300 Best Ron Howard Quotes

Andy: Let's have it... you know what I'm talkin' about. Hand it over.
[Opie hands over the slingshot]
Andy: You killed that bird, didn't you?... Didn't cha?
[Opie nods]
Andy: You remember me tellin' you to be careful with this thing?
Opie: I'm sorry, Pa.
Andy: That won't bring that bird back to life. Being sorry is not the magic word that makes everything right again.
Opie: You gonna give me a whippin'?
Andy: No, I'm not gonna give you a whippin'.
[opens the window]
Andy: You hear that? That's those young birds chirpin' for their mama that's never comin' back. You just listen to that for a while.

Lindsay: [about the Milford Academy] Buster was the only one who ever liked it.
Narrator: Buster so excelled at being neither seen nor heard that he remained at the school a full two semesters after he was supposed to graduate.

Buster: Hey, I just came to tell you that I can't do that wall.
Drill: There's no time for that! We're shipping out without you! Haven't you heard?
[hands Buster military files]
Buster: Weapons of Mass Destruction?
Gob: Those bastards!
Drill: I did not say that!
Gob: Are you going to allow that, Buster? Are you going to allow your children, and your children's children, and any children that I might have out there to live in fear for the rest of their lives?
[advances to the wall]
Gob: Climb that wall, homo!
Drill: Go get 'em!
Narrator: [as Buster climbs the wall] Buster got the encouragement he needed, and just when it seemed there wouldn't be any surprises...
[Gob punches Buster as he jumps to the other side]
Narrator: ... it did.
Gob: Now, when you do this without getting punched, you'll have more fun.

Opie: You ever been scared, Pa? Really scared?
Andy: Yeah. Boy, I remember one time when I was about your age, I climbed over this fence into this farmer's field and I come face-to-face with a great big ol' bull. And he had the meanest disposition and the longest horns.
Opie: What'd you do, Pa?
Andy: Oh, I'd say about 60 miles a hour. Anything less and I mighta had my pride punctured.

[Opie, influenced by Arnold, comes back for a second father-son discussion]
Opie: I still don't wanna work for my allowance.
Andy: Fine. You don't have to.
Opie: Oh, boy!
Andy: No work, no allowance.
Opie: THAT'S NOT FAIR!
Andy: Don't raise your voice to me! Now you get on outta here. I got things to do.
[Opie thinks about it then takes a big gulp of air]
Andy: What're you doin'?
Opie: [trying to maintain his breath] Pwm pwmbm.
Andy: Opie, I asked you what you're doin'.
Opie: [exhales] I was holding my breath.
Andy: [going back to his paperwork] Good. Good lung exercise.
[Opie licks his lip then starts screaming wildly]
Andy: Opie, what're you doin' now?
Opie: [stopping suddenly] I'm crying and I can't stop.
Andy: [not impressed] That's a shame.
[Opie steps back and begins to stomp on the floor. Failing to get Andy's attention, he drops to the floor kicking and screaming]
Andy: What're you doin' now?
Opie: [stops and sits up calmly] I was having a tantrum.
Andy: Oh. Well, don't get your clothes all dirty.

George: Because anything can happen when two people share a cell, 'cos.
George: [Maebe stares at him] It's a line from the Warden's screenplay.
Mae: What? Oh, OH! I don't know what I was worried about.
Narrator: And that would be the happiest moment George-Michael would ever experience in his entire life.

Opie: What's the matter with her, Pa?
Andy: Oh, I don't know, Opie. I guess she's just one of those girls that's got a peculiar hitch in her git-a-long.

Richie: [an angry Richie has been drinking heavily at a local bar... Fonzie is trying to take him home] I would REALLY like to be alone right now.
Arthur: No you don't.
Richie: Let's get something straight right now, all right? The days when The Fonz can come riding in and solve all my problems with a few choice words are long gone! So why don't you leave-a-mundo?
Arthur: You're absolutely right. This is not a frosh mixer. I can't fix you up with a date, but you are my friend, we can talk about it and I haven't said 'a-mundo' in an awful long time!
[Richie turns away]
Arthur: Fine... you don't wanna say anything, we won't talk. Then we'll go home. You know why? 'Cause there's a lotta people worried about you.
Richie: [angry] I'll leave when I damn well feel like leaving!
Arthur: Good plan... good plan.
[gets up]
Arthur: Except something in my soul tells me that you want to leave
[yanks chair out from under Richie's feet]
Arthur: right now. So Richie, put the beer down and let's go home, OK?
[Richie stands up and punches Fonzie in the face]
Arthur: So we got that out of our systems, right? Come on, Richie. Let's go.
Richie: I said I'll leave when I feel like it!
[swings at Fonzie again and misses]
Arthur: [Fonzie restrains him and pins him to a pool table] What, are you crazy? You think I'm gonna let you do that a second time?
Richie: I'm gonna get you for that, Fonz! I'm gonna kick your butt!
Arthur: Right... right.

Narrator: Lucille, meanwhile, was growing closer to her recently adopted Korean son, whom she called Annyong...
Lucille: That looks much better, Annyong.
Narrator: ...which isn't a name...
Annyong: Annyong.
Narrator: ...but the Korean word for "hello."

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gets a review of his Shakespeare play.
Tobias: I didn't get into this business to please sophomore Tracy Schwartzman, so... onward and upward. On...
Tobias: [Cut to Tobias crying in the shower] Why, Tracy? Why?

Richie: Hey, Fonzie, this Stripper she took off..
The: Nothing!
Richie: You knew?
The: Yeah, but Bull makes the World go around. I think I'm going to scratch that on the toilet wall.

Narrator: Remember when I said that GOB had a son? I wasn't just saying so. In high school, he became intimate with these girls. These three became pregnant. This one had a baby. That baby would grow up to be...
Steve: Steve Holt!

Narrator: As Gob was forced to send away someone he loved, George Sr. was forced to visit someone he had once tried to shove out of a moving car.

Joy: Oh Opie, you were just wonderful.
Opie: Groovy.
Joy: I had no idea you played so well.
Opie: Cool.
Joy: I was really impressed.
Opie: Groovy.
Joy: To think that I know a real rock & roll musician personally.
Opie: Cool. See ya, Phoebe.

Opie: [Aunt Bee is about to have her first driving lesson] Can I go with Aunt Bee?
Andy: No no no, I don't want to lose everybody.

Narrator: [GOB reunites with his son and asks him to go to the family's cabin property] If Steve Holt had a father, he would have been warned not to go into the woods with strange men. But he didn't.

Leader of the Wildcats: You're in charge of the sacred candle. It's your job to bring it to every meeting and you must never lose it, 'cause it's sacred.
Opie: What happens when the sacred candle gets all used up?
Leader of the Wildcats: We go down to the dime store and buy another sacred candle.

Opie: You tryin' to get rid of me, Pa?

Opie: You wouldn't like to sorta let me pass by your street today for free, would ya?
Sheldon: Why should I?
Opie: Well, then I could give Pa back a nickel I sorta owe him.
Sheldon: Who's stoppin' ya?
Opie: Well, If I give him back his nickel, and I have to give you a nickel for passin' by your street, I ain't gonna have no nickel for milk, and boy, Sheldon, it ain't easy gettin' a peanut butter and jelly sandwich down dry.

[Sheriff Taylor goes fishing with his son Opie and his lucky fishing pole, "Eagle-Eye Annie"]
Andy: Ole Eagle-Eye Annie is doin' herself proud, ain't she? Sure do have to thank her.
Opie: But you're doin' the fishin'.
Andy: Oh, not really. Way I see it, I'm just the middleman. About all I do is get the bait. Day comes ole Annie learns to dig her own worms, why, she'd probably won't invite me along at all after that.

Tobias: [playing George Sr. on the TV show Scandalmakers] Perhaps an attic shall I seek...
Narrator: Real shoddy narrating. Just pure crap.

Tobias: I'm afraid that this offer comes off the table at midnight.
Michael: That may be the worst bluff I've ever heard.
Narrator: Even the members of Gobias industries agreed on that one.

Lucille: [flashback] Dinner's ready. We're having Lindsay chops. What? I just wanted to be ready in case some bully at school was as clever as I am.
Narrator: No bully ever would be.

Michael: [reading his birth certificate] "Nichael Bluth"? Oh my god, am I "N. Bluth"? Is he setting me up? If I'm N. Bluth, I'm going to prison!
Narrator: Nichael was worried.

Michael: [at Gob's magic show at the Gothic Castle] Where's Tobias?
Narrator: [voiceover] Tobias had intended to come to the magic show, but had a slight miscommunication with his cab driver.
Tobias: [Tobias is wearing a leather outfit he bought to impress Maebe] I would like to go to the Gothic Castle.
Cab: [slurring words] Gothic asshole?
Tobias: That's what I said.
[at the wrong Gothic Castle, Tobias sees two people walking out]
Tobias: Boy, I am glad I didn't go with that outfit.
[to the bouncer]
Tobias: Yes, I am looking for the magic.

Sheriff: Uh, Opie, Barney says there was a poem written on the wall of the bank and that you was standin' along beside of it with a piece of chalk in your hand.
Opie: Yeah, but I didn't do it, pa. Honest.
Sheriff: I believe you.
Deputy: [angrily] Are you pittin' your crime detectin' judgement against mine?
Sheriff: Well, Barney, I have to, because, for one thing, Opie wouldn't lie to me.
Deputy: You call that evidence?
Sheriff: And for another, he ain't learned how to write yet.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay tries to pay off her debt to Bob Loblaw.
Bob: Why don't you get a maid's uniform and come over to my house?
Lindsay: No way to misinterpret that...
Narrator: [Lindsay is next seen in a maid's uniform hauling out trash] Except the one...

Opie: Can I run away from home?
Sheriff: Uh... you... you want to run away from home? Well, now, uh, if-if-if that's what you got on your mind, well, you-you goin' about it all wrong.
Opie: I am?
Sheriff: Oh, yeah. You ain't supposed to ask your pa.
Opie: But you always said I should never go anyplace far without gettin' your permission.
Sheriff: Well, yeah, I know I did say that, but, uh, see-see, running away from home is a little special. See, what you do in a case like that is first you write a note SAYIN' that you're runnin' away, and then you do it.
Opie: You mean to tell me that's all there is to it?
Sheriff: That's all.
Opie: But I don't know how to write.
Sheriff: That does make a problem.

Andy: Anything happen is school today?
Opie: Johnny Paul dropped his bacon and tomato sandwich on the playground.
Aunt: Oh, what a shame.
Opie: You should've seen it after it got stepped on a few times.
Andy: Stepped on? Didn't anybody see it lyin' there?
Opie: We all did. We took turns jumpin' on it.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own recordings to see what Michael was referring to.
Tobias: [on tape] Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!
Tobias: [out loud] Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias: [on tape] I've been in the film business for a while but I just cant seem to get one in the can.
Tobias: [out loud] Context...
Tobias: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator: And he realizes there IS something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias: [out loud] Tobias... you blow hard!

