Top 200 Quotes From Robert Sheehan

Klaus: The only thing that the Umbrella Academy knows about love is how to screw it up.

Tim: Is it true?
Simon: Is what true?
Tim: You know what I'm talking about.
[Curtis and Nathan exchange puzzled glances]
Tim: Don't play games with me, Conti.
Kelly: [angrily] Awww, he talks this bollocks all the time!
Tim: Fat Tony says you got an undercover cop in your organization.
Nathan: See, that's why I don't play computer games, cause they never bloody end!

[from trailer]
Simon: You killed two cops!
Jace: They weren't cops!

Tony: There are people out there who think you're scum. You have an opportunity to show them they're wrong.
Nathan: Yeah, but what if they're right? No offense, but I'm thinking some people are just born criminals.
Gary: Are you looking to get stabbed?
Nathan: You see my point there?

[from trailer]
Hodge: Everyday you live your life...
Jocelyn: [to Clary] Make sure you come straight home tonight.
Hodge: Ordinary, normal...
Simon: [to Clary] You know your Mom, she gets like this sometimes...
Hodge: But there's only so long you can hide from the truth.
Clary: [Smiling at Simon and pointing at Pandemonium] Why don't we go in here?

Curtis: [holding bat to Nathan's face] Say another word. I dare you. Do it!
Nathan: [guffaws] I didn't do anything... be angry with him.
Simon: [stuttering] ... I-I didn't know what was happening... she-she just... and then she... before I knew it, she was...
Nathan: Sucking your cock!

Klaus: Come here, Vanya.
- Come on.
- Get over here.
Klaus: I love you guys.
[Gasps] Oh! You guys!
- I love this song!

[from trailer]
Simon: [Clary screams at the top of her lungs] What is it?
Clary: You didn't see that?

Klaus: [to Ben, about sobriety] Where has it gotten me? Nowhere. I can't talk to the person I love. People still don't take me seriously. I wanna be numb again.

Nathan: [Looking at Kelly] I'm guessing shoplifting...?

Kelly: Is that a sock? Ugh, it's crusty!
Nathan: Ahh, don't put it on my pizza!
Kelly: Why are you sleeping with a crusty sock in your bed?
Nathan: All right, yes. It's my wank sock.
Kelly: Oh no. Use some tissue!
Nathan: Ah, that requires planning, man, who's that organised?
Kelly: Oh, don't use a sock.
Nathan: Look, you've just knocked one out right? Poom-byo! You're lying there, you're feeling cheap and deflated, there's a pool of rapidly cooling spunk on your stomach. You're looking for something to mop up with. Oh hello, what's this? It's a sock. Job done, thank you.
Kelly: Maybe that's your power!
Nathan: I am very good at it!

Nathan: I'm not saying we have, but what would happen, hypothetically speaking, if it came to light that we may have killed one or two people? Probation workers and such... No one important.

Nathan: Oh come on, seriously? He was never going to fit in, what with all the caring about the environment and that. Better him than me.
Simon: You're immortal.
Nathan: ...Better him than one of you.

[Man] Jenkins, Harold.
Klaus: Yeah...
- Come on, baby.
- Money, money, money, money, money...
- Come on, come on!

Nathan: I'm getting really close to blowing my load, just hovering in the pleasure zone. And then BAM! All hell breaks loose. I tripled myself.
Laura: I'm not familiar with that term.
Nathan: You know, tripling. It's when you cum, puke and shit yourself all at the same time.

Nathan: There's only one thing young ladies should be inserting in themselves... and that's knowledge.

Nathan: I'm a classic example of an only child.

- You got me?
[chuckles] Oh!
- William Shatner. Amazing.
[groans] Oblivion.
Klaus: Oblivion?
- Hmm.

Nathan: Hey, hey, new guy! Sorry you got shot, man.
[Ollie swears at him]
Nathan: Hey, fuck you!
Curtis: What was that?
Alisha: He just got shot in the face, and you're insulting him?
Nathan: He made an obscene gesture! I don't care if he's dead; there's no excuse for rudeness!

Kelly: What did you do?
Nathan: Me? I was done for eating some pick n' mix.

[from trailer]
Simon: [after Clary screams] Clary! What is it?
Clary: You didn't see that?

Nathan: You alright?
Kelly: What?
Nathan: You're usually a whole lot gobbier than this.
Kelly: No, I'm not.
Nathan: Come on, you haven't punched me in a few hours. I'm worried about you.

Nathan: Someone left the keys in the ignition, but there's no point naming names at this stage; it's done now... So the probation worker's driving around with the stiffs in the boot of her car. Just thought you'd want to know.

