Top 300 Quotes From Peter Capaldi

Bors: [after The Doctor made a big entrance on a tank doing a guitar version of the Doctor Who theme] Dude. What is that?
The: You said you wanted an axe fight.

Robin: History is a burden. Stories can make us fly.
The: I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid.
Robin: Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear... until one night, he is moved to steal a TARDIS? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight?

Ashildr: She'll die on you, you know. She'll blow away like smoke.
The: Save your breath.
Ashildr: How old are you, Doctor?
The: Older than you.
Ashildr: How many have you lost? How many Clara's?

Twelfth: Sontarans, perverting the course of human history! I don't want to go! When the Doctor... when the Doctor was me! When The Doctor was me. It's starting. I'm regenerating! No, no, no, no, no, no!

The: [whispering] Any tiny hint of what species he might be?
Nardole: [whimpering] I dunno.
The: [whispering] Okay, never mind. You just stay there.
[to monk]
The: You're probably going to need a mop.

Cardinal: The very center of the Haereticum, home of the Veritas for over a thousand years.
The: Truth in the heart of heresy.
Cardinal: And death in the heart of truth.
Nardole: You'd be wizard at writing Christmas crackers, you two.

Bill: [exiting the Tardis] We've moved again.
The: We have.
Bill: But it was night.
The: Yep.
Bill: Now it's day.
The: Definitely day.
Bill: Oh my god, have we travelled in time?
The: No, of course not. We've travelled to Australia.

Clara: Doctor. Am I young?
The: No idea.
[Gets a mirror for her to look in]
The: Is that any good?
Clara: Oh, that's good.
The: The Tardis is outside.
Clara: So?
The: So, all of time and all of space is sitting out there. A big blue box. Please, don't even argue.
[Clara thinks about it with a big grin on her face, then gives him her hand and kisses his cheek]
Clara: Merry Christmas, Doctor.
The: Merry Christmas, Clara Oswald.

The: You look... er, amazing.
River: Doctor, you have no idea whether I look amazing or not.
The: Well, you've moved your hair about, haven't you?
River: Well done. It's very sweet of you to try.

[communicating over automatic comms]
Bill: Hang on. I'm being thick. I can come with you.
The: [as she is doing it] Took that long to think of photographing it?
Bill: You'd already memorized it, hadn't you.
The: Yep.
Bill: Stop trying to keep me out of trouble!

[Für Elise is heard coming from the vault]
Nardole: A piano? You've put a piano in there? Why?
The: [dismissing him] Good night.
Nardole: Oh, you don't learn, do you, sir?

Bill: Regency England. Bit more black than they show in the movies.
The: So was Jesus. History's a whitewash.

Bill: [a little girl enters the barn carrying something] Is that it?
[Alit puts down something covered in a rough cloth]
Bill: I really wouldn't harm you, you know.
Alit: I know
[But she still backs away as Bill steps forward and picks it up, then uncovers it and turns it over. It is a mirror, and her reflection reveals that she is really still Cyber-Bill]
Cyber: : That is not me.
Alit: I'm sorry.
Cyber: : I am Bill Potts.
Alit: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[She attempts to run out of the barn, but runs into the Doctor as he is entering the barn]
Twelfth: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
[Cyber-Bill puts down the mirror]
Twelfth: Hello, Bill Pott.s
Cyber: : Doc-tor.
Alit: I'm sorry. I gave her a mirror.
Twelfth: Oh no, don't be sorry. You were being kind. Nothing wrong with kind. Jelly baby?
Alit: Thank you.
Twelfth: You're welcome.
Alit: Bye.
Twelfth: Toodle-oo
[Alit leaves and closes the barn door behind her. We see Bill as her human self again. The Doctor walks towards Bill, but has a bit of a limp]
Bill: What was that, in the mirror?
Twelfth: Er, a Cyberman.
Bill: What's a Cyberman?
Twelfth: A technologically augmented human being, designed to survive in a hostile environment. Perfectly sound idea. Unfortunately all they want to do is to turn everyone else into Cybermen too. They go viral.
Bill: Why?
Twelfth: They consider themselves to be an improvement, an upgrade.
Bill: No. Why do I see a Cyberman in the mirror?
[Long pause]
Twelfth: What do you remember?
Bill: There's quite a lot, you know? I was down there for ten years.
Twelfth: And then one day, they took you to the Conversion Theatre. Do you remember that?
Bill: No. Bit's of it. You turned up.
Twelfth: Do you remember what they did to you?
Bill: Nothing. Look at me, I'm fine. I'm fine!
[But as she touches her forehead, she sees a Cyber-hand]
Twelfth: You are so strong. You're amazing. Your mind has rebelled against the programming. It's built a wall around itself. A castle made of you, and you are standing on the battlements, saying no. No, not me.
Bill: What are you talking about?
Twelfth: All that time, living under the Monks, you learned to hang on to yourself.
Bill: But I'm, I'm fine. Look at me!
Twelfth: Bill, what you see is not you. Your mind is acting like a perception filter. You still see yourself as you used to be.
Bill: Used to be?
Twelfth: It won't last forever.
Bill: What do you mean, used to be?
[She advances, he retreats. Then she sees her Cyberman shadow cast on the wall]
Twelfth: Bill, I'm sorry, but you can't be angry any more. A temper is a luxury you can no longer...
Bill: Why can't I? Why can't I be angry?
Bill: Bill, please!
Cyber: : You left me alone for ten...
Bill: ...years! Don't tell me I can't be angry!
[Her helmet weapon blasts the barn door to firewood. The children scream]

The: Who are you people?
First: I am the Doctor and this is my...
Twelfth: It's complicated, actually I am also...
First: ...my nurse.
Twelfth: Excuse me?
First: I realize that seems a little improbable...
Twelfth: Well, yes.
First: ...because he is a man!
Twelfth: What?
First: Older gentlemen, like women, can be put to use.
Twelfth: You can't say things like that.
First: Can't I? Says who?
Twelfth: Just about everyone you're gonna meet for the rest of your life.

The: Doctor John Disco. It was my plane. I had a big plane for purposes of er, poncing about.

Seamus: So, you let the woman lock up your pathetic little prick, eh?
[he stands up]
Seamus: No wonder she's such a ball-busting hag.
Elliot: What did you just say?
Seamus: I said... your wife's a BITCH!
Elliot: DIANE IS GOD!
[he punches his face and falls off on the floor, and Andrew screams]
Nick: Holy shit! Dad, you punched Grandpa.
Judd: [he uses his hands in sign language] I love you, Dad.
Elliot: [panicked] Oh my god! What have I done? Father, are you okay?
Seamus: [he looks at him, then licks the blood out] Well, look at you.
Elliot: Here.
Seamus: William Wallace MacGregor, welcome home, son.
[gives him a hug, and chuckles nervously]

The: Put the gun down.
Journey: Or what?
The: Or you might shoot me. Then where would you be?
Journey: In charge of your vessel.
The: You'd starve to death trying to find the light switch.

The: Immortality isn't living forever. That's not what it feels like. Immortality is everybody else dying.

Nardole: Your missus wouldn't approve.
The: How the hell did you get here?
Nardole: Followed you from Darillium on the explicit orders of your late wife, River Song. Warning: I have full permission to kick your arse.

The: Take a good long look. It takes a moment to see it.
Young: See what?
The: Superman and Clark Kent are one in the same person.
Young: Are you serious?
The: Yeah, look, I drew specs on Superman.
Young: Everyone knows they're the same person.
The: Well Lois Lane doesn't, and she's a reporter.

The: [as a hologram] This is security protocol 712. The Echelon circuit has been activated. Please stow any hand luggage and prepare for departure.

The: What do you all have for brains? Pudding?

Rigsy: You never did tell me your name.
The: [through Clara's earpiece] No time to fraternise. Come on, get rid of him.
Clara: I'm, um... I'm the Doctor.
The: Don't you dare!
Clara: Doctor Oswald.
[clears throat]
Clara: But you can call me Clara.

The: [points to his reflection] And don't look in that mirror, it's absolutely furious.

The: Doctor. Right! While you've been here chatting up Robo-Mop, me and... me have been busy. We've found it.
The: [to Bill, in "Razor's" voice] "Oh, hello, my dear. My God, you were so boring for all those years." But it was worth every day of it. For this.
Twelfth: Bill, don't let him upset you.
The: Though, didn't you used to be a woman? I'm gonna be a woman, fairly soon. Any tips? Or maybe... I don't know, old bras?
Bill: I am not upset.
The: [disappointed] Oh. Well, doesn't that take all the fun out of cruelty? Might as well rile a fridge. Come on, this way.