Tobias: I guess what I'm saying is... I wanna reunite the band.
Michael: Oh no.
Narrator: Oh, no was right. In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk music band with Lindsay and Maebe which he called Dr. Funke's 100 Percent Natural Good Time Family Band Solution. The group was underwritten by the Natural Food Life Company, a division of Chem-Grow, an Allen Crayne Acquisition, which was part of the Squimm Group. Their motto was simple: We keep you alive.

Rita: Oh Michael, you're such a (bleep).
Narrator: I cant believe we had to bleep that out. That would have been such a nice moment.

Andy: Well, while you fellas are shakin' hands with buzzers and havin' stuff jump outa papers and foolin' around like that, what are the girls doin'?
Opie: Just acting silly.

Opie: [playing checkers] Your move, Pa.
Andy: I know it is. I'm just formulatin' my plan of attack - and I believe I've got 'er!
[makes a move]
Opie: Sure you wanna move there, Pa? I can jump ya.
Andy: Go right ahead. You'll fall in with my plans.
Opie: Okay. I jump HERE.
[Opie makes a jump but does not release his piece]
Andy: Now watch THIS.
Opie: I ain't finished, Pa. I also jump here, here, here, here and here.
[takes away six of Andy's pieces]
Opie: Got any plans NOW, Pa?
Andy: [smiling] Well, gee, I got plans to quit plannin' with you. You're a riverboat sharpie's what you are.

Narrator: Michael remembered what Buster did to what he thought was Rosa's favorite toy to what he thought was Rosa's car.
[Young Buster throws a vacuum cleaner at the bus]

Michael: I'm looking for a man who's probably in the seedy underbelly of Reno.
Cab: Oh, the Christian League had The Seedy Underbelly shut down. Now it's a Swallows.
Narrator: Swallows was a family-style restaurant by day and an anything-goes, pan-sexual bazaar by night.

Tobias: What are you doing up here?
George Bluth Sr.: [he shoves Tobias against the wall with his hand covering Tobias's mouth] I'm having a fucking tea party, what does it look like? I live here and if you tell anybody, you are dead.
Narrator: Tobias saw the raw power of George Sr.
George Bluth Sr.: Ah, stop licking my hand, you horse's ass!

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Buster and GOB find themselves closer than ever.
The: Good news, we've removed the hook and there's been no damage.
Gob: [as Buster gets up and leaves] Oh thank god!
The: Unfortunately, you've still got a hook in your ass.

Opie: First you say don't break a solemn promise. Now you say it's okay to break a solemn promise. You're sure mixin' me up, pa.

Narrator: It was the first taste of alcohol that Buster had since nursing.

Opie: Hi Otis, I see you got a snootful again.
Andy: Opie, I don't like to hear you use words like that.
Opie: What words, Pa?
Andy: Snootful. You don't even know what it means.
Opie: Sure I do, Pa. It's what Otis does that makes him walk in here crooked every week.

George: [George Michael is in love with his ethics teacher] I don't want to let down Miss Baerly. She's nice, you know?
Lindsay: She's interesting... and pretty?
George: Well, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I guess there's just some things you can't always say to your dad.
Lindsay: Ah. sounds like you'd like her to be more than just your teacher.
Narrator: Lindsay believed that George Michael wanted to fix up his father so he could fill the role of his mother.
Lindsay: There's nothing wrong with that. Although... I must say I'm a little hurt that you haven't considered me.
George: You're my aunt.
Lindsay: That doesn't matter. Aunts can fill that role. Teachers can fill that role. And, someday, you're going to find the right woman to fill that role. But until then... I'll be right across the hall.
Narrator: Lindsay had never been more proud of anything she had said in her entire life.
George: Yikes.

Narrator: And so lunch continued with both Bluth boys trying to prove they weren't interested in the women they were interested in.

Narrator: [Michael and Buster are putting on biking gear] Michael decides to fill the void left by his son with his brother.
Michael: You know, I'm in pretty good shape. You could be eating my dust out there!
Narrator: And Buster was giving as good as he received.
Buster: Yeah, and you could be
[loooooong expletive]
Buster: that's gonna
[looooong expletive]
Buster: !
Michael: [stunned] Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Buster: My army training is telling me that this is a hot mission.
Michael: Hot mission! We're on a hot mission!
Buster: Maybe we should call it "Operation: Hot Mother."
Michael: No, no, let's try to top that.
Narrator: They never did, and later, Operation: Hot Mother was under way.

Andy: Yeah, this place looks neat as a pin.
Opie: Sure does, Pa.
Andy: Makes you feel good, don't it? Kind of a warm feelin' right in the middle of your stomach, lightness around your heart, your head two or three feet above your shoulders. You know why you're feelin' that way, don't you, boy?
Opie: 'Cause I'm pooped.

Michael: You know, GOB, you might want to start acting like the President. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: Yeah, like the CEO has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator: In fact, GOB *had* started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: [in the break room] The worst that could happen is that I could spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit. Come on.
[in the elevator]
Gob: Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. Come on.
[in the bathroom]
Gob: Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. Come on.

Jessie: [to George Michael] Daddy lost his shot at happy, and it's all your fault, Opie.
Narrator: Jessie had gone too far, and she had best watch her mouth.

Steve: We're finally getting out of this turkey town, and now you wanna crawl back into your cell, right? You wanna end up like John? You just can't stay seventeen forever.

The: You're dreaming about a girl you've never met?
Richie: Come on, Fonz, haven't you ever dreamed?
The: Hey I'm not the dreamer! I'm the dreamee!

Opie: [about Jeff Pruitt] Guess what I saw him doin'?
Andy: What?
Opie: Standin' on the corner, pickin' up girls.
Andy: What do you know about pickin' up girls?
Opie: Gosh, Pa, what's there to know. Whenever a girl walks by, he just picks her up and then sets her down and says, "'Scuse me, ma'am. Just checkin' your weight."

Richie: [Richie tells his parents and Joanie that he's moving his family to California] Everything you said made a lot of sense... it was good advice. But I talked it over with Lori Beth, and we've decided that we have to give this a chance.
[pause]
Richie: Look, when we get to California, I might have to get an odd job or something. But this is what I really, really want to do.
[pause]
Richie: Now the only regret I have is that I have to say goodbye.
Howard: [standing up, addressing Marion] Give me that famous, pre-signed checkbook of yours, will ya?
[Marion hands it to him]
Richie: Dad, Dad... now wait... wait a minute... I really don't want to take any of your money.
Howard: Richard, you remember before when I was telling you about the sacrifices I made for my family? Well, for a little while, I forgot why. But it's because I wanted my children to go as far as their gifts could take them.
[hands him a blank check]
Howard: Now you take this and you fill in whatever amount you think you need.
Marion: [stands up] You know something? I don't know when I've been so proud of both of you. And now you're gonna leave just when I'm getting used to your moustache! It's gonna look very nice... on a screenwriter.
Richie: [gratefully] Thanks, Mom.

Goober: So you're going to be a real musician, huh ope?
Opie: Well, I don't know.
Goober: When you get to be like one of them Beagles you still gonna speak to me?
Opie: Beatles, Goob.
Goober: Well, just remember, when you get all your clothes monogrammed and a limousine with a bathtub in it don't forget us simple folk here in Mayberry.
Opie: Gee Goob, I don't mean to be disrespectful or anything but I never made fun of your career at the gas station. I just wish you wouldn't joke about mine!

Narrator: And Nellie had a list of "won'ts".
Nellie: Please refrain from any
[bleep]
Nellie: or
[bleep]
Nellie: -ing or
[bleep]
Nellie: -isting or
[bleep]
Nellie: -ing or finger
[bleep]
Nellie: or
[bleep]
Nellie: or even
[bleep]
Nellie: . And please use a
[bleep]
Nellie: when you
[bleep]
Nellie: me. And if any of this winds up on the internet, I will
[bleep]
Nellie: you in the
[bleep]
Nellie: .
Tom: Our computers don't work on the internet.

Narrator: Michael had asked Lindsay to do the housework, and to his surprise, she was sort of doing it.
Lindsay: Hey, I found that canned ham that we've had forever, and I put it in a pot of boiling hot water, and guess what we're having?
Michael: Soup?
Lindsay: Hot ham water.

Andy: Why were you late, Opie?
Opie: Well, I walked all the way home from Maple street.
Andy: Why didn't you ride your bicycle?
Opie: 'Cause I was carrying it.
Andy: Why were you carrying it?
Opie: I didn't want to leave it at the tree.
Andy: What tree?
Opie: The tree I hit.

Narrator: Then, Tobias, mistaking a group of garishly-clad men for pirates, boarded a van filled with homosexuals.

Andy: Ope, uh, when you get together with your friends, uh, do you ever talk about girls?
Opie: What for?

Andy: 'Bout ready for bed?
Opie: Yeah, Pa.
Andy: Brush your teeth?
Opie: Just feel how wet the toothbrush is.
Andy: I want to tell you a little story. One time a long time ago, there was this little fella and he never brushed his teeth. Now you may not believe this, but all he'd do is wet his toothbrush. To him it was a right funny joke. Every time he thought about it, he smiled. And then one day, he quit smiling. Never smiled again the rest of his days.
Opie: Why didn't he smile any more?
Andy: He was too embarrassed. He didn't have any teeth.
[Opie turns to go back to the bathroom]
Andy: Where you goin'?
Opie: Guess I'll go brush my teeth again.

Opie: Now Gomer, you get yourself back in that closet, or you get outta town!

[repeated line]
Richie: Sit on it!

Andy: [Opie has just explained that he's afraid Andy might not love him any more, with Peggy in the picture] I want to tell you something, Ope, and I want you to listen REAL careful, cause this is important. You're my young 'un, and I love you more than anything or anybody in the whole world, and nothing or nobody can ever change that. You know, it's... it's hard for me to tell you just how much you do mean to me, cause you're a part of me.
Opie: Then why do you want Peggy around so much?
Andy: Well, because she's... she's fun to be with, and she's nice to have for a friend.
Opie: But you've got a good friend, you've got Barney.
Andy: Well, that's... that's a little different. Well, you may not understand this right now, but sometime you will. You see, Ope, a... a... a man needs the companionship of a... a fine young woman. Somebody he can, he can be with, and talk to, talk about pretty things, you know, take places, to a picture show, and to a dance, and... now can you see me taking Barney to the dance?
[They both laugh]
Andy: I can't take Barney to a dance--he's too short.

Steve: I thought, maybe before I leave, we could agree that... that seeing other people while I'm away can't possibly hurt, you know.
Laurie: You mean dating other people?
Steve: I think it would strengthen our relationship. Then we'd know for sure that we're really in love. Not that there's any doubt.

Opie: Watch out for the Red Baron.

Barney: [advising Opie as he waits for his girl] This time when she comes by, you step right out and you say to her "Well, here I am, you lucky girl! You play your cards right, maybe I'll let you walk with me."
Opie: But, she...
Barney: Go on, you try that! Now, it never misses. Is she comin'?
[Opie looks around the corner and nods]
Barney: [softly] Go on. Try it. Go on.
Opie: [off camera] You're lucky. You play your cards right and you get to walk with me.
Thelma: [off camera] Well, I'll take you up on that.
Opie: Thanks, Barney.
Thelma: Hi, Barney. I was just on my way to pick you up for our soda.
Opie: Wanna come along, too, Barney?
Barney: [chagrinned] No, thanks.

