chloe: Give me the phone back.
Lucifer: I mean, seriously, Detective, your music queue alone is enough to disqualify you from this case.
Ella: Thank God Pierce held off on releasing the scene until we did a third sweep. We may have never found it.
Lucifer: Oh, I guarantee you wouldn't have.
Lilith: My children are perfect. They can't be banished, because they have no home. Can't be abandoned, because they have no family.
Lucifer: They'll never be cast out of the proverbial garden.
Lilith: You can never tell them what I've done today, Lucifer. Not if they are going to be unbreakable.
Amenadiel: I think you might be in danger.
Lucifer: Well, is it the Yakuza? The Nephilim? One Million Moms?
Chloe: No photos at a crime scene. Sorry.
Esther: Not even one last one with the handsome cop?
Lucifer: Don't let the boring detective spoil things. It would be my pleasure.
[Ester walks past him to take a selfie with Dan]
Lucifer: ... Obviously, I'm far too well-dressed to be a cop.
Chloe: Golden gun. It's unique and it sounds familiar.
Lucifer: Yes, Roger Moore's Bond films. Perhaps our killer's Scaramanga, the man with three nipples.
Lucifer: Could tie Tiernan to the anchor of one of his ships.
Eve: Mm-hmm.
Lucifer: Or a million paper cuts from his own hundred-dollar bills.
Eve: Great.
Lucifer: Oh, no, actually... I know a man who owns an emu farm. They're surprisingly bloodthirsty animals.
Lucifer: I mean, seriously, a community center? This is where we'll find the deadly Yellow Viper?
Chloe: According to his parole officer.
Chloe: Oh, after five years behind bars, a brothel would be my go-to.
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