[last lines]
The: [talking to the vault] Look, I know you miss it all. But I'm stuck here too, you know. We're both prisoners. So what do you say, dinner? And I've got a new story for you, too. There's a haunted house and wood lice from space. And lots of young people get eaten.
[an up-tempo piano version of "Pop Goes the Weasel" comes from the vault]
The: I'm coming in.

The: Well, when we sleep, the mucus crust builds up in our eyes. Blood cells. Skin cells. That's what dust largely is. Human skin. But your meddling has evolved it. Hot-housed it. What used to be sleep in your eye has turned into a carnivorous lifeform.

The: I'm not actually the police. That's just what it says on the box.

The: Grant, this is insane. Look, I'm me, the Doctor, and even I think this is insane.

The: Now this is new. I'm scared. I just realized that. I'm actually scared of dying.
[the Veil stops]
The: Something I said?

The: You know what's wrong with this universe? Believe me, I've looked into it. Everyone says it's not their fault. Well, yes it is. All of it. It's all your fault. So what are you going to do about it?

The: Assume nothing. Assumption makes an ass out of you... and umption.

The: Look at this. Classic design.
[the Doctor is examining a door hatch]
The: Pressure seals, hinges.
[He points the sonic screwdriver, sweepingly encircling the hatch]
The: None of that 'Shuck! Shuck!' nonsense.
Nardole: [petulantly] Space doors are supposed to go 'Shuck! Shuck!' not
Nardole: [as door slowly opens going] 'Mnnnnnhhhhhhhh.'

The: You have nothing, Doctor. Nothing! Do you know what I have, out here in the dry lands, where there's nobody who matters?
[whispering]
The: No witnesses.
The: Me too.

The: Rule one of dying, don't. Rule two, slow down.

The: Which one are you? Human or Zygon?
Osgood: I don't answer that question
The: Why not?
Osgood: Because there is no question to answer. I don't accept it. My sister and I were the living embodiment of the peace we made. I will give all the lives that I have to protect it. You want to know who I am, Doctor? I am the peace. I am human and Zygon.
The: Like a hybrid.

River: You know who you remind me of?
The: Yes, probably a chap with a big...
River: -My second wife!

The: [to Half-face Man] You're out of your depth, sir. Never try and control a control freak.
Clara: I am not a control freak!
The: Yes Ma'am.

Clara: Look, is she alright? Would you bring her over?
The: I can't bring her over. I'm a Time Lord, not a child minder!
Clara: You've got a spaceship, all we've got are oyster cards.

Colony: Are you so dangerous, little man?
The: You want to know how dangerous I am? Davros sent you. You know how stupid you are? You came.

Clara: How do I look?
The: Sort of short and roundish but with a good personality which is the main thing.
Clara: I meant my clothes, I just changed.

The: You're a Time Lord.
Missy: Time LADY, please. I'm old-fashioned.

The: [disoriented] Oh you remember, uh...
[points to a disheveled Clara stumbling out of the Tardis]
The: Thingy. The, uh... The not... The not-me one. The asking-questions one. Names, not my area.
Clara: Clara!
The: It might be Clara, it might not be. It's a lottery.
Clara: It is Clara!
The: Well, I'm not ruling it out.

Thinker: This is suicide.
Rick: Well, that's kind of our thing.

Twelfth: A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield like this one and its empty, because everyone else has fallen.

The: It miniaturizes living matter. What's the medical application, though? Do you use it to shrink the surgeons so they can climb inside the patients?
Colonel: Exactly.
The: Fantastic idea for a movie. Terrible idea for a proctologist.

The: Passion fights but reason wins.

Clara: So, you must have thought I was dead for a while?
The: Yeah.
Clara: How was that?
The: Longest month of my life.
Clara: It could only have been five minutes.
The: [the Doctor pauses and looks up at Clara] I'll be the judge of time.

O'Donnell: I used to be military intelligence. I was demoted for dangling a colleague out the window.
The: In anger?
O'Donnell: Is there another way to dangle someone out the window?
[the Doctor smiles in reply]

The: Never eat pears. They're too squishy and they always make your chin wet. That one's quite important, write it down.

The: [pointing a weapon at the Daleks] Who's going to tell me that Clara Oswald is really dead?
Missy: [in the sewers, listening over the intercom] He'll burn everything - us too.
Dalek: Clara Oswald is not alive.

Clara: You won't just steal a Tardis and run away?
The: No, not this time. Never again.

Journey: [leaving the Tardis for the first time] It's smaller on the outside.
The: Yeah, it's a bit more exciting when you go the other way.

The: Oh, what's this?
[picks up shovel]
The: Are you gardeners? I hate gardening! What sort of person has a power complex about flowers?

The: A thing happened.
River: I bet it probably did.

The: You are a broom. Question, you take a broom, you replace the handle, and then later you replace the brush. And you do that over and over again. Is it still the same broom?

Ratcatcher: How would you like it if I sent half a dozen rats up your ass?
Thinker: You might be surprised by my response.

The: The first rule of being interrogated is that you are the only irreplaceable person in the torture chamber. The room is yours, so work it. If they're going to threaten you with death, show them who's boss. Die faster. And you've seen me do that more often than most. Isn't that right, Clara?

Claude: But I haven't heard anything about a murder.
Hercule: No, you would not have heard of it. Because, as yet, it has not taken place. You see, if one can investigate a murder before it happens, then one might even, well, the little idea... prevent it?

The: Oh, and do you still have the presidential aircraft?
Clara: I thought you didn't like being President of the World.
The: No, but I like poncing about in a big plane.

The: Danny isn't real. Danny Pink died saving the world.
Danny: I really didn't.
The: I'm sorry. I thought there was a way back for him, but I was wrong. I can't change that. He's dead.
Danny: I didn't die saving the world, Doctor, I died saving Clara. The rest of you just got lucky. How long has she got?
The: Minutes, till it's irreversible.
Danny: Well then, get out the way.
[the Doctor moves aside and Danny walks up to Clara]
Danny: I'm a dream and you know I am, right?
[Clara nods]
Danny: Right, one thing. But it's important. It's a very important thing. That is totally how you guessed all of my presents.
Clara: I miss you.
Danny: Five minutes.
Clara: What?
Danny: You can miss me for five minutes a day. And you'd better do it properly. You'd better be sad. I expect my five. But all the rest of the time, Clara, all the rest of the time, every single second, you just get the hell on with it. Clear?
Clara: Don't you soldier me.
Danny: Do as you're told.
The: Brave.
Danny: Dead already. How does she wake up?
The: I don't know. Just try. Accept this isn't real, and try.
Danny: Do it. For me.
Clara: [crying] When I wake up, you won't be there.
Danny: Do you know why people get together at Christmas? Because every time they do, it might be the last time. Every Christmas is last Christmas, and this is ours. This was a bonus. This is extra. But now it's time to wake up.
[Danny and Clara kiss]

Ashley: [sees the Tardis] What is that?
The: That's how Clara and I got here.
Ashley: In a box?
The: Technically, in a telephone kiosk.
Ashley: [laughs] How?
The: Because it's a spaceship in disguise. Do you know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart?
Ashley: What?
The: They're both ridiculous.

The: [surprises the Daleks by arriving in Davros' chair] Admit it - you've all had this exact nightmare.

The: [through her earpiece] Clara, do you want the good news or the bad news?
Clara: [shouting while running] We're in the bad news! I'm living the bad news!

Clara: [the doctor is having difficulty controlling the bow and arrow] You're good at this. I saw you. You won the tournament.
The: I cheated. I made a special arrow with a homing device.

First: I will not change. I will not! No, no, no, the whole thing's ridiculous.
Twelfth: Hello? Is someone there?
First: Who is that?
Twelfth: I'm the Doctor.
First: The Doctor. Oh, I don't think so. No, dear me, no. You may be a doctor, but I am the Doctor. The original, you might say!

The: There's a horror movie called Alien? That's really offensive. No wonder everyone keeps invading you.

The: Big scarf, bowtie. A bit embarrassing. What do you think of the new look? I was hoping for minimalism, but I think I came out with magician.

The: What sort of a person has a power complex about flowers? It's dictatorship for inadequates. Or to put it another way, it's dictatorship.