Barney: [as his passengers sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"] Wait a minute! Hold it, everybody! Listen!
[everyone quiets down and bumping sounds are heard]
Andy: Just bumps on the road.
Thelma: What it sounds like to me.
Gomer: It's just bumps on the road.
Aunt: That's what it sounds like to me.
Opie: Me, too.

[Arnold has just been taken by his father to the woodshed against his will crying and screaming "I want my bike!"]
Opie: Is Arnie going to get spanked, Pa?
Sheriff: Don't you think he deserves it?
Opie: I don't want to say. After all, he is one of my own kind.

Richie: So how did you do on that social studies test?
Potsie: I missed that question on Alaska. I hear they want to make it a state now.
Richie: That'll never happen.

Gob: Hey, the Cornballer. Thought these things were only legal in Mexico.
Narrator: In fact, the Cornballer wasn't legal anywhere, but George Sr. continued to market it in Mexico, anyways.

Adelaide: Oh Adelaide how could you do this again?
Narrator: It wasnt' the first time.
Adelaide: [flashback] Faker!
[she slaps the coma victim]
Adelaide: [flashback] Faker!
[she slaps the coma victim]
Adelaide: Oh Gary, if you love me, you'll take that first step.
[he does, she slaps him and he falls to the floor]
Adelaide: Faker!
Narrator: She was wrong on that one. It really was love that made Gary take that first step.

Opie: What's a soliloquy?
Andy: Well a soliloquy is where you kind of look away off and kinda talk to yourself.
Opie: Oh.
Andy: They used to do that a whole lot back then. You do it today and somebody will take you away.

Opie: You a desperate hunter, Miss Ellie?
Ellie: Not really.
Opie: 'Cause I know where you can get yourself a possum.

Opie: I told Mr. McBeevee I'd be right back.
Andy: Who?
Opie: Mr. McBeevee. You don't know him. He's new around here. I just met him this mornin'.
Andy: Oh.
Barney: Oh, a newcomer in town, eh? Where's he live at?
Opie: I met him in the woods.
Barney: What's he doin' in the woods?
Opie: Well, mostly he walks around up in the treetops.
Barney: He walks in the tree...
Barney: [getting wise] Mm-hm. I supposed he's invisible, too.
Opie: No. Mr. McBeevee's easy to see, especially his hat. He wears a great, big, shiny silver hat.

Narrator: [after an old woman makes a racist comment] OK, we'll just tell you right now - she's the one who dies.

Lucille: We had a fight. Who knows about what?
Narrator: I do.

Narrator: GOB had never made eye contact with his customer, that is, until this happened.
Lucille: I'll have the lobster tail.
George: And then maybe you could save a little tail for me.
[GOB realizes it's Lucille]
George: Oh COME ON!
Lucille: Ahhhhhhh!

Opie: Sure would be nice to have a ma that owns a drugstore with a soda fountain.

Narrator: As it turns out, she HAD gotten up early and had taken pain medication because of a hangover-related headache. However, she mistook the "drowsy eye" alcohol warning for a "winking eye" alcohol suggestion. Fortunately, she had the good sense not to drive herself to the meeting.
Lucille: No. I'll call for a car.
Narrator: [the car is crashed into the wall of the parking garage] Unfortunately, this was after a failed attempt to do so.

George Sr.: [while Michael and GOB are teaching his father an elaborate lesson] Please don't hurt me!
Narrator: But the mistreated painters were actually looking forward to that part.

Opie: Don't you believe me, Pa? Don't you, Pa?

[Opie's about to trade licorice seeds, which he knows are a sham, to a classmate for roller skates]
Andy: Uh, you know that, uh, that you've been taught the golden rule, "Do unto others as you would have 'em do unto you?"
Opie: Yes, Pa.
Andy: Huh. You think you've been followin' that rule?
Opie: Sure. Tommy did it unto me, and now I'm doin' it unto Jerry.

[we've been introduced to the rest of the Bluth family]
Narrator: So, why is Michael so happy? Because he's decided to never speak to these people again.

Opie: As long as she's gonna spend so much time with us, I figure we better teach her how to handle worms without going "ick."

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development: The Alliance decides to let Gob back in.
Rollo: [at the Magicians' Alliance office] Tell me, how did you get two Alliance-approved assistants with such short notice?
Gob: Oh, that was just my girlfriend and my nephew.
Rollo: [quickly conferring with other Alliance members] Well, you're out.

Andy: They fired the gun, and the shot was so loud it was heard clear around the world.
Barney: Oh, get out.
Andy: It's a fact. That's the way this country started. You read the book.
Barney: What book?
Opie: Yeah, what book? Where'd you get that story, Pa?
Andy: Oh, your history book.

Opie: Pa?
Andy: Mm-hm?
Opie: Just what CAN you do with a grown woman?

George Bluth Sr.: I certainly didn't teach Buster how to compete, and look at how he turned out!
Byron: I think Mother is raising me just fine.
George Bluth Sr.: I used my contacts to get you a job and you quit!
Narrator: The job was at an Iraqi-owned toy store who wanted to use Buster to deter shoplifters.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay finds herself strangely compelled to be with Tobias...
Lindsay: Oh my god, I'm sorry, I walked into the wrong trailer!
Dave: Wow, the service sent you over quick.
Narrator: ...But not the one she's married to.
Lindsay: [he quickly disrobes] You don't cry when you take those off?
Narrator: Having finally had sex, GOB can admit that he never consummated his marriage.
George: Your Honor, we never consummated this marriage.
Wife: Judge, maybe you should take a look at this, which was taken in your office just moments ago.
[She hands the judge a picture, and GOB is seen shirtless with the shirt over his head]
Narrator: Then GOB catches a lucky break.
Judge: There's no way to tell who this man is.
Narrator: But it doesn't last long.
George: Oh that's me, your honor, I fucked my wife.
Barry: Oh, we've really lost this case.
Narrator: And Maeby impresses some kids at the Promise Land with her one scary campfire story.
Mae: Knock, scrape. The only thing more terrifying than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call!
[Buster enters the clearing while holding up his hook]
Buster: Hey, campers.
[the kids all scream and run away]
Buster: I'm a monster!
Michael: This may have been a step backward.

Andy: Yeah, Barney went to the military surplus auction in Mt. Pilot again.
Opie: Gee, I hope he brings back something interesting.
Andy: Bite your tongue!

Andy: You know Jonah? He caught hisself a whale.
Opie: I thought the whale swallowed him.
Andy: Well now, that's what I mean. When somebody catches a fish from the inside, *that's fishin'*.

Narrator: Gob was planning his escape from prison.
Gob: [peering into the cell block] Is there a private bathroom nearby?
George Sr.: [addresses the cell latrine] You're looking at it.
Gob: No, no, no. I can't use that. I need privacy. Yeah, I've always been that way. I can't go without privacy.
[sees that his dad is serious]
Gob: No, I can't pass this key without privacy!
George Sr.: Well, I could ask the guys to leave, but, uh, you know they've been locking the doors lately.
[goes back to reading]
Gob: [defeated] I've made a huge mistake.

Steve: Where are you going? It's awfully early in the morning.
Curt: [pause] I have a dentist appointment.

Opie: But ya see, Pa, it's permanent - that way no one can steal our number and put it on another house!
Andy: I don't recall us havin' a number thief around for a LONG time!

Opie: How old's Aunt Bee?
Andy: You know, I'm not rightly sure.
Opie: I'll ask her.
Andy: Whoa, I wou... I wouldn't do that. See, Aunt Bee, she ain't too sure about it either.
Opie: She don't know how old she is?
Andy: Nothin' so surprisin' about that. It's easy for her to forget.
Opie: Don't she even know the day she was born on?
Andy: She knows the day all right, it's the year she's a little fuzzy on.

Narrator: Michael and his son had never made a good athletic team. The only thing that George Michael was good at was hanging motion-less from the monkey bars, which the President's Council On Fitness ranks as "slightly easier than the slide".

Opie: Who are they? Friends of Pa's?
Deputy: No, they're just waiting.
Opie: What for?
Deputy: Don't ask me what for. I just run the waiting room, that's all.

Michael: [Michael and GOB are trying to break into the prison] If only we had a map.
Gob: [rips off his shirt revealing a map] Like this? I drew it upside down.
Michael: This is going to be awkward.
Narrator: It was awkward.
Prison: [Michael is awkwardly positioned over GOB] Hey guys, if you want to party, maybe you should take it inside?
Gob: That was a freebie.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, George Sr. almost comes face-to-face with the real mole.
[while sneaking through a crawlspace, George spots a mole and runs off screaming]
Narrator: No, not that one.
[the camera pans to the right]
Narrator: Wait for it.
[We see Annyong]
Narrator: There.
Annyong: Annyong.

Gob: [watching footage of George Michael's "Star Wars Kid"] This has got to be the lamest thing ever put on tape.
Narrator: Not true. Buster had once filmed himself re-creating scenes from his then favorite film Chicago. He also liked Star Wars.

[Fonzie and Pinky have had a fight and are sitting at the dinner table]
Richie: Dad, uh, can you come upstairs with me for a minute?
Howard: I haven't finished my dessert yet.
Richie: Well, you can finish it upstairs, Dad.
Howard: What are you doing?
Richie: Well, we have to talk.
Howard: Talk about what?
Richie: I... I don't know... the birds and bees.
Howard: Oh, Richard, we already had that talk.
Richie: [refers to the table] Yeah, and you didn't learn much.

George: I just came to talk to you about the softball game. We need some girls on the team.
Michael: It's a league requirement.
Narrator: One that was difficult to keep, given GOB's behavior in the third inning of last year's game.
[GOB is running behind one of the female players, slapping her on the behind]
Narrator: And in the fifth.
[One of the female players falls down and GOB lays on top of her]
Narrator: Oh, and before the game.
[GOB pours water over the female players]
Michael: We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.

Barry: Those are the pictures?
Wayne: They're all over the news.
Barry: Those are balls.
Wayne: What?
Narrator: Barry was right. Tobias had inadvertently photographed himself while learning how to use his new camera phone.
Barry: This close, they always look like landscape. But nope, you're looking at balls.

Sheriff: I'm talkin' about the the Underprivileged Children's Drive.
Opie: Oh. They collected for that at school, Pa.
Sheriff: Oh, I know they did. Oh, I know they did. And when they called your name, you gave the large, generous amount of three cents. My, that is big of you, Diamond Jim.
Opie: Did I give 'em too much, Pa?
Sheriff: Too much?
Opie: I could ask 'em to give back two cents.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, George-Michael experiences his unhappiest moment ever.
George: Where's Maebe?
Tobias: She's in the next cell. Looks like we're going to be spending the night, cos!
[a giant green X appears on George-Michael]

Opie: Pa, I don't wanna haircut. Those little hairs get down inside my shirt and they itch.
Sheriff: Take a bath and wash 'em off.
Opie: A bath! I have to take a bath, too?
Sheriff: That's right.
Opie: This is turnin' out worse than I thought.

Andy: You got to learn how to take disappointment. There could be more of 'em comin' up, you know. You come up smilin', you're a good loser. The other way's bein' a bad loser. Now what do you wanna be?
Opie: A good winner.

