Top 1000 Quotes From Dr. Gregory House
Jason: What about an X-Ray or something?
Dr. Gregory House: Good idea. Oh, damn. Left my CT machine in my other pants.
Dr. Gregory House: FYI, my malpractice insurance doesn't cover alien autopsies.
Samira: That's fine. X-files are the next wing over.
Dr. Gregory House: Even a drunk with a flair for the dramatic can tell himself he's an angel.
Dr. James Wilson: Her?
Dr. Amber Volakis: Oops.
Dr. Gregory House: Kutner was secretly a woman. That's why he killed himself... it's Amber.
Dr. James Wilson: Your subconscious picked my dead girlfriend?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. My irrational part of my brain works like the rational part of yours. How about that?
Dr. James Wilson: Of all the people in the world you've hurt.
Dr. Gregory House: Not everyone has a name that's so easy to find in the White Pages.
Dr. James Wilson: Uh, I'm in there. So's Cuddy.
Dr. Gregory House: And yet I picked him. It's funny isn't it?
Dr. James Wilson: Yes, it's hilarious. Great to see what a success your therapy was.
[Wilson leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: We said we'd never go to sleep angry.
Dr. Gregory House: The only thing we know for sure about Jane Doe is that her name isn't Jane Doe, which means no medical history.
Dr. Gregory House: I RSVP'd two days ago. What? Do you think I'm a complete ass?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Cuddy walks away. Then stops and turns around] If you were already going why did you - ?
Dr. Gregory House: Foreplay.
Overweight: The two of you used to be together?
Dr. Gregory House: [sarcastically] She dumped me when I lost the last 85 pounds. Said there was less of me to love.
Dr. Robert Chase: House, you should relax. You had surgery this morning.
Dr. Gregory House: Minor surgery, removing a drain.
Dr. Robert Chase: Put there during major surgery.
Dr. Gregory House: My doctor says it's okay as long as I don't leave my hospital bed.
Dr. Chris Taub: Which doctor was that, Seuss or J?
Dr. Gregory House: Nurse!
Nurse: Dr. Hourani wrote it in his chart.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I'm surprised he approved it.
[pause]
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I'm more surprised you actually asked.
Dr. Gregory House: I do things like that now. I'm making some changes.
Dr. Gregory House: I've been an idiot. I got this argument stuck in my head. If everybody lies, then trust is not only unfounded and pointless, it's... fictional. But trust is not an argument that can be won or lost. Maybe I just have to suspend my cynicism and believe. Maybe it's time I took a leap of faith. I'm sorry. I won't lie to you again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Thank you.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Jackson's parents] You gave birth to a freak of nature. Doesn't mean it's a good idea to treat him like one.
Dr. Gregory House: You ever noticed how many porn sites have "mom" in the domain name? Hot moms, hungry moms, mature moms. That ought to make you feel pretty good
Dr. Gregory House: [talking to his team about the patient] If there's one thing Castro knows, is how to look great in green. And if there's two things Castro knows, is how to look great in green and train doctors. Even without the medical records, we can assume she was drowned in antibiotics before she risked drowning to see me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: So, what doesn't Castro know?
Dr. Gregory House: How to lay his hands on high tech scanning equipment.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It's like white noise, it's very peaceful.
Dr. Gregory House: Four, five, six novels and no music--what does that mean?
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's literate.
Dr. Gregory House: It means she spends her leisure time reading, not listening. She'd only go to listen to jazz if the other person wants to go. She has a martyr complex, issues of inferiority.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Wilson] Tell House the patient is about to kill the doctor.
Dr. James Wilson: She says the patient...
Dr. Gregory House: I heard. What've you got?
Dr. James Wilson: Well, Cuddy just raised and uhh...
Dr. Gregory House: You're paired.
Dr. James Wilson: What?
Dr. Gregory House: Nines?
Dr. James Wilson: [looks shocked and looks around to see if House is standing behind him] How do you know?
Dr. Gregory House: Anything lower, you wouldn't sound so excited. Jacks or higher, your voice sounds like Debbie from accounting is sitting in your lap.
Dr. Jessica Adams: Very interesting practice you must've run. No need for tests. No need for proof. Where are you going?
Dr. Gregory House: Proof store.
[to Cameron]
Dr. Gregory House: Foreman and Chase's lips are not gonna get so close, now that I know your plan.
John: [observing House take his pills] How many of those pills you takin'?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm in pain.
John: [after a pause] Yeah. Aren't we all?
Dr. Gregory House: They don't call it a stress test for nothing.
[last lines]
Dr. Gregory House: Can you believe what Cuddy tried to pull?
Dr. James Wilson: What now?
Dr. Gregory House: She lied to me. She cured my patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it.
Dr. James Wilson: That doesn't sound like her.
Dr. Gregory House: You're right. Does sound like you, though.
Dr. James Wilson: What exactly did Cuddy tell you?
Dr. Gregory House: Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So - what was the plan? I'd feel so humbled by missing a case that I'd re-evaluate my entire life, question the nature of truth and goodness and become Cameron?
Dr. James Wilson: Something like that. More that if we told you the truth, that you'd solved a case based on absolutely no medical proof, you'd think you were God. And... I was worried your wings would melt.
Dr. Gregory House: God doesn't limp.
Dr. Wilson: How do you know she needs a heart transplant?
Dr. Gregory House: I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.
Dr. Gregory House: This better be important.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You've gotta come back in.
Dr. Gregory House: No, I don't.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Margo's stable, but...
Dr. Gregory House: Oh my God! I'll be right there!
Dr. Gregory House: Condoms. He has focal limb paralysis.
12: His legs got paralyzed by a condom?
Dr. Gregory House: No, by cocaine. Was inside the condom, is now spreading through his digestive tract.
Sour: [doesn't like the graphic description] Eww.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think he's a mule.
Dr. Gregory House: I think he's a jackass. We're gonna have to operate.
12: [enthused] Cool.
[to Adam's parents]
Dr. Gregory House: He has a cigarette burn on his wrist. Also a fading nicotine stain between two fingers. Bad news, your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news, he's trying to quit. Bad news, quitting is killing him. Good news, I can cure him. Bad news... no, that's the end of it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You did something for which she's grateful and you're... embarassed?
Dr. Gregory House: For you. She saw you coming and thought you were a 14-year-old boy. I set her straight.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I am not telling you what went wrong... or right. Until you tell me why she said "Thank you."
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, you got me. You know I need to know. I am so gonna fold. Except you're forgetting there's one thing I can do now.
[looks over Cameron's shoulder. She glances in that direction and then House runs in the opposite direction]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [about Wilson] When was the last time you talked to him?
Dr. Gregory House: I think it was after... when did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. Considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to tread on your turf.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Worried because House hasn't discouraged his teenage stalker] You've seen her breasts?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart. It went, "Greg-House, Greg-House, Greg-House."
Dr. Robert Chase: Lab results from the black ooze. You're not going to believe it.
Dr. Gregory House: She pooped out of her mouth.
Dr. Allison Cameron: The sample contained stool and digested blood. How did you guess?
Dr. Gregory House: 'Cause it oozed; if it was in her stomach it would have sprayed, if it was in her lungs she would have coughed. This oozed, as in squeezed, as in reverse peristalsis. Who's hungry, Mexican takeout?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson about Amber] You don't like strong. You don't like assertive. You like needy. She's not dying is she?
Dr. Gregory House: [When House gets himself out of bed after surgery and Cameron tries to stop him] I'm talking to Cuddy.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Lie down. You've got to be in pain!
Dr. Gregory House: Not today. Today, I'm on morphine.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [as she follows House] You're gonna rip your stitches out.
Dr. Gregory House: Check Harpo's trash.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Forget about the patient!
Dr. Gregory House: Come on, you're curious. Trash. You don't know what I'm talking about, but you know it's good.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You can't just be walking around.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, then, stop me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You've lost blood...
Dr. Gregory House: Physically, stop me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You could damage...
Dr. Gregory House: You can't because that would involve physically touching me and then things would get so sexually charged. I'm twice your size. Get your hands off me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Anica] She didn't even read the consent form for the pancreatic biopsy.
Dr. Robert Chase: Who reads those things?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Maybe she didn't read it because she knew there was nothing wrong with her. There is another explanation for the Cushing's. Maybe she injected herself with the ACTH. Her behavior suggests Munchausen's. She's had four hospitalizations in the last four months.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to nothing being wrong with you.
Dr. Allison Cameron: She's had zero symptoms since she got here. The scarring on her pancreas could be caused from injecting herself with a benzene and setting off the seizures.
Dr. Gregory House: She's had brain surgery. You can fake a stomach ache. You can't fake a brain tumor.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You can fake an invisible one.
Stacy: Our relationship's like an addiction. It's... like...
Dr. Gregory House: Really good drugs?
Stacy: No, it's like vindaloo curry.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, sure.
Stacy: Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red chili peppers.
Dr. Gregory House: I know what it is. I didn't think it was addictive.
Stacy: You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. When you're crazy about curry, that's fine. But no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you never wanna see curry for a really, really long time. But you wake up one day and you think... God, I really miss curry...
Stacy: You're a jerk.
[House is discussing a patient's status]
Dr. Gregory House: Tox screen was clean. He did, however, get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He was shot?
Dr. Gregory House: No, somebody threw it at him.
Dr. Gregory House: Inamrinone was a stupid idea, unless you wanted me to get that girl in the elevator.
Dr. James Wilson: Aww, I wouldn't do that.
Dr. Gregory House: Wouldn't respect you if you did.
[House's cane breaks, and falls down]
Dr. James Wilson: Wow, looks like somebody... filed halfway through your cane while you were sleeping.
Michael: I don't wanna sue you.
Dr. Gregory House: Good.
Michael: I want to beat the crap out of you.
Dr. Gregory House: Less good.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron, who's leaving room] If you need a sperm sample, come back without the needle.
Dr. Gregory House: This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them AND make tasty snacks.
Dr. Gregory House: [to all 3 of his staff] There's only one thing you can say to keep me from firing you!
Thirteen: Cameron wasn't fired.
Dr. Gregory House: Wrong!
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] Your disdain for human interaction doesn't exculpate you, it inculpates you. You sign the charts, you're responsible for everything Chase does.
Dr. Gregory House: Which is why this doesn't matter. She protects Chase, she protects me.
Dr. James Wilson: Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up.
[fakes an Australian accent]
Dr. James Wilson: "I'm so sorry, if only Dr. House had paid attention. He'd never even met her. He never does."
Dr. Gregory House: Chase loves me and isn't Turkish.
Dr. Gregory House: She seems so dumb. But when the pressure was on, she knew what had to be done and she did it.
Nick: They're talking about sending me home. To what? A life where I'll continually drive away anyone who might for a second care about me?
Dr. Gregory House: Those are the breaks.
Dr. Gregory House: Too bad that Cameron quit. I could use an immunologist right now.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson after Jeremy refuses the treatment] Great job. Why don't you just shoot him in the head?
Dr. James Wilson: Hold on, that gives me an idea. You know what could save this couple? Lots of misdirected sarcasm.
Dr. Gregory House: They're dead. Yelling at you might prevent you from screwing up like this...
Dr. James Wilson: I didn't screw up! I did my job.
Dr. Gregory House: Your job was to get the biopsy.
Dr. James Wilson: No, it was to present the patient with his options.
Dr. Gregory House: Two options: biopsy or no biopsy. He chose a third: no treatment. How do you even do that?
Dr. James Wilson: Remember when you used to just weave elaborate conspiracy theories about my love life? Those were such good times.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] You are not listening to me, are you?
Dr. Gregory House: Try it some time. You'll see why.
[on the phone while Wilson is getting arrest]
Dr. Gregory House: Make it fast; I don't want to miss the anal cavity search.
James: It's lonely, isn't it?
Dr. Gregory House: It's not that bad.
James: Then you're not that smart.
Dr. Gregory House: [yells] I need more pills!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No! You are on a reasonable...
Dr. Gregory House: What the hell does "reasonable" mean?
[Alice's heart rate and blood pressure go up and her monitor beeps]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Keep it quiet. Her BP reacts to stress and yelling is not go...
Dr. Gregory House: You think that I'm not in pain, then don't give me anything. Keep me away from the aspirin. If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Fine, you need more pills! You're not getting them. You can have the aspirin you want.
[House walks out of the room]
Dr. Eric Foreman: I say we draw straws. Loser drives out to Trenton, scores him an 8-ball.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry I didn't take your case.
Nash: Me too.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where did you come from?
Dr. Gregory House: Apes, if you believe the Democrats.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, don't you think that's a little manipulative?
Dr. Gregory House: No, it's hugely manipulative.
Dr. Gregory House: Be not afraid. The forest nymphs have taught me how to please a woman.
Dr. Gregory House: Be not afraid, Wilson. You took risks for your art.
Taylor: Be not afraid.
Cafeteria: Be not afraid.
Dr. Gregory House: [Wilson is at his desk in his office writing letters and putting them into envelopes. House enters the room] Wanna go throw stuff on people off the balcony?
[Wilson ignores House]
Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, mail can wait.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm referring my patients to other oncologists. I'm shutting down my practice.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, good. I was afraid you'd overreact.
Dr. James Wilson: [angry tone] I can't just ask my patients to wait because Dr. Cameron's boss won't let her come out and play!
Dr. Gregory House: Kept you waiting for maybe an hour.
Dr. James Wilson: [yells] 3 hours!
Dr. Gregory House: Anybody die?
Dr. James Wilson: Not this time!
Dr. Gregory House: Well, Cameron's available now. Use her all you want.
[sits on the couch]
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, so now's a better time for me to have my life taken away if it fits into your schedule better?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, poor you. Think if you suffer loudly enough...
Dr. James Wilson: [screams] YOU COMMITTED A CRIME!
Dr. Gregory House: What do you want me to do? Turn myself in?
Dr. James Wilson: YES! YES! Do something! Go in! Show some remorse! Tell Tritter you'll get some help!
Dr. Gregory House: I don't need any help.
Dr. James Wilson: House, get out of here. Get out of here.
Dr. Gregory House: You're not gonna make me feel guilty about what Tritter's doing... to us.
[gets up to leave]
Dr. James Wilson: [laughs humorously] You already feel guilty. Your serious shoulder pain isn't coming from your cane, it's coming from your conscience, and that used to be enough. Despite all your smart-ass remarks, I knew you gave a damn. This time, you were either gonna help me through this or you weren't. I got my answer.
[House leaves; Wilson continues his work]
Dr. James Wilson: Yes, I forgot. I need a reason to give a crap.
Dr. Gregory House: You're giving two craps.
Dr. James Wilson: The metric system always confuses me.
Dr. Gregory House: [Dr. House is seeing a patient whose skin is orange, seeking treatment for back pain] Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair.
Orange: What?
Dr. Gregory House: You're *orange*, you moron! It's one thing for *you* not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed colors, she's just not paying attention.
Dr. Gregory House: I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House] Can we talk?
Dr. Gregory House: What, no roses, no chocolates?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What's that smell? Onions? Peppers? Oh, I know. It's a sausage-fest.
Dr. Gregory House: Sausage-fest implies multiples. Now if you're talking yardage, I'd have to agree.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm talking about your department. You still haven't replaced Thirteen.
Dr. Gregory House: It's coming along.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You've had plenty of time to find someone.
Dr. Gregory House: I've found plenty of someones, just haven't kept them.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's time to end the cycle. Meet your new team member. Her name is Martha M. Masters.
Dr. Gregory House: This doctor is not a doctor.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out the time before med school getting PhDs in both applied math and art history.
Dr. Gregory House: Should be incredibly useful if my next patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: This isn't a suggestion.
Dr. Gregory House: Just because my sausage has been filling your bun doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No. I get to do that because I'm your boss.
Nick: You could operate.
Dr. Gregory House: You could die.
Nick: So I'm either better or I'm dead? I'm okay with that. I've always been kind of a... an impatient guy... But I've worked hard to keep my mouth shut. Made my wife happy, made my little girl happy. I want that back. Otherwise it's no life.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're an idiot. What do you do the next time one of your patients needs a liver transplant?
Dr. Gregory House: Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens.
Dr. Gregory House: You were married before - 1987 for six days. Your knowledge of New Jersey divorce law made me suspicious, so I looked it up.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So this was all your trap.
Dr. Gregory House: Uh, trap's primitive. I prefer "inveiglement." Anyway, the point is, I lied to you. You lied to me. I forgive you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: ...Well played.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson who is sitting in his car, crying] Look at you. You don't wanna die.
Dr. James Wilson: [through clenched teeth] Of course, I don't wanna die!
Dr. Gregory House: Well, then fight.
Dr. James Wilson: I did! I tried.
Dr. Gregory House: One time.
Dr. James Wilson: House, get out of my car.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't have to just accept this.
Dr. James Wilson: Yes, I do have to accept this. I have five months to live, and you're making me go through this alone!
[sobs]
Dr. James Wilson: I'm pissed because I'm dying, and it's not fair. And I need... I need a friend. I need to know that you're there. I need... I need you to tell me that my life... was worthwhile, and I... I need you to tell me that you love me.
Dr. Gregory House: [with tears in his eyes] No. I'm not gonna tell you that unless you fight.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You owe me fifty bucks.
Dr. Gregory House: Then you owe me half a lap dance.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Two sick babies is very sad, but it doesn't prove an epidemic.
Dr. Gregory House: How many do?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She's not a crack baby.
Dr. Gregory House: No, mother's perfectly healthy. She just had to give up the baby in order to continue her work on the human genome.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She confessed to some past meth use.
Dr. Gregory House: What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting. This is a mistake.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because a kid you don't know may have some problems you don't know about that she may have passed on to a kid?
Dr. Gregory House: Because you're a control seeking narcissist. Which is fine, good even in some jobs. But you're not equipped to handle a real kid, never mind a factory second. Where are you meeting her?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: In a little place called "Follow me and your urologist will be buying himself a new yacht."
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I can handle this alone.
Dr. Gregory House: You've already handled it. That's why you need a chaperone. Of course, I'm a very permissive, understanding chaperone. So feel free to ignore me. You know, if you're in the mood to start kissing, or groping, or showering.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: You'll have to excuse Dr. House. He mistakes immaturity for edginess.
Dr. Gregory House: What do teenage boys do in the morning - besides... the obvious?
Dr. Gregory House: [to another patient in during a group session] Cut your wrists, huh?
Dr. Beasley: Greg, there are certain topics...
Dr. Gregory House: Oh! I'm sorry. Is suicide taboo? Gosh, Have I broken a rule on my first day? I will kill myself.
Dr. Beasley: Group's over!
Dr. Gregory House: Do the things, the, you know, blah blah blah blah blah, all that stuff the other docs did. If that's negative, ultrasound his belly. If that's negative, CT his abdomen and pelvis, with and without contrast. Did I miss anything?
Dr. Robert Chase: Kitchen Sink?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You want us to dissect eight years of medical history with grunting in the differential?
Dr. Gregory House: Sounds good. Call me when you're done.
Dr. Gregory House: Dr. Foreman. I assume you found the kid.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He almost walked off the roof.
Dr. Gregory House: Suicidal?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No, he thought he was on his lacrosse field. Look... look, I was just gonna run home, shower, change...
Dr. Gregory House: Conscious?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah.
Dr. Gregory House: How'd you talk him down?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Actually. Chase tackled him.
Dr. Gregory House: How come YOU didn't do it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [laughs ironically] Right, well, I am black, but he was closer.
Dr. Gregory House: Who finished the animal crackers? If you finish something, don't just put back the empty box, throw it out!
Dr. Gregory House: If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Make it two.
Dr. Gregory House: Bitch.
Dr. Gregory House: Hi. I'm Dr. House. My boss says you're important. Personally, I don't get what's so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty. Arms out in front of you! Palms up, like you're holding a pizza. Close your eyes.
Emma: It's so easy you should consider a career change. Probably make a lot more money.
Dr. Gregory House: Dr. Mackman tell you the clot was clear?
Emma: Yes.
Dr. Gregory House: He said that you and the fetus are fine?
Emma: Yeah.
Dr. Gregory House: He didn't mention your pronator drift.
Emma: What's that mean?
Dr. Gregory House: It means Mackman is an idiot! May I?
Emma: Yeah.
Dr. Chris Taub: [to House about treating Arlene] So what do we do?
Dr. Gregory House: We switch her meds. We get a solution of broad-spectrum antibiotics, stick it in an I.V. bag marked for prednisone. Kaufman can only be there a few times a day. Tell Arlene you're from the pharmacy, switch 'em out.
Dr. Eric Foreman: This is nuts. This is way too complicated.
Dr. Gregory House: It's hanging an I.V. bag!
Dr. Eric Foreman: If the attending doesn't know what she's on, the risk of drug reaction...
Dr. Gregory House: What risk? We know how he's treating her. We bugged the room.
Dr. Eric Foreman: This is not about information! We're talking ethical and legal violations on a scale that should make even you puke!
Dr. Gregory House: She's dying!
Dr. Eric Foreman: That doesn't mean we should all go to jail to save her! You're losing control because... this is your girlfriend's mom.
Dr. Robert Chase: You gonna run this by Cuddy?
Dr. Gregory House: No. She said to keep her out of it, do what we need to do. Look, I know what I'm suggesting is completely screwed up. That's because this situation is completely screwed up. Do it or you're fired.
Dr. Richmond: Her heart won't stop racing, no idea what's causing it.
Dr. Gregory House: Sure it wasn't the bus that landed on her?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Any idea why we're getting half as many requests for you as usual?
Dr. Gregory House: Democrats' health care plan?
Dr. Gregory House: Decisions are never made in a vacuum.
Dr. Gregory House: Would you ever be extra nice to a theoretical boyfriend if you were really mad at him?
Martha: I guess the only reason I would be extra nice is because I'm angry, and I just want him to go away so I don't have to deal with him anymore.
Dr. Gregory House: [thinking about Cuddy] You passive-aggressive bitch!
Martha: You just asked me...
Dr. Gregory House: [to Thirteen] You have a genetic defect, you choose to ignore it. This woman has a genetic defect, chooses to butcher herself to be safe. Yet what you claim to be fascinated by, is her honesty. Interesting.
Thirteen: You claim to want the truth and then you screw with people who actually live by it. Pathetic.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't get the whole May-December thing.
Dr. Gregory House: Give him a break. It's May-October at worst.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, why can't it be October-October?
Dr. Gregory House: May is when things start to get hot.
Dr. James Wilson: House, I'll be up in 5 minutes. Then we can talk about how you'd rather be in a coma than in rehab.
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, if you could be up here in 2, that'd be really helpful.
Dr. James Wilson: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Cause I'm about to put myself into insulin shock.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: [House is holding a cat and smoking a cigar] What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: "No, Mr. Bond - I expect you to die."
Dr. Gregory House: [gasps at Cuddy] Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra!
Dr. Gregory House: [Talking to Cuddy] What do you got against chickens? One of them got choked last night because of you.
Dr. Gregory House: Look that way.
[points to the side]
Joy the Blonde: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Because you're going to throw up, and I don't want it on me.
[she throws up]
Lee: I never thought I'd be praying for a brain tumor, but please, dear God.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Lee] If you're praying in there, stop it right now.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I want to be able to tell her this happened to other people and they're fine now.
Dr. Gregory House: So tell her!
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not going to lie to her.
Dr. Gregory House: Little late for that.
[the elevator door starts to close. House stops it with his cane]
Dr. Gregory House: You need to wait. Because if this thing doesn't go away, she's going to need you to still have a medical license.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a UFO: Unidentified Flowing Orifice.
Michael: [to House] I spoke with the DA. He agreed to two months in a rehab facility in exchange for a guilty plea.
Dr. Gregory House: Get out of my office.
Dr. James Wilson: No jail time.
Dr. Gregory House: Right, so I should get locked up in some place I don't belong in order to avoid getting locked up in some other place I don't belong.
Dr. Gregory House: You know me, hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
Dr. Gregory House: There are no cars coming, just go.
Rachel: The light is red, you bloody scallywag.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Stop with the pirate talk.
Dr. Gregory House: If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, you should get your ma to move this ship, ye mangy bilge rat.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Of course. You showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a 3-year-old watch that?
Dr. Gregory House: If you wanna lecture me on my poor judgment, there would seem to be more relevant examples.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House about Crandall] So why were you friends with this guy?
Dr. Gregory House: We were 20 years old. He had a car. If he had been a woman, I would have married him.
Dr. Robert Chase: You can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth.
Dr. Gregory House: Where's his mouth been?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He says he hasn't performed oral sex on anyone in over a year.
Dr. Gregory House: Selfish bastard!
Dr. Gregory House: More interesting than evens versus odds. Less interesting than shirts against skins... If your sex organs dangle, you're the Confederates. If your sex organs are aesthetically pleasing, you're the Yanks.
Dr. Gregory House: What's gonna happen here is that someone's getting a buttload of morphine. I'm not sure exactly who at this point.
Dr. James Wilson: [walking with House down hallway] Maybe your father's feelings were conditional. Not everyone's...
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, well, of course that would play into your romantic vision of human...
Dr. James Wilson: In terms you would understand, we have an evolutionary incentive to sacrifice for our offspring. Our tribe, our friends. Keep them safe.
Dr. Gregory House: Except for all the people who don't. Everything is conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions.
Nick: That's Nicol . She lives at her mom's now on account of she lost her job. Her mom hates me so... She can't visit. She ain't accepting my calls.
Dr. Gregory House: That's what happens when you date a 12 year old.
Nick: You don't believe me?
Dr. Gregory House: Belief implies a level of giving a crap, that I am never going to achieve.
Dr. Robert Chase: [about Kelly] She was nervous. Give her a break. Oh, and she's not like Cameron.
Dr. Gregory House: True. Cameron had much smaller breasts, by which I mean she was smarter.
[House is dismissing Wilson's attribution that a Christmas miracle has occurred]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ. He's got enough nails in him.
Thirteen: You're a coward! You need to know everything because you're afraid to be wrong. You're so afraid of being ordinary, of being just another doctor, just another human being that you'll risk other people's lives.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm arrogant. You're the coward. You're terrified of death. You just want to cheat it by making it come sooner, gives you the illusion of control.
Dr. Gregory House: [when he walks in on Wilson doing a breast exam on a patient] Relax, I'm a doctor. Your spectacular breasts mean nothing to me.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Her gastric bypass procedure could cause...
Dr. Gregory House: Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.
Dr. Chris Taub: Should we treat her like a 60-year-old Asian man too? She's not fat.
Dr. Gregory House: Not on the outside, but on the inside, she's still tons of fun.
Dr. Allison Cameron: There's more to being a leader than being a jerk!
Dr. Gregory House: The world will never know.
Dr. Gregory House: [to his mother] It's great to see you.
Blythe House: Oh, Greg. Don't lie.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You put him on Lupron?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh-huh.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And you told them it was like milk?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Is there any way in which that is not a lie?
Dr. Gregory House: It's creamy.
Dr. Gregory House: Stop that Jew!
Dr. Gregory House: I created a case. I played nice because, I was in a good mood because I didn't hurt.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You don't need your pain to be a good doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not interested in good.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're afraid to be happy.
Dr. Gregory House: Why do you care if I'm happy?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're afraid of change. The one thing you have is your intellect. You think if that's compromised, you have nothing.
[offers House some methadone]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Just take it.
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't do this.
Dr. Gregory House: [throws the methadone in the trash] It's already done. This is the only me you get.
Nurse: I've planned a surprise getaway.
Dr. Gregory House: Get away.
Nurse: Uh hmm.
Dr. Gregory House: Get away.
[Wendy stares]
Dr. Gregory House: Get. Away.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] You are the most naive atheist I've ever met.
Dr. James Wilson: Dying's easy. Living's hard!
Dr. Gregory House: That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded.
Dr. Gregory House: Why did you choose me?
Eve: There's something about you. It's like you're hurt too.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] If you're broke I can loan you a tiny bit of the money I owe you.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [to the Team] Can I talk? She said that they never had kids, and you all *jumped* to infertility. You never considered the other option.
[House ends the call]
Dr. Gregory House: And the bitch is back!
Dr. Eric Foreman: He paged us at five in the morning for that? I'm going back to bed, distonia's not life threatening, who needs a panel to take care of it...
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's already on conilizopan - for seizures he has from a bus accident when he was ten.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then we treat with Benstrupine.
Dr. Robert Chase: [enters] What's up?
Dr. Allison Cameron: 35 year old savant, distonia.
Dr. Robert Chase: Pfft. I'm going back to bed.
Dr. Gregory House: [appears] Where're you going?
Dr. Robert Chase: Bathroom. It can wait.
Dr. Eric Foreman: There is no case, House. Even if distonia was some big medical mystery, it's not this time.
Dr. Gregory House: [shocked] You're not intrigued as to how a perfectly healthy ten year old boy with no prior musical training gets into an accident on his way to school and can suddenly play the piano?
[Chase reaches across for the bag of breakfast, House takes it with his cane]
Dr. Robert Chase: We have to solve a 25 year old case before breakfast?
Dr. Gregory House: [looks at Chase and Cameron and their wet hair] You two shower together?
Dr. Allison Cameron,15139: NO!
Dr. Gregory House: [looks at Foreman] Double negative. It's a yes.
[Foreman stares at Chase and Cameron]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [about the patient, Alice] She's six. Six-year-olds don't get gallstones.
Dr. Gregory House: So, she didn't have pancreatitis?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Your theory is an invisible gallstone?
Dr. Robert Chase: His theory correctly predicted the pancreatitis.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to Chase] You might wanna wait until he actually tell us his theory before you start kissing his theory's ass.
Dr. Gregory House: [talking to a patient who likes to sue doctors, but now needs one] It's ironic, isn't it? Sort of like the boy who *sued* wolf. You know, I bet we have a doctor here named Wolf. How perfect would that be? I'm gonna page him.
Dr. Gregory House: Seizures are cool to watch, boring to diagnose.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Allergic reaction to the floroquinolone.
Dr. Robert Chase: We should switch her to a different antibiotic.
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Dr. Robert Chase: We can't treat the salmonella unless...
Dr. Gregory House: Salmonella? That was a total stretch.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Man, why does that sound so familiar? You think it's 'cuz I said it an hour ago?
Dr. Gregory House: Then, it was a dumb thing to say. Now, it's smart.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Taub] Why did you take this job?
Dr. Chris Taub: [about the patient] He's got a bulging cyst...
Dr. Gregory House: You had a perfectly good plastic surgery practice... lots of money.
Dr. Chris Taub: [ignoring House] Fluids aren't draining properly...
Dr. Gregory House: The temptation to come screw with me just too much for you? There's got to be a better reason.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] You just don't want a cancer diagnosis because then you'd have to deal with Wilson.