Clara: Hello? Hello?
The: [off screen, on the phone] It's me.
Clara: Yes, it's you. Who's this?
The: [off screen, on the phone] It's me, Clara. The Doctor.
Clara: What do you mean, the Doctor?
The: [standing outside the TARDIS, in Trenzalore] I'm phoning you from Trenzalore.
Clara: I don't...
The: From before I changed. I mean it's all still to happen for me. It's coming. Oh, it's a-coming. Not long now. I can feel it.
Clara: Why? Why would you do this?
The: Because I think it's going to be a whopper, and I think you might be scared. And however scared you are, Clara, the man you are with right now, the man I hope you are with, believe me, he is more scared than anything you can imagine right now and he, he needs you.
The: So who is it?
The: Is that the Doctor?
The: Is that the Doctor?
Clara: Yes.
The: He sounds old. Please tell me I didn't get old. Anything but old. I was young. Oh, is he grey?
Clara: Yes.
The: Clara, please, hey, for me, help him. Go on. And don't be afraid. Goodbye, Clara. Miss ya.

The: There have always been rumours. Stories passed from traveller to traveller, mutterings about hidden streets, secret pockets of alien life right here on Earth. Like a smuggler's cove, only not a cove, because it's right here, right in the middle of the capital.
Rigsy: The hidden places are in the Great British Library?
The: No. The maps are.

The: No damsels in distress, no pretty castles, no such thing as Robin Hood.
[an arrow hits the Tardis]
Robin: You called?

The: [to Rigsy whilst scanning him] If you want your extremities to stay attached, stand absolutely still. If not, we can provide a small bag, you can take them home at the end.

Nagata: So, what happened?
The: From the beginning of time? That's a very long story.

Bill: Are you trying to get rid of us?
The: Why?
Nardole: Because you're sending us into the dark after a man with a gun.
The: Ah, well, I've thought of that.
Nardole: Thank you.
The: Nardole, make sure that you walk in front of Bill.

Rafando: You cannot do this. You will not leave this planet alive.
The: Do me a favor. The Fatality Index. Look up "The Doctor"
Rafando: [Starts keying search into his wrist cuff] You have an entry, just like any other sentient being.
The: Under 'cause of death'
Rafando: [Finishes keying, cuff starts clicking] You do seem to have a... an impressive record of fatalities credited to you.
[Cuff keeps clicking]
Rafando: A truly remarkable record.
[Cuff clicks faster, Monks start fleeing]
Rafando: Where are you going? He's unarmed! You are unarmed?
The: Always.
Rafando: [slaps at cuff, clicks become a whine, rising in pitch] You stand alone.
The: Often.
Rafando: You're the one who should be afraid.
The: Never.
Rafando: Have a nice day, then.
[Rafando runs]

Twelfth: Oh! It's not an evil plan! I - I don't really know what to do when it isn't an evil plan!

The: So... King Hydroflax?
River: Ugh, how many times? I married the diamond!
The: So you say.
River: Elizabeth the First.
The: Ramone.
River: Marilyn Monroe.
The: Stephen Fry.
River: Cleopatra!
The: Same thing!

Clara: What if the plan is we're blowing up the floor for someone else? What if we're not supposed to make it out alive?
The: Don't be so pessimistic, it'll affect team morale.
Clara: What, and getting us blown up won't?
The: Only very, very briefly.

The: You're talking about murdering someone.
River: No, I'm not. I'm actually murdering someone. Cheer up, get a saw, I'll kill the lights, you kill the patient. I employed you. You agreed to this. Do you not know who that man is? King Hydroflax, the butcher of the Bone Meadows, who ends his battles by eating his enemies, dead or alive. The murder of a creature like that wouldn't weigh heavily on my conscience, even if I had one. What's that face? Are you thinking? Stop it. You're a man, it looks weird.

The: [quoting Shakespeare] "Glamis hath murdered sleep, and therefore Cawdor shall sleep no more. Macbeth shall sleep no more."

Clara: Where the hell have you been?
The: You sent me for coffee.
Clara: Three weeks ago. In Glasgow.
The: Three weeks, that's a long time.
Clara: In Glasgow! That's dead in a ditch!

The: I used to know a trick back when I was young and telepathic. Clearly you can't make an actual psychic link with a door for one very obvious reason: doors are notoriously cross. I mean, imagine life as a door, people keep pushing past you, all of that knocking, but it's never for you. And you get locked up every night. So, if you are just a little bit nice...
[door opens]
The: See Clara?
[realizes Clara is not there anymore]
The: Still got it.

The: Humanity's doomed to never learn from its mistakes.
Bill: Well... I guess that's part of our charm.
The: No. It's really quite annoying.

The: Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.
River: Hush, man.
The: Don't hush me. I'm not a hushing person.

Bill: Why are you Scottish?
The: I'm not Scottish, I'm just cross.
Bill: Is there a Scotland in space?
The: They're all over the place, demanding independence from every planet they land on.

[trying to use his sonic screwdriver on the cell door]
The: There's no setting for wood! Why is there still no setting for wood?

Twelfth: Oh. There it is. Silly old universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill.
[the TARDIS makes soft chirping noises to the Doctor]
Twelfth: Yes, yes I know. They'll get it all wrong without me.
[pauses]
Twelfth: Well... I suppose one more lifetime won't kill anyone. Well... except me.
[looks down at his hand, glowing with regeneration energy, then wearily looks back up at the TARDIS]
Twelfth: You wait a moment, Doctor. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first: Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish, but love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind. Oh. And you mustn't tell anyone your name.
[smiles to himself]
Twelfth: No one would understand it, anyway! Except...
[cries out suddenly in pain, crumples to the ground, gasps for breath]
Twelfth: Except... children. Children can hear it sometimes, if their hearts are in the right place, and the stars are too. Children can hear your name. But nobody else.
[slowly and painfully rises back up to his feet]
Twelfth: Nobody else. EVER.
[stands up, tall and proudly]
Twelfth: Laugh hard. Run fast. BE KIND.
[a pause, then softly]
Twelfth: Doctor, I let you go.

Bill: If he's chasing us, he's moving very slowly.
The: Do you know what it means when something chases you very slowly?
Bill: What?
The: It means there's a reason that they don't have to run.

The: Why haven't you abandoned the base?
Pritchard: That was my call. We've got about a trillion dollars worth of mining equipment here; we're not just going to abandon it.
[the Doctor just looks at him]
Pritchard: What? If it all goes pear-shaped it's not them that lose a bonus.
The: It's OK, I understand. You're an idiot.

The: Is the future going to be all girl?
Twelfth: Well can only hope.

Nardole: Don't cross your arms.
The: He's a lying down person. I don't like lying down people. It's so untidy.
Nardole: Keep your arms by your side, like she said.
[the Doctor puts his arms by his side]
River: You are my one true love. the only husband I will ever have.
[the Doctor crosses his arms angrily - Nardole taps him and he uncrosses them]
River: My time with you has been too short.
King: You have given me days of adventure; many nights of passion.
The: Oh, hah!
[he crosses his arms again]
Nardole: Why do you keep crossing them?
The: Because they cross, I've got cross arms.

Journey: I demand you take me back to my command ship, the Aristotle, which is currently located...
The: No. Hey, not like that.
Journey: You will take me back to my command ship, which is currently positioned...
The: No, no, come on. Not like that. Not like that. Get it right.
Journey: [lowers her gun] Will you take me back to my ship? Please?
The: The Aristotle's the big fella parked in the asteroid belt, yeah?

The: Love is not an emotion. It's a promise.

[At the blackboard, the Doctor is making a crude drawing of a rocket ship made up of simple shapes. Also on the board are asterisk-like marks meant to represent stars]
The: So, how does space kill you? I'm glad you asked.
[the Doctor is in the lecture hall with students filling the seats ten rows back in a half circle]
The: The main problem is pressure.
[He draws some lines connecting some stars]
The: There isn't any. So don't hold your breath or your lungs will explode!
The: [connecting more stars] Blood vessels rupture. Exposed areas swell. Fun fact: the boiling temperature of water is much lower in a vacuum, which means that your sweat and your *saliva* will boil, as will the fluid around your eyes.
[Bill is in the class and feeling a bit uncomfortable]
The: You won't notice *any* of this, because 15 seconds in, you passed out as oxygen bubbles formed in your blood, and 90 seconds in...
[Nardole is also observing from the back of the room near the exit as the Doctor puts the final flourishes of chalk on the blackboard]
The: You're dead.
[On the blackboard is a partial drawing of a skull made by connecting the stars]
The: Any questions?
[One student looks around and raises her hand]
The: [pointing] Yes.
Blonde: What's this got to do with crop rotation?
[Nardole looks in her direction. Another student coughs]
The: Uh, I-I don't know. But space is great, isn't it?