Opie: Pa, what kind of bait are you puttin' on my line?
Sheriff: Why, that's fish-catchin' bait. That's the idea, you know, to catch fish.
Opie: That looks more like a piece of ham from our lunch.
Sheriff: Is that right? Well, now, that's probably 'cause it's a piece of ham from our lunch.
Opie: Pa, you're s'posed to use fish bait.
Sheriff: Well, now, son, all them fish ever see down there all day long's other fish, and they get mighty sick of it, too. Now-now, don't it just stand to reason that they might just perk up at the sight of a piece of meat?

Narrator: As Michael was becoming more selfish, his father was choosing a more pious path - which made Buster and Lucille's visit go much differently than planned.
Lucille: Why is there a piece of shoe on your head?
George Sr.: This is a - well, it's a reminder that the divine presence is always above me.

Opie: Go on, pa. You gotta fall down and die.
Sheriff: Well, I'll tell you the truth, son. I just got other things to do. I'm just too blame busy to die right now.
Opie: Aw, shucks.
Sheriff: I'll die a little later on if I get the chance, though.

George: It will just escalate like this back and fourth all day.
Narrator: And it did just that. But the footage it produced was less compelling than you might think, and was not funny no matter what music was put behind it. It was kind of funny to "Yellow Submarine" but who could afford it?

Narrator: Lindsay was nervous, so she went to take a shower to relax.
Customer: [a family of four is touring the house and sees Lindsay naked] Come on kids, let's go get some cookies!
Narrator: The kids were in for some bad news too.

Opie: You like Pa?
Peggy: Sure I do.
Opie: D'you love him?
Peggy: Well...
Andy: Uh, Ope...
Opie: See, Pa needs the companionship of a fine, young woman, someone he can take to a dance. He can't take Barney to a dance.
Peggy: He can't?
Opie: No. Barney's too short.
Peggy: Oh. I see.
Opie: You see, Miss Peggy, someday Pa might get married again, and it'd be somebody that he likes a lot - somebody he loves - and it might be you. Of course, it might be you and it might not, but...
Andy: Yep, what we needs a little bit of music. A little music is exactly what we need.
Andy: [singing as Opie continues talking] Yes, git on home, Cindy, Cindy, git on home. Yes, git on home, Cindy, Cindy - and Opie, hush your mouth.

Narrator: In an effort to "hip" up his act, Gob had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool
[bleep]
Gob: . Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar.
[the puppet 'kisses' Lucille]
George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard.
[strangles Franklin]
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob: [in the present] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: Gob, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act?
Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

Narrator: [after Tobias's gym buddy reveals he is a government agent] He said "CIA", a government agency responsible for this catstrophe
[shows a "Bay Of Pigs" map]
Narrator: . But what Tobias thought the man said was "CAA", a talent agency responsible for this catastrophe.
[shows the poster for "Love, Indubitably"]

Sheldon: You know what I'll do to you if you tell anyone.
Opie: Uh huh. You'll pulverize me, then you'll knock my block off, then you'll give me the old one-two, then you'll jump on me.

Andy: The last thing that I'd wanna do is to force you to do somethin' that I said I wouldn't force you to do. Although, I really would appreciate it if you went.
Opie: You mean you're forcing me?
Andy: I wish you wouldn't say that. It's just that I'm asking you to consider it.
Opie: Okay.
Andy: You'll go?
Opie: No. I'll consider it like you said.
Andy: Well?
Opie: I ain't goin'.

Narrator: GOB had just opened up a new banana stand like 20 feet from the old banana stand.
Michael: Oh yeah? Me and my banana stand are going to kick your banana stands ass!
George: It's just going to to back and fourth all day.
Narrator: And it did just that.
[shows a series of photos showing what happened]
Narrator: But the footage it produced was less entertaining than you might imagine, no matter what music was put behind it. It was kind of funny to "Yellow Submarine", but who could afford it?

Opie: They don't give you no medal for tryin'.
Andy: I know that. I know they don't - and it's nice to win something. It's real nice to win something, but it's more important to know how NOT to win something.
Opie: I know how to do that real good.
Andy: No, you don't.
Opie: You mean there's more things I coulda not won?
Andy: I mean, you coulda been a nice loser. They call it sportsmanship.

Narrator: ...And Michael was forced to, once again, call in the counsel of Barry Zuckercorn.
George Bluth Sr.: Thank you for coming down on Christmas Eve.
Barry: Oh, it's like any other day, except that I bill double.

Ron: We'll stick ya someplace.

Narrator: Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own words, to see what Michael was referring to...
Tobias: [on tape] ... even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up.
Tobias: Nothing wrong with that.
Tobias: [on tape] Oh, I've been in the film business for a while, but I just can't seem to get one in the can.
Tobias: It's out of context.
Tobias: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.
Narrator: ...and he realized there is something distinct about the way he speaks.
Tobias: Tobias, you blowhard.
[chuckles]

Narrator: George Michael was interested in the subject of marital love because earlier that day, he discovered that the recent mock wedding he had acted in with his cousin was in fact as real and binding as the rice pudding the disoriented patients had thrown at them.

Andy: [Opie tries a bite of Andy's cooking] How is it?
Opie: Fine... What is it?

[in his last demonstration, Barney lifts Opie right up to the speaker]
Opie: [whispering] All right, Lefty, me and you's bustin' out tonight.
Barney: [shouting] You hear that, Anj?
Andy: [grinning ear to ear] Perfect! I heard every word. Now, if we can get one prisoner to hold the other'n up like that, we can hear every word they say.

Narrator: Michael Bluth was taking his son to an interview at the prestigious Milford Academy, an institution once famous for its credo that children should be "neither seen nor heard".

Opie: [as Dan ceases to be fascinating] You wouldn't shoot my pa!

Barney: I think it's only fair to warn you that if you keep on gettin' into trouble and breakin' the law, it can only lead to one thing, incarceration. Now I know none of you likes the idea of being incarcerated. The idea does scare you a little bit, doesn't it?
Opie: Yeah, and we don't even know what it means.

[Michael discovers Gob is now president of the Bluth Company]
Michael: How much damage could he possibly cause?
Narrator: In just three hours, Gob had caused $45,000 worth of damage.
[we see Gob playing pool in Michael's office. he pulls back his cue and hits the wall]
George: Hit there.
[his assistant makes a hole in the wall with a sledgehammer]

Henry: Man needs someone to cake care of, and somebody to take care of him.
Opie: Well, if that's all you want, Mr. Wheeler, why don't you buy a dog?

Opie: Abyssinia
Andy: Samoa

Opie: A haircut and a bath in one day. Pa, what am I bein' punished for?

Narrator: As Lupe was feeling sorry for Buster's loss of a hand, Lindsay was feeling sorry for her loss of Lupe.

Andy: Now, I'm not goin' to give you and Billy any more nickels for playin' nice, you hear?
Opie: Really, Pa? We'll give back the nickels you already gave us.
Andy: No, no. You-you-you just keep them. That's a mighty cheep price for learnin' that what looks like rasslin' to one is dancin' to another.
Opie: You want Billy and me to dance, Pa?

[Kim Basinger is working out, Homer is coaching her]
Homer: And stretch. And strain. And hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. Jerk that lower back.
Kim: I'm getting some shooting pains in my neck...
Homer: That's right, force it. Whip that neck.
[Alec Baldwin enters the room]
Alec: Does anybody know where this came from?
Homer: Oh, there's that script I wrote. Where did you find it?
Alec: It was on my pillow.
Homer: The important thing is, it has the perfect part for you. For either of you. It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct.
Ron: No, I'm not.
Homer: Well, he expressed an interest.
Ron: No, I didn't.
Homer: Did too.

Opie: But if I don't drink milk, I'll get soft bones.

Michael: We dont want to relive the TBA debacle.
Narrator: Years earlier, the Bluth's held their first fundraiser, but the family had a hard time agreeing on a cause.
George Sr.: [reading the slips] "Neckflap". "Ovarian Cancer". Gee, I wonder who that was? "Shrinkage". Somebody saw Seinfeld last night! Another one for "Neckflap".
Narrator: So they sent out invitations with the disease still to be announced. To their surprise, the Bluth's wound up raising over $25,000 dollars for TBA. Then, and here's the really horrible part, they did it again the following year.
Gob: [footage of George Michael's Star Wars Kid] Keep fighting, little guy! Soon, we'll rid the world of T.B.A.!
Michael: When they found out, we almost had a riot on our hands.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Buster signs Steve Holt up for the Army.
George: No, you can't, you can't! I'm finally ready to be a father to you. I know that now.
Steve: I don't go in for another two years.
George: Well, as your father, can I sign something?
[a giant green "X" appears on GOB]
Narrator: And George Sr. finds out that a fake Popemobile... cant stop real bullets.

Narrator: George Michael should have realized by the sailor suits Lucille dressed him in that he was not going north to the Promised Land. No, he was going south. South, to Motherboy.

Michael: You guys are identical twins?
Donnie: Identical quintuplets.
Narrator: There was Andy, the show off, Jared the flirt, Donny the sensitive one, Rocky, Andy's stunt double, and then there was Emmitt, who asked that we not show his face, although composite photography tells us that he might look something like this.

Andy: Goodbye, goodbye. Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I would say goodbye till it be morrow.
Opie: What's THAT mean?
Andy: Well, that means I'd love to set and jaw with ya awhile longer, but I got to be a-movin' on.

Andy: Where'd you get the dog?
Opie: He followed me, Pa. Followed me everywhere I went.
Andy: He did? What you doin' with a rope on him?
Opie: Well, that helped him follow me.

Narrator: Michael was upset to learn that a housing order his family was counting on was cut back.
Michael: [on the phone] But that does not give us enough capital to complete the job! We even had the blueprints drawn up and everything!
Narrator: Well... that part was not true, but they would have!

George Sr.: What do I care? I've got a great wife, a wonderful hobby... I'm having the time of my life!
Narrator: His hobby was making papier mache copies of his own head.

[hearing that a friend gets 75¢ without doing chores, Opie asks what the rules are between fathers and sons]
Andy: There are no rules for pas and sons. Uh, it's as simple as this: each, uh, each mother or father raises his boy or girl, as the case may be, the way that, uh, he thinks is best - and I think it's best for you to get a quarter and work for it. Ya see, when you give somethin' - in this instance, cleaning the garage - and you get something in return - like a quarter - why that's the greatest feeling in the world. You do feel good after working, don't you?
Opie: Uh-huh. Good and tired.
Andy: Well, as, uh, as you get bigger, why, you'll be doing more and more work for more and more return and that good feeling will get bigger. D'understand what I mean?
Opie: I think so.
Andy: Good.
Opie: I'm not gonna get the 75¢.
Andy: Right.
Opie: And I have to work for the 25.
Andy: Right. All clear to you?
Opie: Yeah. The bigger you get, the tired-er you get.
Andy: Well, uh, you just... you just think about that for a while.
Opie: Do I have to?
Andy: Don't you want to think about it?
Opie: It makes me kinda sad.

Opie: Can I go with you, Aunt Bee? Can I go?
Aunt: Oh, I'd love to take you, Opie, but what about school?
Opie: Oh, I could be sick for 10 days.