Dr. Gregory House: Lung cancer is a lame diagnosis. Avoiding Wilson is an added bonus.
Dr. Gregory House: I need you to sleep with Wilson.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [incredulously] Good morning.
Dr. Gregory House: Who told you that it would be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] Where are you going?
Dr. Eric Foreman: To put her in a phenocoma.
Dr. Gregory House: What if I'm wrong? What if Daddy's the drunk?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Do you want us to give her the pheno or not?
Dr. Gregory House: I want him to argue his point!
Dr. Eric Foreman: I assume you considered the father and ruled him out.
Dr. Gregory House: What's that saying where you assume, you become a pain in the ass to me?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Why should I argue? You'd just overrule me.
Dr. Gregory House: Enough! Get a pony or a watermelon farm!
Dr. Allison Cameron: House!
Dr. Gregory House: I need him to react. I need him to act like a human being. I need him to get over this boring, near-death rebirth.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I have changed. It's not something you get over.
Dr. Gregory House: Nearly dying changes everything forever. For about two months. Two months is too long, I need the guy I hired back now.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No matter how much your misery loves company, it's not getting mine.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I need you to wear your lab coat.
Dr. Gregory House: I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.
Dr. Gregory House: The only time to strike back is when I want something. All I want now is to get things back to normal. Which I can't get by escalating. The only way to win this war is to lose it. Let her punch herself out.
Dr. Gregory House: [sees cane store owner brought out] Bitchinnnnn...
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: And I broke in here because Cuddy and Wilson both separately asked me to.
Dr. Gregory House: Even more logical.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] You're gonna make a great mommy one day.
Martha: So what do we do now?
Dr. Gregory House: Considering the fact that I'm about to do something unethical...
Martha: Oh right, yeah. I'm fired.
Jeff: Ow.
Dr. Gregory House: You're healed. Rise and walk.
Jeff: Are you insane?
Dr. Gregory House: In the bible they just said, "Yes, Lord" and then start right in on the praising.
Dr. Gregory House: What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?
Dr. Gregory House: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex, right? So he can't be pregnant.
Dr. Gregory House: Is the ant big and red, or small and black?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Medium and brown.
Dr. Gregory House: Halle Berry brown or Beyonce brown?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Is there a difference?
Dr. Gregory House: [sarcastically] Is there a difference?
[House uses nail clippers to remove part of his father's earlobe while feigning grief over the coffin]
Dr. James Wilson: [whispering] Put it back.
Dr. Gregory House: Well he's not going to miss it.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm done enabling. You can't even let them put him in the ground without making it serve your agenda?
Rebecca: I just want to die with a little dignity.
Dr. Gregory House: There's no such thing! Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it! I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass... it's always ugly - ALWAYS! You can live with dignity; we can't die with it!
Dr. Gregory House: You don't have cancer.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You don't have dwarfism.
Dr. Gregory House: You have no proof of that.
Dr. Gregory House: [after watching the completed documentary] Suddenly I don't feel I can trust Michael Moore movies.
Dr. Gregory House: [examining a baby whose mother isn't vaccinating him because she feels it's a scam; House takes the child's stuffed frog] All natural, no dyes. It's a good business - all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend on research and development. And the worst that a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get 'em in frog green, fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for six months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove 'em wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up forty bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop REALLY fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.
Milton: I prepared the sarcophagus for you.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you, Igor.
Milton: It's Milton.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] Hypothetical: if I'm offered oral sex from a sexaholic, do I have to decline? Don't answer yet. Saying no will cause both of us pain. Saying yes will cause both of us pleasure.
Dr. Gregory House: She thinks that you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Because you didn't kill anybody. I did. She blames me for Dibala's murder, not you.
Dr. Robert Chase: You were barely involved in that case. She knows that.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, but I created the big bad evil climate that allowed it to happen.
Dr. James Wilson: Two people are happy and your natural impulse is to destroy it.
Dr. Gregory House: How do you know she's happy? She tell you?
Dr. James Wilson: No. Chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.
Dr. Gregory House: Why the lack of afterglow? Physiogirl not as freaky as you'd like?
Dr. Chris Taub: I went home with my wife.
Thirteen: [Thirteen sighs] After all that, you chickened out.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] Uh, I need you to spread your legs so I can do an "H."
Dr. Allison Cameron: Can't be lymphoma. LDH is normal.
[about Cuddy]
Dr. Robert Chase: You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been... nasty.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good.
Michael: [to House] Just take a swab and get it tested, OK?
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. Already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots.
Dr. Gregory House: I need some help with Alice Tanner. She wants a vagina.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm pretty attached to mine.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] You're being an idiot. You're gonna blow up your career. And six months from now, when you've moved on from Amber to burnt sienna, you're gonna be stuck in a mobile oncology truck in Pewaukee, Wisconsin.
Dr. James Wilson: I'd need a flow chart to explain all the ways in which that was ridiculously insensitive.
Dr. Gregory House: You can't hide from misery.
Dr. James Wilson: This isn't your business.
Dr. Gregory House: My skull was cracked open trying to save her!
Dr. James Wilson: Then we all need a little tea and sympathy. I'm through discussing it.
Dr. Gregory House: You've gotta get down here. They've got a satellite aimed directly into Cuddy's vagina. I told them that chances of invasion are slim to none but...
Dr. Eric Foreman: We need to remove the eye.
Dr. Gregory House: It's her only working eye.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We could remove the other one, but since it's not killing her, I thought this way was less insane.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] Oh, I get it. You're trying to get me to prove you wrong, then I'm going to be nice to all my patients all through the holiday season and then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's porridge. I'm totally on it.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah. That actually is what I'm trying to do and the pathetic part is, it's not gonna work.
Dr. Gregory House: You're right. I gotta stop being such a jerk.
[takes Wilson's dessert]
Dr. Gregory House: Oops, kind of undercut myself there.
Dr. Gregory House: [about Leona] So, what is she, Foreman? Light-skinned black chick or dark-skinned white chick?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not sure. Can we hear the music again?
Dr. Gregory House: [to patient with psychosomatic ailment] Gotta go. People dying. The whole "circle of life" thing.
Dr. Gregory House: Three cavemen see a stranger running towards them with a spear. One fights, one flees, one smiles and invites him over for fondue. That last guy didn't last long enough to procreate.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [after House has ordered tests] By myself?
Dr. Gregory House: Without yourself.
[to the team]
Dr. Gregory House: Grab a bat.
[to Cameron]
Dr. Gregory House: Grab some pine. Time to bring in the first string.
[the team leaves]
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: You obviously want to be here. But I can't figure out why. I want to see where you go when you can't be here.
Dr. Gregory House: Why did I fire you again?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You didn't. I quit.
Dr. Gregory House: You lie to your mother?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Only since I was twelve!
Dr. Gregory House: I saw somebody dying.
Dr. James Wilson: You saw 30 people flying into glass and metal.
Dr. Gregory House: I saw a symptom before the crash.
Dr. James Wilson: You're concussed. You don't know what you saw and you don't know when you saw it. A week ago, you noticed a symptom in a soap star.
Dr. Gregory House: Bad argument since I was right about that.
Dr. Gregory House: [breaking up an argument between Dr. Wilson and Dr. Foreman] Okay, you two, grab some scalpels and settle this like doctors.
Dr. James Wilson: I just need a change of scenery.
Dr. Gregory House: Buy a plant!
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're a hypocrite! If our job is to find out what's killing patients, you'd help this kid. But you'd rather play mind games to prove you're the only one with magical powers.
Dr. Gregory House: You wanted something all your own. Now you've got it.
Jack: I don't wanna hear semantics.
Dr. Gregory House: You anti-semantic bastard.
Dr. Gregory House: [on adoption] They explained the returns policy, right? It's worse than video games.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I really do have to leave.
Dr. Gregory House: I know.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What's the problem?
Dr. Gregory House: This isn't gonna work.
Dr. James Wilson: Sounds like you had fun last night.
Dr. Gregory House: You believe Chase?
Dr. James Wilson: I believe Foreman. And they had fun with you. What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: I realized they could be my friends.
Dr. James Wilson: You're serious?
Dr. Gregory House: And then I sobered up.
Dr. Gregory House: I could stay here with you.
Dr. Amber Volakis: Get off the bus.
Dr. Gregory House: I can't.
Dr. Amber Volakis: Why not?
Dr. Gregory House: Because... because it doesn't hurt here. Because I... I don't want to be in pain, I don't want to be miserable. And I don't want him to hate me.
Dr. Amber Volakis: Well... you can't always get what you want.
Dr. Gregory House: [about the patient and his father] Are these people completely incapable of telling the truth to each other?
Dr. Gregory House: [House is skeet shooting and keeps missing and is referring to a clay target he can't hit] Well, that one clearly took evasive action.
Luke: You're a doctor?
Dr. Gregory House: Own my own stethoscope.
Dr. Chris Taub: [to House] I need to know if there's anything medically relevant that you couldn't share publicly.
Dr. Gregory House: Is this a Philanderers Anonymous intervention?
Dr. Chris Taub: You were obviously drinking last night. Maybe you took Amber to a bar.
Dr. Gregory House: I left here on my motorcycle alone.
Dr. Chris Taub: You ended up drunk on a bus together. Maybe you met Amber in the bar.
Dr. Gregory House: I was not having an affair with her.
Dr. Chris Taub: You can't really say that if you don't remember.
Dr. Gregory House: I lost 4 hours, not 4 months.
Dr. Gregory House: How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our patients, either.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: True, better be true and you're a pig.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Masters] So you'll lie when it doesn't matter, but you won't when it does. How'd you get so screwed up?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House] You wanna remove your patient's skull.
Dr. Gregory House: Remind me to revoke Kutner's telephone privileges.
Dr. Weber: You cannot test this on an abnormal brain.
Dr. Gregory House: That's so close-minded. He's not abnormal, he's special.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Mary] Pregnancy causes all kinds of chemical and biological changes in a woman's body. Or a girl's body, as the case may be. In extremely rare cases, everything goes haywire. It's called TTP. Blood starts clotting like crazy, clogs the vessels in your brain and kidneys. Red blood cells end up getting shredded as they squeeze past the clot like a fat guy in a crowed bar. I'm sure you know what that's like. You're only 12, but you're all grown up, right? Travel on your own, hang out in hotel rooms, getting room service with your teammates. Maybe someone sneaks in a couple of beers, you start playing spin the bottle. Next thing you know, you're waking up with nothing on but your socks.
Mary: It wasn't like that.
Dr. Gregory House: Of course not. You wanted it.
Mary: Yeah, I did. He turned out to be a jerk, but...
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, under New Jersey law, the term is "felon."
Martha: You can pretend you wanted me to lie, but you didn't. You want the people on your team to challenge you, otherwise you'd just be a bully instead of a great doctor. You hired me because I don't compromise my principles.
Dr. Gregory House: *Or* I want a front row seat when you wake up and realize how useless your principles are. I don't want you to just lie to a patient. I want you to want to lie to a patient.
Martha: It's not gonna happen.
Dr. Gregory House: See you tomorrow.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't care what anybody says. I care what they do. Right now, Blackpoleon Blackaparte has got the nurses on red alert, I can't get into the patient's room. So come on, I'll draw the enemy fire, you outflank them, get in there, get the bone marrow sample.
Dr. Gregory House: So I hope I didn't weird you out with giving you that gift.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Can we talk about this later?
Dr. Gregory House: Of course... Is now later?
Dr. Robert Chase: [to House] This kid is not Esther. You screwed up, she died. I'm sorry, but that does not mean this kid is dying as well.
Dr. Gregory House: Geez. You get testy when you don't get any fuzz.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pay attention to me!
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you.
Dr. Gregory House: [sings] Forget your troubles, come on get happy. You better chase all your cares away. Shout hallelujah, come on get happy. Get ready for the judgment day. The sun is shining, come on get happy. The load is waiting to take your hand. Shout hallelujah, come on get happy. We're going to the promised... land.
Dancer: [Chorus] We're heading across the river. Wash your sins away the tide. It's all so peaceful on the other side. On the other side.
Maddy: [to House] I'm 4' 1". That's 1.5 canes in metric.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't look a day over four feet. I saw in the file that her dad was normal size.
Maddy: It's average-sized.
Dr. Gregory House: Compared to you, I'm sure he was huge. Did he have a fetish or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul?
Maddy: He grew up in the circus. Said I reminded him of home. Seems like you're the one with the fetish.
Dr. Gregory House: Certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?
Dr. Allison Cameron: House!
Maddy: Pretty much, he laid flat and spinned me.
Abigail: Mom...
Dr. Eric Foreman: We should send her outside.
Dr. Gregory House: Right, just tell her to head north until she runs into a hospital.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] Do you have any other neurological symptoms?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't think so.
Dr. James Wilson: Aphasia?
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. James Wilson: Memory loss?
Dr. Gregory House: Nope.
Dr. James Wilson: Irritability?
Dr. Gregory House: [snaps at him] Yeah, that one!
Lee: [about House] This guy's a doctor?
Dr. Gregory House: There's also Navy Seal House, but you're going to have to save up for that one.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Eddie] Bad news. Love can't save you. On the other hand, mold can.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] I ordered black coffee this morning and got cream. Everybody screws up.
Dr. Robert Chase: They didn't put poison in your coffee.
Dr. Gregory House: I've seen you hungover. You weren't the day you blew his sister's diagnosis.
Dr. Robert Chase: What does it matter why? Is she less dead if I have a good excuse?
Dr. Gregory House: If I thought you'd screwed up because you were drunk, I would have fired you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: A little part of me...
Dr. Gregory House: There is no little part of you.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Dr. Terzi] Wanna ditch Dr. Killjoy and hop on the company jet? A little trip down Mexico way? I'm not talking about the country or the plane.
Dr. Samira Terzi: You think acting like an idiot and talking about sex works on girls?
Dr. Gregory House: Well if it didn't, the human race would have died out long ago.
Dr. James Wilson: So your philosophy is, if they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat, but if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I can't do this.
[leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: Drama queen.
Mark: He wouldn't kill himself.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I'm wrong. You obviously have a better understanding of this man who drools in front of your TV set 24 hours a day.
Caren: Dr. House?
Mark: He... he must've been confused, all right? It must have been an accident.
Dr. Gregory House: I hope it was a suicide attempt. If he was trying to kill himself, then he knows how miserable his life is. It means there's still something there to kill. It means your dad's still there.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] When you were under hypnosis, you were talking to Amber?
Dr. Gregory House: I wanted to see her naked.
Dr. James Wilson: Seriously, what were you hiding?
Dr. Gregory House: I want to see her naked.
Dr. James Wilson: You want to see everyone naked. Why would you hide that?
Dr. Gregory House: His history said the environmental kamikaze was single.
Franni: He um, he probably didn't want me to worry. He told me he was in jail with some of the other protesters.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. No worries there.
Dr. Gregory House: You idiot.
Dr. Samira Terzi: Who are you calling an idiot?
Dr. Gregory House: Whoever knew that John was stationed in Brazil, not Bolivia.
Dr. Samira Terzi: Brazil?
Dr. Gregory House: [House turns and faces Agent Smith] Well, then, I guess I'm talking to you, idiot.
CIA: It's the same region. It's the same parasites, same diseases...
Dr. Gregory House: But not the same language. In Bolivia, chestnuts are chestnuts. Brazil, on the other hand, has castanhas-do-Pará. Literally, "chestnuts from Pará." Because it would be stupid for people from Brazil to call them Brazil nuts!
CIA: So he ate Brazil nuts. Big deal.
Dr. Gregory House: No, he ate a lot of Brazil nuts which is a big deal, because they contain selenium - which in high doses causes fatigue, vomiting, skin irritation, discharge from the fingernail beds and hair loss. Any of that sounding familiar?
CIA: Can you treat it?
Dr. Gregory House: We've already started. Treatment's chelation, same as for radiation sickness. The only difference is it works a lot better on nut poisoning.
CIA: So what's the problem?
Dr. Samira Terzi: [to Agent Smith] You're an idiot.
Dr. Robert Chase: [about the patient] We trached him, endoscopically removed the probe and he's breathing again. So, all in all, great idea.
Dr. Gregory House: Get a look at the pancreas before the world ended?
Dr. Eric Foreman: It was clean.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Which means barring anything else, meaning you, he can go home tomorrow.
Dr. Gregory House: This man nearly died. How can you discharge him?
Dr. Allison Cameron: His throat collapsed because of what we predicted.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You stick something down someone's throat, they gag, spasm which he did. It took us a half an hour to get that thing out.
Dr. Gregory House: Except that our patient's throat was sedated which means the brain should have sent a signal not to do anything. This could be cancer, or some bizarre neuro-degeneration, even a new type of vasculitis...
Dr. Allison Cameron: Stop it.
[stands in House's way]
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're enjoying this.
Dr. Gregory House: I find it interesting.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It's interesting only if you're right. If you're wrong, we're torturing this guy to amuse you.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] Meet you in the cafeteria in 10. There'll be a corndog with your name on it. I mean an actual corndog. They fixed the deep fryer.
Dr. James Wilson: Amber is exactly what I need and you would agree if you weren't mired in self-loathing topped with a thin crust of megalomania.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, that's my best friend's girl you're talking about.
Martha: [to House] Julie doesn't have smallpox.
Dr. Gregory House: Did I just dream the part where I finally agreed it was smallpox? Well, if what I thought was reality was actually a dream, then the reverse... oh, my God. I had a threesome with Beyonce and Lady Gaga.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: Have you gotten anybody *else* mad at you?
Dr. Gregory House: Well yeah. That's why I call it an ordinary week.
Dr. Gregory House: Let her vomit through the MRI. That's what nurses are for.
Dr. Gregory House: It's impossible.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Apparently not.
Dr. Gregory House: Live hearts don't stop for no reason. Dead hearts don't start for no reason.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Apparently they do.
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's three hours off bypass and still stable, and the pain has gone.
Dr. Gregory House: No, it's not.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You think that she's lying about feeling better?
Dr. Gregory House: Just 'cos it's not there now doesn't mean it's gone.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Just because it was there before doesn't mean it's coming back.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Are you teaching commitment classes? 'Cause I thought you were too busy with your lectures...
Dr. Gregory House: Lecturing that is going to be hysterical. Let me just give you the Cliff Notes. Don't try to dump him by dumping cases on me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I told you I never wanted to dump Chase!
Dr. Gregory House: Absolutely. You want him to dump you! It's totally different, much less guilt. Either way you're out of reasons to avoid him. Kutner was a pretty dumb one to begin with.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, let's just say your anti-depressant theory does explain the fever. What about the heart? And don't say a building fell on her.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay.
[clears his throat]
Dr. Gregory House: A structure collapsed.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Shut up!
Dr. Gregory House: Come on, it fits.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [on the phone] Bad time? Where are you?
Dr. Gregory House: At your girlfriend's place. Ignore the moaning and squeaking.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Foreman] He should be a part of this.
Dr. Gregory House: He's a patient.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's not irrational...
Dr. Gregory House: He's not objective.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's got the most motivation to get this diagnosed.
Dr. Gregory House: Right. You're not even friends with him. Why would you care?
Dr. Gregory House: Can't take the case. I don't have a team.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So hire a team!
Dr. Gregory House: What for? I don't have a case!
Ms. Urwin: Wait. So you tried to fix your relationship by stealing her computer?
Dr. Gregory House: ...Well, when you say it like that - yes.
Female: Looks like you're the moron.
Dr. Gregory House: [about a couple's baby] She's doing better.
Rachel: Oh, thank God.
Dr. Gregory House: Technically, Alexander Fleming. He developed antibiotics.
Dr. Chris Taub: Why are we even discussing this case? She lied to us. She's opened us up to malpractice.
Dr. Gregory House: Our practice opens us up to malpractice.
Ramona: Hi. I'm having vaginal pain.
Dr. Gregory House: Pleasure to meet you.
Dr. Gregory House: You think it's gonna come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause, actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem: it's wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop. Big stuff? You're gonna rip something, which, speaking medically, is when the fun stops.
Jerry: How did you...?
Dr. Gregory House: We've been here for half an hour. You haven't sat down; that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is; that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved under your arm; that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemorrhoids. I've been a doctor twenty years, you're not gonna surprise me.
Jerry: It's an MP3 player.
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: Is it... is it because of the size, or the shape, or is it the pounding bass line?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I say we assume House was right about the anaphylaxis...
Dr. Gregory House: It is tempting.
Dr. James Wilson: We can't do exploratory surgery on her brain.
Dr. Gregory House: Are you sure you're not a neurologist?
Dr. Gregory House: [trying to talk Chase into a depraved bachelor party] You are going to commit to that one special woman forever which is beautiful, but if your commitment the day after the wedding is the same as your commitment the day before, then the wedding meant nothing. So - and I see no logical way around this - if you want your marriage to matter, you have to be a wanton, trolling, muck-covered pig the day before.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're evil. See ya.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook.
Dr. Gregory House: It's never lupus.
Dr. James Wilson: You stole my patient.
Dr. Gregory House: You kidnapped my guitar.
Dr. James Wilson: Give him back.
Dr. Gregory House: Only when you give her back.
Dr. James Wilson: It's a she?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, it's certainly not a dude.
Dr. James Wilson: It's a guitar! You took a human being!
Dr. Gregory House: Now who doesn't have a sense of humor?
Della: Cold's nothing when I think of what Hugo goes through everyday.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. I get it. Your brother - the saint. His sister - the martyr.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not for long, he wants to be discharged!
Dr. Gregory House: Of course he does. Places to go, people to eat!
Dr. Gregory House: [while House is searching frantically through a patient's hair for a tick] Time course is perfect. Bite itself sets off an allergic reaction, venom takes four days to kick in, heart's vulnerable, hits that first. Then a day later, sets off the ascending paralysis.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.
Dr. Gregory House: They are until you find them!
[holds up the comb]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh no, that's dandruff. Okay, well, that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time it'll be even better.
Ramon: This doesn't mean God doesn't exist, it just means he's truly merciful. My beautiful Marisa was right, God is all about love.
Dr. Gregory House: Punishment is proof of God and no punishment is proof of God. Ingenious argument.
Ramon: Faith isn't an argument.
Dr. James Wilson: I could set up a tower on the roof during a lightning storm, help you switch brains with your patient. Then you would be the brilliant pianist, and he would be the doctor hiding brain cancer from his friend.
Dr. Gregory House: It's nothing.
Dr. James Wilson: You need to talk about it.
Dr. Gregory House: You need to talk about it.
Dr. James Wilson: At least let me look at your medical file.
Dr. Gregory House: You're making a big deal out of nothing. Who else knows?
Dr. James Wilson: No one, and cancer isn't nothing.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, didn't mean to offend your specialty.
Dr. Robert Chase: Foreman's not going anywhere.
Dr. Gregory House: He said that to you?
Dr. Robert Chase: He doesn't really want to leave and you don't really want to let him. You'll cave. Just like you did with Cameron.
Dr. Gregory House: Foreman's not as easy as Cameron, but of course, who is?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [sternly] I'm in the room.
John: You've caused me considerable mental distress.
Dr. Gregory House: I certainly hope so.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Taub and Park after Wilson has threatened to drug and kidnap House to force him to go with Wilson somewhere] If you get an ear in the mail, it's probably mine.
Dr. Gregory House: Good news! Think we know what the problem is.
Esteban: [indicating his wife's improved condition] You mean was.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, it's my first language, not yours. If she wants to outlive Castro, we need to fix her heart.
Dr. Gregory House: [gets a page while in coma-guy's room] Death-row-guy is dying.
Dr. Gregory House: [scratching head] Aren't therapists supposed to be nurturing?
Dr. Darryl Nolan: Nowhere
[pause]
Dr. Darryl Nolan: does it say that in the manual.
Dr. Gregory House: [When House checks out Cuddy's butt after he drops his Vicodin and Cuddy bends down to pick it up] Oh. My. God.
[Cuddy looks at him]
Dr. Gregory House: You're not wearing underwear.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Of course I'm...
Dr. Gregory House: Skirt that tight, you've got no secrets. Skirt that tight, I can tell if you've got an IUD. You seen Dr. Cole?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: You're blushing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am not.
Dr. Gregory House: Look at me.
[Cuddy looks up at him for a second and House looks into her eyes as he grabs the pills from her]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh! My! God!
[to Cuddy]
Dr. Gregory House: Relax, I have just the thing to cheer you up... we're being sued!
Dr. Gregory House: [searching Cuddy's house for the cause of her handyman's illness]
[holds up a thong]
Dr. Gregory House: Does this count as red?
Dr. Robert Chase: [to House] You're incapable of human connection, so you want everyone to be like you.
Dr. Gregory House: If I wanted you to be like me... I would be urging you to make a stupid, stubborn decision that blows up your life and leaves you lonely and miserable. You reassess your life when you've made mistakes. You didn't. You just got stabbed.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: [the supposedly psychic cat has just lain down next to a coma patient] Hey look at Debbie.
Dr. Gregory House: [looking at the patients chart] Good news Mr... Limpert. When you *don't* die tonight, you will finally have done something good for the world. As opposed to your life as a...
[looking at the chart]
Dr. Gregory House: fireman...
Dr. Gregory House: If he had a brain, he wouldn't be tending bar.
Dr. Wilson: Would you mind at least putting a napkin under your jelly toast?
Dr. Gregory House: Get a table, and I won't eat on the couch.
Dr. Wilson: Yes you will.
Dr. Gregory House: But I won't have a good excuse.
Dr. Gregory House: I think I'm going blind.
Dr. James Wilson: Hairy palms too?
Dr. Gregory House: She said something idiotic again and I didn't even notice it. Foreman had to point out that it was idiotic. She's making me an idiot.
Dr. James Wilson: It's cute, you have a crush.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] Dead baby, while sad, not our problem.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Confirm she's faking or I'm going to have to kick her out.
Dr. Gregory House: There's that voice again.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'll give you 24 hours.
[Cuddy leaves]
Dr. Gregory House: Consecutive?
Dr. Gregory House: It's not going to work though.
Dr. James Wilson: Maybe, but how bad can a night out at a lesbian bar be?
Dr. Gregory House: You manipulative bitch. You're not suddenly eating healthy because you want to. You're eating healthy because you know I don't want to! I've been mooching food for ten years. Now either it suddenly started bothering you this week or you're...
Dr. James Wilson: Screwing with you. It needed to be done. After Amber died, I withdrew, tried to change everything, hoping I'd sort it out, find some deeper truth. It was mistake. I should've gone back to normal - to here and now, because that's all we can ever really count on. Things need to get back to normal in your life. And what could be more normal than me screwing with you, and you figuring it out?
Dr. Gregory House: You manipulative bitch!
Dr. Gregory House: [to Kenny] Anywhere else in the animal kingdom, your parents would have eaten you at birth.
[House offers Wilson a cup of coffee]
Dr. Gregory House: Why are you suspicious?
Dr. Wilson: Because it's either that or accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I'd have to deal with the Horsemen and the Rain of Fire and the End of Days.
Dr. Gregory House: We gave it to him. Where's Chase?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You do realize we don't all live together, right?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, then just... we gave it to him. No pustules on the daughter's palms, so...
Dr. Chris Taub: So therefore, your theory is you asked me to take the dad's blood, but I accidentally injected him with smallpox.
Dr. Gregory House: Exactly, although technically, it was the vaccinia virus which is what the smallpox vaccine is made from. Same symptoms as smallpox, but only half the calories and almost none of the lethality.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You sound like one of those anti-vaccine cranks. You can't develop full-blown symptoms from the vaccine this quickly.
Dr. Gregory House: You can if you're immunocompromised. Am I the only one who reads these things?
[waves Niles' file]
Dr. Gregory House: Dad had kidney cancer.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Six years ago. He's been in remission.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, it's obviously back. Shot his immune system, made him vulnerable to the vaccinia which will get better on interferon. So if he responds to the treatment, that proves he doesn't have smallpox.
Dr. Chris Taub: Then what does the daughter have?
Dr. Gregory House: Damn. I was hoping you weren't gonna ask me that. Can we please just focus on the disease we just diagnosed and can treat?
Dr. Gregory House: People who have not seen Cuddy naked should not throw stones.
Dr. Robert Chase: This isn't gonna work! He's not a moron! You can't just agree with everything he says for two days and hope he forgets the last three years and how much he hates you.
Dr. Gregory House: Anything else?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] Is he telling you to avoid the party?
Dr. Wilson: I took an oath to do no harm.
Dr. Allison Cameron: 20-year-old married African-American female couldn't breathe. Anaphylaxis-like throat swelling.
Dr. Gregory House: Children?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You think pregnancy would explain the...
Dr. Gregory House: It explains the marriage. Who the hell gets married at 20?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Jane] You mom tell you about all the drugs she does?
Jane: She smokes pot once in a while, but not in a long time.
Dr. Gregory House: What about you?
Jane: How would that make her sick?
Dr. Gregory House: Are you a doctor?
Jane: I'm eleven...
Dr. Gregory House: That's not an answer. It's an evasion. Are you drinking? You ever sneak a drink?
Jane: I don't do any of that stuff. It's bad for you.
Dr. Gregory House: I understand why you don't want your mom to know, but I'm her doctor, so...
Jane: And I would tell my mom, and I would tell you.
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Jane: Because she would never lie to me.
Dr. Gregory House: What's her favorite way to have sex?
Jane: I don't get what sex has to do with breast cancer.
Dr. Gregory House: Are you a doctor? Did you go to med school since the last time I asked?
Bonnie: James Wilson, carefully calibrating his level of protectiveness for your individual needs.
Dr. Gregory House: Did you just compare Wilson to a tampon?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Men should grow up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, and dogs should stop licking themselves. It's not gonna happen.
James: You can't go in there.
Dr. Gregory House: Who are you and why are you wearing a tie?
James: I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes. I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.
James: I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.
Dr. Gregory House: Hmm. I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word 'ka-ching' mean anything to you? I'm going in now.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] A - my firing Chase was the only reason you left two years ago. B - When the full horror of his homicide hits you, your marriage will blow up. And Z - the only obstacle to you working here will be gone. Or maybe I skipped a couple of letters.
Dr. Gregory House: Figured I could sow some dissension and get a few ties and sweaters.
Dr. James Wilson: Are you eliminating symptoms?
Dr. Gregory House: We can't know everything.
Dr. James Wilson: This is medicine not metaphysics!
Dr. Gregory House: Truth is truth.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [coming in, with Foreman and Chase, to announce a patient's symptoms] We've got rectal bleeding.
Dr. Gregory House: What, all of you?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You need a lawyer. Go see Stacy. You hit a patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Four words, two mistakes. He's not a patient and I didn't hit him.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Of course you didn't. Go see Stacy.