Klaus: Oh.
- Oh, I see.
- It's gonna be one of those kinda nights, huh?
- So, are we burnin' or buryin'?
[Allison, echoing] Lheard a rumor...
- You killed your brother.

Simon: Do you want to go for a drink?
Nathan: Are you asking me out on a date?
Simon: No, I meant all of us.
Nathan: Did you? I am not your whore!

Nathan: I was such a loser. The drugs, the sex... All that fast food. I was so miserable.
Curtis: I hear you. You were such an annoying idiot.

Nathan: So, you're available.
Alisha: Not to you.

Vanya: Luther!
- Come back.
Klaus: Where you going?
Luther: Save it, Diego.
- No one leaves until we figure this out.
- Jeez_.
- When did the monkey learn how to fight dirty?
- Son of a bitch.

Diego: Wait up.
Allison: Hold it.
Klaus: Hey, everyone.
Luther: Excuse me.
- Good. We're all here.
- ♪ this is what you want this is what you get ♪ [lyrics echoing]

Klaus: Sorry for crashing your party.
- Okay, fine. Okay. Listen, we'll do it.
- -We'll try, okay?
- -Okay.
- Also, just like on a motivational scale of one to, like, Braveheart…
- -Yeah?
- -…this was like half a Rudy.
- -All right, notes later, pal. Notes later.
- -I thought you could probably do better.

Nathan: Don't take this in the wrong way or anything, but you look like a pantie-sniffer.

Nathan: Probably best to keep that kinda thing between you and your internet service provider.

[the gang gets instructions to sort children's clothes]
Ben: Okay, if you got any questions, just ask.
Nathan: [raising his hand] If a bear and a shark had a fight... who would win?

Nathan: Don't worry about me. I'll just die... again.

Nathan: Did you just recently grow a set of balls?
Simon: I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them.
Nathan: That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.

[from trailer]
Clary: Oh God, this isn't happening.
Simon: What are you looking at?

Nathan: Save me, Barry!

Nathan: I can advise him, teach him stuff.
Simon: Like what?
Nathan: Like, er... Does he know how to dance?
Simon: Do you?
Nathan: Well, I'll get lessons, 'cause that's what brothers do for each other.

- -[car crashes]
- -[Reginald] Faster.
- -[stopwatch clicks]
- -[gasps]
- -[Reginald grunts]
- -[Klaus strains]
- See? Never doubted you.
- Now you're ready.
Klaus: Ready for what?

Curtis: One of your followers killed my girlfriend.
Simon: You're exploiting the vulnerable.
Kelly: You're taking money off people.
Alisha: Sexually assaulting girls
Elliot: Hey, that's the Catholic church for you.
Nathan: Hey, he's got a point. When I was growing up in Ireland, if the priests weren't fiddling with you, you were one of the ugly kids.

- You are going out there...
- I'm not! Go away!
- Or I'm gonna beat you, and not the way you like it!
- That's my cue.
- Hey! Allison!
Klaus: No! Allison!
- Vanya!
- Vanya!

Nathan: Nice cardigan!

Simon: Do you want to come for a drink?
Nathan: Are you asking me out on a date?
Simon: No... I meant all of us.
Nathan: Did you? I am not your whore.

- Oh, man. See?
- You used to think I was an idiot.
- I still think you're an idiot.
- They're getting away.
- You're welcome.
- Shit.
- Get in the car. Oh...
- Was this all part of your master plan?
- Shut up.
Klaus: Hm?

- Oh!
Klaus: Oh! Please be money.
[Groans] Only money.
- Or... treasure.
- Diamonds.

Simon: Maybe we're meant to be like superheroes.
Nathan: You lot? Superheroes? No offense but in what sort of fucked up world would that be allowed to happen.

Nathan: This is a chance to network with other offenders. We should be swapping tips. Brainstorming.

Curtis: Go on then. Turn invisible.
Simon: I can't do it when everyone's watching me.
Nathan: So I guess it's like pissing at a urinal if you've got a tiny cock.

Klaus: Who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one?
[Looks at Vanya]
Klaus: In secret love with some farm Frau.
Vanya: Her name's Sissy.
Klaus: ...Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer.
Vanya: *What?*
Allison: Later.
Klaus: [Continues] Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch for a soldier I haven't technically met yet, and Luther is in love with his sister.
Allison: Okay, again, we are not biological.
Klaus: Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin.

Stan: This is so cool.
Reginald: I adopted them instead of you.
Klaus: Dad!
Reginald: I'm not your father, young man.
- Not anymore.
Stan: What is this?
[gasps] Whoa.

- Get off!
Ben: Ow!
- Aah!
- Have you showered?
Ben: Ow! Ow! Ugh! Ow!
Klaus: No!