Andy: Uh, don't you... don't you wanna hear that story, Opie?
Opie: Not 'specially, Pa.
Andy: Well, is there, uh, is there another one that you 'druther hear?
Opie: Yeah.
Andy: Which one?
Opie: Do you know the one about the Kansas City Million Dollar Heist or The Toledo Payroll Caper?

Opie: [entering the courthouse] Hi. You seen my pa? He's the sheriff.
Bobby: You mean he's human enough to have kids?
Opie: Huh?
Bobby: Never mind. He stepped out for a minute.
Opie: Oh.
Opie: [looking at all the fellas] Pa musta rounded up a gang. You look like from the city. Are you a criminal?
Bobby: According to your pa I am.
Opie: Pa's never wrong. What crime did you do, criminal?
Bobby: I didn't do anything. Your old man framed the whole thing - the hick troublemaker.
[Offended at this, Opie kicks Bobby in the shin]

Narrator: Soon, George Michael went to Ann's to try to win her back. But her Uncle Paul told him that Ann had moved in with her boyfriend. He also mentioned that we all only had three more weeks on earth, and that fossils were just something the Jews buried in 1924.

Lucille: Your sister and I tried to get into that new restaurant, Rud, and they wouldn't let us in.
[Flashback]
Maitre'D: Mrs. Bluth, there's absolutely no room.
Lindsay: Come on. I've suddenly lost my appetite.
Lucille: Oh, who's going to believe that?
Narrator: With her blood sugar at a perilous low, Lucille made Lindsay pull into the nearest restaurant.
Waitress: Welcome to Klimpy's! Anywhere you like!
Lucille: [to Lindsay] This does not bode well.
[after they're seated, to waitress]
Lucille: I'll have the Ike and Tina Tuna.
Waitress: Plate or platter?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.
Waitress: And what would you like?
Lindsay: I want my old life back.

Rita: And they think the stupidest things are funny.
Michael: Yeah, that's a cultural problem is what it is. You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development.
Narrator: Hey. That's the name of the show.

Lucille: You know I always get this way around Motherboy.
Michael: Oh, God, it's Motherboy time already?
Lucille: Normally, I'd go with Buster but he doesnt want to go. But with you, I think I've got a shot.
Michael: Buster for the first time ever, doesnt want to do this?
Narrator: [voice over] Motherboy was the name of an annual dance promoting mother-son bonding. Lucille has gone with Buster over 30 times, and on many occasions, won cutest couple. But as one entered sexual maturity and the other one left it, it became increasingly difficult.
Lucille: [Buster and Lucille are getting their picture taken] I'm so hot.
Buster: If you were hot, mother, we would win!

Opie: A penny hit by lightnin's worth six cents.
Andy: Who told you that?
Opie: Nat Pike told me.
Aunt: Oh, Nat Pike is always telling Opie the craziest things.
Andy: And you believe him?
Opie: Sure!
Aunt: Well, I wouldn't put much stock in what Nat Pike tells you.
Opie: Why not?
Aunt: Well for one thing, he's only four years old.
Opie: He may be young, but he's been around plenty.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Michael finds having his mother on the board problematic.
Lucille: Oh, I remember a certain young man who said "But I don't have scary dreams in your bed!"
[the board room starts laughing]
Michael: That was Buster!

Michael: Are you just trying to get us at each other's throats like you did with the Boyfights videos?
Mexican: Boyfights! Luchos de muchachos!
Mexican: Si! Luchos de muchachos!
Mexican: I have this video!
Narrator: Boyfights were a big hit in Latin America.

The: [Marion has just told off the Fonz and stormed out of the room] I'm gonna hit her.
Howard: No, you're not gonna hit my wife.
The: Then I'll hit you!
Howard: You're not gonna hit my son.
The: Then I'll hit you!
Richie: You're not gonna hit my father either.
The: Well I gotta hit somebody. You know where Potsie is?

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias finally gets a call from the Blue Man Group with a life-changing opportunity. But he cant hear, and his life stays the same.

Aunt: And as for you, young man, the next time you take a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to your room and you don't finish it, would you mind having the decency to put it on the night table instead of under your pillow?
Opie: Oh, so that's where it went.

[Michael has a long, boring talk with Nellie]
Narrator: Yeah. While that's going on, let's see what's happening with the rest of the family.
[We see George-Michael doing his homework]
Narrator: Nothing there.
[We see George Sr. clipping his toenails]
Narrator: Or there.
[We see Buster in the hospital faking a coma. Adelaide crawls into bed with him]
Narrator: Oh my! Let's go back to Michael.

Andy: Even the ten-year-old boy can tell that.
Opie: Twelve.
Andy: Hush.

Tobias: Can I interest you in a smoothie or an amal... Michael!
Michael: Tobias! I thought you were in Vegas with Kitty and the Blue Man Group.
Tobias: Sadly, it turns out that the part I had destroyed my life to get had already been cast.
Narrator: The role was filled by George Sr. who used it to hide in plain sight. That is, until he choked on a marshmallow and almost died when nobody noticed that he had turned blue.

Opie: [in describing Mr. McBeevee] The only thing is, when he walks he sort of jingles.
Barney: He jingles?
Opie: Just like he had rings on his fingers and bells on his toes.
Barney: [clearing throat] Well, course, uh, he don't REALLY have rings on his fingers and bells on his toes, now does he, Ope?
Opie: No. Just sounds that way.
Barney: [relieved] That's right.
Opie: The jinglin' is really from all the things hangin' on his belt.
Barney: What things?
Opie: His hands. His twelve extra hands.
Barney: He has twelve... extra hands and they... jingle.
Opie: And he can make smoke come out of his ears.

Sheriff: [Andy is trying to explain to Opie why it's sometimes okay to break a rule or promise] Well, uh, uh, um now, let me see... uh... suppose, uh... Suppose, suppose there was a little lake, and there was a sign on it saying no swimming allowed. Now that's a law, and a law is pretty much the same thing as a rule, ain't that right? Well now, uh, suppose, suppose there was a little boy and he broke that law, and went swimming anyway and started to drown. Now suppose there was a fellow standing there watching. Now, should he obey the law and let that little boy drown, or should he break the law and save the little boy?
Opie: Well, you couldn't let him drown.
Sheriff: Well, of course not!

[after watching Rita walk across the pool]
Michael: Gob, was that your trick?
Gob: No, Michael, that's not my trick.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development:
Gob: [shouts] It's my illusion.

Opie: I got a feeling if you decide on the foundation, we're not gonna see pumpkin pie again for a long time.

Opie: I'm part peculiar, Pa.
Andy: Yeah. How'd you find THAT out?
Opie: Well, today my teacher, she said to me did I wash my neck this mornin', and I said I did, and she took a look and then she said, "Well, it looks mighty peculiar to me."

Michael: I'll just stay here and read, then.
Narrator: This too proved challenging as the Bluth family had no books.
[Michael opens up a box with copies of "The Man Inside Me"]
Narrator: Except for those. And that's when Michael got a glimpse of the warden's true intentions with his mother.
Michael: [after reading the screenplay] I wish I had read "The Man Inside Me".

Narrator: And Michael went to investigate his mystery sister.
Lucille: Michael! What a surprise!
Michael: Really? Were you expecting someone else? Maybe one of your... two daughters?
Lucille: Oh Lindsay and Tobias never visit.
[laughs]
Lucille: Oh we're so bad.
Michael: I meant Lindsay and Nellie.
Lucille: You call him that too? It's so great to be able to talk like this!

Andy: Some dates last a whole evening and some of 'em get over nice and early, like this one did. You understand that, do ya?
Opie: Uh-huh. You got stood up.
Andy: I did not. How you know about that?
Opie: Matt Merles told me that when you make a date with a girl and she ain't there to meet ya, then you're stood up.
Andy: Well, that certainly didn't happen to me. I went over to Peggy's house and she had something else to do, so I come on home. Now, that don't sound like gettin' stood up, does it?
Opie: Don't sound like a date, either.

Floyd: Well Opie, it was my ancestor, Colonel Caleb Lawson who was in at the very beginning, Ol' Stonewall Lawson. He was the big hero.
Goober: What?
Floyd: That's right. Those are the facts.
Goober: Well it just so happens one of my kinfolk is the hero. Colonel Goober Pyle of the North Carolina 7th cavalry. I never even heard of Colonel Lawson.
Floyd: Never heard of him? Read your history, boy. Why he had the biggest herd of cattle in the settlement. The indians drivin' the herd off started the whole thing.
Opie: Gee, I didn't know that.
Goober: I ain't surprised. Nobody knows that except for Floyd.
Floyd: You lookin' for trouble?
Goober: Before you write all that down, Ope, it happened to be my ancestor who come roarin' outta the stockade and held them bloodthirsty savages off.
Floyd: Opie, you ain't puttin' all that bushwa down?
Goober: Don't you call my relatives bushwa!
Floyd: All I want is this boy to get the truth.
Goober: Then he come to the wrong place.

Opie: Do you want me to say it again, Barney?
Andy: [chuckles] That's all right, Lefty. You can go ahead and bust out and play.

[Gob hosts a video on Graft-Vs-Host disease]
Gob: Graft-Vs-Host. When you hear about it, it sounds like a match up between tennis great Steffi Graf and "Happy Days" star Donny Host.
Narrator: It's MOST.

Richie: I give up, Fonzie! I'm gonna be a monk!
Fonzie: Don't. You won't like their hairstyle.

[Opie's lost a tooth overnight]
Barney: Let's hear you say, "She sells seashells down by the seashore."
Opie: She... she sells seashells... down by the... seashore!
Barney: [chuckles] Hey, that's pretty good!
Opie: If you think that's somethin', you outta hear me sing a song!

[watching a Chicago Bears football game in 1956]
Ralph: That Bears quarterback is no good. He's washed up. He's 30.
Richie: That's ridiculous. George Blanda still has a few more good years left.

Michael: [after finding out that the prison warden plans to sleep with Lucille] Who's the "I" in that sentence?
Lucille: ME!
Michael: You?
Narrator: Her.

Narrator: Michael was enjoying his time with Marta, and Lindsay was bonding with the man in the tree.
Johnny: You have no idea what it's like to save a living thing!
Lindsay: For your information, I do! Tobias and I used to be huge advocates for change. I guess that's why I was so attracted to him. He used to believe in things. We both did.
Johnny: Where is he now?
Lindsay: [sighs] He's at a weekend stage-fighting workshop with Carl Weathers.

Opie: Come on, Pa, get married. Be a good scout.

Michael: Did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay: [under the influence of Teamocil] Oh my god, my foot is bleeding!
Narrator: Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael: Don't forget, we need you on the softball team tomorrow.
Lindsay: Of course, why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael: To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay: Oh yeah. What team are you talking about?
Narrator: It may also cause short-term memory loss.

Warden: [acting friendly] Well, if it isn't "Sincerely Yours.
Narrator: [as Gob is grabbed and pressed against his parents' trailer] And so, Gob was detained against the window of the trailer his parents were becoming intimate in.
Gob: [crying] Oh, God, Mommy, what did you do?

[Last lines]
Ron: I don't see it as a series. Maybe a movie.