Dr. Gregory House: I have an idea.
Dr. James Wilson: Stop having ideas.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [preparing a shot] It goes better in a large muscle. Drop your pants.
Dr. Gregory House: You know, I usually pay tens of dollars to hear that.
[House is swinging around a Renaissance actor's sword and cuts off the head of an anatomical model]
Dr. Gregory House: Try doing that with a pen.
Carly: What do you want me to do, cry?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes! I want you to tell me that your life is important to you! Because I don't know!
Dr. Gregory House: Your parents screwed you up by not screwing you up.
Dr. Jessica Adams: How does briefly wishing I was screwed up make me screwed up?
Dr. Gregory House: It's normal to be screwed up. It's really screwed up to romanticize it. Guess that's why you wanted to work with prisoners.
Dr. Jessica Adams: It's why I wanted to work with you.
Dr. Gregory House: [Chase and Foreman find an AWOL House napping on an exam table] Sorry. Up late... internet porn.
Dr. Gregory House: [House starts to slam his door; Cuddy blocks it with her arm] Give me my pills or lose an arm.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The girl is dying!
Dr. Gregory House: So give me my pills.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Take the deal and I will.
Dr. Gregory House: You'd rather kill this girl than give me my pills.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I would rather lose one patient now than the dozens we would lose while you're in prison.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, have fun explaining that to her itsy-bitsy grieving mother.
[House slams the door]
Dr. James Wilson: I'm not gonna sit here wasting time just so you can avoid your father's funeral.
Dr. Gregory House: He's my father. I have the right to avoid his funeral.
Sheriff: Not if your mother's alive you don't.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, why don't you tell me my real evil plan.
Dr. James Wilson: I don't think there's an evil plan. You regret not having a relationship with your own family and you don't want to see Foreman go down that same path. I think you're actually being nice.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, shut up! You can't accuse me of an opossum attack and underhanded kindness in the same visit.
Dr. James Wilson: I'll leave.
Dr. Gregory House: You dosed me!
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] I seem to recall, I said some things to you...
Dr. Gregory House: You talked a lot. I stopped listening after you confessed your fear of dolphins. Can we just tone down the bromance a few notches? My leg is killing me.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Well, it's taken over us just over an hour to prove she has a very boring subconscious.
Dr. Gregory House: Anyone ever tell you that you can be a buzzkill?
Dr. Robert Chase,5861: Yes.
Dr. Gregory House: You know that I'm a doctor. Any interest I have in the human body is purely clinical.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Yeah, that line never works for me either.
Dr. Gregory House: That line *always* works for you.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cofield] Coward.
Dr. Walter Cofield: Excuse me?
Dr. Gregory House: You've got, like, 20 pages of notes there. You were expecting to bore us for at least half an hour. You got my parole form in here. You were gonna send me back to prison.
Dr. Eric Foreman: House, stop.
Dr. Gregory House: Good things usually happen. Bad things sometimes happen. The fact that that would-be widow came in just in time to sob all over your soft, mushy heart and the fact that her husband's gonna live does not change whether or not I did the right thing.
Michael: [to House] Cuddy wouldn't get off the phone until I promised I'd come and see for myself. I gotta admit. This move I did not expect.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, well, don't tell anyone, but the photos of smiling people in the brochures. It's just marketing.
Michael: Well, you're obviously making an effort. So I suppose the next step is for me to... talk to the DA.
Dr. Gregory House: Which you have no intention of doing.
Michael: No.
Dr. Gregory House: So words mean nothing, actions mean nothing, what the hell is left?
Michael: [shrugs] Hmph.
Dr. Gregory House: You son of a bitch! What about your words, your actions? "Gotta get House cleaned up, gotta get him to show some humility," but when it comes to actually doing something, you proved that all you care about is bitch-slapping a guy who refused to kiss your ass.
Michael: You ever trust an addict? You ever give one the benefit of the doubt? How many times did it work out for yo...
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. So you were screwed over by your wife, your mother, your partner, but you keep sending them Christmas cards while you take it out on everyone else.
Michael: No more Christmas cards. No, I learned people like you, even your actions lie.
Dr. Chris Taub: There's a mass lesion in the left anterior temporal lobe surrounded by edema.
Dr. Gregory House: Did you just insult me in Pig Latin?
Dr. James Wilson: The operation is in 2 hours. I'd like you to be there.
Dr. Gregory House: [Long pause] No.
Dr. James Wilson: What? Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Because if you die, I'm alone.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Thirteen] You're not on the guest list. Bachelor parties are an ancient sacred male rite of passage.
Dr. Gregory House: Anybody can hate humanity after getting shot. Takes a big man to hate it beforehand.
Dr. Gregory House: Dr. House, I don't think we've met.
Dr. Jaime Conway: Dr. Jamie Conway, I've heard your name.
Dr. Gregory House: Most people have, it's also a noun.
Dr. James Wilson: That's how we met: I was in jail.
Sheriff: This guy was a total stranger to you and you bailed him out?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a boring convention. I had to have somebody to drink with.
Dr. James Wilson: [after Amber goes into cardiac arrest and House is about to shock her] Wait, wait, wait! Protective hypothermia.
Dr. Gregory House: You wanna freeze her? Her heart's not beating.
Dr. James Wilson: Her heart's already damaged. If you restart it, it'll keep racing, shoot off free radicals and kill her brain. We ice her down, put her on bypass until you've diagnosed her.
Dr. Gregory House: This is not a solution. All you're doing is pressing pause.
Dr. James Wilson: It gives you more time to find a diagnosis. House, this is Amber!
[House looks at Amber]
Dr. James Wilson: Please.
Carnell: House...
Dr. Gregory House: I like you, Carnell.
[phone rings]
Dr. Gregory House: Don't ruin it.
[picks up a phone]
Dr. Gregory House: Stinky feet, could point to diabetes, athlete's foot or gangrene. Pick one.
Carnell: No!
Dr. Chris Taub: Uh, none. None of those cause bloody sputum or disappearing masses.
Carnell: No, no, no! No! You are going to kill her.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't do that Carnell. They might get the idea that I'm shooting at a hooker. Fungal infection causes ulceration between the toes. Bleeding can be from recurring abscesses that appear to be recurring masses.
Martha: Symptoms in the head or feet mean the infection would have to be in the heart or the brain.
Dr. Chris Taub: I say we start by looking in the heart because looking at his brain with a metal plate is problematic.
Dr. Robert Chase: So is MRI-ing his heart. He's got a seven centimeter conductive metal rod holding his rib together.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It'll rip him in two.
Dr. Gregory House: No, it'll just feel like it's ripping him in two, which is much better.
Dr. Chris Taub: We could minimize the damage by injecting ice-water into his abdominal cavity.
Carnell: No! Please, no!
[House shoots an arrow and Carnell finds an arrow sticking Sarah's body, bleeding]
Carnell: Oh, God!
Dr. Gregory House: Opps. Got to go.
Carnell: Call an ambulance!
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Carnell: What do you mean, why! She's hurt!
Dr. Gregory House: She doesn't look hurt.
[Sarah starts laughing]
Carnell: No, you didn't.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, we did.
Carnell: [Sarah shows the trick] You're an ass.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, go get me General Patton's Colt .45. The one with two notches.
Dr. Wilson: Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.
Dr. Gregory House: And the reason you want respect?
Dr. Wilson: To... get laid.
Senator Gary H. Wright: No, don't get excited he's right I uh, I won't win.
Dr. Gregory House: Then why run?
Senator Gary H. Wright: Oh I see your point being the only way to make a difference is to win every fight.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Maggie] A mother who's going to die doesn't refuse a donor test because it might hurt. She refuses when she knows it won't match which tends to happen when mother and daughter aren't mother and daughter. I could do DNA tests, if you'd rather keep lying to me.
Maggie: I never wanted kids. I love them, but with my genes... I knew this woman, a drug addict. She got pregnant, didn't want to have an abortion, but she also didn't want her daughter to ever know who her real mother was. What she was. I promised never to tell.
Dr. Gregory House: A promise to an addict is worth more than a promise to your daughter?
Maggie: It'd be cruel to tell her.
Dr. Gregory House: Right. She lives a lie, you get to die a hypocrite.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] Did you deduce that by removing your sunglasses to the strains of a Who song?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Jeremy] It's a pretty smart plan, Jerry, but I'm on to you. There's only one good reason to kill the biopsy: you poisoned your wife and you don't want the coppers to get wise.
Jeremy: No!
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, alright - then you're just a moron.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to Wilson] No way we can solve this that fast. You need to find another donor.
Dr. Wilson: They're African-American. It makes it nearly impossible to find a full match.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell me about it. I can't even find the one I've got working for me. Where is Foreman?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] Where are you?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm on a top-secret mission for the CIA.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [in a deadpan tone of voice] Right.
Dr. Allison Cameron: So we're just gonna leave a child molester in the same room as his victim?
Dr. Gregory House: It's got windows!
Dr. Gregory House: Patients lie but usually only one lie at a time.
Dr. Gregory House: What are you doing here? Who's keeping her awake?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Doesn't matter. Liver function tests are through the sky. The liver's not compromised. It's dead. She doesn't need a diagnosis. She needs a new liver.
Dr. Gregory House: She's not getting a new liver unless we can figure out what's wrong with her.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Test for cirrhosis: 12 hours. Test for hepatitis: 8. Her liver's not going to last another 6.
Dr. Gregory House: So your advice is we just give up?
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] What the hell's wrong with you! You fired Chase?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't suppose you know what's on my patient's PET scan?
Dr. James Wilson: I told you to show Foreman you have a heart. How does that translate into you being a bastard?
Dr. Gregory House: So that's a "no"?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pick up the phone and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him.
Dr. Gregory House: [picks up the phone and dials number] Chase, if you know what's on the PET scan, call me back.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.
Dr. Gregory House: Ooh, level three. You should call Jack Bauer.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [after switching her mother's meds] Something like that comes up again - just - do what you need to do.
Dr. Gregory House: Want me to keep you out of it?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah. I am being a coward. Which is why doctors shouldn't treat their own family. Congratulations, you were right as usual.
Scott: So e... exactly h... how sick are you gonna make Matty?
Dr. Wilson: He could get quite ill. This certainly won't be a pleasant experience for anyone, but it's our onl...
Dr. Gregory House: [interrupts] Ever get caught in the rain without an umbrella? That's all we're talking about here. Sign the form.
Dr. Wilson: It's a little more complicated than that. We'll also be doing leukapheresis. We run Matty's blood through a machine that filters out his white blood cells.
Claudia: But without his white cells, how can he get better in time?
Dr. Wilson: We'll pump the white blood cells back as soon as we have a diagnosis. Then we should be able to cure the infection in time to do the transplant.
Scott: But you can't guarantee?
Dr. Gregory House: We're not GM! No recalls, no rebates. Any more questions while your son's life slips away?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [when Tritter freezes Cameron and Foreman's accounts] Tritter froze my account. They're checking theirs. I'm on hold with a lawyer.
Dr. Gregory House: [takes Foreman's cell phone, turns it off, and tosses it on the table] Call Wilson's lawyer. He'll tell you exactly how and why you're screwed. This kid has no history of allergies.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shouting] You gotta talk to Tritter. You gotta make this go away!
Dr. Robert Chase: [sarcastic tone] Yeah, great plan! The man's obviously open to reason.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Why am I the only person here who cares what happens to this hospital? Get off your ass and get your department under control. At least for the next few days.
Dr. Gregory House: It's gonna take longer than a few days for a company the size of Atlanticnet to start feeling the squeeze of your P.R. campaign. If they ever do.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And you know this how? From all the time you've spent researching them and their other contracts? The way they handle their press relations?
Dr. Gregory House: I know they have a nascar team. Despite what you may have learned at hebrew school or from Jimmy Cliff, sometimes the bigger they are, the harder they kick your ass.
Dr. Gregory House: I like this kid.
Dr. Robert Chase: You haven't met him.
Dr. Gregory House: I know you hate him. What more do I need to know?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I want to know how you feel... about me.
Dr. Gregory House: You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great looking, I'm not charming, I'm not even nice. What I am is what you need... I'm damaged.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Get over me.
Dr. Gregory House: Give me a break. You hired me...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: 'Cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank, so I got you cheap.
Dr. Gregory House: She'll be fine by... dinner.
Dr. James Wilson: [referring to the hooker] Best thirty dollars I ever spent.
Dr. Gregory House: Thirty? Did you keep her number?
Dr. Gregory House: It is in the nature of medicine, that you are gonna screw up. You are gonna kill someone. If you can't handle that reality, pick another profession or finish medical school and teach.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Taub] Speaking of which, how are your two baby girls?
Dr. Chi Park: Wow! Twins. Congratulations.
Dr. Gregory House: [Fake stutter] Awkward. He knocked up two different women at the same time, at least that's what he thinks he did.
Ken: [about Carnell] I gave him an early graduation gift. Old plumb I found. Looks like a fishing weight. Put it on a keychain so he'd always remember where he came from.
Dr. Gregory House: So he can lie about it later.
Dr. Gregory House: He asked for my advice before he switched you off the placebo. I told him to do it if he loved you.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: He only thinks he loves me.
Dr. Gregory House: It's the same thing! Yes, he's an idiot. You didn't ask him to do anything, you're pissed off that he did. So let him torch his career to pay for his sins. Unless you actually feel something for the idiot. In which case, you might want to tell him to turn around.
Dr. Gregory House: [House turns around finds Wilson and Cuddy] I forgot. you guys talk. Look, no offense to either of you, but dinner with your mom? Come on, I- I have to act like a decent human being, and you know what a strain that puts on me. And *you*. Ever since you broke up with Sam, you've done nothing but mope and whine. It's an unbelievable bummer.
Dr. James Wilson: And just what is so exciting you have to blow off both of us to do it?
Dr. Gregory House: I just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, drink Scotch and watch the Real Housewives of New Jersey... by myself. I just want one night off. Is that so much to ask?
Dr. James Wilson,15140: Yes!
Dr. Gregory House: Racing heart: Medical condition. Bleeding heart: Stupid condition.
Dr. Gregory House: How many friends do you have?
Lucas: Seventeen.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously? Do you have a list?
Lucas: No, I knew this conversation was really about you, so I just gave you an answer so you could get back to your train of thought.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy while dropping off folders to the Nurse's Station] Diagnosis. Prescription. You owe me 30.
[Goes to an exam room with a very attractive female patient. Returns later. Quietly to Cuddy]
Dr. Gregory House: I owe you 10.
Dr. Gregory House: Go away.
Dr. James Wilson: [sighs] You speak to Cuddy last night?
Dr. Gregory House: She's fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?
Dr. James Wilson: You spoke to her?
Dr. Gregory House: Kinda hit that, so she's all on my jock.
Dr. James Wilson: Whoa! Wha... what?
Dr. Gregory House: Huh... everyone else thought I was kidding.
Dr. Gregory House: Your biggest problem is, I don't know what your biggest problem is.
Dr. Gregory House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows? Could be anything.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] There's glass everywhere. Couldn't you have just put the mirror down nice and gentle?
Dr. Gregory House: I was in a mood.
Dr. Gregory House: [can't open his pills] Childproof. How many kids are hopped up on Vicodin?
Dr. Gregory House: The notion of picking one time of the year to be decent to other people is obscene because it's actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.
Dr. Gregory House: [to the passengers over the P.A. system on the airplane] Yo! Listen up! Bad news is you have an illness. The good news is, it's not meningitis.
[the passengers sigh in relief]
Dr. Gregory House: It's not fatal. It's just embarrassing. It's conversion disorder. More commonly known as mass hysteria. It happens often in high anxiety situations, especially to women. I know it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft. What can I do?
Dr. Gregory House: You're new.
Sam: You're naked.
Dr. Gregory House: And for the record, a little bit cold.
Hannah: I'm not scared. I'm never scared.
Dr. Gregory House: [sighs] See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain. Nothing left, but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is?
Hannah: It sucks.
Dr. Gregory House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair.
Hannah: Every morning, I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, God, stop. I'm in a pool of tears here.
Hannah: I can't cry.
Dr. Gregory House: Neither can I. Every morning, I check my eyes for jaundice in case the Vicodin's finally shot my liver.
Hannah: I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
Dr. Gregory House: I can't run.
Hannah: Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.
Dr. Gregory House: Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
Hannah: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
Dr. Gregory House: Bathroom is fifty feet from my office. Every drink of water, I weigh the pros and cons.
Hannah: After everything I do, I self-check. Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises.
Dr. Gregory House: I got shot.
Dr. Gregory House: Why am I here? Because I want to ask you about your girlfriend. I must know who she is, or you'd have told me her name.
Dr. James Wilson: She doesn't have a name. It's some sort of birth defect.
Dr. Gregory House: [after Wilson catches House vomiting outside of the restaurant]
[to Wilson]
Dr. Gregory House: I'm on methadone. Stupid product. Heroin without the high.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, and twice the risk of death.
Dr. Gregory House: But no risk of arrest.
Dr. James Wilson: You nearly died.
Dr. Gregory House: Today was a fluke. I nodded off.
Dr. James Wilson: Right, you're safe as long as you never sleep again. Mistime your dose, you die. Couple of drinks, you die. Mix it with the wrong drugs, you die. You want to detox from Vicodin? Pick something that won't kill you.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not detoxing.
Dr. James Wilson: If you're looking for something to help with your pain...
Dr. Gregory House: Doesn't help my pain, it eliminates it.
[tosses his cane into a dumpster; turns to walk away, but pauses]
Dr. Gregory House: My leg doesn't hurt anymore.
[walks off into the street]
Dr. Gregory House: [to Mary] We're going to have to do something called plasmapheresis. Cleans the antibodies from your blood. We're also going to have to terminate the pregnancy.
Mary: You're going to tell my parents?
Dr. Gregory House: Someone should. Rock, paper, scissors?
Mary: They don't need to know. I'll be all right.
Dr. Gregory House: Of course you will. Mean, if you're old enough to bleed out of your vagina, you're obviously mature enough to handle a simple thing like an abortion without Mommy and Daddy's help.
Dr. James Wilson: Taub. Another graduate of the House school of being a dick.
Dr. Gregory House: Private dick.
Dr. Gregory House: I am respecting your husband's decision. I don't see why you got a problem with that.
Stacy: Because it's crap! Because you browbeat patients, intimidate them, lie to them! If you think you're right, you don't give a damn what they think! I did what you do all the time. The only difference is, I did it to you.
Dr. Gregory House: On the other hand, cameras make people act. Sometimes like human beings, sometimes just weird. Sometimes, they wear open-tip bras.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [defensively] It's cold in here.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't care if her superstitions make her feel better. I just want her to think more clearly.
Dr. James Wilson: Maybe that can make her as happy as you are.
Dr. Gregory House: There you are. Were you scared? It's okay. You're home now.
[eats the Vicodin]
[about Ali]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have sad news for you: She doesn't love you.
Dr. Gregory House: You're ugly when you're jealous.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She showed up at my house last night, came on to me.
Dr. Gregory House: She's even more perfect than I thought.
Amber: I call you Greg because we're now social equals.
Dr. Gregory House: And I call you Cutthroat Bitch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Where's Foreman?
Dr. Gregory House: He's mad at me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: No reason.
Dr. Robert Chase: [scoffs] Yeah, that makes sense.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why do you have to make everything so dramatic?
Dr. Gregory House: Because I'm a very high-strung little lapdog. Ruff ruff ruff, rarr, ruff!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He has Streptobacillus.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Rat Bite Fever.
Dr. Gregory House: Boogie-oogie-oogie.
Dr. Gregory House: You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone and the water is boiling. Which problem do you deal with first?
Dr. Eric Foreman: House!
Dr. Gregory House: None of them! The building's on fire!
Dr. Gregory House: She's dying of guilt. Feels horrible for dumping me. It's great. I mean not the dumping part, but now the part where she'll let me do whatever I want.
Dr. James Wilson: So you're just trying to punish her? She feels bad enough, and now your only goal is to take advantage.
Dr. Gregory House: That's not true. I got plenty of goals. One of them is a 60 inch flatscreen right there.
Dr. James Wilson: You're a lot of things, House. But you've never been a sadist. You're pummeling an opponent who won't fight back.
Cyrus: Am I gonna live?
Dr. Gregory House: Cut out the teratoma and what's left of your cancer, you should be fine. Think of it as your second luckiest day.
Cyrus: It's hard to feel lucky. The woman I loved was a fraud.
Dr. Gregory House: No, actually, a fraud was a fraud. You fell for her just the same... You may stay miserable, but your long-lost love is not gonna be the reason why.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Wilson's back. You gonna say...
Dr. Gregory House: Gone two months. He can wait till I finish slaying a guy in a skullcap and a pair of tights.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: On a video game you stole from the pediatric ward?
Dr. Gregory House: On advice of counsel, I assert my privilege pursuant to the Fifth.
Dr. James Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality.
Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron after trying to stress out Jack] Can't you see his heart is fine? Stop torturing him! What kind of doctor are you?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] You do know that you can't really pierce me with your stares.
[seeing a photo of a pretty fitness trainer]
Dr. Gregory House: Wow! Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron when he wants to do a procedure on the patient] You wanna say yes. You know you should say yes. But you also think that this job is about standing up to me. But you're not gonna say yes, you're not gonna say no, you're just gonna waste time. And the patient's brain, or pancreas, or whatever is wrong with her is not gonna wait for you to impress your boss. So pick one. Either him or me.
New: [chuckles] You dog! You slept with her!
Dr. Gregory House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check.
Dr. Gregory House: If she'd told us about her symptoms sooner - like *ever* -she might not be dying. You were right after all.
Dr. Taub: I never said sickle...
Dr. Gregory House: "If everyone were more selfish, the world would be a better place."
Dr. Gregory House: They're out there. Doctors, lawyers, postal workers. Some of them doing great. Some of them doing lousy. Are you going to base your whole life on who you got stuck in a room with?
Eve: I'm going to base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms and who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.
Dr. Gregory House: [about the patient] Re-do every blood test he's ever had. Re-scan his head.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No.
[House turns around and looks at her]
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's been sick and suffering for 8 years. I'm not going to help you make it worse. I'm not going to help you make it interesting.
Dr. Gregory House: That's okay. Foreman's better at that stuff than you are. We need 5mm cuts through the occipital and hypothalamic regions.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Everyone looks over at Chase] How many millimeters?
Dr. Gregory House: You made a decision.
Afsoun: I changed my mind.
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Afsoun: Because there are more important things than...
Dr. Gregory House: Than what? Than your brain? Your abilities? That's where everything comes from, any meaning in your life, any happiness.
Afsoun: Not all happiness.
Dr. Gregory House: He's already left once. He's gonna leave you again. You don't need to depend on people who are gonna let you down.
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: If you do this, you're pathetic hypocrite. You're saying that your whole life, all your work up until him was a pointless.
Afsoun: [pause] Why are you doing this?
Dr. Gregory House: [while on the phone with Chase] Interesting factoid. Did you know that if we don't have a neurosurgeon on the premises, all the puppies in the world will choke to death on all the babies?
Dr. Gregory House: So what causes seizures, hypercalcemia and the thing where Mommy bends like Gumby?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [while looking through Anica's home] There's even books in the bathroom.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, either she's very smart or she has a severe fiber deficiency.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] Is Cuddy still playing?
Dr. James Wilson: The chicken is still in Piccadilly Square.
Dr. Gregory House: Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is her target.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [to House] Spoke to Wilson.
Dr. Gregory House: He's angry because I want him to live longer. Who wouldn't be?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Friends respect each other's decisions, even if they don't agree with them. It's called loyalty.
Dr. Gregory House: Loyalty is a tool to get people to do things they don't wanna do.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: But you do want to. You may have rationalized it a hundred different ways, but the fact is, you fired me so that I'd be forced to spend the rest of my life doing exactly what I wanted to do. It was probably the most... selfless thing anyone has ever done for me and you don't even like me that much.
Dr. Gregory House: [His 'stalker' has just left, but not before glancing over her shoulder at House and smiling. House turns to Cuddy] After that look, I'm feeling a little frisky. Looks like you're up.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm ovulating. Let's go.
Dr. Gregory House: The frisky, it went away.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, this isn't a game.
[Starts to walk away]
Dr. Gregory House: If I leave her alone, can I have my carpet back?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
Dr. Gregory House: If I forget about my carpet, can I have her?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If I confirm it, can we leave?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's true.
[pause. Cuddy gives House a quick kiss]
Dr. James Wilson: I've been more passionate with my great-aunt.
Dr. Gregory House: Mabel? Up high!
[House raises his right hand. Pause. Cuddy grabs the front of House's pants]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We done here?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was just wondering... Your masseuse?
Dr. Gregory House: Brandi.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm sure I'm imagining this, although not as sure now that I know her name, but she seems a little... How do I say this? I don't know. A bit slutty.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, she is a hooker. If she's not slutty, she's doing something wrong.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What? Did you have sex with her?
Dr. Gregory House: Yesterday? Ah! You're getting confused by the hooker thing. No, of course not. I'm dating you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: But you used to have sex with her?
Dr. Gregory House: Well. it was a massage-plus-happy-ending sort of thing. Now it's more of a sad ending. Because of you. I've tried 15 different massage therapists in the last few years. I don't know why, but she's the best I've found. She makes my leg feel better.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [House is about to pay a $100 bet to Cameron] Cash will be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: I bet you say that to all the guys.
Dr. Gregory House: Who's in charge?
Dr. Eric Foreman: House, as long as you're not here. Someone has to have the final...
Dr. Gregory House: Let me rephrase: who's your daddy?
Dr. Chris Taub: Let me rephrase: you have to decide if you're going to buck up and get out of bed and do your job or if you're gonna wallow in self-pity.
Dr. Gregory House: Thos are my only two choices? Or can I also point out the self-pity coming from you? You're just annoyed because when your relationship ended, no one gave a crap - including you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Arlene Cuddy] Mom. Here's a check. It's a settlement for all you've been through. Of course you can stay in your home, it was wrong of me to suggest otherwise.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry - that we saved your life - in the way that we did.
Ed: Why would sh-she lie if she knew it could kill her?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't ask why patients lie. I just assume they all do.
Dr. Gregory House: If you're gonna kill me and rape me, please do it in that order.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Dominika] You're a dead-eye shot and enjoy reading quantum physics on the crapper?
Dominika: I read in bathtub.
Dr. Gregory House: Better image. Thank you.
Dr. Robert Chase: File says he's a Real Estate Developer. Could've been exposed to something visiting a construction site.
Martha: He's lying.
[Everyone stares at Masters]
Martha: He's not an executive. I saw his hands. There covered with calluses and cuts. He works with them - a lot.
Dr. Gregory House: Stand up.
[Masters slowly rises. House hugs her]
Martha: Oh.
Dr. Gregory House: Our little girl is finally growing up. I mean you dream of this day, and when it finally happens... So what did Mr. Meathook say when you called him a liar?
Martha: I didn't.
Dr. Gregory House: Baby steps. Go down there and do it.
Dr. Gregory House: She's annoying. Refused to take the antibiotics because 'other' people might need them.
Dr. James Wilson: She said she cares about other people? What a poser.
Dr. Gregory House: [yelling at his staff] She's six! She's cute, she can't have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just wrong! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail, and it's because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling. I'm gonna go do my job.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] You're suggesting that you screwed up because of a non-relationship with me. I don't know how I can help you because the only change you can make from a non-relationship is...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want a relationship?
Dr. Gregory House: God, no. Just trying to follow your logic.
Dr. Gregory House: Disappointment is anger for wimps.
Dr. Gregory House: I can't handle it.
Dr. James Wilson: What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: She said yes. I heard "no." I didn't actually hear "no." I just was sure that's what she meant. The way she tilted her head and half arched her eyebrow. Why do I even care what she meant? She said "yes." That's all that matters. I'm screwing this up.
Dr. Gregory House: Does my breath smell bated to you?
Dr. Gregory House: Maternal Mirror Syndrome has one surefire cure. Deliver the fetus.
Dr. Robert Chase: It's not viable at 21 weeks. You'll kill the baby.
Dr. Gregory House: Fetus.
Dr. Cameron: Do semantics make you feel better? Pretend it's not a person?
Dr. Gregory House: Can it play catch? Can it eat? Can it take pretty pictures?
Lucas: [to House] You're supposed to trust friends.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know the guy. I got no logical reason...
Lucas: To be his friend? Have you never seen an after-school special? That is part of the pleasure of friendship: trusting without absolute evidence and then being rewarded for that trust.
Dr. Gregory House: You're taking pictures of a guy who's having an affair with his own sister and you're lecturing me about the rewards of trust.
Lucas: There are two types of people that hire me. No, actually, there are three types of people that hire me, but the third type's irrelevant to the point I want to make.
Dr. Gregory House: Do you have a special rate plan for being a pain in the ass?
Dr. Gregory House: What is it with you people? I don't use the cane, you're shocked. I use the cane...
Dr. Gregory House: [having checked Cuddy's heartbeat by pressing his ear against her chest] Heart is fine, breasts are firm.
Dr. Gregory House: He's combined two of his worst qualities--his love for me and his love for need. And as administrator of this hospital, you have to save your star oncologist.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Wish I could help, but as administrator, there are some people in accounting I'm scheduled to sleep with first.
Dr. Gregory House: [to a patient] What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor. I need to know.
Judge: I've read the file. You've got 15 minutes.
Dr. Gregory House: It's people like this who killed Copernicus.
Judge: Galileo.
Dr. Gregory House: Either way.
Judge: And they just locked Galileo up.
Dr. Gregory House: They killed his spirit and nobody likes a showoff.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Imelda] You can try.
Imelda: I can try to look like Salma Hayek. That's not gonna make it happen.
Dr. Gregory House: [seductively] You may not have Salma's ass, but she doesn't have your eyes.
Imelda: Yeah, right.
[looks to House, who smiles at her]
Imelda: How soon you need it?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [referring to House's ex] The woman you used to live with.
Dr. Gregory House: That's her Indian name. On her driver's license it's "Stacy."
Dr. Allison Cameron: He's gonna need a lung transplant.
Dr. Gregory House: He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're pleased. You think you've proved every marriage is a mistake?
Dr. Gregory House: Do I look pleased?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If there's anything I can do, just...
Dr. Gregory House: You know, you're right. I don't think I can sleep alone tonight.
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: [to House] You're gonna take a case based on the car she drives?
Dr. Gregory House: Nothing says "thanks for saving my life" like a test drive in a car that accelerates faster than a space shuttle.
Dr. Gregory House: [on the phone with Wilson] Did you ever see Raid on Entebbe?
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah. In the end, they released the hostages. How's that working for you?
Dr. Gregory House: The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.