Nathan: I'm pretty sure this breaches the terms of my ASBO.

Simon: So that's the famous cup everyone's talking about?
Isabelle: A replica. But yes.
Simon: You know, Jace has got a real chip on his shoulder.
Isabelle: You would, too, if you saw your father murdered when you were a child. If it weren't for him we'd be dead. He saved our lives more times than I care to admit. Right...

Simon: How did they find out about us?
Nathan: What? No, I didn't do anything. I don't think I did. I'm almost certain I didn't.

Nathan: Why is a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?

Nikki: You!
Nathan: Hi!
Nathan: Sorry about, ah, you know...
Nikki: Shittin' in my bed?
Nathan: Yeah. Wrong flat!

Mike: Don't be a wanker.
Nathan: Thanks for the fatherly advice. It makes me feel all warm inside.

Nathan: It's just so hard when you're so cute and I'm so horny and there's only a few thin layers of cotton separating our genitals

Nathan: There's only one thing ladies should be inserting in themselves, and that's knowledge.

Nathan: It's just so hard when you're so cute, and I'm so horny, and there's only a couple of thin layers of cotton separating our genitals.

Nathan: A bunch of young offenders develop superpowers and none of us think of using them to commit crime? Shame on us!

Diego: Where d'ya go?
Number: The future. It's shit, by the way.
Klaus: Called it!

Nathan: There is no going back now, man. You were just as screwed as the rest of us. You are black AND famous. You are probably more screwed!

- Five, you... you don't have to...
- I know. You owe me one, sis.
- Children ride in the back.
Klaus: Okay.
Allison: Whoa!
- Oh, Christ.
- Guys, I don't know what to say.

Nathan: George Michael gets away with this shit but he used to be in Wham. Who are you?

- Help him, Klaus.
Klaus: Luther!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
[Man] Get him off me, guys!
- Luther!
Klaus: Luther!
- Luther, help! Ow!

Nathan: We're a bunch of young offenders and not one of us knows how to steal a car? That is pathetic.

Nathan: Ok, ok let's just say you're right. If they actually knew anything, they wouldn't be dicking around sticking notes on lockers. They would have gone to the police, and we'd all be banged up in prison getting GANG RAPED in the showers!

Nathan: Two words: Fisherman's Friend.

Vanya: How do you guys deal with this?
Klaus: What?
Vanya: I mean, all of it. The time travel, seeing the dead, the end of the world.
Klaus: Well, I get really high.

Tony: [after the lightning strikes a car] That's my car!
Nathan: Classic!

Nathan: I always wanted to be a cheat. I'm just too disorganised. I struggle to remember one girl's name.

Nathan: The siren call of the blowjob renders all men powerless. That's how girls trick ya into marryin' them!

Nathan: I was staring into those big, beautiful eyes. He's like a... he's like a handsome shark.

Kelly: [in thick East Midlands accent] Ehm, wot makes ya thin' that yer better than ozz?
Nathan: What is *that* accent?
Alisha: Is that for real?
Kelly: Wot, you tryin' to say soomfin 'ou' it, then, yah?
Nathan: It's a -- are you -- that's just a noise! Are we supposed to be able to understand her?

Curtis: You're immortal - you can't starve to death.
Nathan: You're an expert, are you?

[Ben and Klaus] Yes!
Klaus: I knew it, I knew it.
- Hey, big guy. Awfully nice of you.
- Yeah, you're… you're welcome.
- Ooh! Whoa!
- Holy smokes.

Nathan: Did you just recently grow a set of balls? Nathan:
Simon: I've always had a set of balls. You just never seen them
Nathan: That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Nathan: I swear on my mother's life.
[Louise looks at him]
Nathan: ... On my life.

Sally: So, do you think that you have learned anything?
Curtis: Yeah. Don't get caught.
Sally: Fine... how do you think you have changed?
Nathan: I think I'm taller.
Kelly: They graffiti, and we clean it up. They graffiti, and we clean it up. They graffiti, and we clean it up. What is that about?

Kelly: So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad?
Nathan: I appear to have shat myself.

Nathan: Growing up in Ireland, if the priests weren't fiddling with you, you were one of the ugly kids.

Nathan: Him and his mum can come live with me at the Community Centre! I can get free food from the vending machines and I'll steel booze from the kitchen. I'll steal from other babies! I'll go to the park and forage for nuts and berries!
Nathan: You prick.

Luther: What are you...
Allison: What is that gonna do?
- I don't know.
- Do you have a better idea?
Luther: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Everyone get behind me.
- Yeah, get behind us.
Klaus: I vote for running! Come on!