The: I'm going to need the use of an extraction chamber to talk to an old friend.

Bill: Where are we going?
The: No idea. But if I look purposeful, they'll think I've got a plan. If they think I've got a plan, at least they won't try to think of a plan themselves.
Bill: But you don't have a plan.

The: Clara, be my pal and tell me, am I a good man?
Clara: I... don't know.
The: Neither do I.

The: I read your journals. Why are there pages missing?
Ashildr: When things get really bad I tear the memories out.
The: What could be worse than losing your children?
Ashildr: I keep that entry to remind me not to have any more.

The: What's wrong with scared? Scared is a superpower.

W.H.O. Doctor: You can't make a dead person sick.

The: Where is he?
Clara: Doctor?
The: I can't find him. Can you find him?
Clara: Find who?
The: Wally.
Clara: Wally?
The: He's nowhere in this book.
Rupert: It's not a "Where's Wally?" one.
The: Well, how would you know? Maybe you just haven't found him yet.
Rupert: He's not in every book.
The: Really? Well, that's a few years of my life I'll be needing back.

The: OK, Local Knowledge, you're coming with us. Bring the new human.
[goes into the TARDIS and immediately comes back out again]
The: No! Don't bring the new human. I'll just get distracted.

The: There were many trains to take the name Orient Express, but only one in space.

The: Isn't there a solution that doesn't involve bombing everyone?

The: It's a killer puzzle box, designed to scare me to death, and I'm trapped inside it.
[grinning]
The: Must be Christmas!

Nagata: Who the hell do you think you are?
The: Me? I'm in charge.
Nagata: You have no authority.
The: No, but I'm in charge.

[in a deleted scene]
The: Give me 20 good soldiers and I can win any battle.
Clara: Who said that?
The: I did. How did it sound?
Clara: We don't have 20 good soldiers. You've got the Vikings' answer to Dad's Army.

The: People talk about premonition as if it's something strange. It's not. It's just remembering in the wrong direction.

The: You're not looking at anyone. Are you shy now? Is that floor really interesting?
Teen: I'm not shy. I just can't stop it.
The: Can't stop what?
Teen: The x-ray vision.
The: Oh.
Teen: I'm in hell, naked hell. I just can't look at people.

The: Just hold on tight. If anything bites, let it.
Clara: What is it?
The: TARDIS telepathic interface. You are now in mental contact with the TARDIS, so don't think anything rude.
Clara: Why not?
The: Might end up on all the screens.

Osgood: The first thing I'd do if I was to invade the world would be to kill you.
The: Thanks.
Osgood: I wouldn't even let you get talking, like you always do. Bullet between the eyes, first thing.
The: Again, thank you.
Osgood: Twelve times if necessary.
The: Ah, yes, well why limit yourself? You've really thought this through, haven't you?
Osgood: I'm a big fan.

The: Oh hang on, if I didn't know better I'd say this was a robbery.
Ashildr: I am robbing these people. You are getting out of my way.
The: I just need one tiny little thing from out of this box.
Ashildr: This is my robbery!
The: Well can't we share it, isn't that what robbery is all about?

The: [holding menu] Ah, no sausages. And there's no pictures, either. Do you have a children's menu? Any specials?
Waiter: [scanning The Doctor] Liver.
The: I don't like liver.
Waiter: Spleen. Brain stem. Eyes.
Clara: Hmm... Is there a lot of demand for those?
The: I don't think that's what's on the menu. I think we are the menu.
Waiter: [scanning Clara] Lungs. Skin.

The: At least give him a merciful death.
Me: Do you think a Cyberman fears a merciful death?

The: Shut up!

Clara: Is it a sad song?
The: Nothing's sad till it's over; then everything is.

The: If I change the events that brought you here, you will never call me and ask me to change those events. Paradox loop. The timeline disintegrates, your timeline.

The: You can probably still hear me so, just between ourselves, you've got the prophecy wrong. The Hybrid is not half-Dalek. Nothing is half-Dalek. The Daleks would never allow that. The Hybrid destined to conquer Gallifrey and stand in its ruins is me.

The: [in a flashback, talking to Clara] And there's a woman out there who is very keen that we stay together.
[in the present]
The: Why?
Missy: [referring to Clara] Because she's perfect, innt? The control freak and the man who should never be controlled. You'd go to Hell, if she asked. And she would.

The: It's a completely faithful recreation of the Orient Express, only slightly bigger.

The: [to the Ghost Doctor] Doctor, such an honour. I've always been a huge admirer. This is really a delight. Finally someone worth talking to.

The: What's this polar base for? Why are you all here?
Ashley: It's a long story.

[first lines]
The: Listen. Question. Why do we talk out loud when we know we're alone?
[blows out candle]
The: Conjecture. Because we know we're not.
[He writes on his blackboard]
The: Evolution perfects survival skills. There are perfect hunters. There is perfect defence. Question. Why is there no such thing as perfect hiding? Answer. How would you know? Logically, if evolution were to perfect a creature whose primary skill were to hide from view, how could you know it existed?
[He puts his chalk down in an open book]
The: It could be with us every second and we would never know. How would you detect it, even sense it, except in those moments when, for no clear reason you choose to speak aloud? What would such a creature want? What would it do? Well? What would you do?
[That last word echoes around the Tardis. The chalk is no longer where he left it. It rolls on the floor to his feet and he picks it up, then sees that what he wrote on the blackboard has been replaced by one word. Listen]

The: Let me tell you about scared. Your heart is beating so hard I can feel it through your hands. There's so much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain it's like rocket fuel. Right now you could run faster and you could fight harder, you could jump higher than ever in your life. And you are so alert it's like you can slow down time. What's wrong with scared? Scared is a superpower.

The: [long pause] Hello, sweetie.
River: You are so doing those roots.
The: What, the roots of the sunset?
River: Don't you dare.
The: I'll have to check with the stars themselves.
River: Oh, shut up.

The: Things end. That's all. Everything ends, and it's always sad. But everything begins again too, and that's... always happy. Be happy. I'll look after everything else.

Psi: Oh, is that why you call yourself the Doctor? The professional detachment?
The: Listen, when we're done here, by all means, you go and find yourself a shoulder to cry on. You'll probably need that. Till then, what you need is me!
[the Doctor leaves]
Clara: Underneath it all, he isn't really like that.
Psi: It's very obvious that you've been with him for a while.
Clara: Why?
Psi: Because you are really good at the excuses.

The: [from trailer] It's Christmas, Who ya Gonna Call?

[guitar playing, the Doctor's face turns upward, eyes closed, background black]
The: The end of your life has already begun.
[his eyes open and he walks around the TARDIS console playing his guitar]
The: There is a last place you will ever go, a last door
[the view cuts to a passing over a neighborhood somewhere]
The: [continuing as voiceover] you will ever walk through, a last sight you will ever see. And every step you ever take is moving you closer.
[view comes to Erica placing her purse in the door to keep it from closing before going to the car]
The: The end of the world is a billion, billion tiny moments...
[Erica opens the car's hatchback, then turns around just in time to warn...]
Erica: Don't shut the door!
[... Douglas as he comes out looking at his phone, closing the door on her purse, crushing her glasses inside of it]
The: ...and somewhere unnoticed...
Man: Sorry.
The: ...in silence or darkness...
[Erica fishes in her purse, pulls out the broken glasses]
Erica: [sighs] Damn it.
The: ...it has already begun.

The: [from a recording] I am the Doctor, a Time Lord from Gallifrey. I've agreed to this memory wipe of my own free will.
Clara: I am Clara Oswald, human. I've agreed to this memory wipe of my own free will.
[softer]
Clara: Do I really have to touch that worm thing?
The: [in background] Yes, you do. And change your shoes

The: Hello? Hello, are you the manager? I demand to speak to the manager!
Clara: This is not a real restaurant, is it?
The: Well, it's more a sort of an automated organ collection station for the unwary diner. Sweeney Todd without the pies.

The: London! What a dump.
Osgood: London's okay.
The: Not it's not. It's a dump.
Osgood: You spend an awful lot of time here, considering it's a dump.
The: I spend an awful lot of time being kidnapped, tortured, shot at, exterminated - doesn't mean I like it.

Half: Self-destruction is against my basic programming.
The: Murder is against mine!

The: I want to kiss him to death.