Dr. James Wilson: Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance.
Dr. Gregory House: [turns on Wilson's TiVo] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need 10 of them?
Dr. James Wilson: It's a... it's a telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, say adios.
Dr. James Wilson: Are you erasing my TiVo? House! Not the season finale!
Dr. Gregory House: I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.
Kutner: Saw Amber drop Wilson off this morning.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes. The male always drives the female.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Flynn] You eat a lot of beets, you have an electric toothbrush and you sleep less than six hours at night.
Flynn: That's impressive.
Dr. Gregory House: The red betanin from the beets stains the plaque deposits on your teeth which are then swirled by your spinning toothbrush. Your heavy lids and your prematurely aging skin tell me that you're carrying a major sleep debt.
Flynn: That was way cooler before you explained it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: See? Life of the bachelor. All of the sex, none of the guilt.
Dr. Chris Taub: It's not over, okay? I just really miscalculated. I thought she'd forgiven me for everything but all those hurt feelings, they never really went away.
Dr. Gregory House: That makes a lot more sense.
Dr. James Wilson: Ignore him, he just got an idea.
Dr. Gregory House: I have one more test to run.
Dr. Gregory House: I wish I hadn't.
[saved my leg]
Dr. Gregory House: They cut out a chunk of muscle about the size of my fist and they left me with this mutilated, useless thing. And I'm in pain every day. And it changed me. It made me a harder person, a worse person. And now... now I'm alone. You don't want to be like me.
Dr. Gregory House: [when Adam is screaming] For the love of God, can't somebody shut that kid up? People are trying to work around here.
Dr. Gregory House: Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I don't know. Maybe they wanted to take time off to spend with their little dumbwaiter but then they had to leave it at home with an elevator sitter because you drove the replacement elevator into quitting because you're incapable of listening to anybody but me. But that's just a theory.
Dr. Gregory House: You're wrong. I don't even listen to you. Either do your job or go home. Leave me out of it!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I am going to do my job. Doesn't mean I have to do it happily. Doesn't mean I have to do it without resentment, and it definitely doesn't mean I have to do it without seeking vengeance on the person making me be here. Congratulations, you've officially dragged me down to your level.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Need you. Now.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, mistress.
Dr. Gregory House: [shouting out the door of his office to Cameron and Chase] Hey! Stop worrying about your asses and start worrying about the patient.
Dr. Gregory House: How many lives have been lost because of pretty girls?
Dr. Gregory House: [Wilson has a headache] Neighbor's baby again?
Dr. James Wilson: I could hear it through earplugs, two pillows and three sleeping pills.
Dr. James Wilson: [to Lucille] The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is extremely large. At least 30 pounds.
Mrs. Lucille Hernandez: Oh, God.
Dr. Gregory House: It's actually a personal record for this clinic.
Dr. James Wilson: But it's completely benign. There's no sign of cancer at all. I've already spoken with Dr. Bergin and he's available first thing in the morning.
Mrs. Lucille Hernandez: For what?
[House and Wilson look puzzled]
Dr. James Wilson: For the surgery.
Mrs. Lucille Hernandez: But if it's not cancer, it can't kill me, right?
Dr. James Wilson: No.
Mrs. Lucille Hernandez: I'll have a huge scar! I won't be able to wear a bikini!
Dr. Gregory House: You wear a bikini now?
Mrs. Lucille Hernandez: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Dr. Gregory House: Nope, but I've never gone swimming with you.
Maddy: [to House] My daughter and I both have cartilage hair hypoplasia. Think you can make a pun out of that?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, but I don't want to be insensitive.
[to Cuddy]
Dr. Gregory House: She's got a bit of a short fuse, hasn't she?
Dr. Gregory House: [Holding a syringe] We can't find your tumor in time without your cooperation. So I'm giving you a choice. Give us a chance to make you better, or stick this anywhere and push.
Alice: Why do you care about me? You think you know me because you read my books?
Dr. Gregory House: No. I know pain. You think you can handle it, and then one day you can't. And when that happens, you either find reasons to go on, or you don't.
Alice: I'm... I'm all out of reasons.
Dr. Gregory House: Now, when you're pain free, you're gonna want to live and start writing again. And if I'm wrong, you got a backup plan to take home with you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [House is writing down something] What are you writing?
Dr. Gregory House: Nothing.
Dr. Robert Chase: If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?
Dr. Gregory House: [finishes writing] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters?
[licks the envelope]
Dr. Allison Cameron: You can't know what's wrong after a 30-second perusal of his file.
Dr. Gregory House: Apparently, you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch.
[writes something on the envelope; walks over to the whiteboard]
Dr. Gregory House: If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, it's a very cruel game.
[places the envelope on the whiteboard with a magnetic paperclip. On the envelope written is "THE GAME IS A ITCHY FOOT."]
[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: Oh House, please. I assume you went because you're tired of screwing up every chance you get at happiness.
Dr. Gregory House: [Holding up his cellphone] Delete contact.
Dr. James Wilson: Do not let the fact that I found out about it...
Dr. Gregory House: Don't beat yourself up. I'm not going back because it doesn't work.
[House sees Wilson blur like the locked-in patient saw his environment]
Dr. James Wilson: You'll end up alone.
Taub: So... which one of us sucks the most?
Dr. Gregory House: It's a tie.
Dr. Amber Volakis: Between?
Dr. Gregory House: All of you.
Dr. Amber Volakis: We're all fired?
Dr. Gregory House: None of you are fired.
Dr. James Wilson: He cures thousands of people every year. You cure... what, 30?
Dr. Gregory House: McDonalds' makes a better hamburger than your mother because they make more?
Dr. Gregory House: [a patient gave himself a circumcision] I'm gonna get a plastic surgeon, get the Twinkie back in the wrapper.
Dr. Gregory House: Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] Roomies with benefits keeping you up?
Dr. Robert Chase: Cribbage. I played with Park's Popo.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that two separate events?
Dan's: No! No, we took him to the ER after the game, he was scanned, they tested him, said he was fine. No concussions - it's gotta be something else.
Dr. Gregory House: You hound me for my opinion and then you question my diagnosis. Cool.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I apologize if it looked like we weren't devoting our full attention to your daughter, but I assure you that we...
Mrs. Simms: Oh, please. Save your pathetic insincerity for your boyfriend.
Dr. Gregory House: You're wrong. She is in fact pathetically sincere.
[House walked in on Cuddy's date]
Dr. Gregory House: [to Don] You two must've met online. Either that or you've got a friend who secretly hates you.
Don: Don Herrick. Yeah, we connected through singleballroomdancelovers.com.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] Why would he volunteer that information?
Don: Why would I hide it?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] You didn't tell him that anything he said would be held against you?
[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: Are you being self-sacrificing?
Dr. Gregory House: I'll sacrifice a lab rat, I'll sacrifice a fly, I'll sacrifice $200 on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self. Shabbat shalom, Wilson.
Dr. James Wilson: Shabbat shalom, House.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Your heart rate's over 120. You're clammy. I think you're going into shock. Are you lightheaded?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm fine. Did you see the new Brownbeard episode?
Rachel: It was so funny.
Dr. Gregory House: No, it was so lame. A boat full of guy pirates and they make the girl pirate walk the plank.
Rachel: She floated.
Dr. Gregory House: That's 'cause she had big boobies. That's why he should've kept her.
Dr. Gregory House: Oxygen saturation is 94%, check her heart.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Her oxygen saturation is normal.
Dr. Gregory House: It's off by one percentage point.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Within range. It's normal.
Dr. Gregory House: If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.
Dr. Gregory House: Your husband killed a patient, and you're breaking up with me?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You ruined him... so he can't even see right from wrong. Can't even see the sanctity of human life any more. I loved you. And I loved Chase. I'm sorry for you both. For what you've become. Because
[voice starts to break]
Dr. Allison Cameron: there's no way back for either of you.
Dr. Chris Taub: I'm sure some people will screw up anything. But some won't. That kind of case, he has a *chance* to turn a miserable life around.
Dr. Gregory House: Miserable is miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Our level of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout is gonna change that.
Dr. Gregory House: It's like there's two of me.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] You know what's pathetic is, you haven't gotten help because you want to feel bad. You want to suffer. 'Cause if you feel guilty, then you're not a psychopath. Patient needs some Carbamazepine. Now, I don't care how much that room scares you. You're doing your job.
[repeated line]
Dr. Gregory House: We're missing something.
Dr. Gregory House: [referring to the bottle Wilson opened] I loosened it.
Dr. James Wilson: I opened it!
[first lines]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [wakes up, looking for House] House?
[someone holds her ankle]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, my God! What the hell?
Dr. Gregory House: [appears from under the bed] Gotcha.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap out of me?
Dr. Gregory House: Set an alarm and everything.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's like dating a 10-year-old.
Dr. Gregory House: God, I hope not... Now that we're down here...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Hold that thought.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have to pee.
Dr. Gregory House: I'll wait. I brought a book. Didn't know what time your alarm was set for.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [from bathroom] House?
Dr. Gregory House: You know, you could rent this space out down here. In Japan, that would be like a deluxe...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, shut up. There's blood in my urine.
Jason: She's not a cop. Dr. Cuddy brings in the drugs. Alone.
Dr. Gregory House: She might be armed. I'd have her deliver it shirtless.
Dr. Robert Chase: Titanium is used to build nuclear subs. Pieces don't just break off.
Dr. Gregory House: Tell that to the guys on the Kursk.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [approaching with two young-looking female interns] Dr. House!
Dr. Gregory House: Time for Girl Scout cookies already?
Dr. Wilson: Get me some Thin Mints.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Masters] If you tell anyone, I will get you thrown out of med school and I will destroy your career.
Martha: I've thought about that. Lying about me... won't work. Everybody knows your reputation.
Dr. Gregory House: True, but I won't have to lie. Buried in your coma patient's big, big file is a form that doesn't allow treatment without the expressed consent of the relatives.
Martha: Wait...
Dr. Gregory House: You drew blood and that's not just a screw-up. It's a criminal assault.
Martha: But you told me...
Dr. Gregory House: No. As you may recall...
[mimes zipping his lip]
Martha: You set me up? Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Because this patient is the highest priority.
Dr. Gregory House: Maybe he'll die right now, make everything easy for all of us.
Joe: Give me a percentage. What are the odds of this thing working?
Martha: There's an 85% chance that this will kill you.
Joe: So you want to give me something that works 15% better than arsenic?
Martha: Technically. It works infinitely better because arsenic has a 0%... chance... This is your only shot. Both Dr. House and I believe that. He faked a blood test in order to get you approved for this treatment, and then, he tried to bribe me into lying to you about the risks. If either of these incidents came to light, he'd be suspended and probably lose his license.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sure some other people would suffer.
Martha: He's risking his career to give you this chance. He wouldn't do that if there was any other choice.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: She took the pills to sleep, not to kill herself.
Dr. Gregory House: Clever alibi.
Dr. Gregory House: [When House meets Dr. Park] I'm not interested in another department's sloppy seconds.
Dr. Chi Park: I'm not sloppy seconds.
Dr. Gregory House: 3:00 a.m. If Foreman had called you in from home, you wouldn't have pressed clothes, coiffed hair and makeup which means you were already here in the hospital.
Dr. Chi Park: Yes, I was on call for neurology.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if that were true, you'd be working right now and unavailable to help which means that you're hanging out in the hospital pretending to work which means you're not just a reject, you're a cowardly reject who was trying to hide her rejectedness from someone.
Dr. Chi Park: I am not a reject.
Dr. Gregory House: Then go back to neurology.
Dr. Chi Park: I can't. I punched my attending.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: This was your plan all along!
[chuckles]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, at least the games are over.
Dr. Gregory House: How long have you known me?
Martin,: [after House accuses Alex's dad of having sex with her] I should take your head off.
Dr. Gregory House: [checks Martin's glands] Your glands are fine. So now you're my patient. You've got doctor-patient confidentiality. No worries. So what did you do to her?
Martin,: How could you possibly think?
Dr. Gregory House: Hard to imagine anyone not wanting to nail her.
Martin,: You son of a...
Dr. Gregory House: It's a compliment. The heart shaped ass, those perfect perky all natural breasts...
Martin,: That is my daughter you're talking about.
Dr. Gregory House: No, that's your daughter you were talking about.
[opens up his magazine]
Dr. Gregory House: "She just instinctively knows how to walk. Designers just love that heart shaped ass, those perfect perky-"
Martin,: I'm her manager. I have to promote her.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, that makes sense. So you compartmentalize. When you're dealing with the press, you're her manager. When you're helping with homework, you're her dad. When you're making sweet, sweet love, you're her manager.
Dominika: In your head!
Dr. Gregory House: That's "face."
Dominika: On your face!
Dr. Gregory House: Close enough.
Dr. Gregory House: [while going through Dr. Cuddy's underwear drawer] Oh my God... She's got pictures of you in here. Just you. It's like some kind of weird shrine.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're kidding.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah.
[Closes drawer]
Molly: [about Lee] Why aren't his eyes moving?
Dr. Gregory House: Two options: My neurologist screwed up or else something the hospital lawyer's going to have to come up with when you sue us.
Juan: They broke you!
Dr. Gregory House: They didn't break me. I am broken. Now stop worshipping me and go worry about your own loser life.
Spencer: You're Dr. House?
Dr. Gregory House: I assume my name came up last night in the form of a moan. You had sex, then a seizure. Could be a particular position or activity that set it off.
[to Thirteen]
Dr. Gregory House: That sounds like a valid medical theory, doesn't it?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [to Spencer] I'm really sorry. Just ignore him.
Spencer: Whatever you think we did, we... we did, and then some.
Dr. Gregory House: Lights on or off?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Do you have a medical rationalization for that one?
Dr. Gregory House: Light sensitivity.
Spencer: On.
Dr. Gregory House: Figured she had more shame than that. Did she talk dirty, or did you rely on vague hand signals?
[writes something on a clipboard]
Spencer: She's... uh, pretty direct about what she wants.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm learning so much. Okay, score the score. Scale of one to ten.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [as she inserts the biopsy needle in Spencer] Don't answer.
Spencer: [winces from the pain of the biopsy needle] Seven.
Dr. Gregory House: [holds up a piece of paper with the number 7 on it] Finally got one right.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Married couple, same disease. They either got it from each other or in the same place.
Dr. Gregory House: Infectious or environmental... all we have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals or it's internet porn related. I'll check the internet, you guys cover the rest of the stuff.
Dr. Gregory House: Foreman, need your help here. You want to pull a bank job, would you go it alone? You're gonna rob a home, sure, it's a one or two man crew, but a bank - lookout, getaway driver...
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm not saying anything until the metaphor plays itself out.
Dr. James Wilson: House, it's too late. The liver started to degrade. It's no longer viable for transplant.
Dr. Gregory House: ...
[to the victim's sister]
Dr. Gregory House: Well played. Religion just killed another person.
Dr. Gregory House: These people don't know me. You do.
Dr. Amber Volakis: She's not your keeper. She has no responsibility for you!
Dr. Gregory House: I need you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [pause] Let me call my babysitter.
[Dobson and Taub are fighting]
Dr. Gregory House: That is just great.
Henry: What is?
Dr. Chris Taub: Which one of us is?
Dr. Gregory House: Both of you. Together. Fighting. Passionate to prove the other one wrong. Couldn't care less about the patient, but it all works out the same.
Dr. Amber Volakis: I hate Thirteen!
Dr. Gregory House: Not as productively.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I am not giving you cable. You're going to have to somehow survive with the broadcast networks alone.
Dr. Gregory House: I'll be fine on Tuesdays.
Dr. Gregory House: You test his ears. I'm going to go test his cocaine.
Dr. Chris Taub: You think this guy's just going to hand over a briefcase full of illegal drugs because you ask nicely?
Dr. Gregory House: I hope not.
Dr. Allison Cameron: The chance of infection is next to nothing.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, I was never that great at math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?
Dr. Gregory House: Once an addict, always an addict.
[House takes some vicodin]
Martha: Can you please not... do that in front of me?
Dr. Gregory House: Doubt it. You're the main reason I'm on this stuff.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] My parents loved me unconditionally. Get out of here.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] Get a raise? Because then, you're a whore. Or didn't you? Because then, you're a stupid whore.
Dr. James Wilson: It's just a wild coincidence that he thought you were a rude jerk?
Dr. Gregory House: Give me the benefit of the doubt. You said he was a jerk. I barely talked.
Dr. James Wilson: YOU TALKED!
Dr. James Wilson: [after House knocks Wilson's keys down a sewer] Amber gave me that key chain.
Dr. Gregory House: No, she didn't. Not unless your pet name for her was "Volvo."
Dr. Gregory House: [after bumping Thirteen's foot while sitting in a restroom stall] Sorry, wide stance.
Dr. Gregory House: Any country with that low an age of consent and that high a suicide rate isn't thinking straight.
Dr. Gregory House: Just some stuff that can cause severe nausea, and permanent erctile disfunction. And which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, some contractor named Jesus, which granted, was originally a Jewish name.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Go mom.
Dr. James Wilson: Taking money from a sick person is ethically suspect at best.
Dr. Gregory House: What is this, Canada? All we do is take money from sick people.
Dr. James Wilson: Putting up with irrationality is the foundation for every relationship. I agree with Sam when she's calling her father a monster. I agree with her when she's calling him a saint. And in exchange, I get to have sex with her. And I'm sure she has similar trade offs with me. Relationships are hard. You have to make sacrifices. So sacrifice being crazy, go get her a gift and apologize.
Dr. Gregory House: You finally made a good point.
Dr. James Wilson: Which clearly, you have misunderstood based on how quickly you agreed.
Dr. Gregory House: Your kitchen's burning.
Dr. James Wilson: What sort of a lawyer tells his client he's got a case because he's going to live?
Dr. Gregory House: I've heard that not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV.
Dr. James Wilson: I don't think this guy even has a law degree.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, the guys on TV don't either.
Dr. James Wilson: I think he has a medical degree.
Dr. Gregory House: The nearly-dead and the newly-bred have more in common with each other than with people in the middle. It's weird. It's kinda circle of life thing.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Park] Hey, we both assaulted our bosses. It's like we're twins.
Dr. Chi Park: I'd really rather not...
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, I'll go first. My boss dumped me. And yours what? Called you his China doll? Joked about what a crappy deal you got for Manhattan? Assumed you have a huge penis? I have no idea what flavor you are, so I thought I'd just cover the spread.
Dr. Chi Park: My mom's Filipino, Dad's Korean and my boss grabbed my behind.
Dr. Gregory House: Any of you guys ever been to the Galapagos?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Was our patient there? Dengue fever, avian pox. Even West Nile.
Dr. Gregory House: No. I'm looking for a vacation spot.
Dr. Robert Chase: That mean we get vacation?
Dr. Gregory House: How would that differ from your current status?
Dr. Cameron: You're going to do what? Relax?
Dr. Gregory House: Visiting family. My uncle's a giant turtle.
Jason: I've been to 16 doctors in the last two years. Had three full-body CTs and two MRIs, seven blood panels and one homeopathic consult.
Dr. Gregory House: And all that was missing was the threat of violence.
Dr. James Wilson: Have you ever considered channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the Mid-East?
Dr. Gregory House: I couldn't do that.
Dr. James Wilson: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.
Stacy: Is your patient gonna be all right?
Dr. Gregory House: Physically, his chances are good.
Stacy: Physically?
Dr. Gregory House: Two people who weren't meant to be together. Maybe they'll get a happy ending just because they both want it so much.
Stacy: Yeah, that's usually the way it works.
Dr. Gregory House: He loved her enough to convince himself he could change.
Stacy: But he couldn't. Could he?
Dr. Gregory House: [about Lucy] Arthritis, heart disease. Why can't this kid act her age?
Dr. Gregory House: What can I say? Chicks with no teeth turn me on.
Dr. Gregory House: Why didn't you tell me that Rowan Chase was in to see you?
Dr. James Wilson: Excuse me. Ethics... confidentiality... does any of this ring a bell?
Dr. Gregory House: What's the largest organ?
Dr. Robert Chase: Skin.
Dr. Gregory House: We need to get a piece.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [sarcastically to Chase] Sure. We'll just... wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in and take a piece!
Dr. Robert Chase: [about Jack] You want us to starve him so we can drive him into another seizure and maybe a heart attack just so we can run another tox screen?
Dr. Gregory House: That'd be cruel. Just sweat it out of him.
Dr. James Wilson: When you do what I did... it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else. If not God... or society... a friend. Otherwise you go crazy. What you said to me up there... thank you. You're a good friend. Cuddy should know that.
Dr. Gregory House: You should let her know that I drugged you so you couldn't confess to murder.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're staying the night. We're gonna monitor your brain for swelling.
Dr. Gregory House: How much bigger could it get?
Dr. Gregory House: [patient denies steroid use] Your lips say no; your prunes say yes. Hypogonadism - isn't that a great word? Thanks, we don't get to say it *nearly* enough. Start him on Lupron right away.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] Now that you're sufficiently buzzed, what was the reason behind you freaking out on Kondo? Are you scared? In denial?
Dr. James Wilson: I know you get confused any time someone thinks that you're wrong, but it's not considered freaking out for a patient to ask for a second opinion.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, well, here it is. Kondo is right. You should be in radiology right now.
Dr. James Wilson: Well done. You've kept your word for almost...
[looks at his watch]
Dr. James Wilson: two hours.
Dr. Gregory House: Every day you wait, our pal Toomie is growing larger in your chest. If you want to live, stop screwing around and do something about it.
Dr. James Wilson: Good idea. I think I'll start with spending spring break on my own.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: [referring to a wrapped box on House's desk] Who's that from?
Dr. Gregory House: Santa, obviously, 'cause you know I worship him. No wait, I mean Satan. I always get them confused.
Stacy: God, you're an idiot!
Dr. Gregory House: I think I'm more of a jerk.
Dr. Gregory House: Is anybody here a doctor?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [House wants to know why Foreman's disease is progressing much faster than Joe's] Foreman's black.
Dr. Gregory House: What? How long have you been sitting on this information?
Maddy: [to House] If my daughter doesn't want to choose the easy path, I won't force her to.
Dr. Gregory House: Then you're a lousy mom. You want your daughter to be a freak.
Maddy: We're not freaks.
Dr. Gregory House: [sighs] You want her to overcome adversity.
Maddy: Yes.
Dr. Gregory House: Then why stop at height? Poke a stick in her eye. Imagine how interesting she'll be then.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Catching up with House in the main lobby] I want to run something by you.
Dr. Gregory House: [loudly] I will not have sex with you! Not again! Miserable, that first time. All that desperate, administrative need...
Dr. Gregory House: There's more than one baby in the sea. World is full of teenage boys riding bareback.
Dr. Gregory House: She'll be fine by lunch. See I was wrong before... about the breakfast.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [after House pulls a worm out of a patient] That's gotta be 25 feet long.
Dr. Gregory House: Dammit! World record's over 60.
Dr. Gregory House: [When House wants to discharge a patient] We're done. Get rid of her!
Dr. Eric Foreman: We're not done! We have to confirm the diagnosis before we send her home to die of something else!
Dr. Gregory House: [looks Foreman in the eye] Oh, yes. The power tastes so sweet! You just can't resist! You're like a diabetic at the ice cream counter, you want to say no, but you need that chocolate-y goodness!
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, well, I'm still signing the charts. So until tomorrow, you're not allowed to kill anyone.
[walks away]
Dr. Gregory House: Wuss!
Dr. Gregory House: Nobody wants to die. But you are going to. The question is how. How much you're going to suffer, how long. I'm asking if you want this to be over.
[saying it for a 9-year-old girl, who has cancer]
Dr. Gregory House: Another life saved by girl-on-girl action.
[last lines]
Thirteen: Female. Late twenties. Kidney damage.
[to Wilson]
Thirteen: Does Amber have a birthmark on her right shoulder blade?
[looks at Wilson; Wilson turns and looks at House]
Dr. Gregory House: She was on the bus with me.
[rapidly breathing]
Dr. Gregory House: She's the one who's dying.
Dr. Gregory House: [to the crowd in the walk-in clinic's waiting area] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chitchat later, I'm Doctor Gregory House; you can call me "Greg." I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.
Dr. Gregory House: This ray of sunshine is Doctor Lisa Cuddy. Doctor Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board... certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I am also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is forced to be here against his will.
Dr. Gregory House: [House turns to face Dr. Cuddy] That is true, isn't it?
Dr. Gregory House: [He turns back to the crowd] But not to worry, because for most of you, this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this: this is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And, no, I do not have a pain management problem. I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me?
[nobody moves]
Dr. Gregory House: And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys?
[Everybody raises their hands]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay. Well, I'll be in Exam Room One if you change your mind.
Dr. Robert Chase: They say true love doesn't exist anymore. Maybe it never did. So, without further ado... Do you, Dominika Patrova, take this man to be your lawfully-wedded husband?
Dominika: I do.
Dr. Robert Chase: And do you, Gregory House, take this woman to be your lawfully-wedded wife?
Dr. Gregory House: Yep.
Dr. Robert Chase: Then by the power vested in me by the state of New Jersey just for today, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
[people clap]
Dr. Eric Foreman: What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: Holding your ass. You really didn't know?
Dr. Chi Park: House!
Dr. Gregory House: Just trying to help you out of here. I figured sure he'd punch me in the face. Thus proving it's a natural response. My God! You have superhuman discipline - and glutes.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Get your hands off of me.
Dr. Gregory House: That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat.
Dr. Wilson: No, I wanted to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower.
Katherine: [to House] The pageant starts in an hour. You have to do something. There's something wrong inside her head. It's like she has no idea what's going on around her.
[waves her hand in front of Rosabel who doesn't react to what she's doing]
Dr. Gregory House: I thought she was just flirting with me.
[Katherine gives him a look and Rosabel stares blankly at him]
Dr. Gregory House: I can fix it, but it's gonna cost you... $3.75. I'm not just gonna give you my coffee.
[He hands his cup of coffee to Rosabel]
Dr. Gregory House: Think of it as Costa Rican sober juice.
Katherine: She's drunk?
Dr. Gregory House: That little minty scent hiding beneath the rose petal perfume and the cherry blossom moisturizer and the morning dew hair spray.
[to Rosabel]
Dr. Gregory House: You sneak into Mommy's bathroom and gulp some of her mouthwash?
Rosabel: [slurring her words] Gotta be perfect.
Dr. Gregory House: You spit it out?
Rosabel: Mommy doesn't.
Dr. Gregory House: [Clarence is screaming as he's getting his MRI] There's Waldo.
[House pushes a button so Clarence can hear him]
Dr. Gregory House: Found it Clarence.
Clarence: Turn it off! Turn this damn thing off!
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase and Foreman] Keep him in there until you guys see it too.
[House walks away. Chase gasps and starts to point. Foreman finds it also]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Son of a bitch.
Dr. Gregory House: [seeing Dan on a computer screen] General Hospital is on channel 6.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Dan's brain's not showing channel 6 right now, only mush.
Dr. Gregory House: [giving his father's eulogy] There's a lot of people here today. Including some from the Corps. And I noticed that every one of them, is either my father's rank, or higher. And that doesn't surprise me. Because if the test of a man is how he treats those he has power over... it was a test my father failed. This man you're eager to pay homage to, he was incapable of admitting any point of view but his own. He punished failure, he did not accept anything less than... He loved doing what he did, he saw his work as some kind of sacred calling, more important than any personal relationship. Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son. But I am what I am because of him, for better or for worse.
Thirteen: If I get drunk enough, there's a chance I might make out with one of the strippers - or become one.
Dr. Gregory House,8369: Sold!
Dr. Allison Cameron: [during a team meeting in room to discuss the patient] Labs show valium and heroin in her urine.
Dr. Robert Chase: A supermodel on smack. Shocker.
[gets up]
Dr. Gregory House: [looks away] Oh, Alex. I expected so much more from you. Heroin chic is so five years ago.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Okay. Let's start crossing out withdrawal symptoms.
Dr. Allison Cameron: A positive test means she tried it once. Doesn't mean she's an addict. She's only 15.
Dr. Eric Foreman: There's no age limit on addiction.
Dr. Gregory House: He's right.
[dramatically swallows some Vicodin pills]
Dr. Robert Chase: She's never menstruated. Sounds like a symptom of drug addiction to me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Or bulimia or her age. Some girls don't start 'til their mid to late teens.
Dr. Gregory House: Evidence to the contrary: The rounded hips. The perfectly sculpted, bountiful breasts...
Dr. Robert Chase: Implants. I've seen some of her photos. They've grown dramatically since last summer.
Dr. Gregory House: Symptomatic of turning 14. Two clinic hours says that those love apples are handcrafted by God.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [looks incredulous, walks over to House] Whoa! I thought that you didn't believe in God.
Dr. Gregory House: I do now.
Dr. Robert Chase: You're on.
[comes over to House and the two of them bump fists]
Dr. Allison Cameron: [looks disgusted] Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?
Dr. Gregory House: It could be relevant. Come on, Cameron. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Many women develop breasts...
[House slips due to pain and catches himself on a table, disrupting the table's contents while the team looks on. He regains his composure; looks back to team]
Dr. Gregory House: No, I'm fine.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Even if she is an addict, a lot of her symptoms - the cataplexy, the violence - they could be neurological. We chalk this up to drugs, we could be releasing her with Juvenile M.S. or Parkinson's or...
Dr. Gregory House: [interrupts] So detox her.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Fine. We'll set her up on a program that'll wean her onto the methadone.
Dr. Gregory House: And in four weeks, we'll know you're right. Or, we'll know that Cameron's right and the pretty girl will do Milan next fall in a wheelchair. Put her in a coma, pump her full of naltrexone. Cut the four weeks in one night.
[House exits; Cameron and Chase look to Foreman]
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: You know I'm actually kind of hurt that you don't know what I did. I'm not worth bribbing a court official or hacking into Police files?
Dr. Gregory House: Where's the fun in that?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: You could've at least hired Cuddy's weird boyfriend.
Dr. Gregory House: Lucas?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Mmm hmm.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't know?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: What? Is he dead or something?
Dr. Gregory House: No... Actually until a couple weeks ago, *I* was Cuddy's weird boyfriend.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Ha! You're going to have to do a lot better than that.
[Long pause, Thirteen realizes what House meant]
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Are you okay?
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, I'm fine. It's not a big deal.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [about Spencer] We had to use paddles to stabilize the patient's heart.
Dr. Gregory House: Eye issue, brain issue, now a heart issue. Sounds like a real case to me.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Yeah, I get it. I was wrong. Can we move on?
Dr. Gregory House: You're just upset because the whole time she was with you, she was thinking of my huge, throbbing... diagnostic skills.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy about Eve] How long has Stone been in with her?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you concerned?