Nathan: Maybe he knows I missed lunch.
[Curtis scoffs]
Nathan: What, you've got a better idea, have you?
Curtis: Anything would be better than that.

Nathan: George Michael gets away with this shit, but he used to be in Wham. Who are you?

Klaus: I just hate group break-ups. It's why I stopped dating twins.

Nathan: Who leaves a dead body lying around to be discovered? We never do and we're not exactly the most competent killers.

- -This one you gotta do alone.
- -[Klaus sighs]
- Alone?
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, I can do that, sure.
- Hello there.
Klaus: Yoo-hoo! Guten haben.

Nathan: [Falling off the community center rooftop] Save me, Barry!

Simon: We could rob a bank.
Nathan: Yeah, OK. Let's rob a bank.
Shaun: What's that?
Nathan: Nothing.
Shaun: Really? That's funny, innit? Because to me it sounded like you were planning on robbing a bank.
Nathan: No, no, no. I said "Let's have a big wank". Communal masturbation. The old circle jerk.

Nathan: Melon-fucker!

Nathan: Yeah, so my mum opens the door and she's like 'ahhhhh!' And I'm like 'I'm immortal!', and then she fainted, face plants on the radiator. There's blood and teeth everywhere.
Kelly: Is she all right?
Nathan: Yeah, she's fine. Apart from the whole... face.
Curtis: How did you tell it to your dad?
Nathan: I told him I faked my death as part of an elaborate life insurance scam. He was not a happy man.

Kelly: So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad?
Nathan: I appear to have shat myself.

Alisha: Why don't you go and suck yourself off?
Nathan: I wish I could. I can never reach it.

Nathan: Why'd you think I was always so mean to him?
Kelly: 'Cause you're a wanker.

Nathan: Didn't you say you wanted to piss on her tits? Best you keep that kinda thing between you and your internet service provider.

Nathan: Come on Barry, you're good at this sort of stuff. Think of something.
Simon: Who's Barry?
Nathan: ...You are.
Kelly: His name is Simon.
Nathan: Is it? I thought it was Barry. Sorry mate.

Louise: Why can't you just be happy for me?
Nathan: Because your boyfriend is some kind of psycho rough trade gay rapist werewolf!
Louise: Every man I meet. There's always a reason you take against him. It's like when you said Richard was sexually abusing you.
Nathan: It's nothing like that, this is true.

Nathan: Dad? Our Dad? Why was he in the boot of your car?
Jamie: 'Cause he's a twat!
Nathan: ...I think I'm going to need a little bit more information than that.

Nathan: [looks at the dead body in the freezer] ... Oh, hey, man. Cornettos!

Nathan: We have outfoxed the fox, which makes us very bloody foxy.

Kelly: Is he dead? I think he's dead.
Nathan: SHE'S STEALING YOUR PENSION!
Stan: Oh!
Nathan: Nah, he's fine.

Alisha: Don't speak to him like that.
Nathan: Why are you sticking up for him? Do you love him?

Nathan: If you ever hurt her, I'll take you up to the vet and have you put down.

Simon: What if we are meant to be, like, superheroes?
Nathan: You lot, superheroes? No offence, but in what kind of fucked-up world would that be allowed to happen?

Luther: No. He must have known something was going to happen. Look, I know you don't like to do it, but I need you to talk to Dad.
Klaus: I can't just call Dad in the afterlife and be like, "Dad, could you just stop playing tennis with Hitler for a moment and take a quick call?"

Nathan: Hey, no offense. A lot of people say I'm mentally ill but obviously I'm not, because I'm over here, and you're over there... with the other crazies.

- Aw, Jesus, Hazel!
Klaus: Jan says you're a real mensch, Hazel.
Klaus: He said you were such a great...
- No.no! No!
Cha: Now.
- Screw it.
Klaus: Oh...
Cha: Shut up!

Klaus: I love you! Even if you can't love yourself!

Alisha: [sees Simon filming] What? Do you want to have a look too?
Simon: [closes phone] No, thanks. I'm okay.
Nathan: [raises hand] Can I have another look?

- Oh! Oh!
[Whimpers] Thank you.
- Come with me.
Klaus: Okay.
[Woman] I'll take care of you.
Ben: Seriously, Klaus?
- J' sunnyj'

[Man] Go, go, go/
Klaus: We need a medic here/
- -da ve/ -[Gunfi re]

Nathan: I did... I can't believe I'm going to say this... I liked your attitude. I liked how you look, the way you scraped your hair back so that sometimes you looked a bit oriental. It worked for me. And your jewelry! You know, Argos has a bad press. Who says you can't buy an engagement ring and a George Foreman grill at the same time? Your makeup! This is probably better actually. Look, what I'm trying to say here is that it should have been a complete car crash, but it wasn't. It had attitude! Like you, it was you. And now you're not... you. I have never... should have left you back there. I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry.