Michael: Are you Andy?
Donnie: No, I'm Emmitt.
Narrator: Michael was concerned. I mean think about it, we can't show Emmitt's face without blurring it.

Opie: What are we havin' for supper?
Sheriff: Well, you and Aunt Bee's havin' fried chicken, and I'm havin' crow.

Narrator: And that's when the family realized that George Sr. wasn't dead, but was fleeing the country that he loved so very much.

Opie: It is, too, Joey!
Opie's: It is not. You're crazy!
Opie: I'll betcha! I'll betcha that's Barney! Barney? It is Barney! See Joey! Whatcha' doing Barney? Trick or Treat?
Opie's: You sure do look funny Barney.
Opie: He looks like Ms. Cox in the 2nd grade, don't he?

Opie: What's the matter, Pa?
Andy: The matter is that I got a idea about the idea Jerry got about that cuff link bein' a button off of General George Washington's uniform, and the idea I got is that it's just barely possible that the idea Jerry got coulda come from you. How 'bout it?
Opie: Well...
Andy: Now, come on, tell me the truth. I don't want cha lyin' to me on top of everything else.
Opie: Okay. It's barely possible.

Gob: So get this. I took his dress eyebrows.
Narrator: Sitwell suffered from a disease that rendered him completely hairless.
Michael: He's not gonna be happy about that.
Gob: No, especially when he goes to the opera with two mustaches on his forehead.

Lucille: [to the Hot Cops] Do you boys know how to shovel coal?
Narrator: I don't even want to tell you what these guys thought that meant.

Aunt: I know what you can do.
Opie: What?
Aunt: You can go out and plant 2 whole rows of spinach.
Opie: Spinach?
Aunt: It'll be very educational. You'll see how nature performs her wonders. Why soon you'll set it grow before you very eyes.
Opie: But spinach, couldn't I see something else grow before my very eyes.

Opie: [to Barney] Pa and I went to see a movie. Gregory Peck was in it.
Barney: [mumbling] Swell. swell.
Opie: It sure was swell.
Barney: [turning his face to reveal lipstick marks all over his face from his romantic billing and cooing with Thelma Lou; very annoyed] I HEARD!
Opie: [alarmed] Pa! Pa! Barney's face is bleeding!
Barney: It's NOT blood!

Richie: A shark? That is the *stupidest* thing I have ever heard!
Fonzie: Stupid, yes. Also dumb. But it is something I've gotta do.
Richie: Fonz, you're not jumping over garbage cans on a bike. You're jumping over a shark. On nothing! On a couple of little skis! One little slip and chomp! Chomp! Chomp!
Fonzie: Thanks a lot for your support. Look, I was challenged. I gotta jump.

Opie: You gonna fingerprint me, Barney?
Aunt: Oh, don't joke, honey! He's liable to send you up to state prison.

Opie: Gosh, Pa, did I say the wrong thing?
Andy: No, Ope. You's the only one that said the RIGHT thing.

Aunt: [Opie joins Andy and Aunt Bee on the back porch; he's not wearing a shirt] Opie, where's your shirt?
Opie: Well, gee, it's so hot!
Aunt: Opie, you can't come to breakfast like that, a naked savage!

Michael: We cant take GOB with us.
Narrator: Michael and GOB had been to Mexico before.
Gob: [after a kid offers him some "chicle"] I'm the chicle? You're the chicle!
[proceeds to do his chicken dance]
Narrator: Unfortunately in Mexico, this was considered a much more inflammatory gesture.

Sheriff: Anybody here know why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace. I now pronounce you man...
Opie: I know why they shouldn't be married.
Sheriff: Opie, what're you tryin' to do?
Opie: I'm speakin' now so's I won't have to forever hold my peace.
Deputy: You're not supposed to speak.
Opie: Then why did he ask?

[Fonzie's feet are sore from dancing and needs to be held up]
Fonzie: Aaaay, I'm up and moving!
Richie: You're in La-La land, Fonz.
Fonzie: Let me tell ya, it's a lot of fun in La-La land!

Clara: Now that's the sword that my great grandfather, Colonel Edwards carried all through the battle.
Opie: What did he do in the battle?
Clara: Hasn't anyone told you? He was the commanding officer. And when the other settlers, crazed with hunger and thirst wanted to give up, he led them in a stirring charge that broke the spirit of the indians and brought the final victory.
Opie: Wow!
Clara: Waving his sword in the air, he yelled at his men, "Onward boys! Do you want to live forever?".

Andy: Opie! Time to come in, son.
Opie: Aw Pa, just a little while longer... please?
Andy: Well, OK.
[to Barney]
Andy: Daylight's precious when you're a young'un.

Andy: Opie, I thought you said you was goin' out and play.
Opie: I was, Pa, but can I stay and hear about why Floyd's a miserable, deceitful wretch?

Tobias: And I am off to buy the perfect present for Maebe. Maybe she'd like a suit like this.
Narrator: That is her suit.
Tobias: They probably don't make it in a woman's.
Narrator: They only make it in a woman's.

Tobias: [about George Michael] He's a regular Freddie Wilson, that one.
Michael: I dont get that reference.
Lindsay: I dont either.
Tobias: I dont either.
Narrator: [shows a photo of a Village People group with the photo circled around the police officer] It's this guy.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Mock Trial With J. Reinhold spawns imitators.
Gob: All rise, Bud Cort is now in session!
Bud: Please be seated.
Gob: [as Franklin] Hard to be seated when you got someone's hand up your ass!
Bud: Can we lose the puppet?
Narrator: And Michael discovers that he wasn't N. Bluth after all.
Michael: [looking at old family photos] I have an older sister?
Narrator: So much for not abandoning family.

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Church And State Fair, Maeby was signing up for the inner beauty pagaent.
George: So why are you doing this, Maeby?
Mae: It's Shirley. I'm just here to show that all these pagaents care about is looks.
George: What's with your nose?
Mae: Isn't it cool? It's the same one Nicole Kidman wore in "The Hours".
Narrator: It had been purchased for her by Jamie Kennedy who was hoping to land a part in Maeby's film.
Jamie: Ten thousand dollars!
Mae: You're such a dear, but I'm not putting you in my remake.
[a giant green "X" appears on Jamie Kennedy]

Opie: I'm a-drawin' on you, Sheriff. Draw.
Sheriff: Aw, why don't you turn yourself in peaceful-like, son? You'll get a fair trial.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lucille finds a housekeeper she wont lose her son to.
Lucille: Yoo hoo! I'll take you the rest of the way!
Tobias: [as Mrs. Featherbottom, he and Buster are both crying] You should always keep from crying...

Richie: [an angry Richie has been drinking heavily at a local bar... Fonzie is trying to take him home] I would REALLY like to be alone right now.
Arthur: No you don't.
Richie: Let's get something straight right now, all right? The days when The Fonz can come riding in and solve all my problems with a few choice words are long gone! So why don't you leave-a-mundo?
Arthur: You're absolutely right. This is not a frosh mixer. I can't fix you up with a date, but you are my friend, we can talk about it and I haven't said 'a-mundo' in an awful long time!
[Richie turns away]
Arthur: Fine... you don't wanna say anything, we won't talk. Then we'll go home. You know why? 'Cause there's a lotta people worried about you.
Richie: [angry] I'll leave when I damn well feel like leaving!
Arthur: Good plan... good plan.
[gets up]
Arthur: Except something in my soul tells me that you want to leave
[yanks chair out from under Richie's feet]
Arthur: right now. So Richie, put the beer down and let's go home, OK?
[Richie stands up and punches Fonzie in the face]
Arthur: So we got that out of our systems, right? Come on, Richie. Let's go.
Richie: I said I'll leave when I feel like it!
[swings at Fonzie again and misses]
Arthur: [Fonzie restrains him and pins him to a pool table] What, are you crazy? You think I'm gonna let you do that a second time?
Richie: I'm gonna get you for that, Fonz! I'm gonna kick your butt!
Arthur: Right... right.
Richie: [Richie slowly comes to his senses] Fonz... what am I doing? I'm going crazy!
Arthur: [gently] It's OK... you're OK. Wanna get up.
Richie: [softly] Yeah.
Arthur: [Fonzie releases him and pats his shoulder] You're OK.
Richie: Man... I can't live like this. I can't go around living my life pretending I'm happy all the time! It's no good, Fonz! It's no good!
Arthur: I get the picture. You've been living your life for everybody else, right? You've been the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect father...
Richie: [interrupting] Perfect soldier!
Arthur: Perfect friend!
Arthur: It's time to take responsibility for your own life. You've gotta do what you wanna do, Richie.
Richie: [shakes his head] No, it's not that simple. See, my dad got me that job at the newspaper.
Arthur: So what?
Richie: My wife, Lori Beth, has her heart set on living in Milwaukee!
Arthur: Your wife Lori Beth has her heart set on spending the rest of her life with you! Don't sell her short! I mean, she loves you, Richie! She'll back you in anything you want to do! We all will!
Richie: Look, you're single. You don't know what it's like having people depending on you each and every day!
Arthur: [raising eyebrows] Are you delirious? All right, I'll be fair with you... I don't have a wife and kids. But if I had yours, I would let nothing stop me!

Narrator: [introducing leather shop scene] So Tobias chose to pursue a common interest with his daughter.
Lance: [underneath narration] May I help you?
Tobias: Oh, I hope so. Um, I'm looking for something that says, "Dad likes leather."
Lance: Something that says... "leather daddy"?
Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?

Opie: Pa, are we rich?
Andy: Rich? You don't get rich bein' a sheriff.
Barney: You get investigated if you do.

Michael: It's hard to believe that it's really come down to begging.
Narrator: Please tell your friends about this show.

Michael: Well, um, I was going to say that you don't know who my father really is and that what has happened to us is a great injustice, that we were never really given a fair chance. But that's not the truth. We've been given plenty of chances. And maybe the Bluths just aren't worth saving, maybe we're not that likable, you know. We're very self-centered. And my father may be the worst of us. Me, too. You know, I seem to... I threaten people who I don't feel support me. He poisons them. Anyway, here's my advice to you. Go ahead and take yourself a goody bag and get out of here while you can.
[Lucille applauds]
Narrator: The speech was disturbing. The food inedible. And the gift bags, well, pretty frightening. And when GOB found out he wasn't going to get tipped...
Gob: Wait! No, no, where's everyone going!
Narrator: The service got worse.
Gob: Where's my money? I'll follow you to your cars!
Byron: My thumb!
Narrator: Oh and that old racist woman choked on Buster's thumb. All in all, it was one of the Bluth's better parties.

[voice over]
Narrator: And Michael had been getting along with his sister, Lindsay. This was unwelcome news to Lucille, who feared that this unity may be used against her.

Barney: All right, is everybody set back there?
Opie: I'm all set.
Aunt: I'm all set.
Gomer: I'm all set.
Barney: How 'bout the front seat?
Thelma: I'm all set.
Andy: I'm all set.
Gomer: Hope I don't get carsick.
Barney: [quickly but insistently] Opie, you trade places with Gomer. I want him near a window.