Dr. Gregory House: You know how many people get raped everyday?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So it's common, therefore boring.
Dr. Gregory House: We were to care for every person suffering on the planet, life would shut down.
Dr. Gregory House: You had nothing to add, 'cause you were distracted - little devil on your shoulder told you to kill a guy, and now little angel won't shut up, telling you you're going to burn in a lake of fire.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm fine!
Dr. Gregory House: You shouldn't be! Talk to someone. Docs fixed me up in 7 weeks. You're... 10 minutes, tops.
Dr. Robert Chase: We could do a full body scan.
Dr. Gregory House: We *hate* full body scan.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And by "we" you mean you. We also hate it when patients die before we figure out what's wrong with them.
Dr. Gregory House: ...Do the scan.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Cuddy walks in wearing a low cut top] . Good morning, Dr House.
Dr. Gregory House: Good morning, Dr Cuddy. Love that outfit. It says, "I'm professional but I'm still a woman". Actually, it sort of yells the second part.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, and your big cane is real subtle too.
Dr. Gregory House: [trying to talk over the patient, John, who's panicking over losing feeling in his legs] John! We're gonna figure out what's wrong with you, but first we need to know one thing!
[dramatic pause in action and background music]
Dr. Gregory House: Have you ever appeared in any pornos?
Dr. James Wilson: You're just like any other patient. Running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
Dr. James Wilson: You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a... torturous window to the good life.
Dr. Gregory House: What part of "poop" didn't you understand?
Dr. Gregory House: I get it, you're busy. You'll pick him up the next time he comes out of prison.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Is that all?
Dr. Gregory House: You're officially unbusy. Family is family. Take the rest of the day. Go see your brother.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I have work to do.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You did kill Dibala. By playing God and teaching us to do the same.
Dr. Gregory House: I taught you to think for yourselves.
Dr. Allison Cameron: If you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.
[everyone stares at her]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.
Dr. Gregory House: Prep Clarence for surgery.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Care to share with the class?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, come on. Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.
Dr. Gregory House: Gold star for Cameron. For extra credit, explain to the special needs section of the class why our patient's negative TB test is irrelevant.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Dr. House! We need you here.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. Lot of sick people. I might catch something.
[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: [House tries to walk after leg surgery] You're an ass.
Dr. Gregory House: What? For trying to walk on a freshly mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional problems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific.
Dr. James Wilson: [Helping House up] Come on... Listen, you *can't* keep going like this. Something has to change.
Dr. Gregory House: Can I pee first?... I know.
Dr. James Wilson: Sam likes you.
Dr. Gregory House: She wants me to move out.
Dr. James Wilson: No. I want you to move out. I didn't know things with Sam would happen so quickly. I didn't - I don't want to make mistakes here. I've made a lot of mistakes.
Stacy: Leave the blackmail out of the story you tell the committee.
Dr. Gregory House: I tried to leave it out of the story I told you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: House, you're pathetic! You'll analyze anyone's faults, hypocrisies, weaknesses. But this kid's got some strength and all of a sudden, there's no time to talk about anything but the medicine.
Dr. Gregory House: He's teaching prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't, and life sucks. I like him. Treatment?
Dr. Gregory House: For the first time in years, I've got no opiates in my body. Now you question my judgment?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House about Brennan] You're just gonna let him go?
Dr. Gregory House: Absolutely. I'm gonna let him get as far away as possible before you call the cops. Guy's a nut job. Who the hell did I leave in charge?
Taub: Foreman.
Dr. Gregory House: There was a reason for that. Next time, listen to him.
Dr. Gregory House: I won't start lopping off body parts, but it's interesting that you'd give me the green light.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [House becomes entranced while performing open fetal surgery and the fetus' hand emerges and grasps his fingers] House?
Dr. Gregory House: [snaps out of it] Sorry. Just realized I forgot to Tivo "Alien."
Dr. Robert Chase: Millions of women are on fertility treatments, and they don't get cancer.
Dr. Gregory House: Right. They get babies. She had a blood clot and a stroke. She'll get another one and probably die if we don't find that tumor. Do an endometrial biopsy.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Biopsy's painful and unnecessary. We just did an ultrasound.
Dr. Gregory House: [squints and looks at his watch]
Dr. Eric Foreman: What?
Dr. Gregory House: Shh.
Dr. Allison Cameron: If you have a personal issue that's interfering with...
Dr. Gregory House: [interrupts] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Dr. Eric Foreman: What are we waiting for?
Dr. Gregory House: Your four weeks just expired. Your reign of terror is over. Mine has just begun. Now go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer.
[goes into his office]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shakes his head and smiles]
Dr. Robert Chase: [looks confused] Hoo-hoo?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He went to Hopkins.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, you're selling religion! I'm sorry, I bought some Islam yesterday.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cate] Wilson found signs of inflammation in your biopsy. That plus the two failing kidneys points to autoimmune disease. Probably SLE or vasculitis. Treatment for both is prednisone. Start with 100 milligrams...
Dr. Cate Milton: Autoimmune is just your latest theory. Like cancer before that, and a kidney stone before.
Dr. Gregory House: Take the prednisone. You'll get better. That'll be your confirmation.
Dr. Cate Milton: You practice medicine like it's a fire sale. You've wasted antibiotics, X-rays...
Dr. Gregory House: That was not a waste. We ruled out...
Dr. Cate Milton: We have a crew member here who has asthma. If he has an episode after I've used up the prednisone, he'll die.
Dr. Gregory House: There's a good chance he's going to die anyway since there won't be a doctor there to help him.
Alice: I'm out of here.
Dr. Gregory House: You can't. We had a deal.
Alice: Try and stop me.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay. This woman is on a 72-hour psychiatric hold. If she tries to run, shoot her. With a sedative. That's more convenient.
Dr. James Wilson: I suppose throwing yourself into your work isn't the worst thing you could do.
Dr. Gregory House: What is the worst thing I could do?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you being intentionally dense?
Dr. Gregory House: Huh?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] It's late and I'm tired. Can we get to the talking part of this conversation?
Dr. Gregory House: I quit.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Great. My nanny is off the clock at 7:30, so your week off, bigger desk, tighter nurses' uniforms or whatever other stupid thing you're about to demand is going to have to wait until...
Dr. Gregory House: You can go suckle the little bastard child who makes you feel good about yourself.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [looking hurt] Screw you.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy about their first meeting] I was gonna come see you. Figure out where things would go from there. That was the morning I got the call from the Dean. And I was expelled from my first Med School. Didn't seem any point.
Dr. Gregory House: A unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's a donkey with a plunger stuck to its face.
Dr. Gregory House: He's unconscious. No more whining.
Dr. Gregory House: Got the urge to play last night. Had to go all the way back to my old apartment. Thought I'd save on future trips.
Dr. James Wilson: Hmm. It's very eco friendly of you. How about keeping down on the noise pollution.
Dr. Gregory House: Big Love, have I humiliated you in the last half hour?
Cole: No.
Dr. Gregory House: Check your e-mail.
Dr. Gregory House: Patient. Fifteen-year-old. Faith healer. Hotline to God.
Dr. James Wilson: What are his symptoms?
Dr. Gregory House: He is not a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing...
Dr. James Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement?
Dr. Gregory House: The sound of a needy child is stirring your paternal juices.
Dr. James Wilson: The sound of a needy child at 112 decibels has stirred my inner murderer. Don't mess with me.
Dr. Gregory House: Slippery slope. Today, we withhold porn, tomorrow, it's clean bandages.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] What's up with Wilson?
Dr. Gregory House: He's just a little freaked.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: I sent him flowers.
[Cuddy looks confused]
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] I thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Ben: You don't know?
Dr. Gregory House: I know, just can't say, because you'll hit me. Let's discuss this in front of witnesses.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: It looks like you fell on the tip of someone's boot.
Dr. Gregory House: ...I said something that someone objected to.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: Well, if you don't remember then how can you - ?
Dr. Gregory House: That's usually the way it is. Someone hits me. People who kick you when you're down are jerks, but they're generally not irrational jerks.
Stark: I already can't walk. I can't eat. You're telling me that the rest of my life is in this bed, puking and in pain?
Dr. Wilson: We can manage the pain.
Stark: I'd rather just get this over with. I've been trapped in this useless body long enough. It'd be nice to finally get out.
Dr. Gregory House: Get out and go where? You think you're gonna sprout wings and start flying around with the other angels? Don't be an idiot. There is no "after." There's just "this."
Dr. Wilson: House!
Dr. Gregory House: J'ever notice, how all the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa... can't think of any others, they all die alone? The men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz it's crazy.
Dr. James Wilson: It's an unfair world.
Dr. James Wilson: Go away. I have a headache.
Dr. Gregory House: We don't have to have sex. Sometimes it's nice just to cuddle and talk.
Dr. James Wilson: It's exactly what you would do.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm me. You're you.
Dr. James Wilson: ...And a table is a table.
Dr. Gregory House: And chemo is poison. And double chemo is double poison. And I can handle it when things go wrong. You *can't*. And things could go very *very* wrong.
Dr. James Wilson: I can handle it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What's going on with the leg?
Dr. Gregory House: First, tell me what's going on with the boobs.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If you're feeling pain...
Dr. Gregory House: They're firmer...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's called an underwire. I wanna get a pet scan of your brain.
Dr. Gregory House: I think it's hormones.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: As long as there's no increased activity in the thalmus...
Dr. Gregory House: Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business...
Dr. James Wilson: Your biological father was a decent God-fearing minister. The man who raised you was a cold-hearted jerk. I'm trying to figure out why you're so convinced Adam has parentally inflicted damage.
Dr. Gregory House: You're trying to deflect.
Dr. James Wilson: No, you are. You have to believe that every parent screws up every child or you were screwed out of a decent childhood.
Dr. Gregory House: My decent daddy of the cloth was also being indecent with my married mom. He probably would've taken all her kids to the playground.
Dr. Gregory House: [after House has a flashback] Someone is going to die.
Stripper: [to the bouncer] Kenny!
Dr. Gregory House: Not you. I saw something. A symptom. Someone is going to die unless I find them.
Stripper: Who?
Dr. Gregory House: I have no idea.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not lonely. My leg hurts.
Dr. Wilson: She's a real masseuse.
Dr. Gregory House: She's $500 an hour, minimum.
Dr. Wilson: She's hot so she's a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
Dr. Gregory House: The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic. Hello.
Dr. Wilson: She's a legitimate masseuse. Come on. God, she's beautiful.
Dr. Gregory House: Because she's beautiful I should do it? What kind of pathetic logic is that?
Dr. Wilson: The envious, jealous, I'm-married-and-I-can't-do-anything logic.
Eddie: [to House] I don't want the treatment. Do the transplant.
Dr. Gregory House: But you'd be trading the certainty that you'll live for the uncertainty that she'll live.
Eddie: I was ready to die anyway.
Dr. Gregory House: Now you get to be nicer to your next wife.
Eddie: If you won't do it, release me. And when I get hit by a car and show up in your morgue, you can give her my liver then.
Dr. Gregory House: Kid says mom's a slut.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: She called her mom a slut?
Dr. Gregory House: No, I called her mom a slut. Jumps anything with a pole and a pulse. Not that I'm judging here.
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: What about the underwear challenge?
Dr. Gregory House: I declare it officially on hold.
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: Not really fair, but I get it.
[he throws a pair of red panties on the table; everyone is surprised; House looks at Amber, and Amber stands up and pulls her skirt down a little to show that she is still wearing her panties; House looks over at Thirteen, who has a disgusted look on her face]
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: It's Cuddy's.
Dr. Gregory House: Pull down your pants.
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: You think I'm lying?
Dr. Gregory House: No, I want to give you a reward. Yes, I think you're lying.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [finds House sleeping] You've seen one patient in the last two hours.
Dr. Gregory House: Complicated case. I'm a night owl. Wilson's an early bird. We're different species.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Move him into his own cage.
Dr. Gregory House: Who'll clean the droppings from mine?
Judge: [to Alice's bickering parents] Hey, zip it! I've heard enough.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] This lawyering thing is easy.
Judge: [to House] You shut up, too.
Dr. Gregory House: [to the lawyer after some flames come out of the patient's stomach during surgery] That always happens during surgery. It's the gas build up from the blockage. Nothing to sue about. Treat him for the burns. Put him on antibiotics for the Whipple's. He'll be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: Treatment tends to be hit and miss once you reach the sweating blood stage.
Martin: [Upon finding out that his teenage daughter is physiologically a male] This is obviously a joke. This... is impossible.
Dr. Gregory House: No. A joke would be me calling you a homo.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Wait, how do you want us to split up?
Dr. Gregory House: Good question, Overly Excited Former Foster Kid. There's ten of you. I was thinking six against six. No, wait...
Monroe: You gonna test my urine or what?
Dr. Gregory House: [House takes the sample and takes a sip] Not diabetes.
[to Chase and Taub]
Dr. Gregory House: Use cross platettes to try and find the patient some blood that's closer to his own. And get the real story on clown senior's death. Mom's hiding something. Good bet that it's medically relevant.
[House drinks more of the sample]
Dr. Gregory House: Apple juice. Easiest way to fake a spike in blood sugar.
Dr. Gregory House: Adult refsum disease... Fits all symptoms. Body can't process the phtanic acid and chorophyll. It's his healthy diet of green vegetables that's killing him.
[House hands Cameron a sealed envelope, which she assumes is her HIV test results]
Dr. Gregory House: Knowing is always better than not knowing.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [opens the envelope and reads the letter] It's a referral request.
Dr. Gregory House: [holds up an open envelope] Right. HIV thing came in earlier. You're fine.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [incensed] You won't read your mail, but you'll open mine?
Dr. Gregory House: It said confidential. I wanted to know.
Dr. Allison Cameron: The most important letter of my life, and you're still an ass.
Dr. Gregory House: Comforting, isn't it?
[she walks out on him]
Dr. Gregory House: Your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm the doctor who's trying to save your son, you're the mom who's letting him die. Clarification - it's a beautiful thing.
[last lines]
Thirteen: What the hell is this?
Dr. Gregory House: Looks like an envelope with the results for the genetic test for Huntington's inside.
Thirteen: Did you look?
Dr. Gregory House: Thought it would be fun to find out together.
Thirteen: I don't want to know.
Dr. Gregory House: No, you're afraid to know.
Thirteen: I might die. So could you. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, the only difference is you don't have to know about it today, so why should I?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't have to know the lottery numbers, but if someone offered them to me I'd take them.
Thirteen: You spend your whole life looking for answers, because you think the next answer will change something, maybe make you a little less miserable. And you know that when you run out of questions you don't just run out of answers, you run out of hope. You glad you know that?
Dr. Allison Cameron: [hands House some pills] Here. This going to hurt even more. Take two now, two later.
Dr. Gregory House: [House swallows all the pills] Oops.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Nora] I was spending time with you because I want to touch your boobs.
Dr. Gregory House: I have been on a date.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, not since disco died.
Dr. Gregory House: We need to make her cooperate. We have to offer her something she wants.
Dr. Eric Foreman: She wants to kill herself, House.
Dr. Gregory House: ...I can work with that.
Dr. Jessica Adams: I'm not working, House. I'm in the process of looking for a paying job.
Dr. Gregory House: In the meantime, there's no way a do-gooder like you has been volunteering all over town: ladling kittens, spaying soup...
Dr. Jessica Adams: There is a free clinic in Trenton.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, think of this as today's free clinic only with fewer bums with herpes.
Dr. James Wilson: [walks in during a differential] I have a patient. I need...
Dr. Gregory House: Not now!
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll go.
Dr. Gregory House: [she begins to leave] You'll stay. Patient's dying.
Dr. James Wilson: So's mine.
Dr. Gregory House: Not in the next hour.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] You're being cautious. You're being... common. When you don't give a crap...
Dr. Gregory House: [interrupts] How many of your guys have caught cancer from their patients? Let me know when that happens. Then we can have this conversation.
Dr. James Wilson: It's just another case, huh?
Dr. Gregory House: I'll bet you can even have unprotected sex with your cancer patients without catching a damn thing. Boy, I wish I had your job.
Dr. Gregory House: We're smaller and better than chimps, bigger and worse than gorillas. For all our rationality, our supposed trust and fealty to a higher power, our ability to create a system of rules and laws. Our baser drives are more powerful than any of that. We want to control our emotions, but we can't. If we're happy, things don't annoy us. If on the other hand, we're sitting on crappy hole cards, little tiny things annoy us a whole lot more.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Maybe we should pass this file off to another doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: And the next one too? The one after that? How many files till it's okay that Kutner's dead?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] I'm sorry. I know I didn't try to kill her. I know I didn't want her hurt. I know it was a freak accident, but I feel like crap and she's dead because of me.
Dr. James Wilson: I don't blame you. I wanted to. I tried to. I must have reviewed Amber's case file 100 times to find a way. But it wasn't your fault.
Dr. Gregory House: Then we're okay? I mean, I know you're not, but... maybe I can help.
Dr. James Wilson: We're not okay. Amber was never the reason I was leaving. I didn't want to tell you because... because I was trying, like I always do, to protect you which is the problem. You spread misery because you can't feel anything else. You manipulate people because you can't handle any kind of real relationship and I've enabled it for years. The games, the binges, the middle-of-the-night phone calls. I should have been the one on the bus, not... you should have been alone on the bus. If I've learned anything from Amber, it's that I have to take care of myself. We're not friends anymore, House. I'm not sure we ever were.
[picks up his box and leaves his office]
Dr. Gregory House: I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back is turned you wait in line?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Marina] In case no one's filled you in, today's Monday, which means you've been dead for a day. That kind of symptom comes back, it can get serious.
Dr. Gregory House: What do I do if my only option won't work?
Dr. James Wilson: You don't give up.
Dr. Gregory House: [House starts his lecture] Three guys walk into a clinic. Their legs hurt. What's wrong with them?
Dr. Gregory House: [the Keen Student shoots his hand up] I'm not going to like you, am I?
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're right. I don't like you.
Dr. Gregory House: Sure, now that I'm not dying.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: You're an idiot.
Dr. Gregory House: You drove all the way over here to break in and call me an idiot?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: No, I drove all the way over here to tell you we're implanting an automated cardio-defibrillator, which won't actually do anything to help the patient except maybe give us enough time to come up with a guess as to what's actually wrong with her.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, that makes more sense.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Taub] Doctor's lounge. Let's go.
Dr. Chris Taub: Why me?
Dr. Gregory House: Well, I can't ask the black guy or one of the chicks to do it. That would be insensitive.
Dr. Chris Taub: And you can't ask Bosley because that'd look like you only hired the non-doctor to do non-doctor stuff.
Dr. Gregory House: You keep stalling, you're still gonna clean up, but I won't let you have the mop.
Dr. Gregory House: The hospital is part of my old life. If I go back, I might... become who I was before, pills and all.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: That's a possibility. But could be... the only thing worse for you than going back to Diagnostic Medicine is not going back.
Dr. Gregory House: ...Guess we're going to find out.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House about Anica] You just don't wanna admit that she skunked you.
Dr. Gregory House: At the end of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," the wolf really does come and he eats the sheep, and the boy, and his parents.
Dr. Robert Chase: The wolf doesn't eat the parents!
Dr. Gregory House: It does when I tell it.
[Needing Mrs. Davis' permission to treat son Matt, house presents her a document to sign, which he reads]
Dr. Gregory House: "I, Margo Davis, have been informed of the risks which may arise from my refusal of advised medical care. I hereby release..."
Margo: Who are you?
Dr. Gregory House: I work for the hospital. "... the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital and its employees, agents and otherwise from any adverse medical conditions resulting from my refusal. It is not the hospital's fault if my son kicks off."
Margo: "Kicks off?"
Dr. Gregory House: I... punched up the language, mostly for clarification. "I understand my doctors consider my decision to be completely idiotic..."
Margo: Why are you doing this?
Dr. Gregory House: [continuing] "... but I am convinced I know more than they do. I took a biology course in high school." I assume that's... Yeah. "Besides, I enjoy controlling every single aspect of my son's life, even if it means his death." Sign here, please. I brought a pen.
Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson wants a water bed] No, it's the *whole* thing. You need special sheets, and insurance...
Dr. Gregory House: Who cares? You wanted one your whole life. You're a grown up. You can afford it. Stores sell them.
Dr. James Wilson: Most adults don't go through life like you do, House. Indulging our every whim.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't deserve to be happy.
Dr. James Wilson: And yet I am. You?
Dr. Gregory House: Cheese is the devil's plaything.
Mrs. Lucille Hernandez: You are trying to force me to have cosmetic surgery!
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, that's exactly why I planted a 30-pound tumor on your ovary.
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't know people actually read e-mails, the delete button is so conveniently located.
Dr. Gregory House: She has God inside of her. Would have been easier to deal with a tumor.
Dr. Gregory House: You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He went home.
Dr. Gregory House: Work smart, not hard.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You are aware of the Hippocratic oath, right?
Dr. Gregory House: The one that starts, "First, do no harm", then goes on to tell us: no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone? Yeah, took a read once. Wasn't impressed.
Carnell: Please don't.
Dr. Gregory House: [shoots the door with an arrow] That is a nice bow.
Carnell: That was a nice door.
Dr. Gregory House: Put it on my tab. What say we take it up a notch?
[throws an apple to Carnell]
Carnell: Yeah, right. Very funny.
Dr. Gregory House: You don't trust me?
Carnell: No!
Sarah: I'll do it.
[takes an apple from Carnell]
Dr. Gregory House: And we have a gamer.
Carnell: Oh, come on, man. You can't be serious.
[Sarah smiles and puts an apple on her head]
Dr. Gregory House: Why not? Anything goes wrong, we just take her to the doctor. And I'm only eight paces away.
[the team has discovered a piece of metal lodged in the back of the patient's neck]
Dr. Gregory House: The results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. Said it might not even be terrestrial.
Dr. Robert Chase: Really?
Dr. Gregory House: No, you idiot. It's titanium.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Nick's starting to deteriorate fast. He's got bruising all over his arms.
Dr. Robert Chase: Capillaries are leaking blood. If it happens in his brain, he's dead.
Dr. Allison Cameron: We've got to go with the 4 out of 6 donor.
Dr. Gregory House: Hmm. Did I mention my concerns about 4 being less than 6? Wilson's first wife ignored a similar issue. Of course, that time, it was only fatal to their marriage.
Dr. Gregory House: We're fine. Never seen her happier.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah? How about you?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm worried.
Dr. James Wilson: Because she's happy?
Dr. Gregory House: No. Because I am.
Dr. James Wilson: House, that's...
Dr. Gregory House: Ironic? Weird? Crazy?
Dr. James Wilson: I was going to say normal.
Thirteen: Nothing in the biopsy...
Dr. Gregory House: And how is he?
Thirteen: His fever is at 106...
Dr. Gregory House: [Interrupting] I know, but "how is he..."? Bitter? Sexually frustrated...?
Thirteen: He's delightful. Loves the smell of freshly baked rhubarb pie, and isn't afraid to love. Also, his rash is coming back.
Dr. Gregory House: People who live in glass hospitals should not throw exorcisms.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong and your shirt is way too revealing for the office.
Dr. Eric Foreman: There are ways of getting to know people without committing felonies.
Dr. Gregory House: People interest me, conversations don't.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Cause conversations go both ways.
Dr. Eric Foreman,8418: [together] ... Like Thirteen.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I need a hooker.
Dr. Gregory House: Not if you can make that work.
Dr. Eric Foreman: How the hell is that supposed to relax you?... It's not for me, it's for Chase.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm saving myself, too. Maybe you should get a couple.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You're riding me, why not ride him?
Dr. Gregory House: Because I can get a rise out of your BP, his pee-pee, on the other hand... Forget yoga. Embrace Zen. You're a repressed idiot, he's a horny idiot. Neither one of you can do anything about it... Pretty sure that's Zen.
Dr. Gregory House: Of course you know, this means war.
Dr. Morgan: Oh I know. I mean you'll escalate, I'll retaliate. And the cycle will continue until we've *both* gone too far. At which point, maybe I'll be suspended, you'll go back to prison.
Dr. Gregory House: Happy breaking.
Dr. Gregory House: [looking at a CT scan] First, find the name of the company that made the insulation, and second, tell me what I'm seeing that makes me want to short their stock.
Dr. Gregory House: Sleeping Beauty has a jones for Snow White.
Barbara: We want a second opinion.
Dr. Gregory House: Second? I can give you at least eight.
Dr. Gregory House: I want to get better. Whatever the hell that means. Sick of being miserable.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: So you'd like to be happy.
Dr. Gregory House: Again with the reflecting. Yes! I'd like to be happy.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: Being happy is an excellent goal. Not many patients can crystallize exactly what they're hoping to get out of this.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Jim] Well, back in my day, the real dodgers had the stones to run up to Canada or shoot themselves in the foot. They didn't come to free clinics whining for doctors' notes. Go hug your wife. Tell her to get a babysitter. You'll be back in time to video the kid's first steps.
Dr. Gregory House: No fever, no neck pain. Take the elevator to the third floor...
Dr. James Wilson: Whoa whoa whoa... wrong floor! No fever no neck pain, she's fine.
Dr. Gregory House: Smell her hair - no chlorine. Which means she wasn't at the pool. Which means she's come to a quarantined area - because she's an idiot, or she's insane! No one is that stupid. East Wing, Psych Ward - buh-bye!
Dr. Eric Foreman: They're prescribed to her daughter.
Dr. Gregory House: Mommy does everything for her family nowadays. Even takes their pills.
Dr. Gregory House: [House sees the Ducklings looking like crap after an all-nighter] What have you been doing all night?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Jello shots and wild sex, what else?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] Hiding because Vogler's looking for you. That's just pathetic.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't like loud, angry giants threatening me with violence. How is that pathetic?
[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: [sighs] My accounts have been frozen as part of a police investigation.
Dr. Gregory House: [sighs too] They can't keep your money forever.
Dr. James Wilson: [sighs] No, they can keep it till I agree to help send you to prison for ten years.
Dr. James Wilson: [sighs again and pauses] You're getting dinner.
Dr. James Wilson: This isn't just going to go away.
Dr. Gregory House: No, but maybe you will.
Dr. James Wilson: I've just given you the answer, haven't I? And now you're going to walk out of here without saying a word.
Dr. Gregory House: [walking out the door] Nope.
Dr. Gregory House: [to the team over the speakphone] But in the great game of chess that is our relationship, Wilson only sees one move ahead. I see dozens. That is why he will never mate me... That's a Chess term.
Dr. Robert Chase: We don't want to do it either. But Wilson already paid us.
Dr. Gregory House: It's gonna suck.
Dr. Robert Chase: I know.
Dr. Gregory House: Where and when?
Dr. Gregory House: We've got a patient who for no obvious reason is hallucinating. Since it's not obvious, I thought we'd go with subtle.
Dr. Allison Cameron: It doesn't matter. If her sat percentage is off, that means her blood isn't getting enough oxygen; that's a problem with her lungs, not her heart.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And a lung problem isn't causing hallucinations.
Dr. Robert Chase: But the lungs could lead us somewhere that is.
Dr. Gregory House: Welcome to the end of the thought process.
Dr. Gregory House: Who put sand in her vagina?
Dr. James Wilson: You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right. Don't talk to the people involved. Drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation...
Dr. Gregory House: You want to know how two chemicals interact: Do you ask them? No. They're gonna lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: We should talk about your leg.
Dr. Gregory House: You think I have unresolved issues, and you are the unresolved issues.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes.
[pause]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: But I think it's more than that. Your life, your choices...
Dr. Gregory House: I did it to fix my life. No, wait. No, I did it because I am a deeply unhappy person. No, I did it to get sympathy from you. I did it to piss you off. I did it because I'm not over you. Or I was over you and I was moving on. I did it because I wanna know what it's like not to be in pain. I did it because I wanna feel more pain.
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: Whatever the reason, it was a bad reason and a bad idea. That's all that matters. Good lunch.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, since she's still dying, the arsenic obviously wasn't killing her. Since she's now getting worse, the arsenic was obviously fighting the killer. It's a hero. We should be organizing a parade.
Dr. Gregory House: I know there are lipstick lesbians. Are there nail polish remover bisexuals?
Hospital: My job is to protect this hospital. So I strongly advise you to come up with a medical rationale why Baby A should get medicine X, and vice versa.
Dr. Gregory House: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there slick. We didn't all go to law school. Your advice is that I should use medical reasons to make medical decisions? Mm, that's not gonna be as easy...
Hospital: Any medical justification. Doesn't need to be a good one.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, Hartig sounds Jewish, so does Aztreonam. So we'll take the Hartig kids off Vancomycin. How's that?
Dr. Gregory House: You talk to your kid about sex so she'll think you're being open about everything. Keeps her from asking questions about the things you don't wanna talk about.
Dr. Gregory House: This is not a point of pride. This is a point of principle.
Dr. James Wilson: Right. You're the Rosa Parks of hooker massages.
Alice: You better hurry. My lawyer will have me out of here by this time tomorrow.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, about that. It seems that last night you found and self-administered what you thought was a potentially lethal narcotic. Your psych hold has been extended an additional 24 hours. I know, bummer, right?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Pretend time's been going on long enough.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't have a medical license. All I can do is pretend.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And I'm going to have payroll send over some pretend checks starting tomorrow.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, take it easy on Foreman. He's playing with one lobe tied behind his back.
Dr. Gregory House: I can't find you the proof you want because it's trapped inside her head and the only way I can get at it is to cut it open and rip it out, which is apparently the one test you won't let me run. So either I do this or I do nothing.
Dr. Allison Cameron: What do you want me to do? Say yes just because you're House?
Dr. Gregory House: I'd certainly like that, yeah.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [hands the file over House] Yes.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Is this just one of your experiments? You just wanted to see how I'd react to being screwed over by Foreman?
Dr. Gregory House: Nice idea, but no. This was just good old-fashioned laziness. Gotta hand it to Foreman though, he knew that you were a suck up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Right. We're both victims. A simple heads up, that's all I needed. Maybe between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's breasts, you could have tipped me off.
Dr. Gregory House: Then I'd have Foreman pissed at me. And as annoying as you can be, at least I know you're not going to pop a cap in my ass. Witty, huh?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: You're an idiot.
Dr. Gregory House: How'd you get in here?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: My boss has me break into places all the time.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] People don't get personal with you, except for me. And you dismiss me as a jerk who's jerking you around, but this guy can only tell the truth. And he prefers your body to that of a smoking young hottie.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So that was your way of saying I look good today?
Dr. Gregory House: You don't get the slightest kick out of that?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Don't be ridiculous, House.
[House leaves. Cuddy smiles as the elevator door closes]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: From now on, I'm going to supervise your practicum requirements.