The: What's your name?
Osgood: Osgood.
The: No, no, no, your first name.
Osgood: What's your first name?
The: Basil.
Osgood: Petronella.
The: Let's just, uh, stick with what we had.

The: I care, Bill. But I move on.

The: You just want cruelty to beget cruelty. You're not superior to people who were cruel to you. You're just a whole bunch of new cruel people. A whole bunch of new cruel people, being cruel to some other people, who'll end up being cruel to you. The only way anyone can live in peace is if they're prepared to forgive. Why don't you break the cycle?

The: She's doing that old eyes thing because her face is so wide. She needs three mirrors.

The: With great power comes great responsibility. No man worthy of the title leaves a baby alone.

The: Why do they call him Spider-Man? Don't they like him?
Grant: He was bitten by a radioactive spider, and guess what happened?
The: Radiation poisoning, I should think.
Grant: No. He got special powers.
The: What? Vomiting, Hair loss and death? Fat lot of use.

River: [sees the Doctor lying in the snow, laughing] Is something funny?
King: [in bag] Who dares laugh at Hydroflax? You shall be crushed! You shall scream in fear! Let me out of this bag!
River: This is a serious mission in a critical phase. There is nothing to laugh about here.
The: [laughing] We're being threatened by a bag! By a head in a bag!
King: [in bag] I shall make dust of you. My enemies are meat for the devouring!
The: I can't approve of any of this, you know, but I haven't laughed in a long time.

Clara: [on the phone] You're always showing me amazing things. Well, I, Doctor, have finally got something amazing to show you.
The: Yes, well, there are some things that I've never seen, but that's usually because I've chosen not to see them. Even my incredibly long life is too short for Les Miserables.

The: You're doing it wrong.
River: I am certainly not.
The: Not those levers.
River: Hush.
The: You probably want to press that button.
River: Why? That evacuates the waste tank on deck seven.
The: Does it?
River: What is wrong with you?
The: Better avoid deck seven then.

The: What do you want from me?
Nardole: The truth.
The: Don't be unreasonable.

The: [about Danny Pink] You never told me he was dead. You said he made it back.
Clara: I lied. I lied so you'd go home to Gallifrey instead of fussing about me.
The: I never found Gallifrey. I lied so you'd stay with Danny.

The: If I didn't know better, I'd say I've travelled 7,000 years into the future.

Clara: How did you know I was here? Did you see me?
The: When do I *not* see you?
Clara: Oh, one face in all of that crowd?
The: There was a crowd, too?
Clara: Wow! We're doing charm as well now, are we?
[laughs]
Clara: Which one of us is dying?
[the Doctor gives her a long embrace]
Clara: Okay, and we're doing hugging now, too. I can't keep up.
The: You know what they say, hugging is a great way to hide your face.

The: He's a pudding brain. Worse than that, he's a fluorescent pudding brain.

The: I told you, you have one chance in a thousand, but one is all you ever need.

Saibra: So what are we supposed to do now? What's the plan?
The: I don't know. Well, the Architect set all this up. It should make sense. My personal plan is that a thing will probably happen quite soon.
Saibra: Oh so that's it? That's your plan?
The: Yep.
Saibra: A thing will happen?
The: A thing... probably.

[last lines]
The: Who are you?
Missy: Oh, you know who I am. I'm Missy.
The: Who's Missy?
Missy: [groans] Please, try to keep up! Short for "Mistress"... Well, couldn't very well keep calling myself "The Master", now could I?

The: What's the opposite of a massacre?
Bill: OK, what?
The: In my experience, a lecture.

The: Isn't this going a little far?
The: Oh. I've barely started.

Steadfast: They want to kill us.
The: No. They want to help you. Killing you is just a side effect.

Thinker: Unclench your fucking pearls, Flag! We serve the same master!
Ratcatcher: We were sent here to stop you!
Thinker: Child, your government didn't send you here to protect the world from alien technology, your government sent you here to cover up their part in it!
Rick: You're a goddamn liar!
Thinker: American goddamn astronauts found Starro! Yankee fucking doodle dandies! Although the Cold War was ended, your government saw the potential in weaponizing such a powerful beast. But banish the thought of any such experiments being held on American soil!

Clara: You're going to help me?
The: Well, why wouldn't I help you?
Clara: Because of what I just did, I just...
The: You betrayed me. You betrayed my trust. You betrayed our friendship. You betrayed everything... you let me down!
Clara: Then why are you helping me?
The: Why? Do you think that I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

Dalek: Victory is yours, but it does not please you?
The: You looked inside me and you saw hatred. That's not victory. Victory would've been a good Dalek.
Dalek: I am not a good Dalek. You are a good Dalek.

The: I need to know if it has any interest in what's inside this vault.
Bill: Why, what's inside it?
The: Something I don't want anyone being too curious about.
Bill: So you put it in the middle of a university?

Bill: Nobody knows the Doctor's real name.
Missy: I do because I grew up with him, and his real name is 'Doctor Who'.
The: Bill, she's just trying to wind you up.

River: What sort of medical school did you go to?
The: A really good one, for doctors.

The: And I've also introduced the word "dude" several centuries early.

The: Do I look like some feckless thief? I'm on your side. I'm an undercover constable from Scotland Yard. Do you have Scotland Yard yet?

Osgood: Why didn't that Zygon blow us up with her big bazooka?
The: She did blow us up with her big bazooka. This is us being blown up with a big bazooka.

Bonnie: You don't understand. You will never understand.
The: I don't understand? Are you kidding? Me? Of course I understand. I mean, do you call this a war? This funny little thing? This is not a war! I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count! And do you know what you do with all that pain? Shall I tell you where you put it? You hold it tight till it burns your hand, and you say this: No one else will ever have to live like this. No one else will have to feel this pain. Not on my watch!

The: Do I pay you? I should give you a raise.
Clara: You're not my boss, you're one of my hobbies.

The: What do you think, by the way?
River: Of what?
The: My new body.
River: Oh, I'll let you know. I've only seen the face.

Ohila: [talking with the Doctor about Rassilon] Why did you banish him? Was it punishment or for your own protection? Are you just being cruel or just being cowardly?
The: Let's see, shall we?

River: You don't look much like your pictures.
The: Well, that's an ongoing problem for me.

The: You know, don't you?
River: Know what?
The: Stop pretending. You know who I am.
River: Who are you?
The: You know who I am. It's... it's... it's me!
River: Great. Who are you?

Rafando: This tech is precisely calibrated. As you can see, it will stop both hearts, all three brain stems and deliver a cellular shock wave that will permanently disable regenerative capability.
The: I know how it works.
Rafando: You certainly will in a moment.

The: I think I've figured out a way to restore 3 dimensions.
[pauses]
The: At least at a small scale, say a door handle.
Clara: So what's that then? A de-flattener?
The: We're *not* calling it a de-flattener!
[Hands the device to Clara]
The: This should be able to restore dimensions. See what I called it?
Clara: [reads the symbols on the machine] Two D is. Two Dee Iz?
The: No. Twodis. It's called the Twodis.
[sigh]
The: Why'd I even bother?

The: I just wanted to save a terrified young woman's life.
Ashildr: You don't save my life, Doctor. You trap me inside it.

The: What do you think, Clara? Is someone trying to give me a hint? What would you do?
[imagines "Same as you" written on a blackboard]
The: Yes. Yes, of course you would. Which, let's be honest, is what killed you.

The: Listen, it's lovely talking to you but I've really got to get on. I'm the caretaker now, look I've got a brush.

The: What do you say to lunch, followed by breakfast, because we're time travelers and that's how we roll.

River: Doesn't look very impressive, does he? Nardole, what have you brought to my doorstep?
The: I've had a haircut. This is my best suit.

The: [Courtney vomits] Ah yes, there's been a spillage

Psi: I still don't understand why you're in charge.
The: Basically, it's the eyebrows.

Kate: So now that I have your attention, welcome to the only planet in the universe where we get to say this. He's on the payroll.
The: Am I?
Kate: Well, technically.
The: How much?
Kate: Shush.

Scratch: I do not like surprises.
The: Well, it's going to be a funny old day. Oh, boy.

The: Hello, sailors!

The: [the Tardis phone rings] Hardly anyone in the universe has that number.
Clara: Well, I've got it.
The: Yes, from some woman in a shop. We still don't know who that was.

The: Do you know why I always win at chess? I have a secret move. I kick over the board.

Bill: Why'd you run like that?
The: Like what?
Bill: Like a penguin with it's arse on fire.