Narrator: There were actually two "Startled Straight" tents, but George Sr. had accidentally wandered into the church sponsored one, determined to steer homosexual men into a more heterosexual lifestyle.
George Bluth Sr.: You want to have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night, start messing with your junk?
Gay: Is he ugly?
George Bluth Sr.: You can't see anything. It's pitch black. And it NEVER STOPS, guys! And everybody acts like it's no big deal.
Gay: Is there a cover charge?

Ron: Look, look, Raheem, I'm, I'm not Opie Taylor and I'm not Richie Cunningham. I'm Ron Howard, I'm a grown man. You know I'm directing now? Did you see the movie I have out, "Night Shift"?
Raheem: Was there any black people in it?
Ron: No.
Raheem: I didn't see it, then. What was it about?
Ron: Oh, well, it was, uh, the story about these two pimps.
Raheem: It's the story about two pimps and wasn't no brothers in it? I don't know whether to say "Thank you" or punch you in your mouth, man.

Opie: And you know something? They don't have lunch in the kitchen, they have it in the dining room and they don't use table mats. They use a whole table cloth. And I think they only used it once, because Billy spilt some salad dressing right on the table cloth and the maid didn't even yell at him.

Opie: Hm. He ain't so dumb.

Homer: I don't need your pity or your money.
[pockets money]
Ron: Usually when you say that, you give the money back.

Michael: Oh that's a tough race.
Steve: Only for a wimp, a wuss, a pussy.
Narrator: And Steve didn't mean "pussy cat".

Potsie: Rich! Rich!
Ralph: Come quick!
Richie: What? Is there something wrong?
Potsie: It's a shark!
Ralph: The Fonz...
Richie: Fonz got eaten by a shark?
Potsie: He did? Who said that?
Ralph: Not me! What're you talking about?
Richie: Well, you just said "The shark..."!
Ralph: Nooo! Listen! The Fonz is gonna jump *over* a shark!

Opie: Guess where I been?
Andy: I give up. Where?
Opie: A can't tell ya, but you know what I did? I joined a club.
Andy: What club is that?
Opie: I can't tell ya.

Narrator: [as Tobias, in blue makeup and sweatshirt, speaks on stage] Tobias had recently auditioned as an understudy for the silent performance art trio, the Blue Man Group.
Tobias: And this is "Kids", from "Bye, Bye, Birdie".
[nods to offstage, and a piano plays opening notes as the Blue Man Group reacts in confusion]
Narrator: He had yet to hear back from them.

Andy: I just had a thought. You know what? I'll bet you that Aunt Bee might just be willin' to teach you how to dance. Aunt Bee?
Aunt: I'll be back in half an hour with some dance records.
[rushes out the door]
Opie: She sure got ready in a hurry.

Opie: MEAT!
Andy: Aunt Bee will see what we need when she comes in.

Opie: I got a feeling it's gonna be one of those jittery suppers.

Opie: The cage sure looks awful empty, don't it, Pa?
Andy: Yes son, it sure does... but don't the trees seem nice and full?

[first lines]
Narrator: This is Michael Bluth. For ten years, he's worked for his father's company waiting to be made a partner. And right now, he's happy.

Andy: [deciding on dinner] You need something that builds you up.
Opie: We could chew tar. Johnny Paul Jason says tar's real good for the teeth.
Andy: That's an old wives' tale.
Opie: Johnny Paul ain't married.

[Gob is planning to break out of a prison for publicity]
Warden: You really think you can break out of my prison?
Gob: You won't even know I was here.
Narrator: The warden was intrigued, less about the stunt and more about the prison beatings that this brash magician was sure to receive.

Opie: [Aunt Bee, Thelma Lou, Andy and Barney are singing] Somebody sounds terrible... It's Barney!
[Andy puts his hand over Opie's mouth]

Narrator: The family continued to chant "Speech, speech, speech..." for no one in particular.

Tom: That's right Opie, it was my revered ancestor, Chief Strongbow that led the Cherokee in the defense of their traditional hunting grounds.
Opie: Chief Strongbow, gee, was he wounded?
Tom: Oh yeah, many times. Matter of fact, look at this. This is just one of the musket balls that the medicine man took out of him after the battle.
Opie: Gee, that was a pretty tough battle I guess.
Tom: It was for the indians. It was 50 braves against 500 settlers.

Andy: I thought you was supposed to be cleaning out the garage.
Opie: I wanted to have a talk with you.
Andy: Must be pretty important for you to break off in the middle of a chore.
Opie: It's preying on my mind, Pa.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias gets an insight into fear.
Tobias: Let's discuss our new bunking situation.
White: You're going to be sleeping under me for a while.
George Sr.: I sold you for a pack of cigarettes.

T: [Michael arrives at the banana stand after suspecting his father of burning down a warehouse full of incriminating evidence and attempting to run the company from prison, to find T-Bone, a former inmate, working at the banana stand] Welcome to Bluth Banana, where bananas are our business. May I interest you in a banana this day?
Michael: T-Bone, what are you doing here?
T: Oh. Your dad gave me this job.
Narrator: Michael realized that his father had even taken control of the banana stand. But he still had some unanswered questions, so he did a little detective work.
Michael: You burned down the storage unit?
T: Oh, most definitely.

Mae: [Maebe and George Michael are planning to follow Maebe's parents] Go! Drive!
George: Well, it says "Bluth Company" on the side, they'll notice that. Plus it's a staircase, that's going to catch the eye.
Narrator: The airport stairway vehicle is the last vestige of the Bluth's former wealth. Also, that House Of Pies went out of business.

Opie: That's my problem. He's a man of few words and I need 500 of them.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Michael gets a new roommate.
Gob: My middle and index fingers are...
Dr. Stein: ...switched for the first time ever!

Opie: Pa?
Sheriff: Ope, is this something we can talk about later on?
Opie: Well, if you could let me have a dime, we wouldn't even have to talk about it.

Opie: Know where we meet?
Andy: No. Where?
Opie: I can't tell ya. I got a job in the club too.
Andy: You have?
Opie: Know what it is?
Andy: No. What?
Opie: I can't tell ya.

Opie: Golly Aunt Bee, she's way younger than you are. She's in her forties and you're already...
Aunt: Opie, why don't you go over there and get yourself a candy bar.

Opie: A sandwich sure tastes better with milk.

Carl: [at Burger King] I'm going to go get a refill. You know you can get a refill on any drink you want?
Tobias: It's a great restaurant!
Narrator: It sure is!

Narrator: Tobias went to a try-out for the Blue Man Group hoping to be seen.
[Tobias is hit by a car]
Narrator: Unfortunately, it was dusk, and he couldn't be seen.

Arnold: What took you so long? Did your Pa bawl you out?
Opie: No, he sat me down and gave me a talk about the facts of life.
Arnold: Did you tell him you already knew all about it?
Opie: No, I didn't want to spoil it for him.

Lucille: [after dropping some food] Where's my maid? ROBOT!
Narrator: But the robot had other plans.
Byron: [Lucille walks into Buster's room to find him sleeping with the robot vacuum cleaner] What do you expect, Mother? I'm half machine! I'M A MONSTER!

Opie: Is that Darlene Mason?
Andy: Opie, you wanna run along?
Opie: What are you calling her about, Pa?
Andy: Excuse me, it's my son.
Darlene: Oh I see.
Andy: He came back to get some money and he wanted to know why I was calling you.
Darlene: Well so do I.
Andy: Well,
[to Opie]
Andy: you wanna run along?
Opie: Are you gonna make a date with her, Pa?
Andy: [Andy glares at Opie] Wanna run along?
Opie: See ya, Pa.
Darlene: Well, are ya, Pa?

Opie: Oh-oh.
Andy: What's the matter?
Opie: Every time grown-ups think of something for your good, it turns out to be not so good.

[Oscar climbs into the cage and is rendered unconscious when the hatch hits him in the head]
Narrator: It wasn't the first time Oscar had been knocked out by a heavy lid.

[voice over]
Narrator: [Michael gave Gob a letter to mail] Gob had not mailed the letter, but rather, as an act of defiance, dramatically threw the letter into the ocean.
[Gob is attempting to throw the letter in the ocean but it keeps getting blown back because of the wind]
Narrator: This proved to be a slightly more difficult gesture than he had anticipated.

Opie: Guess we're ALL in for some gracious livin', huh, Pa?

Nellie: [Michael finishes a long-winded boring, story] Wow, what a great story.
Narrator: It wasn't great. Nellie was just a good listener. All prostitutes are.

Opie: When Floyd gave me a haircut last week, he said it wouldn't be long before I'd be shaving.

Lucille: Hello? The caterers didn't show up. I used the club. They said we owe them too much money. I guess all those lunches... I've got 50 people coming in three hours and nothing to feed them. No one to serve it. We have to make a good impression or we're finished.
Narrator: Now that's a clear-cut situation with the promise of comedy. Tell your friends.

[Opie has a crush on Thelma Lou]
Opie: Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?

Ralph: [Richie is worried that he's going crazy] Come on, Richie! You're no crazier than the rest of us! Look at Potsie. You think he's normal? And Fonzie... super-cool Fonzie. Fonzie with his "Ayyy!" I mean, that's pretty... that's really sicko when you come right down to it.
Richie: I wouldn't let him hear you say that.
Ralph: You tell him I said that, and I'll deny it! Every word!
Richie: OK, Ralph - take it easy.
Ralph: Now you take me - nice, normal Ralphie Malphie. I got no quirks. But I know what they're saying about me. They're saying my hair's too neat, I'm too cute, and girls crave my bod.
Richie: They're not saying that, Ralph.
Ralph: Yes they are. They're also saying that I look like a movie star because my teeth are too even.

Michael: You may want to start acting like the president, GOB. You're beginning to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: Yeah, like the president has to worry about alienating the employees.
Narrator: In fact, GOB had started to alienate some of the employees.
Gob: [in the break room] Yeah, like I'm going to spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit! COME ON!
Gob: [at the elevator] Yeah, the guy wearing the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for the guy who doesn't make that in four months. COME ON!
Gob: [in the bathroom] Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit! COME ON!

Michael: Spent an entire year living in that model home with those people and all they did was lie to us.
Narrator: The most recent lie was that the doctor said that George Sr. had a heart attack while in prison.
Doctor: We lost him.
Narrator: But what the doctor meant to say was that he had escaped, a feat he had accomplished by using the family's portable stairway vehicle.

Tobias: And I recognize you from somewhere, but it's not from the Fantastic Four. It's from somewhere else.
Debrie: I've done some things I'm not proud of.
Tobias: Episodics? Been there.
Narrator: It wasn't episodic.
[flashback to a bedroom film set with a visible boom mike and actors reading off cue cards]
Narrator: She had been in a series of softcore porn movies about women leading straight men into gay sex called "Straightbait".
Debrie: This is my brother. He's gay. If you want to have sex with me, then you've got to have sex with him first.
'Gay': And if you don't want to have sex with her, you must be gay.
'Straight': [interrupts] I'll show you I'm not gay I am.
[all three begin to undress]
Narrator: She did six of these movies,
[they get onto the bed in a triangle arrangement, which eventually causes it to break]
Narrator: and after lunch, did three more.

Opie: Maybe we should get a larger cage. They need a bigger place.
Andy: Yeah, that's what they need alright. They need a bigger place. They need a *real* bigger place.
Opie: You mean, turn 'em loose?