Nathan: It's much easier to humiliate, degrade and just generally shit all over someone than it is to admit that you love them!

Simon: Jessica isn't a psychotic killer. She's a virgin.
Nathan: I knew there was something wrong with her!
Simon: There isn't anymore.
[Nathan looks shocked, than excited]
Nathan: I'm proud of you, man!
[Nathan hugs Simon]
Nathan: And I expect to hear every disgusting detail!

Curtis: You know what you said about "no matter what I do, the ones I love will be the ones who pay"? Is that from Spider-Man?
Nathan: I don't know. I was just trying to sound intelligent.

Sally: Gary and my colleague Tony were both reported missing. Their families are really worried about them. Have you seen anything unusual, anything at all?
[after a brief silence, Nathan raises his hand]
Sally: You saw something?
Nathan: A few days ago, I go into the toilets. Tony and Gary were in there. They're butt naked, Tony has Gary by his hair- like this- He's just doin' him. Doggy style... And Tony's like, "Ooo who's your daddy? I'M your daddy! I'm BIG daddy! Oh! Oh yeah, you like that? Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, I'm daddy cooool!" So I'm guessing they ran away to continue their illicit homosexual affair. And I ask you, in this world of intolerance and prejudice, who are- WHO are WE to condemn them?
[Sally walks off]

Nathan: You got any brothers?
Simon: A sister.
Nathan: Is she cute? You should think about getting me and her together. Hey, man. Someone's going to. Better it be a close friend. Someone you trust to be gentle, and respectful. Me.
Simon: [looks revolted] She's 12!
Nathan: Oh! Probably best to leave it a couple of years, then.

Nathan: You know, after the storm, did any of you feel like dead weird? Yeah, I had a strange tingling sensation in my anus.

- Are you kidding me?
[Five] All right, then.
- Let's get down to business.
Klaus: So, vanny, what's new?
- Hey, Diego.
- Can't say hi to nobody?
- Hi, Allison.
- What was that?
- Hi, Allison!
- Thank you!

Nathan: We're a bunch of young offenders. Not one of us knows how to steal a car? This is pathetic.

- Look, there's dad.
- What do we do?
[Five] Uh-oh.
- Yeah.
[Five] Agh.
- Oh, shit.
- Diego.
Allison: It's happening again.
Klaus: Oh, Jackie.

Nathan: Can we please stop killing our probation workers?

Nathan: What about you, weird kid? Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you look like a panty sniffer.
Simon: I'm not a panty sniffer. I'm not a pervert. I tried to burn someone's house down.

Shaun: They told me you were dead.
Nathan: Really?
[checks his pulse]
Nathan: Apparently not. Could a dead man do this?
[dances, hits his head on his locker]
Shaun: Well, I'll put you back in the system.
Nathan: What? I was out of the system? I was a free man? If I didn't show up, no one would've come looking for me?
Shaun: [shrugs] We thought you were dead.

- What the hell were you thinking?
Klaus: What do you care?
- What do I care? I needed it, you moron, so I could get back.
- I could start over.
- Just... just...
- Where you going?
- Interrogation's over, just...
- Leave.

Nathan: Love hurts, okay. It chews you up, and spits you out like a big ball of mucus.

- The holy wanderer has returned!
Klaus: Stay in the mansion.
[Man 1] Prophet!
- No! No, you guys should all stay in the mansion!
[Overlapping shouts] Prophet!
Klaus: Stay in the...
Klaus: Shit-sticks!
[Man] Right this way, sir.

Nathan: We're young. We're supposed to drink too much. We're supposed to have bad attitudes and shag each other's brains out. We are designed to party. This is it. Yeah, so a few of us will overdose or go mental. But Charles Darwin said you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. And that's what it's all about breaking eggs! And by eggs, I do mean, getting twatted on a cocktail of Class As. If you could just see yourselves! It breaks my heart. You're wearing cardigans! We had it all. We fucked up bigger and better than any generation that came before us. We were so beautiful! We're screw-ups. I'm a screw-up and I plan to be a screw-up until my late 20s, maybe even my early 30s. And I will shag my own mother before I let her... or anyone else take that away from me!

Nathan: You're making jokes now? Excuse us. You're creeping out of your weird little shell, I get that. Good for you. But let's get one thing straight: I'm the funny guy round here.

Nathan: [spoiler] You buried me alive, you dicks!