The: What's your plan, Zygella?
Bonnie: I don't have a plan.
The: Come on, you don't invade planets without having a plan, that's why they're called planets; to remind you to plan-it. He-hey, that's good! Puntastic! Doctor Puntastic.

The: [looking at Rigsy's tattoo] Oh, that's not boring. That is very not boring.

The: I am Doctor Idiot!

[talking about Gus]
The: He has tried to entice me here before. Free tickets, mysterious summons, even phoned the Tardis one time.

The: Oh, you remember Clara, do you?
Ashildr: Of course. I take particular note of anyone's weaknesses.

The: It's simply misunderstandable to me. I don't know what it is. Who invented this room?
Clara: Doctor, please, you have to lie down.
The: It doesn't make any sense. Look, it's only got a bed in it. Why is there only a bed in it?
Clara: Because it's a bedroom, it's for sleeping in.
The: Okay, what do you do when you're awake?
Jenny: You leave the room.

The: It was the first thing I noticed when I stepped in here. You must have seen it too, you've got eyes out to here.
Clara: Seen what?
The: The universe is dead. Everything that ever was is dead and gone. There's nothing beyond this door but nothingness forever. So, why is it locked?
Danny: Please. Don't make me spend another night here.
The: Afraid of the dark, but the dark is empty now.
Danny: No, No it isn't.

Clara: I don't deserve a friend like you.
The: Clara, I'm terribly sorry - I'm exactly what you deserve.

Clara: What does she mean, grown?
The: She's a Grunt, Clara. They're bred in hatcheries. Cloned muscles. Low intelligence. Brute force. Instant army.
Clara: That's disgusting.
The: Well, that's how they roll in the thirty eighth century.

The: So who is it?
The: [the previous incarnation of The Doctor speaks through Clara's phone] Is that The Doctor?
The: Is that The Doctor?
Clara: Yes.

The: You?
Ashildr: Yes, it is me. What took you so long, old man?

The: Robbing a bank! Robbing a whole bank! Beat that for a date!

The: [holds a silver plate up so both The Doctor and the half-faced man can see themselves] You probably can't even remember where you got that face from.

The: Do babies die with honour?
[translating the baby's cries]
The: 'I am afraid, Mother. Hold me, Mother, I am afraid.'
Clara: Um, he speaks baby.
The: [continues translating] 'Turn your face towards me, Mother. For you're... you're beautiful. And I will sing for you. I am afraid, but I will sing.'

The: This is your power source and feeble though it is, I can use it to blow this whole room if I see one thing that I don't like. And that includes karaoke and mime, so take no chances.

The: I think I've got some spare eyes somewhere. They're from a lizard, but I'm sure they'll fit.

The: Where's Bennett? We need to get going.
O'Donnell: Oh, he's still throwing up. 'One small step for man, one giant bleargh!'
The: Time travel does that sometimes.
O'Donnell: Somehow I doubt that Rose or Martha or Amy lost their breakfast on the first trip.

Osgood: The Tardis.
The: The Tardis.
Osgood: What does it stand for?
The: What? You're kidding me? Surely you know that?
Osgood: Well, I've heard a couple of different versions.
The: I made it up from the initials. It stands for Totally And Radically Driving In Space.

The: [Cass has ordered the base to be abandoned] Now wait, wait...
Lunn: [translating for Cass, who's confronting the Doctor] I can't force you to leave. So you can stay and do the whole Cabin in the Woods thing and get killed or drowned if you want. But my first priority is to protect my crew.
[Cass walks away leaving the Doctor stunned]

[sees a Cyberman help him out]
The: Of course... the Earth's darkest hour and mine. Where else would you be?
[salutes the Brigadier]

The: [points to the question marks on Osgood's lapels] Oh, I see you've accessorized it.
Osgood: Yes
The: The old question marks.
Osgood: You used to wear question marks.
The: Oh I know, yes I did.
Osgood: They were nice. Why don't you wear them anymore?
The: Oh, I do. I've got question mark underpants.
Osgood: Makes one wonder what the question is.

The: [in a Scottish accent] Why do you keep talking like that? What's gone wrong with your accent?
Jenny: [in her normal English accent] Nothing's wrong with her accent.
The: You sound the same, it's spreading. You all sound all English, now you've all developed a fault!

Bill: Are you from space?
The: No of course not. Nobody's from space. I'm from a planet like everybody else.

The: [muffled annoyed shouting from the bag] Sorry. It was my stomach. I have an irritable bowel.
King: [in bag] My revenge will be merciless! I will rip you open and devour you!
The: It's having a day.

The: Do you need a hand with the dishes? We're really very good, aren't we, Bill?
Bill: Yeah.
Friday: Friday does not require help.
Bill: [stepping up] Happy to. Honestly. Though, uh, he's better at dryin'.
[the Doctor joins her, together displacing Friday from his task]
The: Yes. Don't like the soapy water; makes the fingers go all crinkly. Nice to be home, I bet. Of course, it would be better if they'd, uh, 'killed the fatted calf,' so to speak.
[Friday turns and starts walking away]
The: Rolled out the red-planet carpet. Then you're the last of your kind, aren't you, according the the Colonel.
[Friday stops, looks back]
The: So no one left to do the rolling.
Friday: I *am* the last.
[Friday looks away, but the Doctor presses on]
The: How can you be sure?
Friday: [turns to face them] There was a war. A great and terrible war. Friday saw much blood. Now all is gone. My world is dead.
The: [as Friday turns away] But-but while you were asleep, on your ship, in stasis. Maybe there *are* others.
Friday: [turns back again] Friday would... feel... the presence of others. Friday is alone.
The: [walks up to his face] Why'd you call yourself that? What's your real name? An Ice Warrior would never let these humans patronise him without a reason. You're helping the pig. For what?
Friday: Mars still has many riches.
The: [walking away, clearly sceptical] Which you are happy to share.
Friday: Why should not others benefit instead?
[Friday walks away]
Bill: Maybe he's telling the truth.
The: Maybe.
Bill: Wha', can't we give him the benefit of the doubt? I mean, just because he's a big green monster...
The: You think I'm taking sides? I'm not taking sides. The universe is too complicated, far too nuanced. Things are never quite black and white. There are individual aliens just as there are individual humans. Different languages, accents, politics. Different times, different... loyalties.

The: [Pops out of a sarcophagus] Don't kiss me. Morning breath.

The: I'm not a passenger. I'm your worst nightmare.
[shows psychic paper to Quell]
Captain: A mystery shopper. Oh, great.

Colony: Doctor, your friends have led me to you. You will come.
The: [standing by his tank] Says you and whose army?
[in reply Colony Sarff disperses into dozens of snakes]

The: I'm not a good man! I'm not a bad man! I'm not a hero! I'm not a President! And no, I'm not an officer! You know who I am? I am an idiot with a box and a screwdriver, passing through, helping out. And I don't need an army, I never have.

The: [to carriage driver] Halt! Sorry, I'm going to have to relieve you of your pet.
Cabbie: You're what?
The: Sorry, I was talking to the horse.
[frees horse from reins]

Sam: Who's this, your sidekick? You got your dad as a sidekick?
The: I'm not his dad, I'm the Doctor.
Sam: Is that the best name you could come up with?
The: What, says 'Sam Swift the Quick?' That's trying a bit too hard, isn't it? Or are you a little bit slow?

The: I need clothes, that's what I need. And a big, long scarf. No, no, move on from that, it looked stupid.

The: Between here and my office, before the kettle boils, is everything that ever happened or ever will.

The: It's as if his bones have disintegrated.
Nardole: Oh. What could do that?
The: Complete and total absence of any kind of sunlight.
Nardole: Huh. Death by Scotland.

The: The moon is hatching!
Clara: Huh?
The: The moon is an egg!

The: Because it's always the same. When you fire the first shot, no matter how right you feel, you have no idea who's going to die. You don't know whose children are going to scream and burn. How many hearts will be broken. How many lives shattered! How much blood will spill... before everybody does what they were ALWAYS going to have to do from the very beginning! SIT. DOWN. AND. TALK.

The: Colonel, take it easy. They're trying to unsettle you; they're trying to make you paranoid, panicked.
Walsh: Any living thing in this world, including my family and friends, could turn into a Zygon and kill me, any second now. It's not paranoia when it's real.