Opie: [At the blackboard] 9 x 1 is 9, 9 x 2 is...
Ernest T. Bass: Too do gone long! My, turn, my turn!

Tobias: See, Buster, it wasn't a loose seal you couldn't stand up to, it was Lucille. Ooh, I'm getting chills. If this were a Lifetime Moment Of Truth movie, this would be our act break.
Narrator: [music begins playing] But it wasn't.

Michael: What's all this?
George Sr.: Computer stuff from the office.
Michael: No, no, no, no, pop. You're not doing another one of those Black Fridays, are you? The mass firings?
Narrator: Before firing his employees, George Sr. would be sure to clear the office of its valuables.
Ted: So when do we get to see our fancy new offices?
George Sr.: [closing the truck door] When you get your fancy new jobs. You're all fired.
Narrator: The employees never saw it coming, although their first task was to unload their equipment from a truck.
George Sr.: No, it's not black Friday although I did enjoy those.

Narrator: Oscar was longing for his sweet freedom.
Oscar: [to Buster] Do you have any Sweet Freedom or any of the Hawaiian blends?

Sheriff: Whole dollars you'll squander on your girlfriend Charlotte, but when it comes to the underprivileged children's fund, you got only 3 cents.
Opie: I wasn't gonna squander it, Pa. I wasn't gonna squander it... what's squander?

Opie: But if it helps the law?
Andy: Opie, the law can't use this kind of help.

Narrator: Michael had not spoken to his father since the arrest. So he decided to give his father the courtesy of a formal resignation.
Michael: I quit.
George Sr.: Probably a good career move.

George Sr.: You didn't hear, we lost Andy.
Michael: What? What are you talking about? He didn't like his trailer?
Lindsay: He thought we were making fun of him.
Narrator: [the camera pans over to reveal the log cabin truck] No one was making fun of Andy Griffith. I can't emphasize that enough.

Gob: I didn't even know we had a cabin in the woods.
Michael: Oh shit. I've never been to the cabin, GOB.
Narrator: Though he had often been promised.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1977"] Oh sorry buddy, something came up. This nice lady here lost her puppy and I'm going to help her find it.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1980"] Oh sorry buddy, this girl's dad got sick and I'm taking her to the hospital.
George Sr.: [flashback - "1983"] Come on, you're old enough to understand this by now - I'm nailing this broad!

Buster: [while Lindsay and Tobias are having a heated argument] WELL JUST FAKE IT!
[he falls back asleep]
Buster: COMA...
Narrator: Believe it or not, that actually got through to them.
Buster: Now please turn on the cartoon network and get the hell out of here!

George Sr.: Yeah, but what if she gives it to somebody who's even moderately intelligent?
Narrator: In fact, Kitty had gone to someone moderately intelligent in her continuing quest for control of the Bluth Company.

Opie: I want you to stay!
Aunt: You do?
Sheriff: You mean it, Opie?
Opie: Sure!
Aunt: Well, what changed your mind?
Opie: Well, if she goes, what'll happen to her? She doesn't know how to do anything - play ball, catch fish, or hunt frogs. She'll be helpless.

Maebe: [attempting to get her parents to notice her] Here are the fake airline tickets. If they don't see this, I really might go to South America.
George: [notices a flaw] That says, "Portugal".
Maebe: [oblivious] That's right.
Narrator: Maeby's parents didn't see the tickets, but her Uncle Gob did.
Gob: [examines the tickets, thinking they're Michael's] Portugal? Well, gonna live it up in ol' South America, aren't we, Michael?

Aunt: Barney's right. One day you'll go to call on Ellie and her husband will greet you at the door.
Andy: Husband?
Aunt: That's right, along with their two children.
Andy: Well, golly, Aunt Bee, what am I supposed to do?
Aunt: You're supposed to get engaged. You're supposed to stake your claim.
Andy: Engaged?
Aunt: Yes. I think it's a step you ought to take. Ellie's a wonderful girl, and if she's gonna have a husband, it ought to be you.
Opie: Yeah, Pa. And if she's gonna have kids, it ought to be me.

Narrator: And so like two people who no longer felt anything for each other, George Michael and Maeby decided to get married.

Opie: [after twice beating Andy at darts] Would you like to play for money?
Andy: Oh, wait a minute, now. Ain't you a little young to be thinkin' about that? Besides, you don't want to lose your amateur standing, do ya?
Opie: No. What's an amateur?
Andy: An amateur is a fella that plays a game 'cause he just enjoys playin' it. A professional, he plays it 'cause he wants to be paid.
Opie: Oh. Well, I'd like to be a professional amateur. I enjoy playin', but I'd enjoy gettin' paid, too.
Andy: I bet you would, you little buzzard.

Narrator: GOB was at Ancient Chinese Secret that very moment.
Gob: I'm looking for something to give my dingle less tingle. Me quick want slow! Wait, that's Indian...
Chinese: Tea for dong!
Gob: What is this?
Chinese: It's the sword of destiny. Very powerful. Comes with back story.
Gob: Yeah, I make up my own patter. Just ring it up with the dong tea.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Steve Holt finally tracks down his real father.
Steve: I've been wondering my whole life who he is-a scientist? A doctor? A senator?
Gary: Well, I've got some bad news.
[He hands over a picture of Gob]
Steve: Wow. Is that what's gonna happen to my hair?

Sheriff: Now Opie, I'm your Pa and I'm tellin' you to hush up.
Opie: Well you told me I could speak or forever hold my peace.
Sheriff: Well now I'm tellin' you if you don't hush up, you'll be forever holdin' the seat of your britches.

Gob: [fixes a drink while waiting for an intervention with Lucille]
Michael: Are you pouring a drink? What are you doing?
Gob: What if she's mad?
Lindsay: Good point.
Tobias: Perhaps I'll have a little sip of something...
Michael: Guys, what could she do to us?... do we have anything single malt?
Narrator: [thirty minutes later] And although the intervention didn't work...
Michael: We think you have a prollen.
Gob: You're a mesh.
Narrator: ...it turned into one of the Bluth family's better parties.

Opie: What does that mean, Pa?
Andy: What's what mean?
Opie: "Passed the hand-holding stage and ready to set the date."
Andy: Means they're ready to set the date for the wedding.
Opie: But I thought Barney HAD a girl - Thelma Lou.
Andy: He does. This is somebody else.
Opie: Well, what does he need two of 'em for?
Andy: [flatly] He doesn't.

[Barney talks about training Opie]
Opie: You mean you're gonna make me one big muscle, too?
Barney: Yeah.
Andy: Uh, 'cept in your case, we'll try to stop at the neck.
Barney: [irritated] That's very comical, Andy, only comicalness don't win no medals.

Opie: Even the kids were kind of upset with me. Most of 'em had Colonels in their families too.

Richie: I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill.

Opie: Gee Pa, the fishing's so good, can't we stay a little longer? Please.
Andy: We better scoot on home, get cleaned up. We... we got to do some shoppin' for Aunt Bee's birthday.
Opie: Just a little longer.
Andy: And there's the cake to get...
Opie: Cake? Yup, guess we better scoot.

Narrator: And George Sr. had managed to startle nobody but himself.
George Bluth Sr.: There's nothing to do there all day but lift weights, fold laundry... and get thrown into a cage with a bunch of sweaty men. Oh god, I cant go back. Cant go back!
[he leaves]
Gay: I'm glad he wont be there. He's ugly.

Opie: We won! We beat them females! We kept 'em in their place.
Andy: Yeah, well, wait just a minute.
Opie: Us menfolks don't want women running our town, do we, Pa?

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, the FBI finds footage more troubling than they'd originally thought.
FBI: It appears there was something else on the videotape. We think it's a terrorist training film.
[He plays the tape and shows George-Michael acting out the lightsaber duel from "Star Wars"]
FBI: This kid's got moves.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Lindsay finds herself strangely compelled to be with Tobias.
Dave: [Lindsay accidentally wanders into Dave Attell's dressing room] Wow, the service sent you over quick.
[he quickly disrobes]
Narrator: But not the one she's married to.
Lindsay: You don't cry when you take those off?

Michael: [Michael discovers that Oscar is in prison, not George] I'm sure that Oscar could last another day in prison.
Narrator: Not according to the most recent blog entry on imoscar.com.

Opie: If honesty is such a good policy, how come I'm out a cap pistol?

Opie: If I play on a piano that's out of tune, my ear might go bad.

Opie: [in a third father/son discussion] Well, I've been doin' a lot of thinkin'.
Andy: Good for the head.
Opie: And I was wondering if, by any chance, you might need a person to clean the garage and do odd jobs around.
Andy: You know, it's funny you should ask at this time. They happens to be a recent vacancy in that department.
Opie: Oh, boy!
Andy: Well, what person did you have in mind?
Opie: Opie Taylor.
Andy: Uh-huh.
Opie: I'm sorry about the way I acted, Pa.
Andy: Mm, what's done's done. Well, let's see, uh, cleaning out the garage, hauling out the ashes, setting the table, that ought to be worth about, oh, say, uh... 25¢ a week. Okay?
Opie: Sounds fine to me, Pa.

Stephen: I think I'm losing my mind, Dr. Crane. People are talking to me through my radio.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why do you think that?
Stephen: There it is again.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Turn your radio down.
Stephen: Now it's giving me orders!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Stephen, turn your radio down.
Stephen: And it knows my name!
Dr. Frasier Crane: Stephen, listen to me: this is your radio talking. I'm a very smart radio, and I care about you. And I want you to turn me off, go to bed, and seek counseling in the morning.
Stephen: OK. Sorry Doc, can't talk anymore.
[hangs up]

Opie: I think I'll split over there and get some of those cool looking potato chips.

Opie: George is runnin' away from home to be a cowboy. He only wants to stay here until he figures out whether he wants to go to Texas or Wyomin'.
Sheriff: You mean his folks don't know?
Opie: Aw, pa, how can you run away from home if you're folks know.
Aunt: Oh course. It kind of takes the starch out of the whole thing.

Ron: Do I smell vodka... and wheatgrass?
Homer: It's called a lawnmower, I invented it, do you want one?
Ron: Yeah, okay.

Narrator: [closing lines] On the next Arrested Development... Tobias talks Lindsay into another session.
Dr. Phil Gunty: And I decided that... I want to become an actor too.
[laughs]
Narrator: And George, Sr. makes good on his promise to come clean with the international accounts.
George Bluth Sr.: [clearly reluctant] There's a good chance that I... that I may have committed some, uh, light... treason.

Rose: Opie, dear, I'm marryin' Mr. Pine because I love him.
Opie: I thought you loved ME.
Rose: I do, Opie.
Opie: You don't catch me marryin' somebody else.

Narrator: Buster had brought home a turtle in an incredibly misguided attempt to distance himself from his mother.
Buster: You can stay in this box of grass that Uncle Father Oscar left behind.
Narrator: Actually, that was a box of Oscar's legally obtained medical marijuana. Primo bud. Real sticky weed.

Rose: And in the mornin', I want you to eat all your cereal and don't leave half the milk.
Opie: Okay. I won't leave half the milk.
Rose: Good boy.
Opie: I'll leave ALL the milk.