Dr. Gregory House: That won't be necessary.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want to annoy another doctor first? Eventually...
Dr. Gregory House: It's not necessary because I'm not ready to be a doctor again.
Dr. Gregory House: If you're wallowing in self-loathing, I've got something that might help. We're getting sued!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You want to kiss me, don't you?
Dr. Gregory House: I always want to kiss you.
[Stacy interrupts House while with a patient]
Stacy: I need to talk to you.
Dr. Gregory House: From the doorway?
Stacy: It's confidential.
Dr. Gregory House: Cool. I love gossip!
Dr. James Wilson: [after House acts rude towards him and Wendy] Why so rude?
Dr. Gregory House: You sprinted through three bad marriages, into an affair with a dying patient, now a naughty nurse? How many more failed relationships are we both going to have to deal with before you learn to love yourself? And I mean that in a literal way.
Dr. James Wilson: It's amazing how you can not only know it's a relationship, but that it's a bad relationship based on nothing but nothing.
Dr. Gregory House: I know you.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm not with her. Not even trying.
Dr. Gregory House: You're lying to me. That's interesting.
Dr. James Wilson: Well, as long as it's interesting.
Dr. Gregory House: [to his lackeys] You find the toxins, you run your bubble study. You won't find anything, but I'll get the office to myself. There's a lot of porn piling up on the internet. Doesn't download itself.
Apple: I was practically blind before the transplant: 20/200 vision.
Dr. Gregory House: Didn't you cover all this personal stuff with Dr. Foreman?
Apple: You don't care who I used to be?
Dr. Gregory House: You're a post-corneal transplant math teacher. I deduced that you were a blind math teacher.
Apple: I was an architect.
Dr. Gregory House: You gave up architecture after you could see?
Apple: The world was ugly. You think the world would be any different if your leg was fine?
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Apple: Think you'd be any different if your leg was fine? I mean, the doctors told me that my life was gonna be so much better once I could see. I would date, I would dance, but, uh... the guys I hated dancing with before, I hated dancing with after. My parents were still dead. I was still alone.
Dr. Gregory House: You're fun.
Dr. Amber Volakis: It could be a tumor to the temporal lobe.
Dr. Chris Taub: Not with a normal CT scan.
Dr. Amber Volakis: You mean it appeared normal to the doc in the ER.
Dr. Gregory House: Way to get right back on that horse, Thirteen.
Thirteen: No, that was Amber.
Dr. Gregory House: Nice try, Cutthroat Bitch. That was the worst Thirteen imitation I've ever heard.
Dr. Gregory House: I thought you loved those 8 seconds.
Lane: ...I do... And now you're telling me that I gotta give them up... I can always find something else to love.
Dr. Gregory House: I check this box, and your next roommates are gonna be Jesus and Crazy McLoonyBin.
Dr. Gregory House: Anybody here more interested in the medicine and a little less interested in the paparazzi?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] I've decided you could do worse than a female proxy for me.
Dr. Gregory House: A secret club? What's the secret? They're all morons?
Dr. Robert Chase: Seizure rules out Hashimoto's.
Dr. Chris Taub: Yeah, that's the issue, not that we have no rational explanation for how the patient spoke a language he's never even heard.
Dr. Gregory House: I've got one. "Dang tong lee twah." It means "you're a bunch of pathetic idiots" in Hmong.
Dr. Eric Foreman: 14 year old girl - intermittent attacks.
Dr. Gregory House: 4 year old boy - consistently at death's door.
Dr. Jessica Adams: [Foreman starts to walk away] This patient died 5 years ago.
[Foreman returns and puts the file on House's desk]
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't say which side of the door he was on.
Dr. Gregory House: Are you having an affair?... Does it bother you that your wife doesn't have the guts to actually ask that question and I do?
Dr. Chris Taub: On both ends... yes.
Dr. Gregory House: The difference is I'm not afraid of the answer, and I might believe you.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm still amazed you're actually in the same room with a patient.
Dr. Gregory House: People don't bug me until they get teeth.
Dr. Gregory House: What happened on the night of the fire?
Dr. Gregory House: [the coma guy is silent] Yeah, I'm sure it's a stressful, emotional question. Suck it up!
Dr. Gregory House: [to House] Why do you want me?
Eve: I don't know.
Dr. Gregory House: [shrugging] I don't wanna treat you.
Eve: You're just saying that so I'll see the psychiatrist.
Dr. Gregory House: True, 'cept for the word "just."
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Oh you were lying about the throat spray. That does make more sense. So why are you wasting Taub's time?
Dr. Gregory House: Because I don't want him to know that I'm wasting my time disproving his fake seizure theory.
Dr. Gregory House: Personally, I choose to believe that the white-light people sometimes see visions this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place while the brain shuts down.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You choose to believe that?
Dr. Gregory House: There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life. I choose the outcome I find more comforting.
Dr. Cameron: You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?
Dr. Gregory House: I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Henry] I think I will miss you most of all, Ridiculously Old Fraud.
Dr. James Wilson: So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic.
Ali: Hey, Dr. House.
Dr. Gregory House: Hello, girl-whose-name-I-don't-remember-but-whose-dad-I-treated-so-I-don't-really-know-why-she's-here.
Thirteen: Bubbles.
Dr. Gregory House: Is that your new stripper name?
Thirteen: Yes. And also we inject bubbles into the cyst and follow where they drift. They end up in the other organs, we know you're right, cut it out, she's fine.
Dr. Gregory House: Bubbles is right.
Dr. James Wilson: You wanna come over for Christmas dinner?
Dr. Gregory House: You're Jewish.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What... what do you care? It's food. It's people.
Amber: Why do you have to believe that I have an ulterior motive?
Dr. Gregory House: For the same reason I believe that crack whores can have sex. For crack.
Dr. Gregory House: [while on the computer] Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click "yes, I am 18." Even a 17-year-old could figure that out.
Dr. Gregory House: [When House wakes up in his apartment to a nurse shining a light in his face] Get that out of my face.
Nurse: Welcome back. I'm Nurse Dickerson.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't need your name. And I got your profession from your super competent technique of melting my retinas.
Dr. James Wilson: I got sacked.
Dr. Gregory House: Did you make a pass at Cuddy? Told you. She only has thighs for me.
Dr. Gregory House: So your arm only hurts after you lay on top of it all night?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Gregory House: Have you ever thought about... I don't know... not doing that?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] Put the phone on the receiver, send the hookers home and get dressed. We've got a case.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm taking a personal day.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Twenty-one year old star of the New York Ballet collapsed on stage.
Dr. Gregory House: I love ballet, but as someone may have mentioned, I'm taking a personal day.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Cuddy said get your ass in or you're fired.
Dr. Cameron: Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.
Dr. Gregory House: Their mistake.
Dr. James Wilson: [discussing Dr. Charles] You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
Dr. Gregory House: And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes... crazy, crazy world.
Dr. Gregory House: [after Chase's patient, Kayla shows up in the ER with a bleeding ulcer] This woman could die because you were too lazy to ask one simple question!
Dr. Robert Chase: No, she might die because I had the bad luck to spill your damn vicodin pills!
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, look at the time. It's half past "Taub was lying about Kutner."
Dr. Chris Taub: He probably went to a comic book fest, spent the night at some Wonder Woman's lair. I'm sure he'll...
Dr. Gregory House: Find out what or who he's doing. Either way, Cuddy's gonna want me to write it under "reason for termination."
Thirteen: Why is everyone leaping to conclude a strong career woman's been made sick by her strong career? It's not B12! It's an insulinoma in her pancreas. It's making her hypoglycemic.
Dr. Gregory House: [sarcastically] Oh, great! Now everyone knows!
Dr. Chris Taub: You knew the patient had cancer?
Dr. Gregory House: Is that what she said? I thought she said: "I am suddenly and irrationally defending the patient's strong career, even though in reality she's just a glorified grunt because I am trying to convince myself that it's okay not to have a life because I don't have a life, because I was tested for Huntington's and my lifespan's been cut in half." Been waiting two months for her to say that.
Dr. James Wilson: Are you curious about heroin?
Dr. Gregory House: Not since last year's Christmas party.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Jack] It can't be genetic. He would have been getting infections since he was an infant.
Dr. Gregory House: Not if he grew up in a bubble.
Dr. Robert Chase: Or if he grew up on Mars. No germs there either.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He probably just moved. Nobody stays perfectly still for their entire MRI.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, probably got restless and shifted one hemisphere of his brain to a more comfortable position.
Dr. Taub: What's with the Death's head cane?
Dr. Gregory House: They didn't have a Death's ass cane in my size.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] Any other neurological deficit?
Dr. Gregory House: You don't seem to annoy me as much as usual.
Dr. Robert Chase: What's with the sudden interest in her future?
Dr. Gregory House: You know, a blacksmith who spends this much time hammering out a new blade from raw Jell-O, he gets curious about who ends up wielding it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: No reason to be curious unless you're interested in wielding it yourself. You want her to intern here.
Dr. Gregory House: [Bursts into operating room] Hey! Don't touch his eye!
Dr. Simpson: This is an appendectomy.
Dr. Gregory House: Like I said, don't touch his eye.
Dr. Gregory House: Just a warning: if we have to start getting consent every time we do a procedure, soon they'll be asking for "informed" consent.
Stacy: He's pushing me out of his life.
Dr. Gregory House: Or maybe you're misinterpreting.
Stacy: Did I misinterpret with you? At least this time I recognize it. That's the benefit of convincing the only two men you've ever loved, they're better off without you.
Ernest: Now, how would you describe the exact nature of the relationship?
Dr. Gregory House: Have you ever seen Wild Kingdom? Those insects that rip their partners' heads off after copulating.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's a sexual relationship.
Dr. Gregory House: Go slowly now. He's writing it down.
Myron: My golf swing's all messed up.
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, here's a radical thought--talk to her.
Myron: The truth?
Dr. Gregory House: Sounds crazy when you put it like that.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [about House's team] Get them out of here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.
Dr. Gregory House: But it is good time adjacent.
Dr. James Wilson: You're destroying your entire life. You can't go back from this. You'll go to jail for years. You can never be a doctor again.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm dead, Wilson. How do you want to spend your last five months?
Dr. Gregory House: Go forth and scan his neck.
Dr. Robert Chase: His neck?
Dr. Gregory House: Or repeat everything I say in question form.
[two cute twins argue a diagnosis]
Dr. Gregory House: Stop it! This argument is distracting every male and lesbian here.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Abigail when she refuses to take growth hormones] You like needing help when you want something off the high shelf? Not being able to press an elevator button above the eighth floor, having to smell ass every time you stand in line? You don't need growth hormone. It's just your ticket out of the freak show.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] You turned off your phone, but you're still wondering, "What could it have been? What emergency will bring down the entire hospital if I decide to take the morning off?"
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm sorry. The clinic is facing reduced funding from the state. Nurse Jeffrey is filing his 12th H.R. complaint. Richardson is threatening to quit because he's basically been a prisoner at the hospital for almost a week.
Dr. Gregory House: Richardson?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The neurosurgeon. He's the only one I have right now, which means he has to stay on the premises at all times or else the hospital technically isn't a level one trauma center.
Dr. Gregory House: Which means?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'd have to shut down the E.R., transfer all of the patients out of the ICU...
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, stop. Turn around.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Because you need to relax.
[rubs Cuddy's shoulders and moves towards the door to the living room]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where are we going?
[House nudges Cuddy out of the room and he starts to close the bathroom door on her]
Dr. Gregory House: I am going to make you a magical bath. It will have bubbles and eastern spices and blue diamonds and green clovers, transformative powers. But I must have solitude to focus my creative energies.
Dr. Gregory House: Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm not always nice. I'm not nice to you.
Dr. Gregory House: Because you know nice bores me. Hence, still nice.
Stacy: I had to do what I thought was right.
Dr. Gregory House: It's the only reason anybody does anything.
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. Problem is Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.
Dr. James Wilson: And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.
Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy cares about her, which means when Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. Then, as a boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling.
Dr. James Wilson: Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.
Dr. Gregory House: "Play date" being their code for "way to weed out the paste sandwiches." They'll hand her puzzles and counting games and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces.
Dr. James Wilson: [House gets a hint and walks away] Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker.
Dr. Gregory House: Thanks for the advice.
Dr. James Wilson: You have got to find less debilitating outlets than humilating people. I hear bowling is more fun than stalking.
Dr. Gregory House: But I'm better at this.
Dr. Gregory House: [to little girl in the kindergarten classroom] Do you have hair in your special place?
Dr. Gregory House: Wilson is dying. Chase is gone. How close to normal do you think we can come?
Dr. Gregory House: Your fourth diagnostic criterion for lupus is psychosis. This is just a kid missing his cat.
Dr. Robert Chase: He was being attacked by an animal that wasn't in the room! That's psychosis.
Dr. Gregory House: There is a difference between psychosis and hallucination.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So if he was imagining a fake cat it would be lupus, but since it was a real cat it's not?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't have to go to Detroit to know that it smells.
[last lines]
Dr. Gregory House: [to Dr. Nolan] What ever the answer is, you don't have it...
Dr. Gregory House: What does the flailing look like?
Dr. Robert Chase: Her arms spasm uncontrollably and there's a mild facial twitch.
Dr. Gregory House: Demonstration?
Dr. Eric Foreman: [in a impatient tone] You wanna know what it looks like, go see the patient.
Dr. Gregory House: Ooh, snarky. Was he like this the whole time I was gone?
Dr. Chris Taub: He hasn't had hallucinations.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about *him* with a capital O-M-G.
Dr. Robert Chase: You want us to do a differential diagnosis on Jesus?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Thirteen and Foreman] Go have sex.
Thirteen: No, thanks.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine, I'll cover the Viagra and the lubricants. Just get me a receipt.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We have zero feelings for each other.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, that's too bad 'cause things worked much better when you did. Would it help if I slept with her?
Thirteen: We were getting to a diagnosis.
Dr. Gregory House: No, we were already at the diagnosis. You were creating a fake argument about an irrelevant treatment issue 'cause you can't stand to be around each other. So have sex, fight or quit, I don't care. Whatever you're doing now isn't working.
Dr. Gregory House: [as he examines the rash on Peng's leg] Thin leg. It's been in a cast.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So?
Dr. Gregory House: So it could be radiation poisoning.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: From a broken leg?
Dr. Gregory House: From the X-rays they took of it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He could break every bone in his body and still not have enough x-rays to cause radiation sickness.
Dr. Gregory House: Unless those X-rays were performed in Wankoff, North Korea by a 3rd-grade dropout with a 50-year-old imager.
Dr. Gregory House: Someone's gonna be miserable sometime. Accept it. That's how I stay so happy.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm going to say it was the ex-girlfriend you cheated on - not the ex-wife you cheated with. Because if the latter was prone to violence, you would've been scattered across various dumpsters years ago.
Dr. Chris Taub: [Looking around to the rest of the team] Seriously? No one wants to talk about the patient? New office furniture, we need a new topic.
Dr. Robert Chase: [Pulling out his wallet] What's the action on the ex-wife?
Dr. Gregory House: There is one chemical that, if ingested, can cause a person's estrogen level to increase dramatically.
Bill: What is it?
Dr. Gregory House: It's called estrogen.
Joel: [to House about their baby] We're good parents. We fed her whenever she was hungry.
Rachel: Big meals. We had no idea that diet was so bad for her.
Joel: The nutritionist said it had everything she needed!
Dr. Gregory House: The kid who stacks the free-range grapefruit in your health food store is not a nutritionist.
Dr. Gregory House: Admit it - you're curious why I want to make her angry.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm sure it's convoluted, wrong, and stupid.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Tritter] I'm a cripple who works in a hospital. You don't think I can get a valid prescription?
Michael: Arrogant son-of-a-bitch like you? Oh, I bet you didn't bother.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't worry about it. We use recyclable clothes now. Wear them once, then eat them.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?
Dr. Gregory House: No, but I now have a much greater respect for whichever basketball player you dated in college.
Dr. Gregory House: Guy's bleeding out of his pores. What does that tell us? Other than that you don't want to play basketball against him and he's dying?
Dr. Eric Foreman: When is he getting his license back so we can stop playing this game?
Dr. Gregory House: Maybe never. This game is fun.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I need to say something.
Dr. Gregory House: Something personal?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah.
Dr. Gregory House: I can't leave because you've got something interesting in that file.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Sorry. You're an arrogant ass who makes it impossible for anyone to like him, by a bunch of people who don't deserve...
Dr. Gregory House: Can we get to the "but" part of this speech?
Dr. Eric Foreman: But I like you.
Dr. Gregory House: No you don't. You're just reacting to the perception of my death. Need to put things in order, feel guilt.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Would you just shut up?
Dr. Gregory House: See? I annoy you.
Dr. Gregory House: [to a patient] Take these, go home, talk to your daughter.
Woman: What?
Dr. Gregory House: Your pants, your blouse, your scarf are all freshly dry cleaned. Everything except your jacket, it's got a smudge on it. Probably two days old. Which means you didn't know the jacket had been worn. So either your husband is a crossdresser or your daughter has been borrowing your clothes without telling you. Probably wants to look older, to get into bars.
Woman: I don't have a daughter.
Dr. Gregory House: You're either perfect or you're sick.
Dr. Chris Taub: [speaking of Cuddy] Just tell her how you feel. If you won't, then I will. I'll walk right down there. Damn it. Love like this needs to fly free.
Dr. Gregory House: [Kutner and Thirteen muffle their laughs] You talked to Wilson.
Dr. James Wilson: So you're going to acknowledge that people can change?
Dr. Gregory House: No.
Dr. James Wilson: You think I've changed? Or Amber's changed?
Dr. Gregory House: Nope.
Dr. James Wilson: Then YOU'VE changed!
Dr. Gregory House: If you do change, can't it be the part of you that chases me down the halls trying to change me?
Dr. James Wilson: Do you know what this means?
Dr. Gregory House: That you've made ONE good dating choice. The fabric of the space-time continum could unravel.
Dr. James Wilson: My world could expand. I could form a long term connection that isn't with you. And since you put the darkest possible construction on everything, you could end up losing a friend... You've thought of all this, and yet you're going along with it. Are you being self-sacrificing?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] Coma guy needs cable. Women's billiards is the only thing that's keeping him alive.
Dr. Gregory House: [after a patient wakes up during an autopsy] Think the autopsy's going to have to wait a little bit.
Maddy: I've dealt with worse. Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. Still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot.
[House smiles]
Maddy: What?
Dr. Gregory House: Care to go for a spin?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cameron] Love what you're wearing. Brings out the blue of the case file, which means it's not from the ER. So why are you here?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because Dr. Cuddy is not here. She's decided to spend some more time at home with the baby for a while. I'm taking over some of her day-to-day responsibilities, like babysitting you.
Dr. Gregory House: Interesting. You have your whole life ahead of you, so why would Cuddy want you to die so young?
Dr. Allison Cameron: She figured I'd spent three years working for you. I was innoculated.
Dr. James Wilson: [House and Wilson are discussing Wilson's date with Cuddy the night before] Yes, I slept with her.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No.
Dr. Gregory House: [House looks him over] Yes you did!
Dr. James Wilson: Yes... I did.
Dr. Gregory House: Seriously?
Dr. James Wilson: No.
Dr. Gregory House: [about Wilson, who's talking to a nurse] Who's he talking to?
Dr. Allison Cameron: What?
Dr. Gregory House: It's got an ass. Technically, that makes it a who.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, you're off the case. Your treatment privileges are suspended until you accept Tritter's deal.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, I'm obviously not going to take the deal just so I can have the fun of treating a dwarf, so I assume there's more to this threat.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm also cutting off your Vicodin.
Dr. Gregory House: That could work.
Dr. Gregory House: You're a cold hearted bitch who ripped his heart out. I watched him struggle for years to overcome the damage you did. There's no way I"m just going to let you reel him back in so you can do it all over again.
Sam: ...And all this?
Dr. Gregory House: Phase 2 of getting to know my enemy.
Sam: You're wrong about me. But I'm glad, now I don't have to preten to like you, except for when James is standing next to me.
Dr. Gregory House: Same here. Only difference is, I'll outlast you.
[first lines]
Warden: Giving good... ish behaviour in eight of twelve months time served we have the discretion to grant parole Friday the 10, five days from now. Are you sorry about what you did?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
Warden: Yes?
Dr. Gregory House: That's the right answer, it isn't?
Case: Are you trying to annoy us?
Dr. James Wilson: I'm not here for an argument, House.
Dr. Gregory House: No. Right. That's room 12-A.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: The nurses were concerned and they called me. There was evidence of abuse; you took a big legal risk by not calling Social Services.
Dr. Gregory House: Those parents were not abusive, they're idiots.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Oh, well that's certainly a relief.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Ezra] He says no more tests. He wants to die and he wants us to help him do it.
Dr. Gregory House: And I want to play a little game I like to call "Block My Spike" with Misty May.
Dr. Gregory House: I finally have a case of lupus.
Dr. Weber: Do I know you?
Dr. Gregory House: I know your math skills, they blow.
Dr. James Wilson: Touche.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] Why don't you just hang out in the video store and tell everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze? By the way, that ending really made no sense at all.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, almost forgot, I need to give a 16-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No problem.
[House exits her office]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I was being sarcastic!
Dr. Gregory House: Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript.
Dr. James Wilson: House, you are a drug addict. You go to prostitutes. You can't be judgmental.
Dr. Gregory House: And yet...
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if it isn't the old ball and Ukraine.
Dr. Gregory House: It's a book.
Dr. James Wilson: Of sermons. For anyone else, spiritually enlightening. For you - it's practically a psychotic break... I know that you have trouble sometimes with the pain without the Vicodin. Is that it? Are you so out of options, you're looking for answers in what you consider irrationality?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm all right. Trust me.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House, about Ezra's unethical research] He injected newborn babies with radioactive agents just to see if they'd urethral reflux.
Dr. Gregory House: He was curious.
[last lines]
Dr. James Wilson: When the cancer starts getting really bad...
Dr. Gregory House: Cancer's boring.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Tritter] I'm sorry. You could throw a dart at all the adjectives between arrogant and unhinged and I'm sure you'd hit one that describes me. There's a reason I operate that way... I live in pain. Pain that on good days is merely intolerable and on bad ones will suck the life-force right out of you. Doesn't mean that I've handled this right, actually, means I was wrong.
Michael: Thank you. I know that couldn't have been easy for you to say. Even if you don't mean a word of it.
[Tritter starts to walk away, but House follows him]
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sorry! You can hook me up to a damn polygraph.
Michael: And I'm sure you'd pass. The thing is I've never been interested in what you have to say. All I care about is what you do. I'll see you at the hearing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm not pregnant.
Dr. Gregory House: My leg doesn't hurt.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're in denial.
Dr. Gregory House: No I'm not!
[pauses]
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, you got me!
Dr. Gregory House: Twenty seconds. Pretty good.
Dr. Allison Cameron: For what?
Dr. Gregory House: Time it took you to go from hard-ass to human being.
Dr. Gregory House: [about a patient with a potential UTI, possibly from too much sex] Excessive Antarctic drilling. Bad for the environment, and the ladies.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Ali] Exactly when did New Jersey run out of horny 17-year-old boys?
Ali: About five weeks ago. It's been very lonely.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Do not try and force me to choose between my child...
Dr. Gregory House: I'm forcing you to do your job!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: France. And not Paris or the Riviera. But there's this place in Normandy. It's on a tidal island. Everyone who's not staying in one of the small inns has to leave before the tide comes in. You have this 900-year-old fortress all to yourself. It's called...
Dr. Gregory House: Mont-Saint-Michel.
Dr. Gregory House: Look, if you want me to give you a reason to leave her, fine! Apparently you hadn't noticed, but she's got a serious mental illness.
Billy: It's too hard.
Dr. Gregory House: It's always hard.
Dr. Gregory House: When did my signature get so girly?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I can explain.
Dr. Robert Chase: If it were really a person and we had no other options, we'd do an exploratory surgery. Cut into his chest and have a look around.
Dr. Gregory House: Let's do that!
[stars to leave, but then stops in front of Cuddy]
Dr. Gregory House: You're the one who insists we treat it like a person. I'll put it back when I'm done.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House] If you're too distracted to deal with this because your leg hurts, then...
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, I'm distracted! I'm all hung up on this 15-year-old patient who's cataplectic, can't remember what she had for lunch and is rapidly losing control of her body. And I want her father here in case they've got any more secrets that I need to know about. Now, if you're not too distracted, go take out a piece of her brain and stick it under a microscope.
Ezra: I don't want to live hooked to machines, too weak to wipe my own ass.
Dr. Gregory House: Why would you want to wipe your own ass when you could have someone do it for you?
Dr. Gregory House: Natural selection sucks. We pick our mates based on breast size, cars they drive. They did autopsies on married couples and found correlations in pancreas size. We're hardwired to pick for stupid reasons. You have the chance to pick for smart reasons.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I think the Germans had a similar theory about 60 years ago.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not advocating wiping out entire races. I'm just saying you don't want to mate with the first plastic cup that buys you a drink.
Dr. Gregory House: I was self-destructive. It won't happen again. I'm making changes. Stop doing stupid things.
[last lines]
Dr. Gregory House: Tell Cuddy I want Ketamine.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, I missed that. Hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] I.T.'s been trying to close out Kutner's e-mail account. Apparently someone's still logged onto it.
Dr. Gregory House: It wasn't hard to figure out that his password was "Kutner."
Dr. Gregory House: [to the Senator] Some day there will be a black president. Some day there will be a gay president. Maybe there will even be a gay, black president. But one combination I do not see happening is gay, black, and dead. You need to stop lying to me.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] Why did you get so drunk at 5:00 in the afternoon, alone?
Dr. Gregory House: I need a reason?
[last lines]
Dr. Eric Foreman: What would Cuddy have done?
Dr. Gregory House: [slight pause] Ten clinic hours.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Cuddy is not here anymore. You've got thirty.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: How'd you know it was me?
Dr. Gregory House: There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Needle in a haystack.
Dr. Gregory House: It's worse than that. We don't even know it's a needle we're looking for.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Talk to each other.
Dr. Gregory House: How are you doing? Good?
Dr. James Wilson: Fine, thanks.
[they both get up to leave]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Eh, eh, eh, eh, sit!
[they both sit back]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: See? The two of you are friends. Look how you both...
Dr. Gregory House: ...think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel about what he's doing.
Dr. Gregory House: I told him he's an idiot.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving.
Dr. Gregory House: I think he's an idiot.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're an idiot. He's in pain, and your response is just to emotionally blackmail him!
Dr. Gregory House: You told me what your position is on that one. You're against it, right?
Dr. James Wilson: She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Wilson] Go to hell!
Dr. Gregory House: So much for that theory.
Dr. Gooding: Turn on the bypass, please. Good. Good distal flow.
Dr. Gregory House: [Enters operating theatre] Need to look at the heart.
Dr. Gooding: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Can't find my wallet. Pick it up, turn it over.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Dr. Cuddy] What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?
[first lines]
Dr. Gregory House: [after opening door and seeing Wilson] Come in.
Dr. James Wilson: I'm not doing any more chemo.
Dr. Gregory House: Good plan. You'll be dead in five months.
Dr. James Wilson: We went for a cure. It didn't work. I've thought about this a lot. Five more months on this earth is reasonable. A year in the hospital in excruciating pain is... not.
Dr. Gregory House: With two weeks on, two weeks off of chemo, you'll have way more than a year, maybe two or three.
Dr. James Wilson: House... I'm sorry.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not gonna let you just die.
Hanna: What happened?
Dr. Gregory House: You know that giant construction crane next door? It's kind of on top of you now.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm busy.
Thirteen: We need you to...
Dr. Gregory House: Actually, as you can see, I'm not busy. It's just an euphemism for "get the hell out of here!"
Dr. Gregory House: [about Stacy] She's over-reacting.
Dr. James Wilson: You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.
Dr. Gregory House: So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't know who's been gossiping about ethics instead of sex, but I hope they've already been fired.
Dr. Gregory House: Male menopause. High estrogen, low testosterone. Explains the temperature swings, disorientation. Endocrinologically similar to female menopause but without the vaginas and mah-jong tiles.
Dr. Chi Park: Violence isn't an appropriate way to handle conflict. It was a moment of weakness.
Dr. Gregory House: You barked at me, picked a fight with a painting crew. Maybe it's time to recognize it's not a character flaw. Maybe it's your character.
Rachel: What happened to your leg?
Dr. Gregory House: I was trying to make it better.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He was being reckless. Sit back, honey.
Dr. James Wilson: [House enters the cafeteria and snatches a bag of potato chips from Wilson's tray] Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?
Dr. Gregory House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.
Dr. James Wilson: Geez, Cameron's got a big mouth!
Dr. Gregory House: Ha, not as big as yours!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] I wasn't in your endocrinology class...
Dr. Gregory House: You sat next to me. I cheated off you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I audited your endocrinology class.
Dr. Gregory House: Why would you?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because I thought you were an interesting lunatic even then. I'm not here protecting hospital property.
Dr. Gregory House: The fact that you fired her takes it from a little complicated to a little moronic.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It was the only way I could...
Dr. Gregory House: It wasn't because you were too in love with her. It's because you were too in love with your career. We're almost at my floor, so I'll summarize. Your problem not mine.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [about Melinda] What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis? Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure and then heart failure.
Dr. Gregory House: And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [after House opens his door] Mind if I come in?
Dr. Gregory House: Not at all. Do you mind if I leave?
Stacy: I met Mark at a fundraiser that happened to be held at a...
Dr. Gregory House: You met me at a strip club.
Stacy: You were the worst two dollars I've ever spent.
Dr. Gregory House: You know what this means?
Dr. James Wilson: Your mom's a slut?
Dr. Gregory House: That, and she's not as boring as I thought she was.
Dr. Eric Foreman: They were trying to escape his evil, pill-popping racist dad. You would have liked him. We should do another biopsy.
Dr. Gregory House: How do you know that dad was racist?
Dr. Eric Foreman: He beat up his son for dating a black girl. Extrapolated from that...
Dr. Gregory House: You see racism everywhere. Maybe he just didn't like this black girl.
Dr. Gregory House: You have only one decision to make: do you leave here with one dead son or two?
Dr. Gregory House: Mirror syndrome has a limited number of known causes.
Dr. Cameron: Tachyarrhythmia, fetal anemia, placental chorioangioma...
Dr. Gregory House: All of which are fixable. Which would be un-unfavorable, right?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Could also be Trisomy 13, Epstein's anomaly, an aneurysm of Galen's vein...
Dr. Gregory House: And Dr. Storm Cloud rained all over the differential and killed the beautiful little baby.