[extra scene]
The: It's Scotland. It's supposed to be damp.
Nardole: [making a face] Phbbt.
The: What's that face for?
Nardole: Well, last time you went on one of your trips, you ended up blind.
The: Yeah. Well, now I'm better.
Nardole: The Earth got invaded.
The: It's all sorted. 'Thanks very much, Doctor.' 'Oh, you're welcome.'
Nardole: Now we're in Aberdeen.
The: But we are perfectly safe.
Nardole: Yeah, except something here managed to wipe out five thousand Romans.
The: There's been nothing but negativity from you today, Nardole, and I've had enough of it.
Nardole: Well, you know, you make me climb up...
The: The next excursion should be an opportunity for you. An opportunity...
Nardole: An opportunity, right.
The: ...to increase your *tiny* sense of self-worth. To make yourself properly useful.
Nardole: I'm very useful.
The: Watch for that moment. Seize it! Stop focusing on imaginary dangers. These are peaceful folk around here: farmers, herders.
Nardole: So how did they destroy the Ninth Legion?
The: [sighs] Because, they are very dangerous when you make them angry, so just try not to annoy them. I know that's going to be a long stretch for you.
Nardole: Hmph. He never stops. He never stops.

The: [referring to the Architect] I hate him! He's overbearing, he's manipulative, he likes to think that he's very clever. I hate him!

Nardole: We weren't sure where you'd come down.
The: Sorry?
Nardole: In your capsule.
The: I'm never sure. I don't like being sure about things. One minute you're sure, the next everybody turns into lizards and a piano falls on you.
Nardole: Piano?
The: It's been a long day.

The: [raising weapon] Everybody, stay exactly where you are! No moving about. On pain of death no one take a selfie!

The: [driving Davros' chair among the Daleks] So, anyone for Dodge 'ems?

Osgood: Why do you have a Union Jack parachute?
The: Um, camouflage.
Osgood: Camouflage?
The: Yes, we're in Britain.

The: [to a crowd of people on the street] Get away from here, all of you, now! Now!
Missy: I'm sorry, everyone, another ranting Scotsman in the street. I had no idea there was a match on.
The: Get away, go!
Missy: Stop shouting, love. Stop making a fuss, it's too late.

Bill: Traveling to the past, there's got to be rules. If I step on a butterfly, it could send ripples through time that mean I'm not even born yet in the first place, and I could just disappear.
The: Definitely. I mean, that's what happened to Pete.
Bill: Pete?
The: Your friend, Pete. He was standing there a moment ago, but he stepped on a butterfly. Now you don't even remember him.
[Bill is horrified, then realizes he's joking]
Bill: Shut up! I'm being serious.
The: Yeah, so was Pete.
Bill: You know what I mean. Every choice I make in this moment, here and now, could change the whole future.
The: Exactly like every other day of your life. The only thing to do is to stop worrying about it.
Bill: [grumbles] Okay, if you say so.
The: Pete stopped worrying.

The: We need to distract our other senses. Clara, go back to the TARDIS. Pick up all of my most annoying stuff.

Saibra: When you meet the Architect, promise me something. Kill him.
The: I hate him. But I can't make that promise.
Saibra: A good man. I left it late to meet one of those.

The: The universe shows it's true face when it asks for help. We show ours by how we respond.

The: Stories... are where memories go when they are forgotten.

Ashildr: I've had 800 years of adventure. Enough to fill a library if you write it down.
The: [examining a crown in her study] A medieval queen? How exciting!
Ashildr: You'd think. It was paperwork and backgammon mainly as I recall.

The: This is your country. Protect it from the scary monsters. And also from the Zygons.

[last lines]
Clara: Whatever you did for Ashildr, I think she deserved it.
The: Yes. Yes, she did. But Ashildr isn't just human any more. A little piece of alien inside her, so in a way she's... in a way... she's a hybrid.

Bennett: Wait, you're going to go back in time? How do you do that?
The: Extremely well.

The: When did you start believing in impossible heroes?
Clara: Don't you know?

[first lines]
The: The Satanic Nebula. Or the Lagoon of Lost Stars. Or we could go to Brighton. I've got a whole day worked out.
Clara: Sorry, but as you can see, I've got plans.

The: [as the Foretold Mummy menacingly approaches him] You... are a *soldier*!
[the Foretold Mummy stops and slowly salutes the Doctor]

Twelfth: This is Clara, not my assistant. She's a... Some other word.
Clara: I'm his carer.
Twelfth: Yeah, my carer. She cares so I don't have to.

The: Oh, Ashildr Dotterweinar, what happened to you?
Ashildr: You did, Doctor. You happened.

The: Never trust a hug. It's just a way to hide your face.

Bill: Have you ever killed anyone? There's a look in your eyes sometimes that makes me wonder. Have you?
The: There are situations when the options available are limited...
Bill: Not what I asked.
The: Sometimes the choices available...
Bill: That's not what I asked!
[pause]
The: Yes.
[long pause]
Bill: How many?... Don't tell me: you moved on.
The: You know what happens if you don't move on? More people die. The kids living rough near here, they may well be next on the menu. Do you want to help me? Do you want to stand here stamping your foot? Because let me tell you something: I'm two thousand years old, and I've never had the time for the luxury of outrage.
[Bill notices something behind the Doctor. He turns around]
Kitty: What do you mean, "On the menu"?

The: Take a look at him. That's why you don't stand a chance. You want to know why? He's actually left-handed.
[Grant is holding back the spaceship with his right hand]
Grant: Sorry, instinct. I couldn't let go of this.
[holds up the baby monitor in his left hand]

The: You're immortal, not indestructible. You can be hurt - killed, even.
Ashildr: 10,000 hours is all it takes to master any skill. Over 100,000 hours and you're the best there's ever been. I don't need to be indestructible - I'm superb.

The: So who's in charge now? I need to know who to ignore.
Lunn: [translating for Cass as she signs] That'd be me.
[pauses then quickly gestures to Cass]
Lunn: Her!

The: Are you phoning me with your backside again, or are you really sending me a distress signal?

[from series 9 trailer]
The: I'm the Doctor. And I save people.

The: How do you get all the presents in the sleigh?
Santa: It's bigger on the inside.

The: [to Clara] There's something you have to ask yourself, and it's important. Your life may depend on it. Everybody's life. Do you really believe in Santa Claus?

Twelfth: Like sewage, smart phones, and Donald Trump, some things are just inevitable.

The: [Clara has just been beamed from the Mire's ship] Clara! Clara!
[He stops running towards her and gives her a thumbs-up]
The: I'm not a hugger.
[He swoops her up and twirls her around]
The: Oh, and this is not a hug!

The: Your chances of survival are about one in a thousand. So here's what you do - you forget the thousand and you concentrate on the one.

Missy: 10-0-11-0-0 by 0-2.
The: What did you say?
The: The current co-ordinates of Gallifrey. It's returned to its original location. Didn't you ever think to look?

The: Oh well, I've had a good innings. This regeneration is a bit of a clerical error, anyway.

The: [puts his teacup down] Course, the real question is, 'Where did he get the cup of tea?' Answer - I'm the Doctor. Just accept it.

The: A long time ago, there was a student at the Academy. He got in here, disappeared for four days. Showed up in a completely different part of the city. Said the Sliders talked to him, they showed him the secret passage out. We just need the code.
Clara: What, and the kid told you the secret?
The: Ah, no. He didn't tell anyone anything. He went completely mad. Never right in the head again... so they say.
Clara: Okay, that's encouraging.
The: The last I heard, he stole the moon and the President's wife.
Clara: Was she, um, was she nice? The President's wife?
The: Ah, well, that was a lie put about by the Sheboglans. It was the President's *daughter*. I didn't steal the moon, I lost it...
Clara: [smiling] I'd know you anywhere.

The: I'm following bread crumbs laid out for me. This is somebody's game, and I can't stop playing a game everybody else has lost.

The: Ashildr...
Ashildr: That's not my name. I don't even remember that name.
The: Well, w-w-what do you call yourself?
Ashildr: Me.
The: Yes, you, there's nobody else here.
Ashildr: No, I call myself 'Me'. All the other names I chose died with whoever knew me. 'Me' is who I am now. No one's mother, daughter, wife. My own companion - singular, unattached, alone.

[they fall into a murky pool]
Clara: Oh, what is this stuff?
The: People. Daleks need protein. Occasionally harvest from their victims. This is a feeding tube.
Journey: Was Ross here?
The: Yeah, top layer if you want to say a few words.