Nathan: I'm universally popular and well-liked. Why would anyone want to kill me?
Curtis: I can think of a few reasons.
Kelly: Shitloads.
Simon: You annoy people.

Nathan: I'm jealous of your neat hair... and that strange staring the ladies seem to love so much.

Nikki: Is it true you shit yourself when you die?
Nathan: That only happened once. And I've got a bucket standing by, just in case.

Allison: Lcouldn't speak for a year.
Klaus: Ooh.
- Ooh, I'm sorry, Allison.
Allison: No, it's okay.
- I actually really like who I am without it.
- Everything I have, I've earned, and it feels really good.
- You know?

- {gasps}
Klaus: Dave!
[Klaus, echoing] Dave!
[Klaus screams] Dave!
Klaus: Dave!
Klaus: Oh, boy...

Kelly: [in thick East Midlands accent] Ehm, wot makes ya thin' that yer better than ozz?
Nathan: What is *that* accent?
Curtis: Is that for real?
Kelly: Wot, you tryin' to say soomfin 'ou' it, then, yah?
Nathan: It's a - are you - that's just a noise! Are we supposed to be able to understand her?

Nathan: Ski wear. Classic. Try walking ten miles to the well in these.

Nathan: I'm no doctor, but you see the way the side of his head's all caved in like that...?

Kelly: You know after the storm, did any of you lot feel like dead weird?
Nathan: Yeah. I had a strange tingling sensation in my anus.

Nathan: I'm actually very surprised that it hasn't happened sooner. We haven't really been that careful.

Nathan: Did you just suddenly grow a set of balls?
Simon: I've always had a set of balls, you've just never seen them.
Nathan: That is about the gayest thing I've ever heard.

- Apparently, it's, like, a thing I do.
- Who knew, right?
- And look, look, look.
Klaus: It's… It's already healing.
- What would happen if we cut off your head?
- Would it grow two of you?
- Stan.
- Would it?

- Because that worked so well the first time.
Klaus: You got any painkillers, or could you just please shut up?
Klaus: Could you just keep it down to a dull roar?
- Do you think you could…
[Five] Hey, I found the sigil!
- -It's on the--
- -[glass shatters]

Nathan: Come on, Barry, you're good at this stuff. Think of something.
Simon: Who's Barry?
Nathan: You are.
Kelly: His name is Simon.
Nathan: I thought it was Barry. Sorry, man.

- You don't have to join to become a man.
Brian: Hit the queer.
Klaus: Don't sacrifice yourself.
- Hit him, damn it.
- 'Cause I love you.
Brian: Hit him!
- I love you.
- Hit the queer!
- And I know there's a day you'll love...
Brian: Hit him! Hit him!
- Oh!

Nathan: [about graffiti which says 'I am going to kill you'] I'll tell you who did it; it's that Banksy prick. There's a hidden meaning.

Jace: [introduces himself] Jace Wayland, demon hunter.
Simon: Ah... Simon Lewis, Keymaster. Are you the Gatekeeper?
Jace: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Curtis: [Nathan wakes up out of the coffin] What the fuck?
Nathan: You should see the looks on your faces. Classic! Hey guess what? I'm immortal! Can you believe this shit? I've told you I had a power. Oh, looks like they saved the best for last, huh? Immortality... that's off the A-list.

Kelly: What if there's loads of people like us all over town?
Nathan: No, that kind of thing only happens in America. This will fade away. I'm telling you, by this time next week, it'll be back to the same old boring shit.

Klaus: Come on! You don't...
- Maybe I just wanna hang out with my brother.
- Not you.
- /ll/li hermano/
- I love you!
- Even if you can't love yourself!

Nathan: We should probably go for a drink.
Marnie: Swap some funny stories.
Nathan: See if we have similar tastes, and interests.
Marnie: Overcome some emotional hurdles.
Nathan: Have a few huge rows!
Marnie: [shouting] What did you do, you stupid prick!
Nathan: I-I'm sorry baby. I-I-I didn't know we where exclusive, and she had massive tits. It will never happen again!
Marnie: We'll make up, and before you know it, I have trapped you in a serious relationship.
Nathan: [laughing] That would be the conventional way to do it.
Marnie: There is just one problem.
[glancing at her stomach]
Marnie: I can't drink.
Nathan: So... I guess we should skip all that other stuff, and get straight down to the shagging.

- I would rather chew off my own foot.
[Woman] Let's go, Kenny.
Diego: If I was going to date a man, you'd be the last man I would date.
Klaus: You'd be lucky to get me.
- How the hell did she find me?
- May I?
- Please.

Nathan: Save me, Barry!