Dr. Gregory House: Fine. I get it. It's your life, you can screw it up. I can wait.
Dr. James Wilson: For what?
Dr. Gregory House: To tell you, "I told you so."
Dr. Wilson: [to House] I treat patients for months, maybe years! Not weeks, like you!
Dr. Gregory House: I'm taller.
Dr. Gregory House: Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis and I don't buy that it's unrelated.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He loves her! He did everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.
Dr. Gregory House: [looks puzzled] What does that mean?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness...
[smiles]
Dr. Allison Cameron: You know, maybe I should give a more relatable example.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, snap!
Dr. Gregory House: [when told that his patient doesn't lie] This is going to be a tough case. I know almost nothing about alien physiology.
Dr. Gregory House: [to a parent about her crying daughter] Give her twenty milligrams of antihistamine. Could save her life 'cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [looking up exasperated] Delivering goodwill to yet another continent.
Dr. Gregory House: Wilson's a fool. I'm an idiot.
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: That's your breakfast?
Dr. Gregory House: Technically, it's Wilson's lunch.
Dr. Gregory House: I slept with Cuddy. After she helped me detox from Vicodin. I've been clean for almost 24 hours now.
[Wilson stares at House]
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, thought I'd mention it.
Dr. James Wilson: Wow. Wow! One for each.
Dr. Gregory House: That's what she said "Haaa."
Dr. James Wilson: How's the pain?
Dr. Gregory House: She's probably got some bruising.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah. I get it. You're a stud. This is serious, House.
Dr. Chris Taub: I've known a lot of bullies: people who didn't like me because I'm short, people who didn't like me because I'm Jewish...
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, I get it. There's a long list of reasons not to like you.
Dr. Gregory House: I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.
Dr. Gregory House: Who would you fire?
Dr. Allison Cameron: No one.
Dr. Gregory House: Not an option.
Dr. Allison Cameron: If everyone took a paycut and put in a few more hours, we could all stay for the same amount of money.
Dr. Gregory House: Figures you'd try to come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is the world doesn't work that way just 'cause you want it to.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Figures you'd stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn't go away just because you want it to.
Dr. Gregory House: The wicked shall deceive ye because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots, his ocular muscle didn't paralyze, it pirouetted.
Dr. Gregory House: I hope this is me detoxing otherwise, I soiled a perfectly good pair of underwear last night for nothing.
[last lines]
Dr. Lim: [entering] Hey, seriously man, you're not supposed to be here.
Dr. Gregory House: [slouched in a lounge chair] I'm performing a delivery.
Dr. Kubisak: You are?
Dr. Gregory House: A patient whose prenatal care I've been handling. Just took her on a couple minutes ago. Of course, I'll need one of you two guys to supervise.
Dr. Lim: When is she due?
Dr. Gregory House: Late March.
Dr. Kubisak: That's five months from now.
Dr. Gregory House: [big grin] Thank God these chairs are comfortable.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That fight... it was the first honest interaction you and I have had since we came back to work. If we are painfully, brutally honest with each other, maybe we'll get lucky again.
Dr. Gregory House: You've got a big ass.
Dr. Wilson: [to House about Stark] Why can't you just let him have his fairy tale? If it gives him comfort to imagine beaches and loved ones and life outside a wheelchair...
Dr. Gregory House: Are there 72 virgins too?
Dr. Gregory House: And the moron still won't talk.
Dr. Chris Taub: Bad guy cool. Good guy moron.
Dr. Gregory House: Pretty much.
Dr. Gregory House: [answering Newsweek's phone call about Dr. Charles' condition] In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot! Yeah, you can quote me... C-U-D-D-Y.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] You're smiling. That's a bad sign.
Dr. Gregory House: Ladies and Gentlemen! I have nothing in my hands, nothing up my sleeve. I do have something in my pants, but that's not going to help with this particular trick.
Stacy: That's how you tell this guy he's dying?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh relax. He's got a cold, and soon, health insurance.
Dr. Gregory House: [talking about 9-year-old cancer patient] She's such a brave girl, I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she's gonna die.
Dr. James Wilson: [long pause] Go to hell.
Dr. Gregory House: You know how it is with nuns, you take out their IUDs, they just bounce right back.
Dr. Eric Foreman: So we're taking this case 'cause you're a fan?
Dr. Gregory House: No, that would be crazy and unprofessional. You're taking this case 'cause I said so.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Whitney] Hi. I'm Greg.
Whitney: Hi. I'm Whitney.
Dr. Gregory House: Hi, Whitney. How can I help you?
[limps to a stool and sits down]
Whitney: I have a... a terrible headache.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll get you fixed up. Is there anything else you need like a bottle of water? Coffee? Mint tea?
Whitney: No, but that's so nice. Usually the clinic doctors were kinda rushed.
Dr. Gregory House: If you can't be nice, why be a doctor.
Dr. Robert Chase: What do you think you're going to figure out, you think... her lack of pain is somehow the answer to your pain?
Dr. Gregory House: I think... if you'd stop talking to Cameron, then right now we could be ranking nurses in order of do-ability.
Dr. Gregory House: You know how the laughter of little children is infectious? Well, parasites and fungi are even more so. We're going to find out which one is making her brain bubble over.
Judge: Your testimony is that their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now.
Dr. Gregory House: Am I under oath?
Judge: Let's say yes.
Dr. Gregory House: My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now.
Judge: Literally no time for a second opinion.
Dr. Gregory House: Won't be as good as the first opinion.
Dr. Gregory House: Sixteen-year-old girl. High fever, vomiting, bloodshot eyes...
Dr. Chris Taub: Wow. The case of the really bad flu.
Dr. Gregory House: Hmm, let me see. Did I leave anything out? Oh, yeah. The smallpox.
Martha: Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago.
Dr. Gregory House: So were Hush Puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?
Martha: I was just down by Dugan's room. They were gonna give him the wrong medicine. I tried to change the order, but I'm not a doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: Good. The wrong medicine is the right medicine.
Martha: But he wanted steroids, not chemo.
Dr. Gregory House: He wants to live.
Martha: I'm gonna tell him what's going on.
Dr. Gregory House: No, you're not. I don't mind your morality, in theory. But in practice, you're risking my patient's life. So you're fired.
Martha: You think that's gonna stop me from telling him?
Dr. Gregory House: If you do, I'll get you thrown out of medical school.
Martha: I haven't done anything that would merit that.
Dr. Gregory House: I know, but unlike you, I'm willing to lie.
Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't *need* to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: Everything in your life has been about finding the truth. But suddenly with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick man's delusions. You just want to take a swing at me, huh? You don't care about getting out. You don't care about him. You don't even care about the truth!
[Scoffs]
Dr. Darryl Nolan: You don't care about anything, House! I'm transferring you to Winslow Psychiatric. You'll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes. I'm done!
Dr. Gregory House: Don't. I need help.
Thirteen: You're saying we should use the cop thing to force him to talk?
Dr. Gregory House: Force? I'm talking about the womanly art of persuasion.
[Thirteen starts to walk to the room. House looks at Chase]
Dr. Gregory House: I said *womanly*!
[Chase and Thirteen enter]
Dr. Gregory House: Don't have TiVo on this thing! Can't rewind! Shut up!
Dr. Allison Cameron: What's with the jacket?
Dr. Gregory House: It keeps me warm and cool. How does it know?
Dr. James Wilson: You just brought me out here to rant because faith annoys you?
Dr. Gregory House: Mmh. He's all better. You know I get if people are just looking for a way to fill the holes, but they want the holes. They wanna live in the holes and they go nuts when someone pours dirt in their holes. Climb out of your holes, people!
Dr. Gregory House: My diagnostic test worked. It proved the patient had a steroid-induced psychosis.
Dr. Walter Cofield: And that's what you took away from this situation?
Dr. Gregory House: The brain was not a symptom of an underlying disease.
Dr. Walter Cofield: Your colleague was stabbed. Are you telling me you didn't care?
Dr. Gregory House: [a patient gave himself a circumcision] Just like Abraham did it.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I opened it, I didn't think it was a house warming gift. I thought it... was an engagement present... It just happened last night.
Dr. Gregory House: No wonder you wanted to hide this from me. Since I'm such a delicate flower.
Stacy: You know what Woody Allen said about relationships? Irrational and crazy, but go through it all because...
Dr. Gregory House: We need the curry.
Dr. James Wilson: So you're doing some random stranger a favor? It's illegal. People go to jail for that. Pay huge fees.
Dr. Gregory House: Have you seen me practice medicine? You know how much it costs to have a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, massage therapist, whore. I do. She's willing to work 4 days a week for free. It's gonna save me about $30,000. All I have to do is say two word: "I do."
Dr. James Wilson: And if she doesn't see it this way?
Dr. Gregory House: Iron clad pre-nup. We go our separate ways. Your stunned look, I take it, it's your way of saying "Brilliant idea House."
Dr. James Wilson: Middle-aged man. Had hair transplant about two months ago...
Dr. Gregory House: Infection throwing clots. You're an idiot.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Are you okay?
Dr. Gregory House: I hurt my shoulder playing Fantasy Football.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If you did your morning run, and showered at home, you'd be later than usual.
Dr. Gregory House: [Turns back and yells] I thought of you in the shower.
Martin: [after Alex goes into cardiac arrest during her detox] You son of a bitch. You killed her.
Dr. Gregory House: She's not dead.
Martin: She had a heart attack!
Dr. Eric Foreman: She's stable now. The anesthesia...
Martin: Get her out of that coma.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't think so.
[starts to walk away]
Martin: Stop this. All right. I... I don't consent anymore. I want to do the slow detox.
Dr. Gregory House: [stops walking and looks at Martin] Did you ever get a paper cut? A really nasty one, between the fingers? Well, multiply that by about a billion and you just barely approach the kind of suffering she'll experience if we wake her up now. We're committed to this. She's out till morning. Go get a book.
Dr. Gregory House: How's Cameron?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Dr. Cameron?
Dr. Gregory House: Sure. Let's start with her and then move on to all the other Camerons we know.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I'm sorry. I'm just not used to you asking about someone's well-being.
Dr. Gregory House: I can understand how the question would surprise you. I didn't quite get how it would confuse you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Why do you wanna know?
Dr. Gregory House: Why do you wanna know why I wanna know?
Dr. Eric Foreman: Just... curious.
Dr. Gregory House: Me, too.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You don't get curious.
Dr. Gregory House: I'm the most curious man in the world.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not about trivialities.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, then, this must not be trivial.
Dr. Hourani: I must be in the midst of a Complex Partial Seizure because I know you are *not* sitting at my desk.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry. Ran out of lotion in mine.
Dr. Hourani: Get the Hell out of here!
Dr. Gregory House: Can't. This is the only place left that Cuddy would never look for me. Still haven't found what I'm looking for yet.
Dr. Hourani: I can tell what you're about to find is my foot in your ass!
Dr. Gregory House: I'm sure this goes against everything you've been taught, but right and wrong do exist. Just because you don't know what the right answer is, maybe there's even no way you could know what the right answer is doesn't make your answer right or even okay. It's much simpler than that. It's just plain wrong.
Dr. James Wilson: Have you read "Moby Dick"?
Dr. Gregory House: It was a book?
Dr. Robert Chase: What are you so excited about?
Dr. Gregory House: Why wouldn't I be? Got all my starters back, plus a couple of first-class free agents. I feel like Mike Tomlin.
[Tomlin look-alike Foreman glares at him]
Dr. Gregory House: Probably not as much as you do, but... you get the idea.
Thirteen: [to House] This is a game? First, we have to screw with our co-worker and now we have to try to figure out what you want us to say? This is insane. I'm not playing.
Dr. Gregory House: Right. You should've said this two days ago. Do not play games with me. Number one, you're going to lose, you're just not ready. Number two, the game was to force you to stop playing games. I need you to stand up to me. Challenge me. I need you to stop worrying about getting fired. Go pay for my cable.
Dr. James Wilson: House?
Dr. Gregory House: Sshhh. I'm with a patient.
[Wilson turns on the lights to see the patient House is with passed out]
Dr. Gregory House: Sleep study.
Dr. James Wilson: You drugged him?
Dr. Gregory House: I didn't say the study was voluntary.
Dr. Gregory House: See, problem with speculation is you make a speck out of you and some guy named Lation.
Dr. Gregory House: God's sakes Wilson! You really span the chasm between wishy and washy. If you're gonna be an ass, be an ass. Stick with it!
Dr. Gregory House: This is not a test. You're not getting your job back. If you can...
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: I know what it's like to get this news. And no one should have to get it from you!
Dr. Gregory House: Pins. Some people use them to tailor a shirt, others use them to kill a baby.
Dr. Gregory House: You know what I found interesting about this case?
Dr. James Wilson: That it proved that people can love unconditionally, and you can tell yourself it's not true, but you'll just end up in a hotel room in Atlantic City asking someone to cut your heart out?
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, Cameron, how would you like your old job back? I'm asking because it's the only way I can fire you.
Dr. Gregory House: [yelling in the clinic after Cuddy has upset him] Who here doesn't have any health insurance? Michael Moore was right. MRIs, PET scans, neuro-psych tests, private rooms for all these patients. Fight the power!
Dr. Eric Foreman: What's the emergency?
Dr. Gregory House: [holding a yo-yo] I can't remember how to do walk the dog.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't worry your life will go back to sucking soon enough. Everything that happened to you can be rationally explained.
Daniel: I know. It's just... that's a lot of coincidences.
Dr. Gregory House: I claim this burger in the name of Queen Isabella of Spain.
Dr. Jessica Adams: I'll go check on the patient.
[as she gets up and House is about to bite down on her burger]
Dr. Jessica Adams: I have hepatitis C.
Dr. Chi Park: [as House is about to bite down on her burger instead] She got it from me.
Dr. Gregory House: Jack Cannon is not dead. It's worse. Ten books leading up to a final confrontation. She ends it on a cliffhanger, I mean, who does that?
Dr. Chris Taub: People who want to sell you the 11th.
Dr. Gregory House: She was gonna kill herself. That is the final Jack Cannon, and nothing gets resolved. Who's his father? Who killed his brother? How'd he get that damn scar on his cheek? And why is he obsessed with yo-yos?
Stacy: We need to talk.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, God, are you pregnant? 'Cause I really wanna finish high school!
Dr. Gregory House: [to Taub as House is skeet shooting and can't hit anything] I'd turn around and shoot you but apparently I'd miss.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, I've got a DYFS home visit on Friday.
Dr. Gregory House: And I've got a W-H-O-R-E visit on...
Dr. Gregory House: [to a Canadian] Thought I had detected the sickly sweet smell of maple syrup and socialized medicine.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.
Dr. Gregory House: In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Take the case or you will spend the next month helping the collapse team change bandages.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [about Hannah] She's going to jump off the lobby balcony.
Dr. Gregory House: You think I can catch her?
Dr. Gregory House: [Have a meeting in the bathroom while Foreman and Taub are doing their business] Swollen joints, high white count, fever, conjunctivitis. Anyone?
Dr. Eric Foreman,15143: Seriously?
Dr. Gregory House: What? You can't think and poop at the same time? There's a life at stake here.
Dr. Gregory House: [about House's ex-girlfriend's new husband] He's my patient. I'm sure he's a good guy, he's probably a great guy. Probably a much better guy than I am. And some part of me wants him to die. I'm just not sure if it's because, I want to be with her, or if it's because I want her to suffer.
[handing over his cane to Amber]
Dr. Gregory House: Would you mind holding my metaphor for a second?
Thirteen: Any particular reason you decided to sedate a patient for a procedure that's completely painless?
Dr. Gregory House: Guy has a history of violent outbursts during surgical procedures.
Dr. Chris Taub: Yeah, on TV.
Dr. Gregory House: There's two things we get stupid for, money and sex.
Dr. Gregory House: [about Valerie] Get her to radiotherapy.
Thirteen: We can't start radiation without immunoassays on her urine.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Great, so you cast a spell and magically fix her kidney so she can give us some urine to test.
Thirteen: We have some left over from admission.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Not enough for a completely accurate reading.
Thirteen: Then how about partially accurate?
Dr. Gregory House: Those of you who haven't slept together, you can go. Everyone else, stay behind.
[Chase gets up and leaves the room, but Taub remains in the room]
Dr. Chris Taub: Oh, sorry.
[to Thirteen]
Dr. Chris Taub: That was our secret, right?
Dr. Allison Cameron: I already accepted a position somewhere else.
Dr. Gregory House: With who?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yule, at Jefferson.
Dr. Gregory House: Unaccept it.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why?
Dr. Gregory House: Because Yule is boring. He's pedantic and preachy. Because he's short. Because I want you to come back.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Not good enough.
Dr. Gregory House: Want more money? A car allowance? Better parking space?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Dinner. And not just a meal between two colleagues. A date.
Dr. Gregory House: You'll come back to work if I go out on a date with you?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Yes.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay, it's a deal.
[House and Cameron shake on it]
Dr. Allison Cameron: See you tomorrow morning.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't be late.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I won't.
Dr. Gregory House: I can run like the wind, but I can't think.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Is your leg hurting?
Dr. Gregory House: Is that question relevant?
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're leaning.
Dr. Gregory House: You're sitting.
Dr. Allison Cameron: You're evading.
Dr. Gregory House: My head's hurting.
Dr. Gregory House: Looks like our unicorn is just a donkey with a plunger stuck to his forehead.
Dr. Gregory House: Dying people lie too.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Vogler] There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you. Uh, listen, you said I had to cut one of my people if I didn't give that speech about your drug, and in fairness to your point of view, my speech really wasn't the one you had in mind, so I've cut Cameron. Now we're all squared away, right?
Edward: In the morning, I expect you in my office with your letter of resignation and plans for a public apology otherwise, I'll destroy you.
Dr. Gregory House: [House looks a bit shocked as Vogler walks away] So that's a "no" on us being squared away.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Sixteen-year-old female gets pranked and also gets visual hallucinations and vomiting. Turns out to be a failing liver.
Dr. Gregory House: Why have Foreman's breasts suddenly started to droop?
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Large breasts are a classic symptom of you letting Foreman take vacation days so he can finish his FDA reports before the end of the year.
Dr. Gregory House: When are you taking vacation?
[raises his eyebrows suggestively]
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] You think I'm going to quit on this? On an 11-year-old?
Dr. Gregory House: The only relationship you haven't quit on has been with me.
Dr. James Wilson: Hmm. A needy, truculent narcissist. I think it's been perfect training for parenthood.
Dr. Gregory House: He needs a new kidney. I was thinking the kidney people might have some.
Dr. Gregory House: She's a minor. She's gonna need consent.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll go talk to him.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, that's an excellent plan! You'll give him the form and tell him it's wrong and dangerous.
Dr. Gregory House: You can't tell Chase, but I can. What should I do?
Dr. James Wilson: Oh! This is where I give you advice and pretend you're going to listen to it. I like this part. Did Rowan ask you not to tell?
Dr. Gregory House: I promised I wouldn't. My fingers were crossed, though, so I'm wide open.
Dr. James Wilson: I was wrong! This is the musing-out-loud part. Do I actually need to be here?
Dr. Gregory House: So you're treating professional sports injuries now?
Overweight: Oh, no, I'm not...
Dr. Gregory House: ...familiar with the concept of sarcasm. Don't sweat it, it's new.
Dr. Chris Taub: Why aren't we doing this in your office?
Dr. Gregory House: Obviously, because it would be stupid to do this in an office with no furniture. Cuddy overreacted to my overreaction.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase on the phone while making a bath for Cuddy] So how come we don't have like, five neurosurgeons?
Dr. Robert Chase: Well, we had three, but Kapur retired and then Nichols just took off for his daughter's wedding.
Dr. Gregory House: I've got good news. For the next 16 hours, you are the new neurosurgeon.
Dr. Robert Chase: I'm not a neurosurgeon.
Dr. Gregory House: Which would matter if you actually had to do some neurosurgery.
Dr. Robert Chase: House, it's a hospital. The odds of having to do neurosurgery are higher than in most places.
Dr. Gregory House: If an EMT calls in with a brain or spinal trauma, just divert them to the nearest hospital. All you gotta do is stand around and keep the E.R. open. It's an administrative problem, not a medical one.
Dr. Robert Chase: House, where the hell are you?
Dr. Gregory House: Great. Glad you're on it.
[hangs up the phone]
Dr. Marty Kaufman: [to House] I'm skipping the credentials committee. I'm going straight to the state board and reporting you for... what you've done is so off the spectrum, I don't know there's a specific name for it.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Masters] I think he's talking to you.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Marty, calm down.
Dr. Marty Kaufman: [to Cuddy] And you. What you did is worse. He's an insane lunatic. You're the Dean of Medicine!
Arlene: I want you off my case.
Dr. Marty Kaufman: That's exactly right.
Arlene: Don't get excited. You're fired too.
Dr. Marty Kaufman: What?
Arlene: I'll never get away from House or my daughter if I stay here. Transfer me to Princeton General.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Mom, you're very ill and you're very angry. You really think now is the right time to make a decision like this?
Arlene: You lied to me and betrayed me. Do you think I really care what you consider a good idea anymore?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy, about what he had the candidates dig up a body for] Little tiny piece of his brain. Seemed a waste. He wasn't using it anymore.
Dr. Gregory House: If you really cared about me, you'd find me a better corpse.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [goes into House's office] Hey! Did you drop acid?
Dr. Gregory House: Why would I do that?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: To annoy me or maybe because you're miserable or because you want to self-destruct. Pick one.
Dr. Gregory House: You won't let me sleep over. You basically haven't introduced me to your daughter.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: But do you want to spend time with her?
Dr. Gregory House: Honestly, before this I'd have said no. But... yeah. How are we ever going to be a couple if you keep hiding her from me?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, I need to protect her. I let you into her life, and you go away...
Dr. Gregory House: Then call it what it is. I'm not the only one who's holding back.
Dr. Gregory House: Fever? Aches? Weakness? Loss of appetite? Been having any anal sex with I.V. drug users lately?
Dr. Gregory House: You guys are idiots.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Why? Because we stayed up all night doing exactly what you told us to do?
Dr. Gregory House: No. Because you stayed up all night doing exactly what I told you to and have nothing to show for it.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We've eliminated dozens of wrong answers.
Dr. Gregory House: I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me not 25.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Been looking for you.
Dr. Gregory House: Been avoiding you.
Dr. Gregory House: Clinic's been quarantined. Patient came in with Avian Flu-like symptoms and 50 extra dollars in spending money.
Dr. Chris Taub: [about Charlotte after she tries to kill herself] She's stable, but whatever was left of her liver is definitely shot now. And there's no change in Eddie.
Dr. Gregory House: So, thanks to her idiotic move, she's dead in 24 hours if she doesn't get a new liver.
Dr. Chris Taub: It was selfless. She loves him.
Dr. Gregory House: How does that disagree with what I just said?
Thirteen: Test was negative for AAT deficiency. Myelofibrosis fits, but testing takes at least 48 hours.
Dr. Chris Taub: We should try a partial donation from a live donor.
Thirteen: Damage is too severe. She needs a whole new liver.
Dr. Chris Taub: No diagnosis, no liver. No liver, no living.
Dr. Gregory House: [House is looking through the bookshelves. He returns to the table waving a single sheet of paper] What do you know. It is myelofibrosis.
[starts writing on the paper]
Dr. Gregory House: Says so right here. Who wants to tell Cuddy?
Thirteen: How many times have you lied to the transplant committee?
Dr. Gregory House: Just twice.
Thirteen: How many times has it worked?
Dr. Gregory House: I don't quite see how that's relevant.
[His pager goes off and he checks it]
Dr. Gregory House: Cheese it. It's the coppers.
Thirteen: [grabs House's pager] We're not just going to leave them to die while you fixate on Kutner.
Dr. James Wilson: Why me? I'm always telling my patients not to torture themselves because there's no answer.
Dr. Gregory House: Sound advice.
Dr. James Wilson: It's cruel advice. They were just trying to make sense of what was happening to them and I'm there telling them not to bother? I should have spent my life being more like you. Should have been a manipulative, self-centered, narcissistic ass who brought misery to everything and everyone in his life.
Dr. Gregory House: You'd still have cancer.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, but at least I'd feel like I deserved it.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: What's this really all about, House? As convincing as I find your deep devotion to vegetable trajectory.
Dr. Gregory House: First of all it's a tubor. And you're just jealous because your potatoe related plans are more of a serving up fries variety. You did time. Means your license is suspended. Means your leave of absence is definitely indefinite. What exactly are you going back to?
Dr. Gregory House: [Searching for the cat] Here puss, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Say "puss" one more time. It's the sixth puss that really does it.
Dr. Gregory House: [Cuddy gives his cane back. To his cane] Thought I'd never see you again Little, Little Greg.
[to a passer-by]
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah you heard me right.
Dr. Gregory House: Very interesting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: He coughs infected blood in Cameron's eyes and mouth, that's interesting?
Dr. Gregory House: The coughing part, not the in Cameron part. New symptom.
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: [about Amber] She went rogue. Broke the rules.
Dr. Gregory House: You also sinned. You have no right to cast the first stone.
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: And atheists have no right to quote Scripture.
Dr. Gregory House: She's a rock.
Dr. Allison Cameron: She's brave.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: It's the middle of the night. You knew I'd be asleep.
Dr. Gregory House: Phone would've woken you up just as much... but I can't see what you're wearing on the phone.
Dr. Walter Cofield: [to House when he takes some Vicodin] What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: Taking my Vic-amins.
[Melanie is a prostitute]
Melanie: No rash on my labia. Do you need to take a look?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm saving my money for a Red Ryder BB gun.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Keo] Tell the captain to drop as low as he can under five thousand feet.
Keo the Flight Attendant: We're at thirty eight thousand. We...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Peng's got the bends.
Dr. Gregory House: Went diving yesterday. Like an idiot, he surfaced too quickly. Like a bigger idiot, he boarded a flight which is pressurized to 8,000 feet above sea level. Low pressure is killing him. Tell the pilot to dive until we can club baby seals out of the window.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] You took a walk in 45-degree weather and you left your coat behind.
Dr. James Wilson: Go ahead.
Dr. Gregory House: I think you were punishing yourself. I think you wanted to feel what it would be like to be homeless in a New Jersey winter. That tells me, guilt. That tells me, something happened.
Dr. Gregory House: You know nuns. What do you think?
Dr. Robert Chase: I don't know nuns.
Dr. Gregory House: You hate nuns. Can't hate someone if you don't know them.
Dr. Robert Chase: Know any Nazis? Maybe I hate them on principle.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House about Kutner] You worked with him every day for two years and you never saw this coming.
Dr. Gregory House: No one saw it coming.
Dr. James Wilson: But you see everything coming. This has never been about what you missed. This is about why you missed it. You're terrified that you're losing your gift, losing who you are. And I'm terrified of what you'd do then.
Dr. James Wilson: [after approaching Cuddy's house, House returns to the car] What just happened?
Dr. Gregory House: [Not looking at Wilson] Get out.
Dr. James Wilson: What just happened?
Dr. Gregory House: [House faces Wilson] Get out.
Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson exits the car] House, what are you mad about? Just let it out. You'll feel better.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I think your argument is specious.
Dr. Gregory House: I think your tie is ugly.
Dr. Gregory House: The problem with sleeping with strangers is they're strange.
Dr. Gregory House: There's no unconditional love, it's just unconditional need. Don't make this child a victim of your biological clock.
Dr. Gregory House: Most 6-year-olds are not familiar with the phrase, "my joints feel inflamed."
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] You don't want a second opinion. You're already on your fifth. You got Evans at Mercy, Shaw at County, Foster at Johns Hopkins. And every one of them has given you the same advice. You're nuts. You don't just want chemo. You want a dose so high, there's a one-in-three chance it'll kill you outright. Question is, why didn't you tell me? Because you knew I'd stop you. Which means you've already found someone insane enough or desperate enough to give you what amounts to a death dose of chemicals, but who would be that stupid? I'm thinking that the who is you.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Nate went medieval on the other kid... could be
Dr. Gregory House: Hold on. I'm having a moment... this...
[feigning emotion]
Dr. Gregory House: ...this could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting adrenal gland tumor.
[House is treating a girl with severe allergies whose boyfriend paid her a late-night visit]
Dr. Gregory House: This is the one downside of teenage sex. You're idiots. You almost killed your girlfriend. She's allergic to penicillin.
Dan: What, do you think there was still some on my lips? I brushed my teeth.
Dr. Gregory House: Think lower and more fun.
Dan: I mean... it can... it can go through your stuff?
Dr. Gregory House: Totally, dude!
Dr. Gregory House: [to Stacy] So what's your plan? You take the big, dark one, I've got the little girl, and the Aussie will run like a scared wombat if things turn rough?
Dr. Gregory House: Hmmm, good idea. Ignore the symptoms. Makes your job easy.
Emory: Aren't there actual medical tests?
Dr. Gregory House: Dead patients usually get lower standard of care. Pink means lead. Orange means mercury. And rust mean arsenic.
Emory: What's brown mean?
Dr. Gregory House: [Picking up the glass] Scotch.
Dr. Gregory House: It was his name. He was conflicted, didn't know where he fit in, being ripped out of his world and stuck into yours.
Julia: We encouraged him to hold onto his heritage.
Dr. Gregory House: It's hard to still be Lawrence Choudhary when everyone sees you as Lawrence Kutner.
Julia: It was his idea to take our name.
Dr. Gregory House: Then you should have said no.
Thirteen: House.
Dr. Gregory House: All his Anglo name gave him was the illusion that he was someone he wasn't. You were being emotional, not rational. You didn't understand him.
Richard: We loved that boy, you son of a bitch.
Dr. Gregory House: You wanted to make him happy by shutting out his pain. When he looked happy, you assumed the pain had gone. It just got buried deeper, leaving him tormented about who he was until finally he put a bullet...
Dr. Eric Foreman: [interrupts him] House! Go back to the hospital.
Dr. Gregory House: [looks around everyone and realizes seeing the impact that his words have had on Kutner's parents] I'm sorry about your son.
[leaves the Kutners' house]
Dr. Gregory House: [after questioning House's treatment plan for a patient] Why are you so afraid of making a mistake?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Because I'm a doctor. Because when we make mistakes people die.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] The kid'll still be Foreman's patient, but his dad wants *you* making the decisions.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Then he's not my patient. You want to give me none of the responsibility and all of the liability.
Dr. Gregory House: Which means I get... Oh cool!
Dr. Gregory House: Wilson's been teaching me how to care, try me.
Dr. Gregory House: Ultrasound her uterus this time. See if there's something growing in there that doesn't look adorable in a onesie.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Did you sign this?