The: [leading sword practice among the Vikings] So, when I say 'move' you move! When I say 'jump' you say, 'How high?' Unless there's, of course, a gap of some kind, which of course means you jump horizontally.
[a tall Viking raises his hand]
The: Yes, what is it, Lofty?
Lofty: Sir, my name's not actually Lofty. It's...
The: No, it's not. It's 'Lofty' - I've got too much to think about without everybody having their own names, so it's 'Lofty.'
[points to him]
The: You're 'Lofty.'
[points to a Viking with long hair]
The: You're Daphne,
[points to a Viking with an oversized helmet]
The: you're Noggin-the-Nog,
[points to a bald Viking]
The: ZZ Top,
[points to one with braids]
The: and you're, uh, Heidi.

Bill: Where's the steering wheel?
The: Well, you don't steer the Tardis, you negotiate with it. The still point between where you want to go and where you need to be, that's where she takes you.

[first lines]
The: [voice over] Space, the final frontier... Final because it wants to kill us. Sometimes we forget that. Start taking it all for granted. The suits, the ships, the little bubbles of safety as they protect us from the void. But the void is always waiting.

The: [walking into the UNIT command post] At ease! I'm the President of the world. I'm here to rescue people and generally establish happiness all over the place. The Doctor - Doctor Funkenstein.
Walsh: Yes, we know who you are.

The: You all right?
Shona: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to talk sense into beardy-weirdy.
[points at Santa Claus]
The: You don't seem much like a scientist.
Shona: Well, that's a bit rude, coming from a magician.
The: Why are you out here? What brought you to the North Pole?
Shona: Long story, isn't it?

The: Go to the city. Find somebody important. Tell them, I'm back. Tell them, I know what they did and I'm on my way. And if they ask you who I am, tell them I came the long way round.

Bill: Doesn't anyone notice the TARDIS?
The: Your species hardly notices anything.

The: Now listen, you're going to need this.
[hands her the sonic screwdriver and psychic paper through the tiny Tardis door]
Clara: Ow, wow! This is an honour. Does this mean I'm you now?
The: No, it does not. So don't get any ideas.

The: [pulls off Friar Tuck's sandal] This isn't a real sandal!
Friar: Yes, it is!
The: [sniffing it] Oh yes, it is.

Missy: I've turned the lift off' though.
The: I presume you have stairs.
Missy: Well, I'm not a Dalek!

The: [looking at Rigsy's baby daughter] Did you make this human?

River: I'm so sorry. This is my husband, Ramone.
The: Another one? Are you going to kill him, too?
Ramone: We're not actually married.
River: Ah, we are, in fact. I wiped it from your memory.
Ramone: Why?
River: Well, you were being annoying.

The: When Time Lords die, their minds are uploaded to a thing called the Matrix. This structure is like a living computer, it can predict the future, generate prophesies out of algorithms, ring the cloister bells in the event of impending catastrophe. The Sliders, they're just like the guard dogs - firewall - projections from inside the Matrix itself. The dead manning the battlements.
Clara: Was I supposed to understand any of that?
The: The Time Lords have got a big computer made of ghosts in a crypt guarded by more ghosts.
Clara: Didn't hurt, did it?
The: Tiny bit.

The: [gestures towards the armoured battle tank] What do you think of my tank? Don't worry, it isn't loaded.
Bors: I don't like it.
The: No neither do I. I bought it for my fish.
Bors: Your fish?
The: I may have ordered *on line*!
[the crowd is silent and confused]

The: Why does peacekeeping always involve killing?

The: [referring to the comfy reading chair with restraints] You know, I've read a lot of books that this chair would be quite useful for... Moby Dick... honestly shut up and get to the whale.

The: Well?
Clara: Well what?
The: He asked you a question. Will you help me?
Clara: You shouldn't have been listening.
The: I wasn't. I didn't need to. That was me talking. You can't see me, can you? You look at me, and you can't see me. Have you any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone, I'm right here, standing in front of you. Please, just, just see me.

Rigsy: What's happening?
The: It's called a quantum shade; it's a kind of spirit. Once it's bound to a victim, you could flee across all of time and all of the universe and it would still find you.

The: I don't need a sword. Because I am the Doctor. And this is my spoon.

The: Assume you're going to survive. Always assume that. Imagine you've already survived. There's a storm room in your mind. Lock the door and think! This is my storm room. I always imagine that I'm back in my Tardis, showing off, telling you how I escaped, making you laugh.

The: [to Clara] Stop it with the eyes. Don't do that with the eyes. How do you do that anyway? It's like they inflate.

Clara: What do we do now? What happens now, you and me? Doctor?
The: Go to hell.
Clara: Fair enough. Absolutely fair enough.
[starts to leave]
The: Clara? You asked me what we're going to do. I told you: we're going to Hell. Or wherever it is where people die. If there is anywhere. Wherever it is, we're going to find Danny, and if it is in any way possible, we're going to bring him home.

The: [the Doctor looks at his reflections in the dresser mirrors] Why do you have three mirrors? Why don't you just turn your head?
Clara: What are you doing in here?
The: You said you had a date. I thought I'd better hide in the bedroom in case you brought him home.

Flemming: Is the gentleman here for dinner?
The: Yes, he is.
Flemming: Excellent! I'll have the chef prepare him immediately.
The: No, you won't.
River: Er, he will in fact be joining me to eat.
Flemming: I was about to suggest that force-feeding might be required.

The: You know I'm over two thousand years old? I'm old enough to be your Messiah.

The: Who are you?
Missy: I am Missy.
Clara: Missy?
Missy: [in a monotone] Mobile Intelligent Systems Interface. I am a multi-function, interactive, welcome droid, helping you, to help me, to help you.
The: You're very... realistic.
Clara: Tongues?
The: Shut up.

The: [propping a spade to keep a door closed] Physics of a triangle - you lose!

Marty: [Andrew as Marty] Mrs. Birch, I need to talk to Nick.
Diane: Marty?
Marty: [panicked in fright] No. I mean, yes. Yeah. I mean... Would you just put Nick on, please?
Diane: [calls on Nick] Nick, Andrew's dad is on the phone for you.
[holds the phone to him]
Seamus: [tired] Mr. Glouberman?
Marty: Oh, Sorry, Grandpa MacGregor, I needed to talk to Nick.
Seamus: This is Nick. Wait. Why is my voice so weird? And why do I feel my skeleton?
Marty: Aw, SHIT. Nick, it happened to you too.
Seamus: [Nick as Seamus] What happened?
Marty: This is Andrew.
[looks at his underwear]
Marty: I woke up in my dad's body.
Seamus: WHAT? What are you talking about?
Marty: [shocked] JUST GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
[he goes looking in the mirror looking like an old man, and gets shocked]
Seamus: AH! MY FACE. MY BODY.
Rick: Oh, shit, Nick. You turned into a California Raisin.
Seamus: I'm my fucking grandpa. Oh GOD! Do you think this has happened to anyone else?

The: [after his regeneration, as the TARDIS loses control] Kidneys! I've got new kidneys! I don't like the color.
Clara: Of your kidneys?
[the TARDIS shakes]
Clara: What's happening?
The: We're probably crashing. Oh!
Clara: Into what?
The: Stay calm! Just one question: do you happen to know how to fly this thing?

Clara: You can't do this. You cannot pass yourself off as a real person among actual people!
The: I lived among otters once, for a month... well I sulked. River and I, we had this big fight...
Clara: Human beings are not otters!
The: Exactly. It'll be even easier.

The: Shhh. Does everybody hear that? Do you know what that sound was? That was the sound of my PATIENCE shattering into a billion little pieces!

The: Mmm. What do you think of the towers?
River: I love them.
The: Then why are you ignoring them?
River: They're ignoring me. But then you can't expect a monolith to love you back.
The: No, you can't.

The: Hello. I'm so pleased to finally see you. I'm the Doctor and I will be your victim this evening. Are you my mummy?

The: I just watched my best friend die in agony, my day can't get any worse. Let's see what we can do about yours!
[the castle monitors turn on and the Doctor sees himself in them]

The: Four knocks. It's always four knocks.

The: So, let me ask you a question about this brave new world of yours. When you've killed all the bad guys; and when it's all perfect and just and fair; and when you have finally got it exactly the way you want it, what are you going to do with the people like you?

The: When you drink a glass of Coke, it's only this big,
[gestures with his hands]
The: but it's actually got this much sugar
[opens arms wide]
The: in it. It works a bit like that.
Maebh: What does?
The: The Tardis. It's bigger on the inside than the outside. Or did you not notice?
Maebh: I just thought it was supposed to be bigger on the inside, so I didn't say anything.

The: Never be cruel, and never be cowardly. And if you ever are, always make amends.