[Whispers] Shit. Shit.
Luther: Whoa!
- Whoa!
Klaus: Catch me! Catch me! Catch me!
- Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
[Whispers] Oh, thank god.

- Why? How do you do it?
Klaus: We've been to seven bars, three strip joints, and a laundromat.
- Luther's not here. Can we go home now?
- Would he give up on you?
Klaus: Uh...
[Woman] That's the biggest hairy guy
- I have ever seen.

Beverly: Excuse me, you can't just help yourself to anything you fancy. This is not a buffet; that's theft. I could have you arrested for that.
Nathan: Really? For eating some pick 'n mix?

Curtis: What happened?
Nathan: We were doing our community service... our probation worker flipped out. Just... just went crazy and... and he killed them.
Curtis: How come you survived?
Nathan: They said I was half-dead when they found me. Guess I'm just lucky.
Curtis: [realises] I didn't stop him.

Nathan: I mean, I was there, right? I should have one of these bullshit powers.
Kelly: You can have mine. Wanna hear what people are thinking about you?
Nathan: Not so much, no. I want something good, you know, something from the A-list.

Nathan: [thinks] He completes me.
Kelly: Er, that's from Jerry Maguire.
Nathan: I know. I watched it four times last night. It's like he's Tom, and I'm Renee, and somebody else is that weird speccy kid.

Kelly: I was a horrible chav. I didn't like who I was.
Nathan: I did... I can't believe I'm going to say this... I liked your attitude. I liked how you look, the way you scraped your hair back so that sometimes you looked a bit oriental. It worked for me. And your jewellery! You know, Argos has a bad press. Who says you can't buy an engagement ring and a George Foreman grill at the same time? Your make-up! This is probably better actually. Look, what I'm trying to say here is that it should have been a complete car crash, but it wasn't. It had attitude! Like you; it was you. And now you're not... you. I have never... should have left you back there. I shouldn't have left you, I'm sorry.
[He kisses her on the cheek]
Kelly: Kelly: That was really inappropriate.

Nathan: Get the bodies!
[throws a brick at Sally's windshield]
Sally: What the hell are you doing?
Nathan: It's just pure, mindless vandalism!
Sally: What is the matter with you? Are you mentally deficient?
Nathan: If I were mentally deficient, I would have missed. Check that out. Bullseye!

Nathan: It's a shame more women don't commit crime.
Curtis: Why is that?
Nathan: The way I see it, we're a girl short.
Curtis: How's that?
Nathan: We're three and only two of them.
[to Simon]
Nathan: And I'm not being funny, but I'm guessing you drew the short straw. It looks like one of us is going without. Bad luck.

Nathan: I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by.

Nathan: See it must be physically impossible. Cause if men could suck themselves off, then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.
Kelly: This is why people kill you.

Nathan: Go on, then. Do it. Turn invisible.
[Simon clenches his fists and strains, but nothing happens]
Nathan: My God! He's disappeared!
Simon: Can't you see me?
Nathan: No!
[throws can directly at Simon's forehead]
Nathan: You're invisible!

Jace: Next time, it might be a nice idea to mention that you already have a man in your bed, so we can avoid such uncomfortable situations.
Simon: You invited him to bed?
Jace: I know, it's ridiculous, isn't it? We would never have all fit.
Clary: I didn't invite him into bed. We were just kissing.
Jace: How swiftly you dismiss our love.

Nathan: Do you expect me never to see my mum again? Who's gonna do my washing? Huh? You've not thought this through.

Nathan: Listen, I'm telling you, Mom. He was out there running around naked like a wolf boy.
Louise: What's a wolf boy?
Nathan: It's a boy, raised by wolves. You know, little hairy kid in Siberia. We watched it on the Discovery Channel.

Jake: [Confronting him] Come on, man. Why'd you do it?
Duncan: Well, you know well what us lowly scientists get paid. Take that a thousand times.
Jake: What difference is it gonna make? If you don't stop, there's not gonna be a planet to spend it on.
Duncan: Please. We're gonna keep all the best bits. Aren't you a little bit curious to watch the world burn?
Jake: No. 'Cause millions of people are gonna die. And one of them's my daughter.

Simon: We should set up a password that we can say to each other so we know it's us.
Nathan: 'Monkey slut'!
Alisha: We're not having 'monkey slut' as a password.
Nathan: What are the chances of that being brought up in a normal conversation? Kinda low, no?

Nathan: Nice cardigan!

Nathan: [Discussing a plan for dealing with the Virtue group] Come on, Barry, you're good at this stuff. Think of something.
Simon: Who's Barry?
Nathan: You are.
Kelly: His name is Simon.
Nathan: Is it? I thought it was Barry.

Klaus: They're gone like a fart in the wind.