Dr. Gregory House: Uh, yeah. We can talk later about the appropriate discipline.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy as she's using the phone] Have you seen my balls?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to the phone] Can you hold on a second?
Dr. Gregory House: My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one.
Dr. Gregory House: [flicks a piece of popcorn at Dr. Cuddy] Oops, I missed.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What are you, eight?
Dr. Gregory House: Could an eight year old do this?
[sticks his tongue out and makes a messed up face]
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Better stop or it'll stick that way.
Dr. Gregory House: Stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection, and ANA for lupus.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Because he screamed?
Dr. Robert Chase: Could also be an environmental reaction. An allergy, dust, weed, pollen, toxin, or something he ate...
Dr. Gregory House: Check the house and run a lung ventilation scan. The lungs are in the chest too, right?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I had a date last night. She screamed. Should we spend $100,000 testing her?
Dr. Gregory House: Course not. This isn't a veterinary hospital. ZING!
Dr. Gregory House: Call me when he's stable... or dead.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Maybe we were right to begin with: his problems are all caused by DIC precipitated by falling off of my roof.
Dr. Robert Chase: DIC wouldn't cause a fever this high.
Dr. Gregory House: See. My lapdog agrees with me.
[to the pharmacist; about to play a trick on a patient]
Dr. Gregory House: I need thirty-six Vicodin and change for a dollar.
Dr. Gregory House: [about the baby] What's going to happen to her?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I spoke to both sets of grandparents. It's too painful. They're putting her up for adoption.
Dr. Gregory House: What are you going to do?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I already spoke to a lawyer. I become a foster parent and then I adopt.
Martha: Why is your assumption of his guilt more valid than my assumption of his selflessness?
Dr. Gregory House: Because my assumption is backed up by millions of men, and Taub, who've cheated on their wives. Find the girl and the love nest. Every hero has his Kryptonite.
Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy will be home from work in six hours. But no big deal. I'll just scream, "Look over there" while you quickly shove a scope up her daughter's rectum.
Dr. Gregory House: I could offer to babysit again, Let her have the night out.
Dr. James Wilson: Sure. That won't raise any suspicions.
Dr. James Wilson: [House has a mariachi band in his office] What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: What does it look like I'm doing? Auditioning the band for Friday night.
Dr. James Wilson: So you're trying to ruin Cuddy's moment in the spotlight?
Dr. Gregory House: Ruin? These guys recorded with Juan Gabriel. They're gonna cost me two grand. This isn't a prank. These guys are the beginning of Cuddy's evening to remember which in turn will make my evening...
Dr. James Wilson: I think if you do this, your evening will end with you alone in your apartment with a sock.
Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, I was checking the stitches on my penis.
Dr. Gregory House: I picked Cameron's pocket down in ER. I came up with a doozy.
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Your mother called, twice.
Dr. Gregory House: She's still healthy. This 25-year-old woman, on the other hand...
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Her messages sounded kind of urgent.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, that's the way women sound when their spouse of 50 years dies.
Thirteen: Your dad died? Are you...
Dr. Gregory House: Yep. Fine!
Dr. Robert Chase: You said there was a second case.
Dr. Gregory House: Oh. Yeah, thanks.
[shows Taub's poster]
Dr. Chris Taub: Oh.
Dr. Gregory House: The case of the 45-year-old doctor who just failed his pathology re-certification exam is going to lose his board certification and get fired.
Dr. Eric Foreman: How did you fail it? You spend half your life in the lab.
Dr. Chris Taub: I was recovering from the flu. I'm retaking it next week. It's not an issue.
Dr. Gregory House: Normally, I'd let Darwinism run its course, but Cuddy's in a big tizzy about her poster boy getting canned. So, how are we gonna get the short guy off the short bus?
Martha M. Masters: What about a tutor?
Dr. Chris Taub: I don't need a tutor.
Dr. Gregory House: Tutor it is. Choose your poison. Chase, if you prefer pounding Aussie beers and commiserating over the suckiness of divorce. Masters, if you want nervous energy, flash cards, and obnoxious pieces of arcane trivia. Foreman, if you need to be berated by a humorless hardass.
Dr. Chris Taub: Foreman.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Interesting.
Dr. Gregory House: You must be more worried than you look.
Eve: [to House] Why don't you wanna treat me anymore?
Dr. Gregory House: I never wanted to treat you. Fact that you were raped holds no interest for me. It's nothing personal. There's nothing to treat. You're physically healthy.
Eve: Okay.
[House nods his and gets up to leave]
Eve: But I want you to be my doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: [turns to Eve] Why?
Eve: [shakes her head] I don't know.
Dr. Gregory House: You gotta have a reason. Everything has a reason.
Eve: I trust you.
Dr. Gregory House: Ah, see, that's a bad reason 'cause I'll lie to you. I'll tell you anything just to get you out of here.
Eve: I don't care. I wanna talk to you.
Dr. Gregory House: Look, you were raped. All control was taken away from you. You're trying to find that control again. You want me because I don't want you.
Eve: I'm raping you?
Dr. Gregory House: In a very non-invasive, more annoying than trauma...
Eve: [yelling] Get the hell out of here!
Dr. Gregory House: I'll send in Dr. Stone.
[leaves the room]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [House talks his story in a school's Career Day] Just got a case from the ER. Rutgers student came in with what looked like acute bronchitis. But there's nothing in his blood or sputum cultures.
Dr. Gregory House: Don't you think it's time you people stop looking to the white man to solve all your problems?
Dr. Eric Foreman: His O2 sats are in the toilet. If we don't figure out what's attacking his...
Dr. Gregory House: So figure it out. I'm busy.
Sophie: That can't be true.
Dr. Gregory House: Why not?
Sophie: 'Cause if he was dying... I mean, you're a doctor.
Dr. Gregory House: Patients die every day. Not all of them are interesting.
Dr. Wilson: Maybe it's Auto Immune...
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Maybe it's Auto Immune...
Dr. Eric Foreman: Maybe it's Auto Immune...
Dr. Allison Cameron: Maybe it's Auto Immune...
Dr. Robert Chase: Maybe it's Auto Immune...
Dr. Lawrence Kutner: Maybe it's Auto Immune...
Thirteen: Maybe it's Auto Immune...
Dr. Chris Taub: Maybe it's Auto Immune...
Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole: Maybe it's Auto Immune...
Dr. Gregory House: If someone says Auto Immune, you're fired!
Ernest: I know that you're not going to sue, because you are both going to sign love contracts, consensual relationship agreements.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, obviously outside counsel will have to review the crotchless undies clause.
Dr. Amber Volakis: [refering to Dr. Terzi] Why did you hire her?
Dr. Gregory House: Because she has way more diagnostic experience than the other swimsuit models I was considering.
Dr. Gregory House: Wilson, this is dry cleaner, tax accountant, guy from the bus stop. This is Wilson.
Dry: How come he gets a name?
Dr. Gregory House: Seniority.
Dr. Gregory House: Patient's in cardiac arrest. Ouchy!
Dr. Gregory House: My friends call me "The Cane" even before I messed up my leg.
Dr. James Wilson: I've got no kids. My marriage sucks. I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech!
Dr. Gregory House: They mattered.
Dr. Dave Broda: [When House enters a sealed chamber] Hey! You're insane!
Dr. Gregory House: But I'm right!
Dr. Dave Broda: I hope you are because I can't let you out now.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] Are you out of your mind?
Dr. Gregory House: As a former psychiatric patient, I take offense at that terminology.
Dr. Gregory House: [about newborn] Mazel tov. Now it's time to say those magic words you'll be telling her for the rest of her life - mommy's gotta go to work...
Dr. Gregory House: [about Masters] God! She's still talking. Make it stop.
Dr. Robert Chase: House's world view doesn't include random acts of self-sacrifice. He's gonna count heroism as a symptom until proven otherwise.
Dr. Gregory House: If you believe in eternity, then life is irrelevant. The same way a bug is irrelevant in comparison to the universe.
Eve: If you don't believe in eternity, then what you do here is irrelevant.
Dr. Gregory House: Your actions here are all that matters.
Eve: Then nothing matters. There's no ultimate consequences. I couldn't live like that.
Dr. Gregory House: So you need to think that the guy who did this to you is gonna be punished.
Eve: I need to know that it all means something. I need that comfort.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Are you feeling comfortable? You feeling good right now? Feel warm inside?
Eve: I was raped. What's your excuse?
Dr. Gregory House: [Sebastian is refusing treatment] You are not the same as them. Your life is not the same, and you are cheapening everything they're going through by pretending you are.
Dr. Gregory House: [House is discussing the possibility of Stacy breaking up with her husband to be with him while Wilson is rolling marijuana joints] She's not gonna leave Mark in the middle of his rehab. Too much guilt.
Dr. James Wilson: She left you.
Dr. Gregory House: [with a stoner accent] Harsh toke, dude!
Dr. James Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
Dr. Gregory House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts.
Dr. James Wilson: [referring to House's encounter with Crandall's old girlfriend] And you blew it.
Dr. Gregory House: Technically...
[does reverse motion with hands indicating that she "blew" it]
Dr. Gregory House: Hey, I don't care where an idea comes from as long as it makes sense and embarrasses someone.
Dr. Gregory House: A distracted person makes for a distracted professional.
Dr. Chris Taub: And destroying my marriage will help me focus?
Dr. Gregory House: Probably... Do a spinal tap, run the CSF.
[Taub starts to leave]
Dr. Gregory House: Still talking about you. But you can do it on the patient.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't care what you guys are into. If you don't get this checked out. It'll happen again.
Mickey: Whoa. What will?
Dr. Gregory House: This
[House hits his cane against the side of bed. Mickey passes out]
Dr. Gregory House: Cool.
Eve: [When it's discovered that Eve is pregnant] I don't wanna terminate.
Dr. Gregory House: You wanna keep the baby.
Eve: Abortion is murder.
Dr. Gregory House: True.
[nods]
Dr. Gregory House: It's a life and you should end it.
Eve: Every life is sacred.
Dr. Gregory House: Come on, talk to me. Don't quote me bumper stickers.
Eve: It's true.
Dr. Gregory House: It's meaningless.
Eve: It means every life matters to God.
Dr. Gregory House: Not to me, not to you. Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either.
Eve: You're just being argumentative.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah! I do do that. What about Hitler? Is his life sacred to God? Father of your child? Is his life sacred to you?
Eve: My child isn't Hitler.
Dr. Gregory House: Either every life is sacred or...
Eve: [shouts] Stop it! I don't wanna chat about philosophy!
Dr. Gregory House: You're not killing your rape baby because of a philosophy.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] You are one evil, cunning woman. It's a massive turn-on.
Dr. Gregory House: I found out where your boyfriend lives. When I paid him a visit, he took off. Ran in front of a car.
Iris: You're lying.
Dr. Gregory House: He's down in the ER right now.
Iris: Shut up you lying sack of crap.
Faye: Iris!
Dr. Gregory House: How do you know I'm lying? How do you know your boyfriend's okay?
Iris: 'Cause I'm right here, you dick!
Dr. Gregory House: [to Brent] I need your son.
Brent: Who are you?
Dr. Gregory House: Your wife's doctor. Your son may have had the same condition she does.
Brent: My son didn't have a condition. She killed him.
Dr. Gregory House: If I biopsy her intestines, she'll bleed out. He obviously won't.
Brent: You're not using my son's body to help her.
Dr. Gregory House: Okay. How about trading him for a beer? Or maybe you're more of a whiskey guy. You didn't have strep or stomach bug the morning you came in. You puked because you were hungover. If she was a recovering drunk and slipping most of the time, you'd be right.
Brent: So I drink. You're acting like this is my fault.
Dr. Gregory House: People are going to feel sorry for you, they'll tell you that you can't anticipate the unthinkable. Well, the fact is you can. It's just not all that pleasant.
Brent: Look, you don't know anything about how...
Dr. Gregory House: I know that people don't get crazy enough to kill someone without first being crazy enough for someone to notice. How many times did you go out for a drink because she was crying? How many times did you stay at work because you couldn't listen to her telling you what a bad mother she is? You were relieved. When she shut down, you just sat staring for hours at a time. She held the pillow over his head. You slept while she went nuts. Not exactly a draw, but...
Brent: What is wrong with you? What kind of a person says those things now?
Dr. Gregory House: Let me do the test. It'll be one less thing for you to feel crappy about.
Dr. Gregory House: 16 splenectomies. Pretty sure he gets a set of steak knives.
Sarah: [to House] How much longer will Dr. Cuddy be?
Dr. Gregory House: Given the number of mojitos she's knocking back at the party, I'd say it's going to be at least three hours before she's even conscious.
Sarah: Weren't you at the same party?
Dr. Gregory House: [while taking a vicodin] I don't drink.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards and a little less time staring at my breasts.
Dr. Gregory House: They don't match either.
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: [House dials someone] Who are you calling?
[her mobile rings]
Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley: Oh, of course.
Dr. Gregory House: What are you wearing? Oh, I can see what you're wearing. Go to her room.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Just spoke to my brother.
Dr. Gregory House: And by "brother" you mean?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I mean my parents' other son.
Dr. Gregory House: Wow. Same dad.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Got a call last week from your P.I. You lied, you *did* have me investigated. You've been taunting the team with what you learned, but you never came after me. Means you couldn't find anything.
Dr. Gregory House: You're right.
[Foreman starts to walk away]
Dr. Gregory House: That's because you haven't done anything stupid, spontaneous, or even vaguely interesting since you were 17. And that's just *sad*.
Stacy: What are you hiding?
Dr. Gregory House: [sarcastically] I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. It does explain a lot though. No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...
Dr. James Wilson: I was watching something.
Dr. Gregory House: No, you were about to watch something. I'm watching something. See the difference?
Dr. Gregory House: [looks after her as she walks] You, on the other hand,
[Cameron stops in her tracks and turns to him, hands on her hips]
Dr. Gregory House: continue to be flabbergasted every time someone actually acts like a human being.
[Cameron softly scoffs]
Dr. Gregory House: Foreman did what he did 'cause it worked out best that way for him.
[slightly bends over and raises his eyebrows]
Dr. Gregory House: That's what everyone does.
Dr. Allison Cameron: That is not the definition of being human. That's the definition of being an ass.
[walks away and House turns his head in frustration; cut to moving shot of hospital with background music]
Dr. Jessica Adams: [to House] You said we were meeting for coffee.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, when someone asks if you want coffee, they obviously don't just mean coffee. Wait... did you think I was referring to sex?
Dr. Gregory House: Oh, crap. Another reason I don't like meeting patients - they don't know what you look like, they can't yell at you.
Dr. Gregory House: People's brains stop working when they think they're going to lose someone they love.
Dr. Gregory House: Dr. Taub would rather distract you from the truth with sparkly things like four-carat diamonds.
Dr. Chris Taub: House...
Dr. Gregory House: Your partner said that you left for personal reasons, but your wife said you lost a patient.
Dr. Chris Taub: You son-of-a-bitch. You spoke to my wife?
Dr. Gregory House: See, that confused me.
Dr. Gregory House: I tried calling everyone else. You were the last one on the list.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Why wasn't 9-1-1 on the list?
Dr. Gregory House: It's not an emergency.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Right. Are you suicidal?
[House plays the patient's music, and the patient goes into convulsions]
Dr. Gregory House: Is he dancing or seizing?
Kutner: Seizing.
Dr. Gregory House: Testicles. What do they make you think of?
Dr. Chris Taub: STDs, testosterone issues, that summer on Fire Island.
Dr. James Wilson: The DEA just revoked my prescription privileges.
Dr. Gregory House: But who's gonna prescribe my Vicodin?
Dr. James Wilson: Yes, well, that's why I'm here. This is a disaster for you.
Dr. Darryl Nolan: So where were you thinking during all this?
Dr. Gregory House: That, it was a strange position to be in. At that moment, she was more comfortable with me than with her husband. And he was picking up on it.
Dr. Gregory House: How can a clinic have a rule against relieving pain?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase about sneaking a woman into the clinic who was barred] If you get caught, Cuddy's got a hairbrush... and believe me, she knows how to use it.
Dr. Gregory House: The self-important jerk does not have transverse myelitis. He's got cancer.
Dr. James Wilson: How do you even -?
Dr. Gregory House: Ok! Maybe I paid the redhead down in records a few bucks to cc me on all your cases. A few patients die, you might get sad again. Make a speech that would end your career. Frankly, I'm stalking you for you.
Dr. Gregory House: Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case... no, bed is still for sissies.
Dr. Gregory House: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
Dr. James Wilson: We know you're back on Vicodin.
Dr. Gregory House: No, the only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it, or more interestingly where I peed.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Foreman] We can spend all day arguing right or wrong. Give me the hundred bucks.
Dr. Eric Foreman: We didn't bet.
Dr. Gregory House: We could spend all day arguing whether we bet or not. Give me the hundred bucks.
Dr. Gregory House: The receiver doesn't respond to manual stimulation. Maybe if you took off your shirt.
Thirteen: Actually, I restorted to something more exotic. I call it "reading the instructions." Turns out if you screw the antennae into the wrong sockets, it doesn't actually work.
Dr. Allison Cameron: [to House] Why do you think Cuddy picked Foreman over me? Have I done something wrong or if there's something I needed to improve on...
Dr. Gregory House: Would it make you shut up if I told you she wanted someone black?
Dr. Gregory House: What do you know about the nun?
Dr. Robert Chase: Which one?
Dr. Gregory House: [exasperated] The cute one. I think she likes me.
Ernest: We'll also need to watch for any favoritism toward Dr. House.
Dr. Gregory House: Does that mean she has to sleep with everyone?
Dr. Gregory House: Get up. We're going hunting.
Dr. Eric Foreman: For what?
Dr. Gregory House: Wabbits.
Dr. Chi Park: [to House] Why aren't you more alarmed? We're running out of time.
Dr. Gregory House: [yelling] Aahh, she's dying!
[speaking normally]
Dr. Gregory House: Were you able to figure out what was wrong while I was screaming?
Dr. Gregory House: Have you guys ever heard any of my metaphors yet? Come on, sit on Grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals, immune system's the police. Seriously, Grumpy, get up here. It'll make us both happy.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Valerie] Hi, I'm Dr. House. How long have you been a psychopath?
Valerie: [looks at Thirteen] Are you kidding?
Thirteen: He's not.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] What did I do to you? I scammed you into doing the dishes, made you sit on the steps. I didn't kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable.
Dr. James Wilson: Oh, so this is therapy?
Dr. Gregory House: No... just makes me smile.
Keo the Flight Attendant: [a passenger, Pang, looks sick] Sir, are you all right?
Dr. Gregory House: [bluntly] He's drunk.
Dr. Gregory House: [Pang vomits] See?
Keo the Flight Attendant: [asks something from Pang in Hawaiian]
Peng: [mutters something in Korean]
Keo the Flight Attendant: Does anyone speak Korean?
[no one replies]
Keo the Flight Attendant: Is anyone a doctor?
Dr. Gregory House: [sharply] Yes!
[gets up]
Dr. Gregory House: I'll go get her.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Police-issue Kevlar vests don't have the ceramic plating insert that would shatter a bullet. They would just catch it. So the bullet shattered on its own. Meaning Baby Shoes was using 38-caliber hollow-points which, unfortunately, are ferromagnetic.
Dr. Gregory House: It's just so cool that you know that.
Dr. Gregory House: [after inducing seizure to the son of a coma guy] Gotta love this family!
Dr. Gregory House: [after allowing Hanna to use his cell phone] That was stupid.
Hanna: It was nice.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't see a contradiction.
Dr. Gregory House: [enters Cuddy's office] I need a favor.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'm not in a giving mood.
Dr. Gregory House: It'll help us both. I need a shot of morphine in my spine.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: If your leg hurts, take your Vicodin.
Dr. Gregory House: It's not enough. Get a syringe.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Morphine is extreme. Even for you.
Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Read that on the insert.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Get one of your lackeys to do it.
Dr. Gregory House: I don't want them knowing.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: That you're on the road to becoming a junkie?
Dr. Gregory House: That I'm in this much pain. I don't want them questioning my judgment. I can't ask Wilson because he figures it's all in my head.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Well, I agree with him. I'm going home.
[starts to leave her office]
Dr. Gregory House: [begins lowering his trousers] Well, what about this?
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [looking mildly shocked] What are you doing?
Dr. Gregory House: [reveals the severe scarring and muscle damage on his thigh] Is this in my head?
[his voice breaks in despair]
Dr. Gregory House: Because I could swear I remember a thigh muscle being here!
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [as her expression changes from shock to sympathy] I'll get a syringe.
[Cameron has just left the room]
Clarence: Oof. That's the finest piece I seen in ten years.
Dr. Gregory House: I coulda hit that.
Clarence: And you didn't?
Dr. Gregory House: Eh.
Clarence: Then you're the one that should be locked up.
Dr. Gregory House: We don't need to wait for a reflex. If he can't get engorged the way God intended, he can't get engorged.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm not showing him my boobs.
Dr. Gregory House: Lack of response to your chest tells us nothing.
Dr. Gregory House: [turns to Thirteen] Thirteen show him yo...
Dr. Gregory House: [exhales] Where can I find a decent set of knockers around here?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Your porn's in the second drawer.
Dr. James Wilson: [to House] I'm ready to start the next round of chemo.
Dr. Gregory House: Why?
Dr. James Wilson: Because you need me and... I don't think that's a bad thing anymore.
Dr. Gregory House: No. You're the only one I listen to. The last couple of days, I didn't and I almost killed my patient. So I think it's time for me to accept that... you're just smarter than I am.
Dr. James Wilson: [shakes his head] Are you really okay that there's only five months left?
Dr. Gregory House: No, but it's better than nothing.
Dr. James Wilson: Um... how do we start?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm not gonna say "I love you."
Dr. James Wilson: Thank God. You got any Oreos?
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] The urine you collected has been sitting in that fetus' bladder for weeks. And, as my pappy always said, "stale pee is useless pee."
Dr. Gregory House: I need that phone call. I'm a doctor, and when someone tries to call you three times, it's code for "Pick up the damn phone before someone dies."
Sheriff: I'm sure there's other smart doctors.
Dr. Gregory House: You'd be surprised.
Dr. Gregory House: This is why I created nurses. Clean up on aisle 3!
Maggie: I can't be dying.
Dr. Gregory House: Sure you can.
Maggie: You're wrong. You don't even know what I have.
Dr. Gregory House: What you have, is one last Christmas with your daughter. One last chance to give her a present. The truth. Inexpensive, highly valued, never have to stand in line to return it the day after Christmas.
Dr. Eric Foreman: Hey!
[House heads to the elevator]
Dr. Gregory House: Something on your mind?
[hits elevator button]
Dr. Gregory House: Because you totally can't tell.
Dr. Eric Foreman: I had a job interview lined up at New York Mercy yesterday.
Dr. Gregory House: Hospital for Manhattan's glitterati. Big coup. Your homies must be kvelling.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [angry tone] Didn't happen because apparently I called to cancel. I don't remember making that call. You think I have a neurological issue?
Dr. Gregory House: Yes.
[elevator dings and doors open]
Dr. Eric Foreman: [shouting] Why are you jerking me around?
Dr. Gregory House: It wasn't me.
[gets into the elevator]
Dr. Eric Foreman: Yeah, it was one of the other petty, socially-repressed asses I work for.
[gets into the elevator with House]
Dr. Gregory House: Maybe it was Ashton Kutcher.
[the elevator closes; scene cuts to House and Foreman walking off the elevator]
Dr. Eric Foreman: If you want me to stay, tell me you want me to stay.
Dr. Gregory House: Would it matter?
Dr. Eric Foreman: No, but it'd be the adult way to handle it.
Dr. Gregory House: If the adult way doesn't work, why bother with it?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I've been totally professional! Gave two weeks notice, continued to work cases, scheduled my interviews on my own time! You have no right to screw with my future.
Dr. Gregory House: You're gonna be all whiny during the differental diagnoses, aren't you?
Dr. Gregory House: [Foreman starts to walk away] It wasn't me.
[Foreman turns to House]
Dr. Gregory House: I only sabotage people I consider worth it.
[Foreman walks away; House heads to his office]
Dr. Gregory House: That's because you guys haven't scared him enough. I'm sure you've been all, "we'll take real good care of you." Why should he say anything? When you prep him, tell him he's gonna die. Crush all hope. Don't let Cameron do it.
Dr. James Wilson: What did you do to piss Cuddy off?
Dr. Gregory House: I can't be romantic?
Dr. James Wilson: House, you're stealing from a woman in a coma.
Dr. Gregory House: We're fine! I never seen her happier.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah? How about you?
Dr. Gregory House: I'm... worried.
Dr. James Wilson: Because she's happy?
Dr. Gregory House: No. Because I am.
Dr. Gregory House: Prove yourself to me. No more games. At least the current game ends, others may start. You have my deeply flawed word.
Martha: What do I have to do?
Dr. Gregory House: Get Dugan to let us give him Hep A. And while you're figuring out the best way to coax a patient into a treatment that has an 85% morality rate, here's some advice: don't.
Martha: I'm not gonna lie to him.
Dr. Gregory House: You have a math degree, so let's see if you can follow along here. You lie to him, he definitely consents, he might live. You tell him the truth like the last time, he might not consent, he definitely dies. Remind me what's so wrong about lying?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I don't wanna solve cases! I wanna save lives.
Dr. Gregory House: You think she cares? You think the husband cares? You think the children, she can now have because of me, are gonna care why I saved her?
Dr. Eric Foreman: I care.
Dr. Gregory House: About yourself. About your own ego.
Dr. James Wilson: House...
Dr. Gregory House: [stands up and walks toward Foreman] You're the selfish bastard, not me. Which is why you took so much pleasure drawing out this little goodbye of yours for the last three weeks. It wasn't for me... It wasn't for anyone! It sure as hell didn't help anyone!
[Foreman looks shocked; then sneers and walks out]
Dr. James Wilson: Nice try.
Dr. Gregory House: Nice tries are worthless.
Dr. James Wilson: Ran into Nora in the elevator. She no longer thinks were gay. Now she thinks we're mendacious dirtbags.
Dr. Gregory House: Mendacious dirtbags comes more naturally to me. Least we can get rid of that.
Dr. Robert Chase: Lithium could cause all three of the mother's symptoms.
Dr. Allison Cameron: No record she's on lithium.
Dr. Eric Foreman: And tox screen was negative.
Dr. Gregory House: Lithium doesn't show on a basic tox screen, scarecrow.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Wilson] You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window?
Dr. Jessica Adams: [to Chase about Moira] You're not gonna operate on her.
Dr. Robert Chase: Kapur and Carlyle are unavailable. Reilly's done far fewer dissections than I have.
Dr. Chris Taub: He's also slept with her far fewer times than you have.
Dr. Jessica Adams: Your judgment's compromised.
Dr. Robert Chase: I spent the night with her. Doesn't change how I make an incision.
Dr. Jessica Adams: [to House] Tell him!
Dr. Gregory House: Do the surgery.
Dr. Jessica Adams: You're trying to score points with him at the risk of a patient's life.
Dr. Gregory House: He's the better surgeon.
Dr. Gregory House: Do you like your life?
Patrick: What life?
Dr. Allison Cameron: Stop pushing him.
Dr. Gregory House: Stop protecting him.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He needs it.
Dr. Gregory House: Not if he wants to get better.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He might not be able to get better.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, then I need a new neurologist.
Dr. Allison Cameron: He got sick doing his job.
Dr. Gregory House: Well, if he got killed doing his job, I wouldn't keep him on the payroll. I don't care how guilty you feel or how touched you are by his reborn spirit.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm not touched.
Dr. Gregory House: Then you're guilt-ridden.
Dr. Allison Cameron: I'm not guilt-ridden!
Dr. Gregory House: Then you're pathetic!
Dr. Allison Cameron: Right now, I'm annoyed!
Thirteen: [last lines; to House] I know! Forget the lecture and fire me already!
Dr. Gregory House: If I was going to fire you, I wouldn't be giving you the lecture. I know you're not going to let anything like this ever happen again.
[pause]
Dr. Gregory House: I'll see you tomorrow.
[Thirteen leaves the room; House goes over to Stark's body]
Dr. Gregory House: And I'm sorry to say... I told you so.
Dr. Gregory House: All we've done is fight.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No. All you've done is pull pranks or have temper tantrums with Wilson - never me! Marry mail order prostitutes. Make me go to your wedding.
Dr. Gregory House: Dominka is a licensed sethetician.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: YOU CUT OPEN YOUR OWN LEG!
Dr. Gregory House: You're worried that once I'm in a relationship, you and me will be over.
Dr. James Wilson: Hey, I'm actually *for* this. I think this is great! But if you're serious and you don't treat it seriously then you will get hurt. And if you don't accept that, then accept that she will get hurt.
Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] I can always tell when you lie. I mean always.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I slept with my freshman roommate.
Dr. Gregory House: A lie.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: A truth.
Dr. Gregory House: You have a tell.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: What is it?
Dr. Gregory House: First, admit that you were lying.
Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Fine. I was lying. My sexual history is boring and predictable. What is my tell?
Dr. Gregory House: Are you kidding? If I tell you your tell, you'll get rid of it, then I won't be able to tell.
Dr. Gregory House: You know what this is?
Apothecary: A wild carrot?
Dr. Gregory House: It's hemlock, you embossed carbuncle.
Dr. Gregory House: You guys aren't the victims of the little blue pills. You're the problem!
Dr. Gregory House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it'll be more cost-efficient to keep all of them.
Dr. James Wilson: Yeah, you should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers.
Dr. Gregory House: It will be more cost-efficient once I grab Cameron's ass, called Foreman a spade, and Chase... well, I'll grab his ass too.
Dr. Gregory House: You know what's worse than useless? Useless and oblivious.
Dr. Eric Foreman: [to House] Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?
Dr. Gregory House: I had a funny uncle.
Dr. Eric Foreman: You were abused?
Dr. Gregory House: What? No. Why would your mind go to that so fast? I just had a funny uncle. Great stories. Always filthy.
[Cameron investigated George's place]
Dr. Gregory House: What did you find out?
Dr. Cameron: That you and George have the same taste in home furnishing and women.
Dr. Gregory House: Danish modern and Russian gymnasts?
Dr. Cameron: Pianos and prostitutes.
Dr. Allison Cameron: Since when does House hang out at OTB?
Dr. Eric Foreman: The man's an addict.
Dr. Robert Chase: Right, but addicted to pills, not gambling.
Dr. Eric Foreman: It's the same thing! Drug abuse, drinking, gambling. They all fire up the same pleasure centers in the brain. An addict is an addict is...
Dr. Robert Chase: Gambling doesn't take away his pain.
Dr. Gregory House: [as he enters his office] It does when I win.
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