[from trailer]
Simon: [to Clary] What are you looking at?

- -♪ / love you ♪
- -[Overlapping murmurs]
- Now, steady. Hands off!
- Just let go... just...
- Form an orderly...
- Destiny's children!
Klaus: Let us all commune with music.

Kelly: Why don't you come round my house, and I'll cook you dinner?
Nathan: What are you cooking?
Kelly: Chicken nuggets.
Nathan: Oh, I didn't realise you were a trained chef.

- -Yeah.
- -Would you pass the moo shu?
Klaus: I don't know.
- Doesn't it seem kind of rude that Dad unadopting us didn't change anything?
- -I'm offended.
- -Hold up.
- -[Five] I never said that, Klaus.
- -I'll be right back.
Klaus: How are we gonna know where it changed?

Mike: We're not so different, you know.
Nathan: We're completely different. I'm gracefully tall, you're freakishly short.
Mike: Where do you get this stuff?
Nathan: I don't know, it just comes to me. I have a gift.

Simon: You expect me to tell you anything after how you've treated me? After all the names you've called me?
Nathan: What names?
Simon: Weird kid. Panty sniffer. Virgin. Freak. Twat. Pervert. Paedophile... Melon fucker! I just want to be your friend.
Nathan: Sure, man.

- She might be the devil.
- I mean, I don't know. Who's to say?
- I don't know which is which.
- You are marvelously deranged.
- Sit.
- Sit. Come, tell me everything!
Klaus: Okay.

Jocelyn: Jesus!
Simon: No, just me.

- Jesus, Ben.
- What the hell did you just do?
- I think I was...
- Inside of you.
Klaus: Ugh.
- I'm sorry.
- We've caught you in the middle of prayer.
- Dave?
- Jill.

Nathan: It's not like this situation is backed up by a wank-load of logic.

Nathan: I'm no good at this serious girl stuff, feelings and shit. I fancy you!
Kelly: Fanks

Klaus: Le petit mort, le petit mort.
Allison: What? You don't speak French.
Klaus: It's "the little death."
Klaus: Oh, wow. Look at this old stuff.
- Oh, wow.
- I know this is impossible, but...
- Did we all get sexier?

Nathan: Whatever happens, we can't let the new guy find out about our powers.
Kelly: What do we do if he does find out?
Simon: We kill him... I'm joking.
Nathan: You're making jokes now? Excuse us. You're creeping out of your weird little shell. I get that. Good for you. But let's get one thing straight; I'm the funny guy round here.

Louise: You've broken his nose!
Nathan: It's not like you can enter him in Crufts.

[Marnie is in labor]
Nathan: How does it feel baby?
Marnie: It feels like my cunt is being ripped apart!
Nathan: I'm no expert but that sounds normal.

Stan: Whoa! This is so cool.
Klaus: Hey, come on. Chop-chop, Stan.
- Gotta go see a man about a buffalo--
[groaning] Oh shit.
Klaus: So these weren't near-death experiences.
- These were actual-death experiences.

Ute: Let me introduce to your team.
Duncan: Oh, of course, an American.
Jake: Actually, my brother and I were born in in the UK, but thank you.
Duncan: Yeah, but you've got the old Stars and Stripes on your arm there and a cowboy look in your eye. Oh, no offense.

- You're using her as a distraction, aren't you?
- Our best chance to incapacitate Vanya.
- Oh.
- She'll thank us later.
Klaus: So, what's the plan?
Luther: Uh, you wait out front.
- What?
- Yeah, you're the lookout.
- The lookout?

Nathan: It's a cruel senseless waste. A young man taken from us in his prime, leaving us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, knowing that he's gone forever. So maybe we should have the rest of the week off, you know to cry, and grieve, and remember our dear friend...
[points to Simon]
Simon: Ollie.
Nathan: ...Ollie! Dear beautiful Ollie!

Nathan: C'mon, man, it all adds up. Do the maths.
Simon: There is no maths
Nathan: Right. She was here, plus no-one else was around. Times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked. Divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us. Equals guilty.

Shaun: I know women. I know what they're like.
Nathan: Is that because you used to be one?

Kelly: Is this a wind up? Is this you?
Nathan: If I was trying to wind you up, I think I'd be a little more creative. "I know what film you saw last summer". If I wanted to freak you out, I would've dug up the body and stuck that in your locker.

Isabelle: This place is full of demons.
Luke: That's impossible. The Institute is hallowed ground.
Simon: No one seems to have told them that.

Nathan: Uuuugh. I don't know what is going on with my guts. It's all hot-cross buns and Easter eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.

[last lines]
Nathan: Save me, Barry!